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March 21, 2005

The Stupidest Lyric Ever Written

It's late. The normal rules don't apply. It's like, you know, after hours.*

Plus, I'm drinking a little wine, well, a little more than a little, actually. And I just heard this song again on the radio, and it bothered me.

Actually, this song has been bothering me since I was a kid.

There's this song, right? If you're much younger than I am, you've never heard it. If you're as old as I am or older, you know this song.

It's Into the Night, by a guy called Benny Mardones, who you never heard of, even if you have heard the song.

Content Warning, and hey, I don't even know if it's worth it. You've been warned.

And this is an alright song and everything, I guess, but it contains just about the stupidest lyric ever written in the history of the world.

Basically, this is the chorus:

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

Okay, so I'm with Benny about flying and picking a chick up and taking her into the night. But then-- why the fuck would he do all that just to show her a duck?

It makes no fucking sense. You see what I'm saying here? First of fucking all, the very possibility of a man achieving flight under his own power is such a dramatic and far-fetched premise that you'd think he'd want to do something special with it, not just carry her into the troposphere and begin randomly pointing out waterfowl.

Second of all, ducks don't fly. Well, okay, they fly. A little. But they're not exactly high-soarers. Ever notice how much the high-altitude SR-71 Blackbird resembles the shape of a duck? No? Well, no one has either, because they look not a thing alike.

And there's a fucking reason for that, I'm guessing. The only man to ever use the aerodynamics of the duck-form for vehicular design was third-tier Batman villain The Penguin, and a fat lot of good it did him too.

I've seen a lot of ducks in my life, but they weren't flying. Most of them were waddling on the ground like feathered fucking retards, or cooling their dirty asses in a filthy fucking pond.

Ducks fly as often as I jog around Central Park. About every six months when they see Mr. T's workout scene in Rocky III and start thinking about "really getting into shape" and makin' themselves a set of those cool-ass cinderblock barbells.

So, if you want to show a woman a duck, why do we have to postulate the possibility of unassisted human flight? Why not just take her to the fucking park and point and say, "There you go, honey. Look. Ducks. Now, time for my handjob. See, I brought the Hawaiin Tropic lotion and everything."

Makes no goddamned sense.

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck

I'm not crazy here, right? I mean, the song just completely falls apart at that point.

Because, in case you couldn't guess, this is a bit of making-out-in-front-of-the-fireplace romantic ballad.

And so, you know, you're kinda getting to second base, and you're counting on this song to fucking deliver the goods, to really get your, you know, lady I guess, all juiced up, all ready to explore a "world of possibilities" (i.e., anal), and you're waiting for this fucking Benny Mardones character to deliver some really amazingly erotic line, and what's he fucking go and do?

He promises to show your lady a duck. A duck! I have no problems with ducks, but I have to figure, you know, it's not exactly the sort of thing that gets women's hearts a-pounding. Show them a Jaguar, maybe. Show them a Park Avenue apartment, now you're talking.

Show them a duck? Nothing. Maybe duck pate, for women with a taste for the finer things. But just a duck? I'm sorry. Get me rewrite.

In fairness, he does promise more than a mere duck:

I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

But again, what sort of duck would this be precisely? What sort of super-amazing WonderDuck could this jackoff have in mind here?

Is it, I don't know, made of Tungsten (also known as Wulfram) or something? Does it breathe fire? Does it posses magical powers, like the ability to, say, talk a woman into some three-way action?

And-- even if I concede, arguendo, this is in fact a duck like "you've never seen, nee-ver seen be-fore," is this really the sort of thing that's going to put a lady into the mood to really explore the boundaries of romantic love (i.e., videotape yourselves having sex so you can show your buddies)?

As I said: the stupidest fucking lyric ever fucking written.

Correction: Okay. Umm, this is terribly embarassing, but I just checked the lyric sheet, and he's not, in fact, promising to show anybody "a duck."

