Classic Onion.

So true, I just can't get the homosexuals to stop.

If ass-less leather chaps don't clearly make the statement "Homos, Keep Away," what exactly would, I wonder?

What, do I have to start wearing a tiarra too?

Take a hint, guys. This is pure all-American beef. And it's for the ladies.

Add a big-hair blonde wig just to be safe.

I swear, there are tears rolling down my cheeks after reading that.

I better knock it off, makes me look a little too sensitive.

I DON'T GET IT! IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?! WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH NANOTECHNOLOGY???

I think I'm in love :-) Don't tell my partner...

IMO, the "Ham-murderer" or "The Grapist" skits were the best Onion articles ever, but this is excellent too...

Just don't wear a damn tuxedo -- the homos will swarm all over you if you're in a tuxedo. You end up getting sucked all night by those guys.

How come there are always so many homos at a wedding?

Uh-oh...John Kerry has new material. I can't wait to see him try to blame THAT on Republicans.

Michael - The fag-hag bridesmaids couldn't get dates silly.

How come there are always so many homos at a wedding?

We seek to possess the centerpieces.

They have powers, you know.

Shhhh...nobody tell Ace how old this is...he gets sensitive about that.

Robert - You neglected to mention that the caterer, florist, and that unmarried brother giving Whitney a run for her money in the diva category on the dance floor are all potential dating material.

On the gay scale of places to hook up, weddings are above highway rest areas, but just below bath houses.

Poor Ace. Little did he realize the pink flood he was unleashing by posting today.

For my money, this is the funniest Onion story ever.

Rob - I forgot about those folks...

And Ace knows exactly what he is doing every time he goes into that cloak room. Don't pity him.

ace, I'm really starting to worry about you.

OMG! You may be sicker than Jeff G.

*This is my solemn vow, I shall never click on a content warning link again. Not here, not at Jeff G's, not at Beautiful Atrocities or anywhere else. I have learned my lesson.

ace, I'm really starting to worry about you.

I am too.

So, I've been doing this stupid blog for fifteen or sixteen months or so. I provide a certain amount of testosterone-charged-yet-droll-and-urbane commentary.

It could have been that any number of women could have said, "I think I'm in love."

Seriously. There are like at least ten female readers here.

Do I get any of that kind of love from the ladies?

No.

I get... "Robert."

Y'know, a week ago, during the unofficial Lesbian Hook-Up Night, I said this blog had taken a turn I wasn't sure was wise.

I am definitely chagrined about this current turn.

Do Gays Cause Hurricanes?

http://www.physics.mcgill.ca/~arobic/funny/gays.html

(Stupid content filter)

LMFAO

OMG! You may be sicker than Jeff G.

But it was funny, wasn't it?

Hey, come on, I use the f-word in regular posts. When I say "CONTENT WARNING," I sort of mean it.

I should change my name to CONTENT WARNING

RWS:

Maam, allow me to apologize on behalf of all of us. As a former Texan (San Antonio), I fully appreciate the shock that a Flower of Southern Womanhood such as yourself must have suffered upon being confronted with such base and tasteless material. We are ordinarily gentelmen, maam, and we wish to apologize for any offense we may have caused by our crude posts in this thread.

Um, are there any unisex restrooms that you happen to frequent? Just curious.

Slublog, thanks for the link. I read that "Babies Are Stupid" articles in one of The Onion books a while back and was disappointed when I couldn't find it on the Net when I later looked.

Speaking of finding things on the Net, does anybody know where to get just the audio of the infamous Paul Anka speech? I would like to get it and be able to rewind, etc. The Flash link pretty much makes you listen to the thing straight through.

Also, anybody have transcript of the whole thing?

ROFLMFAO! Thanks Ace - I had a really shitty day and now I can't even remember why.

I laughed. And laughed.

And then I realized I just read about cocksucking, and I promptly gouged out my eyes.

Bob, I've got the wma file - i can email it tonight if you want it. Msg me @ bigfatso -@- gmail -dot- com

Michael:

Peach that she is, RWS bowed up last time I referred to her as ma'am. Perhaps "maam" won't have the same effect, but it's the only negative characteristic she seems to have.

Ace: Apropos the story, hilarious, and made more so, for me, by the following line, the piece de resistance:

"And where did he get those fantastic boots?"

The Onion rawks.

