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March 11, 2005

Top Ten Additional Reasons the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks

By Ace and the unofficial staff of Ace of Spades HQ.

10. Errors in navigation caused by conflict between global positioning system and graph paper (David)

9. Insubordinate gamers often accuse their higher-level officers of "munchkinism" or of being "the DM's pet" (Dave from Garfield Ridge; adapted a little)

8. Too many jeep's wheels have been blown out due to running over a misplaced d4 (Ace)

7. Morele is hurt when players refer to others as "Non-Player Characters" (vonKreedon)

6. Insist on establishing a "marching order" with painted miniatures before every patrol; fights often break out as someome is always stuck with being represented by a Parcheesi pawn or the shoe from Monopoly (Ace)

5. It's not the D&D per se that disqualifies, it's that most gamers can't meet the IDF's prerequisite minimum charisma of 8 (David)

4. Gamers' idea of "intelligence gathering" is going to the local bar, ordering a "mead," and asking the bartender, "So, any interesting rumors and/or opportunities for adventurers?"

3. More selfish recruits ignore the battle plan and go straight after the targets with the "the most experience points" (Patrick)

2. It is simply not a recognized defense to a court-martial that you are Chaotic Evil and simply being faithful to your "character concept" (adapted from Vecna)

...and the Number One Further Reason the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks...

1. Six words: "Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!" (David)

Beating a Dead Paladin's Warhorse Bonus Entry:

0. Applications from gamers seem to include a suspicious number of "natural 18's" and successful rolls for psionics

posted by Ace at 01:54 PM

Comments

Well, geez Ace, if I knew you were taking suggestions, I would've made sure mine didn't suck.

I guess I must always stay on top of my game.

BTW, your #4 is great.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on March 11, 2005 02:07 PM

Ace, if you aren't reading Order of the Stick, you definitely should be.

Posted by: Kevin on March 11, 2005 02:10 PM

Man, you could make a career out of this gag... keep 'em coming!

Posted by: thoughtomator on March 11, 2005 02:20 PM

Man, you could make a career out of this gag...

Uhhhh... the pathetic thing is, I already have.

Posted by: ace on March 11, 2005 02:24 PM

Chock full of chewy geekiness! I guess I need to stop more often, so that I to, Morticus, level 20 Demi-god of Magic, could contribute.

Posted by: Fersboo on March 11, 2005 05:27 PM

And the hits just keep on comin'...

More reasons the IDF discriminates against D&D players:

IDF General Staff obviously a pack of absinthe-swilling, black-mascara'd, Gother-than-thou Vampire: The Masquerade players.

Ariel Sharon still furious about the hit he took on that Avalon Hill stock he bought in the late '70s.

Lorraine Williams recently promoted to a high position in the Mossad.

Old-school D&D players insist they are unable to attack the enemy in a combat situation more quickly than once per 60-second "combat round".

New-school D&D players considered incomptent with firearms for their bizzare delusion that single-shot muzzle-loading black powder weapons can be reloaded with loose powder and ball in just a 3-second "standard action".

Old-school D&D-playing soldiers going on leave always violate military decorum by inquiring about the best places to randomly encounter "cheap trollops", "saucy tarts", and "wanton wenches".

New-school D&D-playing soldiers always whining about "challenge ratings" when sent on tougher missions.

One too many incidents of a D&D-playing soldier going to a Jerusalem souk and swapping his new Tavor rifle to a GURPS player in exchange for a pair of masterwork scimitars and a set of fake dark-elf ears.

Too many D&D-playing officers killed by thinking their high rank gave them enough "hit points" to survive direct rocket-propelled grenade hits.

IDF higher-ups noticed D&D players' odd habit of targeting older enemies first, particularly those wearing robes or carrying sticks or walking staffs rather than weapons.

