good repost ace.

Thank God it's a cokmplete farce at this point.

(I was worried about the "liberation theology" Latin Americans for a while)

I hate to be critical, but "Spirit in the Sky" is by Norman Greenbaum, not Martin Greenbaum.

Encore presentations...yawn.

I think that guy who wrote the guest column on the perils of touching his hoagie "one more time" would probably have a thought or two on all this.

It's Ratzinger, so ix-nay on the ans-Hay uber-Gray.

Funny stuff... but probably prophetic.
#4: I once watched the infomercial by Estaban... does that count?

Have the Unitarians threatened action for plagiarising their doctrinal statement?

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO SATAN

"Had I as many souls as there be stars, I'd give them all for Mephistopheles!"

-Dr. Faustus

*Please read the Frequently Asked Questions at the bottom of the page.

What happens when I make a formal commitment to Satan?

Almost immediately, things start to get better. Satan looks out for you. Satan gives us an inner strength. We become very strong in spirit. Unlike right hand path religions, where adherents are forever praying and searching for their god, Satan comes to us on his own. Many times, we can feel him. He comes to comfort us when we get down, worried or are experiencing problems.

He snaps us into line and directs us as to what we need to do to be focused and happy. Unlike the gods of the right hand path, Satan never turns his back on us in our time of need.

An good analogy/story is an xian, in serious trouble, in desperation, takes his last change, goes to a phone booth in the freezing rain and dials heaven. He keeps getting a busy signal. After quite some time, someone answers and puts him on hold. They leave him on hold. When a Satanist calls Hell, Satan, himself, picks up after the first ring.

In making a commitment, we engage a formal ritual. This is done out of free will. We are making a choice, as opposed to being dragged off to some xian church, and reciting canned prayers in front of a bunch of idiots.

The initiation ritual is very personal, unless you decide to have friends participate, or are doing it as part of a group.

You will need:

1 or more black, blue or red candles (as many as you like)

A sterilized needle or razor

A piece of clean paper, large enough to write the prayer below

A dry pen, where you sign your name in blood (dip the ip of the pen in your blood)

Write the following prayer:

BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY AND INEFFABLE GOD SATAN/LUCIFER AND IN THE PRESENCE OF ALL DEMONS OF HELL, WHO ARE THE TRUE AND THE ORIGINAL GODS, I, (state your full name) RENOUNCE ANY AND ALL PAST ALLEGIANCES. I RENOUNCE THE FALSE JUDEO/CHRISTIAN GOD JEHOVA, I RENOUNCE HIS WORTHLESS SON, JESUS CHRIST, I RENOUNCE HIS FOUL AND VILE HOLY SPIRIT.

I PROCLAIM THAT SATAN/LUCIFER IS MY ONE AND ONLY GOD. I PROMISE TO RECOGNIZE AND HONOR HIM IN ALL THINGS, WITHOUT RESERVATION, DESIRING IN RETURN, HIS MANIFOLD ASSISTANCE IN THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF MY ENDEAVORS AND THE FULFILLMENT OF MY DESIRES.

It is imporant to bathe before any rituals you perform, this is done out of respect. When you are ready, you can light the candle. Take the needle, prick the idex finger of your left hand, squeeze some blood out.

Sign your name in blood.

Recite the prayer either aloud or in your head

Fold the paper and let it burn in the fire of the candle. Many of us have stayed and meditated until the candle had burned itself out.

At the end of the ritual, close with the words "so mote it be." And a Big "HAIL SATAN!!"

Frequently Asked Questions/concerns:

Question:

Can I perform the ritual more than once?

Answer:

NO! Satanic rituals are real and binding. The ritual should only be done ONE TIME!

Question:

I performed the ritual. I could barely get any blood on the paper, is the ritual still valid?

Answer:

YES!! The amount of blood does not matter. This is only a formality. What is in our hearts and our intentions are much more important than the amount of blood in our signature.

Question:

Can I reverse the ritual at a later date?