Patton, I "bowed up?" I don't remember that. Ma'am is perfectly acceptable if you are 19 or younger, which I assume you are...;-)

Michael, I appreciate your apology, but it's quite alright. I have 2 brothers, 3 sons, a hubby, and 7 brother in laws. I have learned to "zone out" when the testorone level reaches a certain point.

I do think Ace is funny. Blogs are my guilty pleasure. One has to have one, don't you think?

And don't be silly about the restrooms. I never enter a public restroom.

Next you'll be asking me if I leave the house without makeup on. Silly boy....;-)

RWS

Your 19-years-old cutoff for "ma'am" may be your personal preference, but it's more a northern convention than southern. In the north, "ma'am" is a sign of respect for someone older. Not so in the south. Surely you know that in Texas there are lots of elderly men who will "ma'am" any woman over the age of about 18.

It would never have occurred to me that you would leave the house without makeup. And your hair, of course, would be perfect. Southern women have this in common with the Werewolves of London.

I've always been partial to this one:

http://home.att.net/~jbcole/humor/Suicide_notes.htm

The setup takes a while, but paragraph 8 is soooo worth it...

Blogs are my guilty pleasure. One has to have one, don't you think?

If blogs are your only guilty pleasure, you need two.

On the other hand, cool it before you get 30 or 40 like Ace.

Michael, I never realized Werewolves wore makeup.

I need another guilty pleasure? Any suggestions?

I need another guilty pleasure? Any suggestions?

Oh yes, soooo many suggestions.

But, I really don't want you to end up like Ace, a person able to distinguish flavor differences between different batches of Val-U-Rite vodka.

And my best ideas would require a CONTENT WARNING, so perhaps you should just use your imagination.

Mmph. Ummm. Ummmm.

OK, Gaylord has inspired me. Here's an idea for a guilty pleasure courtesy of Cedarford in a previous thread:

CONTENT WARNING

Contrive to bump into Laurw in a unisex restroom. Take away her pepper spray and spank her until she is cherry red. Then hit those red orbs with the pepper spray and watch her zoom through the ceiling tiles.

It can't get better than that, can it?

Q. How do you tell if your best friend is gay?

A. If his dick tastes like shit!

Jack M -

Many like you don't get it and need further explaination. May I recommend SpewFan? Also known as "BrewFan", Spewie has been on the other side. A straight man who just wishes to go about life, but always seems to end up in bus stop restrooms, sucking other men's cocks -without ever asking to do BJs....Mostly BrewFan, re: SpewFan just innocently asks tall, dark strangers if they are wearing Prada boots, whether or not they'd like to ride a horse saddled or bareback - that sort of thing.

SpewFan is not completely ungrateful. Besides a free gargle & a meal, Spewie also enjoys his hair "moussed up".

I'm sure he is also interested in Nanotech, Jack M.

Our BrewFan, nee` SpewFan would welcome a gang of little robots up his backside, tickling his colon just so and cutting up and carrying out the wedged in golf balls, riding crops, and dead gerbils. Save him a trip to the emergency room.

Cedarford,

The next time you think about addressing a post to me, don't.

Really...you'll save yourself a lot of time and energy, which you could them put into your favorite hobby: auto-erotic asphyxiation.

As for nanotech, I think your resulting auto-erotic asphixiation induced boner would be the smallest object known to science.

You could even trademark it! It could be your contribution to science, and your path to crazy trademark money riches!

After all, with a name like "nazitech" everyone would know it was all you, baby.

[This space intentionally left blank]

Jack M writes: Cedarford - The next time you think about addressing a post to me, don't.

Guess I just did.

Maybe it's just me, but I think if there were an internet site where I encountered as much unremitting hostility as Cedarford does here (and several other places, including the excruciatingly civil Belmont Club, come to think of it), I'd start going somewhere else. I've got the Hare Psychopathy Checklist somewhere around here...

Ah, here we are.

Cedarford, have you had more than five short-term marital relationships? What long-term goals do you have for your life? Do you feel a need for constant stimulation? If you do and can't get it, do you feel a need to invent fantasy scenarios in order to manipulate people into giving it to you? Do you feel any pangs of conscience when you lie? Is there something about anonymous, consequence-free conflict that makes you feel alive?

Whoops, we're out of time for tonight's session. Thanks for coming in, and please call ahead at least 24 hours in advance when you schedule your next appointment.