Hope you all enjoyed 'em... :)

Posted by: Bored-Flak, the Bolt-Lobber on March 12, 2005 02:17 AM

A corollary to the one I made up:

Responds to being surrounded and outnumbered with glee at all the XP they'll earn. ;)

Posted by: Patrick Chester on March 13, 2005 04:30 PM


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Morele is hurt when players refer to others as "Non-Player Characters" (vonKreedon) 6. Insist on establishing a "marching order" with painted miniatures before every patrol; fights often break out as someome is always stuck with being represented by a Parcheesi pawn or the shoe from Monopoly (Ace) 5. It's not the D&D per se that disqualifies, it's that most gamers can't meet the IDF's prerequisite minimum charisma of 8 (David) 4. Gamers' idea of "intelligence gathering" is going to the local bar, ordering a "mead," and asking the bartender, "So, any interesting rumors and/or opportunities for adventurers?" 3. More selfish recruits ignore the battle plan and go straight after the targets with the "the most experience points" (Patrick) 2. It is simply not a recognized defense to a court-martial that you are Chaotic Evil and simply being faithful to your "character concept" (adapted from Vecna) ...and the Number One Further* Reason the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks...* 1. Six words: "Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!" (David) Beating a Dead Paladin's Warhorse Bonus Entry: 0. Applications from gamers seem to include a suspicious number of "natural 18's" and successful rolls for psionics posted by Ace at 01:54 PM Comments Well, geez Ace, if I knew you were taking suggestions, I would've made sure mine didn't suck. I guess I must always stay on top of my game. BTW, your #4 is great. Cheers, Dave at Garfield Ridge Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on March 11, 2005 02:07 PM Ace, if you aren't reading Order of the Stick, you definitely should be. Posted by: Kevin on March 11, 2005 02:10 PM Man, you could make a career out of this gag... keep 'em coming! Posted by: thoughtomator on March 11, 2005 02:20 PM Man, you could make a career out of this gag... Uhhhh... the pathetic thing is, I already have. Posted by: ace on March 11, 2005 02:24 PM Chock full of chewy geekiness! I guess I need to stop more often, so that I to, Morticus, level 20 Demi-god of Magic, could contribute. Posted by: Fersboo on March 11, 2005 05:27 PM And the hits just keep on comin'... More reasons the IDF discriminates against D&D players: IDF General Staff obviously a pack of absinthe-swilling, black-mascara'd, Gother-than-thou Vampire: The Masquerade players. Ariel Sharon still furious about the hit he took on that Avalon Hill stock he bought in the late '70s. Lorraine Williams recently promoted to a high position in the Mossad. Old-school D&D players insist they are unable to attack the enemy in a combat situation more quickly than once per 60-second "combat round". New-school D&D players considered incomptent with firearms for their bizzare delusion that single-shot muzzle-loading black powder weapons can be reloaded with loose powder and ball in just a 3-second "standard action". Old-school D&D-playing soldiers going on leave always violate military decorum by inquiring about the best places to randomly encounter "cheap trollops", "saucy tarts", and "wanton wenches". New-school D&D-playing soldiers always whining about "challenge ratings" when sent on tougher missions. One too many incidents of a D&D-playing soldier going to a Jerusalem souk and swapping his new Tavor rifle to a GURPS player in exchange for a pair of masterwork scimitars and a set of fake dark-elf ears. Too many D&D-playing officers killed by thinking their high rank gave them enough "hit points" to survive direct rocket-propelled grenade hits. IDF higher-ups noticed D&D players' odd habit of targeting older enemies first, particularly those wearing robes or carrying sticks or walking staffs rather than weapons. Hope you all enjoyed 'em... :) Posted by: Bored-Flak, the Bolt-Lobber on March 12, 2005 02:17 AM A corollary to the one I made up: Responds to being surrounded and outnumbered with glee at all the XP they'll earn. ;) Posted by: Patrick Chester on March 13, 2005 04:30 PM Post a comment Name: Email Address: URL: Comments: Remember info?	Now Available! The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines TJM discusses the Martin Scorsese film Hugo Paul Sperry @paulsperry_ NEW: Just heard something extraordinary from a former White House official who worked with former National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster in Trump45's NSC: "McMaster had weekly phone calls with George Soros. We have no idea why." Neither could be reached for comment. Deport...Deport...Deport The F*ing Lot! A new UK anthem? 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