The actual lyric is:

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a love
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

All right, that's not really all that creative, he's not exactly going out on a limb promising to show a woman "a love" (i.e., his dorkbat), but I admit, it does make more sense than that "duck" line I thought he was singing.

I really don't know how I blew this one. One for the books, guys. One for the books.

Just forget I said anything.

I Have Great Concern About This Piece: The idea of this post sort of makes me giggle, but I think that just might be the seven-year-old in me. I have a feeling that no one else is going to find this amusing at all. Hell, three quarters of you won't remember or never even heard the stupid song.

Bad tail-to-tooth ratio here: lot of set up for minor payoff.

The sad thing is I'm not even drinking wine-- or I wasn't, before. I totally just said that as an excuse to pawn this goofy post off on you guys.

Now I am having a sip of wine, looking at this stupid post, thinking, "This would be the reason I don't get as much traffic as The Belmont Club. This sort of stupid shit, right here. This type of stupid-ass retard shit, plus my complete inability to make a coherent point about anything more complex than Peter Jennings being a little effeminate."

Oh well. As Son of Nixon once sagely advised me, "Some jokes are for an audience of one."

* Where?

posted by Ace at 02:06 AM

Comments

What does "duck" rhyme with, ace?

Posted by: Moonbat_One on March 21, 2005 04:33 AM

Have I got a book for you, Ace!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671501283/qid=1111397663/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-1153795-8854344

Posted by: Eric Pobirs on March 21, 2005 04:34 AM

Oops, perhaps the link function would better:
'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

Posted by: Eric Pobirs on March 21, 2005 04:37 AM

I was totally laughing my ass off at this post. Now I know why I keep coming back to this shithole!

Posted by: Digger on March 21, 2005 04:43 AM

Ok, let me get this straight.

You watch Rocky III twice a year?!

Rocky V I could understand. Even Cobra. Brigitte Nielson was definitely worth wasting 90 minutes on. But Rocky III and Thunderlips?

Or is it an extended A-Team fetish? Those days you don't post anything, is it because you are feverishly playing Zork, Grand Inquisitor, muttering "I love it when a plan comes together" every time Antharia Jack has some lines, breaking only to hit rewind on your copy of Fat Man and Little Boy?

Because if it is, well, you know, you're not alone.

Posted by: krakatoa on March 21, 2005 07:11 AM

I think a little grace is in order here. Everyone's entitled misunderstand a lyric from time to time, and certainly bloggers of this calibre are entitled to blow a post from time to time. And I'm thinking you're pretty tired... and you admittedly have been drinking.

And even though this stretches things right to the very limit (a duck??), I'm willing to let it slide.

This time.

Posted by: greg on March 21, 2005 07:12 AM

This post is wrapped up like a douche, dude.

Posted by: dave on March 21, 2005 08:16 AM

Benny's still playing the circuit, man, the pride of Syracuse doing the Atlantic City gigs and still bringing in those fat weepy chicks.

Not to go too far off topic here, but that type of show--the 70's weeper-crooner shit--is just prime scouting grounds for buxom gals in the mood for a "world of possibilities", as you put it. And if one of these gals should not return home, most likely the only one who'll notice is a very hungry cat (or seven.)

And if my parole officer's reading, I'm talking about taking the fat chick on a trip to Mexico or some shit, okay? And no, I won't go anywhere without checking in first. Geez.

Posted by: spongeworthy on March 21, 2005 08:44 AM

This post makes me feel ashamed to be an Ace of Spades reader and supporter.

Posted by: Jeff B. on March 21, 2005 08:51 AM

I mean, this isn't just "loose shit" we're talking about here. This is DIARRHEAL.

Posted by: Jeff B. on March 21, 2005 08:52 AM

Hahahaha! I never heard that particular mondegreen before....and I do remember that song.

I second the recommendation on the book _'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy_. I read it with my MIL and we were laughing so hard we almost peed all over the couch.

Posted by: on March 21, 2005 08:55 AM

In the words of the Blogfather:

Heh.