For my money, this one made me spit my food all over the monitor:http://politicaltherapy.blogspot.com/2005/03/wireless-internet-program-allows.html

I think Ace has billboarded him before.

Clara

Megan -

Are you the rug-muncher people keep referencing?

If so, how do you define marital relations???

Since Megan isn't here, I'll offer these thoughts about the definition of "marital relations" for you Cedarford.

"Marital Relations"- The kind of state sanctioned sexual intimacy that Megan is prevented from engaging in by law, and that Cedarford is prevented from engaging in by every woman in the world's common sense.

Does this help?

It will never compare to the Onion front page story right after 9-11 that I paraphrase thusly...

"9-11 terrorists upset to find themselves in Hell"

The whole Homo thing you're riding is great, but...

Didn't know the Onion started charging for back editions.

Here's someone who copied the story verbatim... the rotten stinkin Pig!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/537166/posts

Well, Cedarford, Jack M. pretty much nailed it. I'm sorry you were confused by the direction the your therapy was taking. Incidentally, you might want to keep in mind that misdirected hostility during our sessions can be counterproductive. But hey, it's your dime.

Seems you've found your audience, Ace.
After a while, even the ten women who read this blog just roll their eyes like they're hanging around their dweeby but lovable brothers.

But don't feel bad, we've all left Jeff G. for you.

Question for anybody who cares to opine;

Are lesbians more likely to be politically conservative than gay men? Less?

I mean, if there is a trend

Haven't the faintest myself.

For my money--and I've buckets, if I haven't mentioned this before--the funniest Onion pieces were "How We Are Getting Them Into Our Vans" about how child abductors lure kids into their vehicles, complete with USA Today-style graphics, and "Gaywads, Dorkwads Seek Historic Wad Alliance".

Laura, living in a small college town with a very historic and "hipster" juxtaposition, it seems the LUGs are all very angry, very left, and left out... so they become artists.

Hmmmm.. come to think of it, they're all very interested in my figure drawings at my studio/gallery and just assume I'm les' and I'm left. They hit on me all the time cuz I've got drawings of gorgeous naked women on the walls. Then they find out I'm straight and I'm Republican. I'd say it hurts my business, but the college kids don't have any money anyway. heh.

I agree with mychimo. The post-9/11 "Holy Fucking Shit" edition of the Onion was as funny as anything I've seen online (except for Ace and Allah, of course).

My two favorite articles were the hijackers waking up surprised to find themselves in Hell, and the interview with God complaining about people killing in His name ("Stop it. I'm fucking serious.").

Laura, I tend to find the lesbians I know are more left-wing, louder about their politics, and just plain politically obnoxious. An out lesbian who has joined mainstream gay culture usually gets a head full of lefty "women's issues" crap. Lesbians - and again, just my experience - have an entire political philosophy at hand that validates their sexual preference "Men, the evil oppressor!"

Whereas gay men tend to show up at political rallies on the off chance they can score some meth, free vodka, or a date.

When it comes to gay political organizations on the Left, oftentimes you'll find them mainly staffed and run by lesbians. Gay men just don't have that kind of initiative when there's little hope of sex.

I have met one conservative lesbian in my entire life. Just the one. And I've met an awful lot of lesbians.

Thanks Rob.

"gay men tend to show up at political rallies on the off chance they can score some meth, free vodka, or a date."

And thanks for the laugh!

Another Onion articles on similar theme:

Man Has Amazing Ass
21 October 1977

TASHEN, OH—In what is the most remarkable story to come out of Tashen, OH, in decades, resident Lance Holdger has an amazing ass.

[Photo/Can't Link] Lance Holdger, in a rare frontal shot.

Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless, and possesses the consistency of a gelatinous stone. The 750 residents of Tashen are well aware of this and, as a result, are unable to get enough of that ass.

The empirical grandeur of Holdger's ass, Tashen mayor Wayne Rinaldo said, allows it to be celebrated by people without regard to sexual preference, age, creed or aesthetic inclination.

"Whether one wants to caress, fondle, finger, wipe, rim, penetrate, paint, write about, or simply behold Mr. Holdger's ass, it doesn't matter," Rinaldo said. "That ass is open to all things, from wholesome admiration to profane defilement. It is that amazing of an ass. No one can stop thinking about that ass."

