Damage Report: Best Slams From the Flame War

I'll do a top 20 this time, since there were a lot of good ones. Usually I exclude my own contributions from these contests, but hey, I got off a few good ones too, and I'm not too humble to say so.

If you didn't make the list, it doesn't mean you weren't funny. It just means there were twenty others that were better.

And also, it probably means that I don't like you very much.

Sorry for this -- this has been a very dirty week -- but obviously there is a Content Warning for the list. Things got pretty filthy pretty quick.

Top Twenty Best Slams From the Flame War

20. (Regarding my lack of interest in a flame war with Dave from Garfield Ridge, preferring to mix it up with semi-retired blogger AllahPundit:)

Well, don't get me wrong. I also don't like Dave very much, and of course I have plenty of derogatory things to say about him.

But let's be honest: I'm like a starting cornerback, and Dave's... well, you know, Dave's up in the bleachers with the band-dorks, thinking anybody gives a shit that they're playing some sort of "funked out" version of Louie, Louie.

I mean, okay, for a band dork, yeah, he's lead trumpet and all, but let's face it, when the game's over I'm gonna be the one getting a hummer on the back of the team bus and Dave's gonna be talking to his acne-scarred friends about how they "really kicked it up and got the crowd going" during the four-minute percussion solo in Some Like It Hot.

(regarding delinking Dave should he get too feisty with me:)

The nice thing about Dave is that... is there really any point de-linking him?

You see what I'm saying? You get where I'm going with this?

19. (LauraW:)

1. All of your haikus smell like ass. OK? You all suck, and I am just superior in every fucking way. Got it? Nevermind. Who cares what you think.

2. The only reason I visit you simian retards over here is to reinforce my belief in evolution. It is painfully clear that some of you animals just crawled from the primordial soup like last week.

18. (Log Cabin, bemoaning the decline in civility:)

Has the level of discussion actually sunk to the point where ace needs to officially devote an entire thread to insults and flame-throwing?

This is a sad day.

ps: Cedarford is a douchebag.

17. (SeanM.:)

None of you cretinous assholes is worth the flop sweat under Oliver Willis' man-titties.

16. (Carin:)

And, for the record, Dave - I am not wearing PANTS ... I prefer to blog naked.

(Not so much "funny" as something that instantly just fazes all male (and some female) readers and hence counts as a burn of sorts.)

15. (Laura, regarding Carin's declaration of nudity:)

Nobody cares, Carin.

Except perhaps the people who know you, that are vomiting at the thought of your puffy, blue-striped legs spread like twin wheels of gorgonzola over a chair before your computer. A fabric chair. *shudder*

Your flaccid, sack-like breasts draped casually on either side of your keyboard as you tap-tap-tap inept witticisms to an unwilling audience.

14. (JeffB impugning my social skills and making fun of my (boo, hoo) panic attacks:)

Ha. Ace should talk about parties. You should see this guy in action because it's like unintentional sketch comedy. He can't get two minutes into a conversation with a girl - ANY girl, even the fat ones or the flat ones - without twitching compulsively, blossoming flop-sweats underneath his work-shirt, and saying something like "so, does anyone else think Kim Richards peaked with Meatballs II? Because seriously, I think her turn in Tuff Turf while often held up as her defining work, is actually overrated."

...

PS: And Ace, no matter what anyone has told you, "Hey, would you like to come upstairs and touch my +3 Bag of Holding?" is not a "surefire" pick-up line.

13. (JackM. to Hobgoblin:)

Now get back to alphabetically categorizing your wife's vibrator collection. I understand you left off between the ones named "I wish I had married you instead of Hobgoblin" and "I don't understand why Hobgoblin is so into goats".

Oh yeah, she just got out of the shower and asked me to remind you to pick up some tampons for her on the way home.

12. (JeffB., hitting where it hurts:)

What's wrong, Ace? Can't think of any insults to post? All out of inspiration?

That's okay, you can just post a link to a good put-down you made back in May 2004.

You know, back when you were funny.

11. (after JeffB. girlishly apologizes for hurting my widdle feelings:)

Hey, JeffB., LauraW just called. She wants her vagina back.

...

But seriously-- never, never show any emotion or humanity to another guy. And I'm not sure it's a good thing to show it to women, either, unless you're trying to get into their pants, or it's your mom. Or it's Allah's mom, and you're trying to get into her pants.

Didn't you learn anything on the playground?

That's MY contribution to your PayPal tipjar of personal development, buddy. You'll thank me for this lesson one day.

Well, you'll thank me silently. Don't thank me out loud, or I'll call you a fuckin' queerbait.

10. (Dave, after Megan posts a link to what she says is what "a real slam looks like;" a link that leads to a sign-in page requiring registration to view:)

Yeah, great fucking flame there Megan.

"The board administrator requires all members to log in."

DAMN! SNAP!

That hurts, really.

9. (after JeffB. suggests I make an insult referencing hair-metal bands:)

Yeah, here's one: My favorite song is Dokken's Your Mother's A Whore and She Sucked My Cock.

I saw them perform that live in the Monsters of Metal tour.

8. (Hobgoblin, offering alternate Ace of Spades faves:)

How about your REAL favorite song: Whitesnake's I'm deperately trying to cover up my homosexuality by wearing make-up, fishnets, and lots of hairspray

Or maybe Slayer's I'm so trashed on cheap meth that I fucked some dude in a truckstop last night

I think that's more Ace-o-Spades style

7. (ZanyGirl, also in the "funny-because-it's-true" category:)

The dicks around here are far past the shriveled stage. They've been jerking off to Dusty so long that there's nothing left but scar tissue.

6. (Bbeck, to Andrew:)

We'll be glad to cut off your [balls] but I'd be afraid of hitting Ace's nose.

5.(Andrew, on why he pays Bbeck for sex, if she's as ugly as he claims:)

Sigh...I was paying you, Bbeck, because without an audience I couldn't have called it "performance art." It would have been just a guy humping a yeti.

4. (me, to vicious hurtful harpies Dianna, ZanyGirl, Bbeck, and SueDonhim:)

Welllll... looks like we have a regular Skankathon going on here. I haven't seen this much rotten road-fruit since I bluffed my way onto the Motley Crue tour bus.

How come whenever you ladies fart I can tell whether Vince Neill ate asparagus today?

3. (JackM.'s response to JeffB.'s insult about what he may be "doing":)

But you know what I'm NOT doing?

Goats. My right hand. My left hand. The corpses of hobo's at the morgue. Brian Boitano. Downtown Lad. The roadie that used to tune up Slash's guitar during the "Use Your Illusion" tour. A hole in the ground. Oliver Willis' armpit. Andrew Sullivan's beagle. Liberace's brother George. The cast of the local supper clubs performance of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". The original "Rocky Horror". Michael Jackson.

Pity you cant say the same. You fuckin' Jordanian "piece"-keeper.

2. (Andrew, on a pair of squabbling posters:)

Wow. I hope you two are done kissing when I get back from buying razors at the supermarket. Hobgoblin's sister's snatch ain't gonna shave itself, you know.

...and the Number One Top Slam from the Flame War...

1. (Andrew, making an unprovoked attack on me:)

Ace: I found some of your old poetry from high school. This one's my favorite:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Today the audio/visual club took turns fucking my mouth.