What kind of wine were you drinking? This may explain the confusion.

Posted by: Slublog on March 21, 2005 09:08 AM

duck for love? wow, good wine

don't take it too hard....laughs likes these make for repeat readers

Posted by: johnny on March 21, 2005 09:21 AM

Isnt this song about some old dude trying to bag some 16 year old chick? WTF? This song did come out in the 80s right?

Great post. The only problem with it is the fact that ducks can fly. Im pretty sure they can anyway. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Excuse me while i kiss this guy.
Big ol Jed had a light on.
Theres a bathroom on the right.

Posted by: on March 21, 2005 09:27 AM

and show you a duck
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

Well, does it have extra-extra-crispy skin? Because thats the kind of duck I'd like to see. If the chick is a foodie, I can see how she would indeed get all excited about that kind of a duck.

Posted by: lauraw on March 21, 2005 09:34 AM

This actually reminds me of the way kids understand the Pledge of Allegiance. You know, "and the republic where the witches stand..."

Posted by: gail on March 21, 2005 09:41 AM

Hey don't make fun of me gail. I really thought the nation was invisible!

Posted by: BrewFan on March 21, 2005 09:50 AM

Ace, this is hilarious. Thanks for making me look like a total dork at work, trying to stifle my laughter. I'm in the younger end of your readership but i totally remember (and despise) that song - although how you can hear duck instead of love...well i'm sure there is a good explanation. (It is kind of creepy - this old dude going for jailbait - while no one understands him. Should never be played for the romantic effect - just a warning. ) Nice execuse lie about the wine. It's ok we all have this moments. : )

Posted by: Petitedov on March 21, 2005 10:10 AM

Ace:

I was in third grade and wrote a little story as an assignment. The story was stupid, to be sure, but I can remember the horror I felt when, even though the teacher gave me an A, she got out her red pen and corrected the end of the story, which had the song "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

I had written:

"... nobody candy night."

What the fuck?! was basically the teacher's comment, and I felt the shame of not understanding the meaning of the fucking song. Even when she corrected the lyrics, I still didn't really understand the fuckin' song.

Ever since, I've enjoyed not understanding lyrics, and singing them the way I GD want to. I bet evrey person on the face of the planet has some childhood memories attached to this.

Then the circle completes itself when you have your own kids. You laugh your ass off listening to them sing songs that, even if they are "songs for kids," the lyirics still don't making any sense to a 5 year old. Then, you realize that no matter how much you want to correct your kid, you better just let them get it wrong just like you did. It's not like they're experimenting with drugs or some shit.

They'll fuck up lyrics at least until they hit 14, and hell, even then they'll fuck them up.

That's why REM was so great in their early years. Elvis Costello kind of had the same little mystery. Don't publish the lyrics, it makes you seem "artier." Or whatever the fuck their bag is.

Regardless, I'll always love early REM and early EC. When they started printing their lyrics, the magic was gone too. (Kind of, at least).

Keep slicing.

And LauraW: How about Peking Duck? Now that's a rarity that might work on some women. Especially if you're in a town where they don't make them every day. That's a rare dish.

Posted by: KCTrio on March 21, 2005 10:22 AM

Once I caught my little brother singing along with "Ban on the Rug" (a McCartney classic). I shouldn't have pounded on him. It was probably as good as the original.

Posted by: skinbad on March 21, 2005 10:29 AM

Fuckin' hilarious, Ace. I knew you'd misheard the lyric, but that line about the hawaiian tropic made me -- and my girlfriend -- laugh out loud.

Posted by: Matt on March 21, 2005 10:36 AM

ACE - "Some jokes are for an audience of one." Agreed! But a correction: ducks do fly, and some of them can really move too! Just try hitting them with a twelve guage and you'll find out how high and how fast they can move.