Tashen's favorite obsession has manifested itself in numerous ways. The entrance to the local mall is decorated with a pair of 12-foot glowing orbs that replicate and enlarge the splendor of Holdger's ass. In a $2 million renovation blitz, the city's water towers were rebuilt to look like Holdger's ass. The covers of Tashen's tourist brochures are festooned with unretouched photos of Holdger's ass, and the same photos are used in the school district's anatomy and art textbooks. Tashen High School's team nickname was changed from the Battlin' Warriors to the Battlin' Holdger's Asses. The football team's helmets have been indented to look like Holdger's ass.

"Sometimes, those flesh-colored, ass-like helmets fool even me," Tashen High School football coach Ed Meadrock said. "I'm thinking, hey, I want a piece of that."

Most striking is Assmas, Tashen's annual spring festival celebrating Holdger's ass. As Tashen resident Vic Henshaw described it, "Assmas is exactly like Christmas, except instead of trimming a tree, we trim Holdger's ass. Instead of reveling in the glory of Jesus and the spirit of Christianity, we revel in the glory of Holdger's ass and the spirit of Holdger's ass. It's almost identical."

For the duration of Assmas, which covers the last 20 days in May, everything in Tashen shuts down, with the exception of Holdger's ass. The only sounds that are heard are those that come from Holdger's ass. The only gifts that are given must be in the shape of, or depict some aspect of, or reflect in some essential way, Holdger's ass. The only words allowed to be thought are "Holdger's ass."

At the end of the festival, Holdger and his ass are raised high above the city hall. Glowing and inspiring, the ass emanates its perfect scent, sight and sound to the yielding minions that believe in one thing and one thing only: Holdger's ass. And all is perfect and peaceful.

Residents of Tashen are well aware that their ass worship may seem strange to outsiders, and they are eager to explain.

"People who aren't from here have to realize something about Holdger's ass," lifelong Tashen resident Paula Baines said. "It's not like a regular ass, or even an extremely above-average ass. Holdger's ass is on a different plane of asshood than your ass or mine entirely. A holy plane. Just thinking about Holdger's ass makes me want to think about Holdger's ass some more. Go now. Go and learn Holdger's ass."

"We exaggerate about a lot of things here in Tashen," resident Duane Renfro said. "Our stranglehold on the pillbox industry, the cleanliness of our lakes, the safety of our streets, the quality of our hotels. But there is one thing about Tashen that needs no exaggeration. And that is Holdger's ass."

More to come...

Another:

Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life in Closet
16 September 1998

LAGUNA HILLS, CA—It is a typical Sunday in this conservative Orange County suburb, as the parishioners of Holy Christ Almighty Baptist Church gather for morning worship. Organ music descends from the rafters as the wholesome-looking congregation files quietly into the building. Seated in orderly rows, the assembled families stand for the minister's blessing and open their hymnals to sing.

[Photo/Can't Link] Dennis Lindeman, a reformed homosexual whose natural sexual urges have been repressed with the help of the Lord.

Among them, his arm around his wife, smiling down at the fresh-scrubbed faces of his two young children, born-again Christian Dennis Lindeman sings his heart out, secretly imagining a huge, engorged cock thrusting all the way down into the back of his throat.

Difficult as it may be to believe, just three years ago, this 44-year-old churchgoing family man was a construction worker, nightclub regular, and self-described "party slut" in Los Angeles' seamy homosexual underground. But now, thanks to the friends he has made through the Orange County-based Reclamation Ministries, all that has changed. Today, Lindeman is living a new life, one of devotion to his wife and children, piety before the Lord, and intense self-hatred and shame in the face of his entirely unchanged sexual orientation.

"Before I was converted to the light of the Lord, I was constantly indulging my sinful, natural sexual desires," Lindeman said. "But now, with the help of Jesus, all those group gropes in the backs of abandoned trucks near the warehouse district are just so many shadowy memories, fueling so many secret masturbation sessions, followed by paralyzing attacks of guilt and fear, and frantic prayers begging forgiveness."

His motorcycle gear, leather cap and butt-plug long gone, Lindeman has finally found a place for himself in the house of the Lord.

"Thanks to my new friends at Reclamation Ministries, I am redeemed and born anew in Christ," said Lindeman, respected throughout the community as a hardware-store owner, youth soccer coach and Kiwanis Club treasurer. "Before, I never would have thought it possible that I could go without meaty, throbbing cocks pumping my lubed-up asshole on a regular basis. What's more, I never thought I could live with the crippling self-loathing and shame that denying my true self would bring. But with the love of Jesus and the strong support of my wonderful wife Diane, that miracle has come true."