Answer:

Satanic rituals, unlike rituals in other religions are real and permanent. I received a very small number of letters from people who were confused and harassed by xians. One person performed a reverse ritual. What happened? Satan left him. Totally. Xians are deceived. They believe their "god" to be "loving" and "forgiving." In truth, this monster is a spiteful hateful attacker of human beings. When one is with Satan, one is always under his protection. He looks out for us and we enter a new life where we no longer have the worries that others endure. Things are not perfect, but they are always much better. Satan does not punish people, he simply leaves. One is left all alone to endure the torments of the enemy.

These people wrote to me because after several months, they were begging for Satan to take them back. The enemy did absolutely nothing for them. All were extremely regretful they ever left and very desperate to come back.

Question:

I am under-age and my parents would cause me serious problems if they ever caught me doing a Satanic ritual

Answer:

If there is absolutely no way you can perform the ritual without placing yourself in danger, you can perform it in your astral temple.

You can do the ritual above when you are older. Performing the dedication on the astral is every bit as valid as doing it physically. Satan is very understanding concerning teens who are forced into accepting xianity while living at home and being underage.

Question:

I am underage, living in a xian home and my parents force me to go to church and participate in xian sacraments. Can I still do the dedication? Will Satan be angry with me?

Answer:

Yes, you can still perform the ritual. Satan understands. As long as you are loyal to him in your heart, he will not be angry with you. Those of you under 18 are not free. There is no need to reveal your allegiance to Satan to anyone. What is in your heart is more important than anything else. Satan advises us in the Al-Jilwah not to reveal our religion to outsiders if it will cause us harm in any way, this is especially important for teens. Just renounce the xian "god" in your mind if you are forced to participate in any of his garbage. Satan understands it can be downright dangerous, in some cases even life-threatening for teens living in strongly xian homes to reveal their allegiance to him.

But does satan give out shirts?

Will Satan go fuck himself if I light a fart with a blue candle?

Is it just me, or does "Satan" sound an awful lot like Cedarford with his constant bitching about "Xianist oppression"?

I never pitched this show-title, because I knew it's just idiotic, but I really would like to host a show called "Suck the Barbed Cock of Satan."

That comes, once again, from Son of Nixon, although I'm not sure he'd want the credit.

I'd like all of you interested in becoming devoted to satan to join my new multi-level soul marketing company. It's called Hellstar, and it's going to be bigger than Amway, Quixtar, Avon, and Herbalife combined!

http://hellstar.killrighty.net

Ace, it looks like Luskin (innocently) stole your column.

http://www.poorandstupid.com/2005_04_17_chronArchive.asp#111397111189984489

Within a year, I predict that all blogs will be padding their content with old Ace columns, just like Ace and Luskin.

I know... someone tipped me. I just asked him to attribute it.

It's not Luskin's fault. It's that people take these things and send them around without any attribution. How hard is it to include f'n' attribution in an email?

"Christopher" is actually Greek in origin.

Ucccchhhh.

You guys don't let me get away with anything.

I don't do this for a living. This is all, like, new to me.

Hey, Ace...

Get a LIFE!!!

Of Jewish interest: The day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday will be called Good Shabbos.
Of Islamic interest: When Easter falls during Ramadan it will be called Allah Easter.

Ace,

Have you ever read the Agnostic's Prayer by Roger Zelazny (technically, the Possibly Proper Death Litany?) It's a hoot and a half.

Please try to be a little clearer in your instructions, Satan. I was following the ritual step by step and I mistakenly tried to write the ENTIRE PLEDGE in my own blood. Things got really blurry and I started walking toward this bright light. Then an angel dragged me up a golden escalator to the gates of heaven itself. I tried to get away but he was too strong for me. A nauseating scene of gut-wrenching horror spread out before me on the other side. Supermodels in wings nibbled on strawberry cream cheese. Cherubic innocents bounced on fluffy clouds. Little old ladies were baking pie after pie with their wrinkled faces all twisted up in beatific smiles. Dogs were everywhere. Suddenly the golden street gave way and I was hurled back down to the earth below. As I came to Satan's voice echoed in my head: "You only have one more chance" I was so afraid that Jesus would take me before I had time to regenerate my blood supply that I cut out letters that I had already written and pasted them together like newspaper print from an anonymous ransom note and tacked it on the end of the pledge. I hope that counts. Oh sweet Lucifer I hope that counts.