As to song lyrics, here are some of the best ever written, Cole Porter's Let's do it (Let's fall in Love)

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

In Spain, the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
Not to mention the Fins
Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins

Some Argentines, without means, do it
People say in Boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks them I know
Why ask if shad do it - Waiter, more "shad roe"

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

In old Japan, all the Japs do it
Up in Lapland little Laps do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it
Even eagles as they fly do it
Let's do it, let's fall
in love

The world admits bears in pits do it
Even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it
Let's do it, let's
fall in love

The royal set sans regret did it
And they considered it fun
Marie Antoinette did it -
with or without Napoleon

The Parliament, pleasure bent did it
Mam'selles when their short of rent, did it
Let's do it, Let's Fall in Love.

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 10:37 AM

If I were you, I'd find a drinking buddy.

I mean, it was funny, but I would rather think of you actually having fun (with a person) while drinking...;-)

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle on March 21, 2005 10:44 AM

I you don't want to buy the book mentioned above (near the top), here's the web site.

Posted by: PiZero on March 21, 2005 10:50 AM

I thought by now you'd realize

There ain't no way to hide your Lion eyes...

Posted by: lauraw on March 21, 2005 10:51 AM

And for you Steve Miller fans out there here are some of the worst lyrics I know of:

Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangsta of love
Some people call me Maurice
"Cause I speak of the pompatus of love"???

People talk about me, baby
Say I'm doin' ya wrong, doin' ya wrong
Well, don't you worry baby
Don't worry
Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home

Cause I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
And I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I sure don't want to hurt no one

I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run
Wooo Ooooo, Wooo Oooo

Well, You're the cutest thing
That I ever did see
I really love your peaches
Wanna shake your tree
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Ooo-eee baby, I'll sure show you good time

Cause I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
And I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run

I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
and I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I sure don't want to hurt no one

Wooo Woooo

People keep talking about me baby
Say I'm doin' you wrong
Well don't you worry, don't worry, nah don't worry mama
Cause I'm right here at home

You're the cutest thing I ever did see
I Really love your peaches want to shake your tree
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Come on baby and I'll show you a good time

YIKES!

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 10:59 AM

The girl with colitis goes by.

Posted by: on March 21, 2005 11:08 AM

How 'bout "Mo' Betta' Lyrics?" Ira Gerswin wote:

'S wonderful, 's marvellous
that you should care for me!
's awful nice, 's paradise,
's what I love to see.

You've made my life so glamorous,
You can't blame me for feeling amorous!
Oh 's wonderful, 's marvellous,
That you should care for me!

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 11:14 AM

How about "Louie, Louie"? Thats a whole song you could mangle and *nobody* would ever know!

Posted by: BrewFan on March 21, 2005 11:18 AM

don't forget 80s soft rock classic "Everytime you go away, you take a piece of meat with you"

Posted by: johnny on March 21, 2005 11:29 AM

O/T Another Dusty Girl?

PREVIOUS DUSTY....WHY HAST THOUGH FORSAKEN ME?

(Can't help the caps ...I fear change.)

Posted by: Jack M. on March 21, 2005 11:36 AM

It's Delightful, It's De'licious, It's DeLovely ...

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 11:42 AM

Hell, I liked the post too. Solid Gold baby.

Posted by: fat kid on March 21, 2005 11:46 AM

How 'bout this for great lyrics?
You’re the cream in my coffee,
You’re the salt in my stew
You will always be my necessity,
I'd be lost without you.

You’re the starch in my collar,
You’re the lace in my shoe
You will always be my necessity,
I'd be lost without you.

Most men tell love tales,
And each phrase dovetails
You’ve heard each known way,
This way is my own way:

You’re the sail in my loveboat,
You’re the captain and crew,
You will always be my necessity
I'd be lost without you.

You’re the cream in my coffee,
You’re the salt in my stew
You will always be my necessity,
I’d be lost without you.

You’re the starch in my collar,
You’re the lace in my shoe
You will always be my necessity,
I’d be lost without you.

You give life savor,
Bring out its flavor,
So this is clear, dear,
You’re my worcestershire, dear!