[Photo/Can't Link] A 1995 photo of Lindeman and friends at an L.A. gay bar.

Unlike during his days of sexual liberation, the act of coupling, Lindeman said, is now a wholesome, maritally sanctified act devoid of any physical pleasure, performed solely for the purpose of procreation, as God intended.

"I feel so much better about myself," said Lindeman, choking back tears.

Diane Lindeman, a former lesbian also rescued by Reclamation Ministries, agreed with her husband. "We live like God intended now," she said, sitting bolt upright next to her husband in a stiff-backed chair, holding his hand for photographers. "We know that Jesus loves us for putting our homosexual ways behind us forever."

"God, I miss eating pussy," she added, grinding her teeth. "Deeply internalized self-hatred consumes every fiber of my being."

Dennis and Diane met in 1995 at a "Choose Love" weekend retreat, a Reclamation Ministries-sponsored program designed to help convert homosexuals to lives of decency and morality. The two grow teary-eyed recounting the story of their first meeting, recalling how a group of Christians held them in their arms and prayed to God to take away their natural sexual desires. They are nostalgic as they recall their wedding day, and how, with the help and support of their Christian brothers and sisters, they were able to convince themselves that a life of heterosexuality was for the best.

"Jesus has given me a fresh start," Dennis said. "When I lock myself in the bathroom with the light off, crying for hours on end, I know He is there watching over me, ready to hurl me into the pits of eternal hellfire if I give in to my ferocious, unquenchable desire to cup in my hands the butt cheeks of a hirsute Latino and gently tug them apart as I work my tongue into his ass."

Diane agreed. "Christ has taken over my life," she said. "Everything I am has been transformed by my Savior, who judges all in His love. I can't think of anything else but His divine mercy and guidance. Once I had my entire fist up this one chick's cunt. It was so incredible."

Rev. Henry Spottiswood, founder of Reclamation Ministries and marriage counselor for the Lindemans, praised the couple as "yet another victory" for the side of rectitude and piety.

"While it is true that Dennis and Diane may still harbor homosexual desires deep within their hearts, this is all right, because God forgives them for it," said Spottiswood, who had numerous homosexual encounters during his teenage years but has never allowed himself to consciously acknowledge them. "The important thing to remember is that this is not about what Dennis and Diane want. It is about what God wants for Dennis and Diane."

Added Spottiswood: "There is room enough for all in the closet of the Lord."

One More:

You're Going to Love My Balls
14 October 2003

I envy you, friend. You are a lucky, lucky person. Treasure this moment, because you are about to gaze upon my balls. And you are going to absolutely love them.

I realize that the average person sees a lot of balls in his or her lifetime, but most of those balls are, to put it kindly, sub-par. My balls, however, are beautiful. They are perfect in every way, from the sheen of my scrotal sac to the flawless shape and symmetry of the testicles to the flaxen softness of my pubic hair.

I go to great lengths to make sure my balls are show-quality balls. First and foremost is hygiene, of course: Nobody wants to see unclean balls. And not just any soap will do, as harsh detergents can cause unsightly scratching and mar the surface of the balls. I recommend a gentle, all-natural cleanser, like Dr. Bronner's Eucalyptus or Ayurvedic Olive Oil soap. The night before displays, I use a separate leave-on conditioner, but for everyday use, a good lotion like Neutrogena is all I really need.

Getting my balls clean and soft, however, is only half of it. I used to apply makeup to them, but the effect was far too artificial—the whole idea behind showing your balls in the first place is to showcase their natural beauty, with the emphasis on natural. So I use all-organic carnauba wax to give them a rich, deep luster. Three coats, buff with a hand-held electric orbital polisher, three more, polish again, and top it off with one final hand-rubbing. When you get down to it, there's just no substitute for bearing down on your balls with some good old-fashioned elbow grease. I do it while watching the evening news.

Yes, proper ball care can be a lot of work, but the enjoyment you get from having championship-quality balls is well worth the effort. You'll know what I'm talking about once you get a look at my balls. The sheen, the smoothness—do yourself a favor and get good and close when you're looking at them. You'll actually be able to see your reflection in them, like a kid looking into a fuzzy, fleshy, pink Christmas ornament. Get as close as possible, I don't mind. I do this for your enjoyment.