You’re the sail in my loveboat,
You’re the captain and crew,
You will always be my necessity,
I’d be lost without you.

(Lyrics and Music by B.G. De Sylva, Lew Brown and Ray Henderson 1923.)

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 11:51 AM

KCTrio, fuckin-A! I thought it was "nobody candy night," too! No one's ever called me out on it, but I've been embarassed about that shit ever since I figured it out at about 9 years of age.

Fuck!

Maybe we could start a support group.

And Ace, don't worry about the lying about the wine. If you can blame a night with a fattie (hypothetically, of course. I don't really know anything about that.) on one imaginary drink too many, you can certainly use it to justify a childish post.

Besides, you worked in, "time for my handjob" which, my mind, this justifies the entire post.

Posted by: The Warden on March 21, 2005 12:22 PM

I messed up lyrics publically recently; thought California Love by Dre went 'California, no doubt about it' when it's actually 'California, knows how to party'. Yaron from Daily Lunch corrected me but not before I used the (incorrect) line for the California part of my blogroll. Oh well.

Isn't this song about a very, very young girl?

Posted by: Karol on March 21, 2005 12:22 PM

72Virgins:

You're a collective after my own heart. That's one of my favorite of Nat's from his Trio days.

Try Frim Fram Sauce; take a look at those fuckin' lyrics.

Posted by: KCTrio on March 21, 2005 12:25 PM

Karol,

yes, as petite dov was mentioning on her site, it's expressly about a sixteen year old.

Which I can kinda understand.

It's this duck-business that rankles.

Posted by: ace on March 21, 2005 12:31 PM

LOL! Ok, Emily Litella.

Posted by: Frank Villon on March 21, 2005 12:36 PM

KCTrio - Great lyrics! Isn't it amazing that people such as Norah Jones (no folks she didn't write it Hoagy Carmichael did), Rod Stewart and even the Rolling Stones covered the song The Nearness of you?

It's not the pale moon that excites me,
That thrills and delights me, oh no,
It's just the nearness of you,

It isn't your sweet conversation,
That brings this sensation, oh no,
It's just the nearness of you,

I need no soft lights to enchant me,
If you'll only grant me, the right,
To hold you ever so tight,

And to feel in the night, ... the nearness of you.

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 01:13 PM

Brewfan - For bad lyrics (and music) how 'bout Wild Thing by the Troggs?

DOES ANYONE KNOW THE REAL LYRICS TO "WOOLLY BULLY?"

by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs?

Or "When a bird, bird, bird, bird is a winner" or who did it?

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 01:39 PM

Well virgins, good points. And speaking of stupid lyrics you have to wonder also why 'she' would go out in a blizzard to chase a horse (Wildfire!)

Posted by: BrewFan on March 21, 2005 01:52 PM

ACE,

Very funny.

I didn't know you was a city boy though, ducks are very fast, one of the fastest game birds. They can hit 60 + MPH.

Which makes them hard to shoot while drinking wine.

Those ducks in central park, must be lazy left wing ducks.
When the do fly, they go around in circles never accomplishing anything.

Posted by: GregS on March 21, 2005 02:26 PM

Thanks. And thanks to everyone who encouraged me as regards this very stupid post.

Posted by: ace on March 21, 2005 02:38 PM

Best laugh in a long time.

Posted by: mary on March 21, 2005 03:12 PM

Brewfan - Yeah, never liked Wildfire anyway, it was so melodramatic. How 'bout these?

WOOLY BULLY (Domingo Samudio)

Uno, dos, one, two, tres, quatro
Matty told Hatty about a thing she saw.
Had two big horns and a wooly jaw.
Wooly bully, wooly bully.
Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.
Hatty told Matty, "Let's don't take no chance.
Let's not be L-seven, come and learn to dance."
Wooly bully, wooly bully
Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.
Matty told Hatty, "That's the thing to do.
Get you someone really to pull the wool with you."
Wooly bully, wooly bully.
Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 04:08 PM

Classic Ace:

I've seen a lot of ducks in my life, but they weren't flying. Most of them were waddling on the ground like feathered fucking retards, or cooling their dirty asses in a filthy fucking pond.