Now, I'm not one of those people who takes the time to fix something up all nice and then doesn't use it. I can't stand that. I mean, the Spirit of St. Louis hangs for all to see in the National Air & Space Museum, but you never see anyone flying it, do you? Well, like Lindbergh's plane, my balls hang for all to see—but I make sure they're not all show and no go. Anyone who wants to can touch my balls, provided, of course, they handle them gently and are wearing lint-free microfiber gloves. And please, no pulling: This could strain the scrotal sac and cause it to bag out, making it less attractive in appearance.

I promise you this: That magic moment when you first take in the glory of my balls will be one you'll remember for the rest of your life. You will most certainly see my magnificent balls many, many more times in the coming years, but it will never again be quite like the first time. I hope it's as special for you as it has been for thousands of other lucky folks. Enjoy.

oh, I'm dyin'.

I've just decided that "balls" is funnier than "cock." Cock has lost its funniness through overuse, and now "balls" sees a chance to reclaim the lead.

Totally unrelated Onion great. This one's from "News in Brief" section.

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.

Can't stop the flood. More. This one is about the best Jar Jar/Lucas smackdown out there:

80 Billion Tons of Jar Jar Merchandise Now 70 Percent Off
4 August 1999

NEW YORK—An estimated 80 billion tons of Jar Jar Binks-related merchandise—manufactured in bulk this spring in anticipation of the summer's blockbuster Star Wars prequel—is now available at as much as 70 percent off the regular retail price and could plummet even lower by week's end, according to a report issued Monday by the National Association of Toy & Novelty Retailers.

[Photo/Can't Link] Some 795 pounds of discounted Jar Jar merchandise hangs on display at a Garden City, NY, Toys 'R' Us.

"Come on down, one and all, and get your special, ultra-rare collectibles featuring everybody's favorite bumbling orange space-frog, the incomparable Jar Jar Binks, surely one of the most enduring and beloved characters in the entire Star Wars pantheon," NATNR spokesman Jonathan Oglivie said. "All across America, Jar Jar action figures, plush dolls, push-up pops, bedspreads, nightlights, play make-up heads, keychains, toothbrushes, mugs, mouse pads, bicycle helmets, TV-dinner trays, T-shirts, pajamas, coloring books, paint-by-number sets, jigsaw puzzles, glow-in-the-dark stickers, videogames, interactive read-along CD-ROM adventures, and pretty much anything else you can possibly imagine are available at low, low prices that anyone in the universe can afford."

Oglivie said the savings are part of a "very special, limited-time offer" available "only until we can somehow clear all this stuff off the shelves." He also noted that the estimated 850 billion cubic feet of cardboard-backed, plastic-wrapped Jar Jar merchandise is available "wherever virtually anything is sold."

Monday's report comes in response to what industry insiders are calling "a shelf-space crisis of unimaginable proportions" that has resulted in "giant piles of Jar Jar detritus as much as several stories high" in parking lots across the nation. Toy stores, gas stations and supermarkets everywhere are choked with items bearing the image of the omnipresent, mischief-making Gungan amphibian.

To deal with the massive overspill of goods, many retailers are offering a "bucket of Jar Jar" deal, in which customers who bring their own trashbag can take away "as much Jar Jar crap as they can carry" for a nominal fee, often one dollar or less.

"Not only is this clearance sale a chance to buy some terrific Star Wars merchandise at a great price," said Ames, IA, ShopKo manager Benjamin Reuss, "but it will also help fulfill the legal requirement that I clear a reasonable pathway to the fire exits before the fire inspector returns next Thursday."

[Photo/Can't Link] One of the 272,940 inflatable Jar Jar chairs currently dotting the American landscape.

"Let's face it: America is in the grip of a Jar Jar glut that has virtually paralyzed the nation," said sales-industry analyst Richard Januscz. "Almost anywhere you go in this country, there is a life-size stand-up cardboard cutout of Jar Jar Binks staring at you, extending a helpful hand toward the soft-drink dispenser, his grinning face seeming to say, 'Wah-nah so-dah?' He is inescapable. Something must be done immediately."

A spokesman for Lucasfilm said the enormous discounts represent "a fantastic opportunity" for Star Wars fans, noting that Jar Jar is a fun, adorable character who is loved by children of all ages.