That's still making me belly laugh the third read around.

Posted by: fat kid on March 21, 2005 04:14 PM

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.

Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.

Suzanne by Leonard Cohen 1968

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 04:20 PM

This syncopation is superb as are the lyrics:

Have you seen the well-to-do
Up and down park avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air

High hats and narrow collars
White spats and lots of dollars
Spending every dime
For a wonderful time

Now, if you’re blue
And you don’t know where to go to
Why don’t you go where fashion sits
Puttin’ on the ritz
Different types who wear a daycoat
Pants with stripes and cutaway coat
Perfect fits
Puttin’ on the ritz

Dressed up like a million dollar trooper
Trying hard to look like gary cooper
Super-duper

Come, let’s mix where rockefellers
Walk with sticks or umberellas
In their mitts
Puttin’ on the ritz

Tips his hat just like an english chappie
To a lady with a wealthy pappy
Very snappy

You’ll declare it’s simply topping
To be there and hear them swapping
Smart tidbits
Puttin’ on the ritz

Puttin’ on The Ritz - Irving Berlin 1929

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 04:30 PM

72Virgins:

First of all, that Steve Miller song, "The Joker." I've got a very dirty version of that, but Ace would kill me and flay me with his bare hands if I posted them. Let's just say it makes "Margaritaville" tame by comparison.

Second, what about the best: Hoagie Carmichael. "Stardust." And let's not forget Nelson Riddle.

Third, ever hear "Mr. Cole Won't Rock and Roll?" Funniest shit on the planet. Parody of his songs done in R&R fashion. The best, funniest shit I've heard from a crooner. The King had class. And, a velvety smooth baritone. To this day, I get a little chuckle to myself thinking of all those young white housewives in the '40s and '50s listening to that man sing and their hearts swooning at that voice, and their husbands oblivious to it. I like to think that back then, there were plenty of white and black women (any woman, for that matter) that might have thought to themselves "If that man wants to come into my home, I'm available."

The Warden:

Let's just say we are kindred spirits. Great that struck a nerve, because I thought I was the only one, too. You made me smile, manfully, like a Viking.

Posted by: KCTrio on March 21, 2005 05:30 PM

WE'RE PINHEADS NOW, WE ARE NOT WHOLE, WE'RE PINHEADS ALL, JOCKO HOMO, ARE WE NOT MEN?
D-E-V-O

Posted by: 72WIVES on March 21, 2005 05:45 PM

Let's get physical, physical, I wanna get physical, let's get into physical,
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk, let me hear your body talk ...

Physical written by - Stephen Kipner & Terry Shaddick 1981

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 06:08 PM

This is a good note to sign-off on:

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others,
And let others do for you,
May you build a ladder to the stars,
And climb on every rung,
May you stay, forever young,

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth,
And see the light surrounding you,
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay, forever young,

Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation,
When the winds of changes shift,
May your heart always be joyful,
And may your song always be sung,
May you stay, forever young,

Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

Bob Dylan 1973

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on March 21, 2005 06:19 PM

I don't get it. What happened to the duck?
; )

Posted by: Dan on March 21, 2005 07:40 PM

Give me the people to free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away.....

Posted by: Grace on March 21, 2005 09:00 PM

Awesome post, Ace! That's why I keep coming back...

Posted by: Squatch on March 21, 2005 09:50 PM

I'm surprised at the duck bit. The unassailable worst, stupidest lyric belongs to Zager & Evans "In the Year 2525". (1969)

"For what We Never Knew...

Now Man's Brain is Through

But Through Eternal, Twinkling Starlight

It's so Very Far Away

Maybe it's Only Yesterday"

Reeech! Uauulf! Uauulf. Splash! Uluaff......Unhhn.....Splash! Splash! Splash!

Sorry, couldn't hep myself.

Posted by: Cedarford on March 21, 2005 11:49 PM

Following in Cedar's* wake, I would like to nominate "Deutschland Uber Alles" as the stupidest lyric.

'Cause, at most, they were only over some.

And it didn't last very long.

*who, by the way, is a cocksucker

Posted by: Jack M. on March 21, 2005 11:55 PM

Ace - you actually get a girl to go to the park with you to see some stupid duck and the best thing you can think of is a hand job? you need more wine!

Posted by: Anita on March 22, 2005 12:29 AM

Excellent, dude. More stupid-ass retard shit please!

Why compete with the Belmont Club? They're a club, after all. Instead of that, compete with Scrappleface, Beautiful Atrocity, and Iowahawk.

Bird bird bird, bird is the word
B-b-b-bird bird, bird is the word
B-b-b-bird bird bird, bird is the word
Buh-buh-buh buh
Surfing Bird!

You mean that?

I forget who did it first, but Joey Ramone did it perfectly. R.I.P.

Posted by: Lorenzo on March 22, 2005 10:53 PM

Old Man River? It dont know nothin? Anyone?

Posted by: Jack on May 27, 2005 05:32 PM

People are wondering why I'm snickering so much.

Posted by: rdbrewer on August 9, 2005 10:07 AM

Friend of mine went around all summer singing the Billy Squires anthem "you're my candelabra, mah-a candelabra-aa..."

Posted by: David on August 9, 2005 10:18 AM

ducks don't fly. Well, okay, they fly. A little. But they're not exactly high-soarers...
I've seen a lot of ducks in my life, but they weren't flying. Most of them were waddling on the ground like feathered fucking retards, or cooling their dirty asses in a filthy fucking pond.

OK once more with feeling! Ducks do fly and they fly very well, some of them fly very fast too! Some NA ducks fly all the way from Canada to Argentina and back every single year. Just because they hang around in summer getting fat and ungainly in preparation for their migration and waddle around doesn't mean they can't fly. Ducks fly everywhere they go, that's how they got there.

Posted by: on August 9, 2005 10:26 AM

Anybody got the lyrics to Undercover Angel or Turning Japanese?

Posted by: 3rd_Bird on August 9, 2005 10:34 AM

ducks don't fly. Well, okay, they fly. A little. But they're not exactly high-soarers... I've seen a lot of ducks in my life, but they weren't flying. Most of them were waddling on the ground like feathered fucking retards, or cooling their dirty asses in a filthy fucking pond.

Ducks don't fly? How do you think they got to the Central Park Pond where you saw them, take the A Train?

Posted by: 72 VIRGINS on August 9, 2005 02:02 PM

You know I have read some stupid shit before in my life, but your piece on Benny's Mardones's song "Into the night"IS COMPLETLY WRONG. The word Duck does not appear anywhere in that song. It is a beautiful song that has lasted the test of time. It is the 11th most requested song in the country, still till this day. And thats a fact. Check Billboard. So DINK let me tell you how the song really goes. AND I ought to know. I have known Benny for over 30 years and still is one of my best friends. I am Benny Mardones's Ex wife Sondra and Benny is the father of my son Michael,
So for the record here's how the song really goes

If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
and show you a "LOVE"
like you never seen

Thanks for letting me set it straight.
Sondra Mardones

Posted by: Sondra Mardones on September 21, 2005 03:07 PM

Sondra, go back and read towards the bottom of the post:

Correction: Okay. Umm, this is terribly embarassing, but I just checked the lyric sheet, and he's not, in fact, promising to show anybody "a duck."

The actual lyric is:

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a love
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

Posted by: BrewFan on September 21, 2005 03:15 PM

OOOPS! Sorry, I guess I should have read the whole piece before I shot of my mouth off.
I see now where you corrected it;

So Never Mind

Sondra Mardones

Posted by: Sondra Mardones on September 21, 2005 03:16 PM