"Who doesn't love Jar Jar, with his clumsy, side-splitting antics, adorable pidgin-English speech patterns, and hilarious Muppety voice?" asked Lucasfilm vice-president of licensing Joseph Gaer. "As George Lucas himself has repeatedly stated, the creation of Jar Jar Binks is his single greatest accomplishment in The Phantom Menace, the aspect of the film he's most proud of, because Jar Jar is the first completely digital character ever to appear in a major motion picture. Right?"

"Right?" added Gaer, wiping his brow. "Is anybody with me on this one? Hello?"

With the Jar Jar crisis mounting, the federal government has stepped in, urging citizens to "do their part" by purchasing at least one Jar Jar item. Citizens are also encouraged to stay indoors and use major business-district thoroughfares only if absolutely necessary.

Should the Jar Jar surplus reach disaster levels, the National Guard is poised to begin transporting the accumulated products to special "Emergency Jar Jar Storage Silos" in northern Nevada, where they will be kept until buyers can be found. If significant tonnage remains after these measures have been taken, the Jar Jar items will likely be recycled for use as building materials by Third World nations or, if necessary, as solid fuel.

But Ace, you're still far, far better.

Just don't get into the "show balls" business.

Same guy/columnist that wrote show balls column; use of the word cock may give balls a run for its money:

Bereaved? Come Bathe in the Healing Light of My Cock
4 March 2001

Are you bereaved from the loss of a loved one? Are you all alone in this world, with nowhere to turn? Are you one of the billions of wounded souls who have suffered a deep and unnameable anguish? Well, there is someone out there who understands. Or, to be more precise, something that understands. Something far bigger than you can possibly imagine.

You need to know that no matter how low you are feeling, you have a friend right now. A friend named My Cock.

My Cock will be there for you always, and My Cock does not judge. It just loves. Can you imagine being loved more than you ever thought possible? And more frequently? That is a joy you can know today, simply by inviting My Cock into your heart and various other parts of yourself.

Does it feel like the whole world has turned against you? My Cock would never turn against you. My Cock is loving and gentle. It will ease your pain and bathe you in Its healing glory, because My Cock understands, and It wants to love you as much as you want to be loved.

I know you are going through some hard times right now. But as hard as these times are, you must understand that there is something out there that is even harder. Let My Cock show you that you can know joy once again. You can know a deep and long-lasting joy. A deep, deep, deep and long-lasting joy. All night long, I would imagine.

You've probably heard of My Cock, but maybe you haven't given serious thought to what It could do for you. You doubtless figured, "I'm young. I have plenty of time to start a relationship with Lowell's Great Big Cock." But we only go around once, and you can never know when your time will be up. Life can end in the blink of an eye. Do you really want that to happen without knowing the everlasting joy that is My Cock? Thousands slip into a Cockless eternity every hour. Please do not be one of them.

But as important as it is to start and nurture a personal relationship with My Cock, you need to know that you have an enemy, as well. An enemy who pretends to have your best interests in mind but is really just out to use and destroy you. That enemy is called Jerry Smidlap's Cock. And it will lead you down a path to destruction.

My Cock does not discriminate. My Cock does not care whether you are rich, poor, young, old, black, white, red, yellow, or plaid. There is room for everyone–with the possible exception of fatties–in the Kingdom of My Cock. And there is nothing you can do that would make My Cock turn Its back on you. And not merely because it has no back. For even if It had a back, My Cock would never turn it on you because of something you did, no matter how bad the deed was.

My Cock has had Its detractors. There were people who hated My Cock. They persecuted It, they mocked It, they beat It, and they pounded nails through It. But My Cock is still here. Behold, My Cock has risen! It has risen time and time again, gazing down upon the entire world from on high. So those of you who have fallen from grace, who have lost your way, let My Cock point the way to your destiny.

In closing, suffer the little children to come unto My Cock, and I invite you, as well. Won't you accept My Cock today, or maybe Friday night?

Speaking of balls...

Ever try googling "scrotal infusion"?

Now see what you done KCTrio.

You know how if you leave dog food lying around outside you draw coyotes and raccoons out of the woods?

Well, if you post a string of articles about male genitalia...

I thought it was roadrunners that were your problem now?

But yes, I did invite that, most certainly. But then, I did post the Jar Jar article and the Shit Parking Ticket Fuck column, but those were definately off topic and out numbered by the male genitalia articles.

Finally, for those that are pissed about the Onion going premium with their old articles, what conservative would complain about such a thing? It's worth every penny. Look at all the great cock articles you can have access too. Oh, and Holdger's ass.