One of the only truly geeky D&D terms I ever learned was Vorpal.

And a vorpal uzi?

That would be teh awe5om3!

l33t!

(That's the only hacker speak I know, so we're even.

Okay, I admit: I know PRON and Pwon, too.)

n00b h4a>

the formatting does not like leet-speak, damn it all

And loot their bodies...

LOL - I still think that would go great on the shirts!

Ace, it's "pwn." Sorry - you're just not truly geeky enough to hang with the H@X0RZ.

4. It just looks bad on television when soldiers kill terrorists and immediately begin looting their bodies for "treasure" and "magic items"

I don't know how you do it, Ace. But in nearly every one of these top 10 lists (which are uniformly good, don't get me wrong), there's one that just leaps out and beats you in the forehead. And it's never #1!

Ace, I would like to solemnly state that I know nothing of teh hax0r5, and my coding ability is nil.

I just typed "teh" inadvertently and figured i'd "punch it up" with a bit of 1337-ness.

You're still far, far ahead in the geekstakes.

I don't always take the time to organize them. Further, I didn't think that joke was all that strong; tastes differ.

Usually my rule is to end with a SHORT ONE, even if it's not terribly funny, a rule I violated here. And I don't bother making #1 the funniest, anyway; often I go for some sort of double-irony that spoofs the concept of the list (funny or not).

I switched it up. I put my favorite, the one about the monty haul campaign, at number 1.

Just to be difficult.

BTW, I'm just following Letterman's pattern with that. Letterman's number one is usually pretty weak as a joke, for some reason, although it might make sense as a concluding thought or half-serious declaration.

I figure he knows what he's doing.

Rejected top ten reasons:

11) Tired of soldiers asking that infrared goggles be replaced with "ultravison" prototype.

12) Errors in navigation caused by conflict between global positioning system and graph paper.

13) It's not the D & D per se that disqualifies, it's the IDF minimum charisma of 11 that the recruits are failing

David,

Your kung-fu is strong.

FWIW, read some interview with Letterman where he conceded #1 was never the funniest. Says the big laugh is usually stuffed at #6 cause that's when the graphic switches over to a new (empty) screen to run down the remaining 5. They want the big laugh to cover over that screen change.

Wow, Ace is bringing out the big guns with the "Gamma World" reference. How about going nuclear with "Traveller" and "Top Secret" references as well? Or perhaps "Champions" or some vintage "Villains and Vigilantes".

Great games all...

Long live Geekdom!!!!!

Oh CRAP!

How could I forget "Aftermath"!!

One of the best EVER! Sha!

Grendel, I owned every single game you mentioned.
God I was ok, am a geek.

Other reasons:

Dubious kashrut status of Elven bread.

Too many players want to study multiple specialties, claiming they are half-elves.

Have you ever tried to get tank oil out of a cloak of levitation?

Joo noobs. L33t spe4k rulz teh skoolz. joo have b33n pwned by teh h4xxors, suxxors.

4ll joor vorp@l uzi's b3long to us!

Even more rejected reasons:

14) It's a "broken window" thing. First you get D & D geeks, then it's trekkies, before you know it you've got soldiers who write "erotic furries" with themselves and Trek characters.

15) Top brass knew that if they heard one more "made my saving throw against that I.E.D." comment that they would just have to f'n SHOOT someone.

16) Six words: "Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!"

Ace, I love it when you let your Inner Geek shine through. And you guys beat me to the Letterman thing, dammit.

What ever became of Runequest?

Armchair,

Runequest got himself appointed to the Supreme Court, when he serves to this very day!

.....Thanks. You've been great. I'll be here all week.......

Oohhh...that Runequest. I thought he was taller.

(Is there still a 2 drink minimum?)

I'm telling you, Gangbusters was the best game. You could be a cop, a criminal, or even a....newsaper reporter! How much more fun could you have on a Saturday night?

Methinks that many in the MSM were Gangbusters players that never grew out of it.

-- U.N. criticism mounted after IDF soldiers repeatedly lost Hamas suspects in their Bags Of Holding.

-- Arab League bemoaned constant improvement of Israeli armed forces, citing "munchkinism."

-- IDF D&D players kept calling Hezbollah "dirty kobolds" to the press, as well as referring to the West Bank as "the Forgotten Realms."

The simple way to deal with rat hunters is to make their acquired skills only applicable against rats. This keeps them in the minor leagues unless an outbreak of af giant rats are a major element of the campaign.

It's kind of like a bully who only picks on targets that are hopelessly weaker than themselves. No challenge makes for no gains against real foes.

11. Uselessness of "plant door" spell in Sinai desert.

12. Myth among some buck privates that "we're thieves, and even at 1st level we have an 80 percent chance of hiding in shadow."

13. Catastrophe when company's evil magic-user said "Hastur" three times in succession.

14. One too many out of control iron golems.

15. Disregard for innocent civilians by those opting for "chaotic evil" alignment.

16. Fragging incident in which CO was "magic jarred" to center of earth.

17. Continual insistence by injured D&Ders they didn't want a medic but a cleric--preferably 9th level or higher.

You know what would make a great IDF/D&D post...some Kaballah/Celebrity references!

C'mon peeps! Show some initiative! This is a pop culture/geek' fantasy world/humor/current events site after all.

I'll start (continuing from Vecna's post)...

18. Knesset got tired of authorizing Mossad operations to retreive 20 sided dice from Madonna's kabbalah sessions.

Next?

--Problem with troops ignoring the battle plan and instead going after the targets that have "the most XPs".

There's always Twilight:2000. :)

Too many fighters add levels in the "Dorkwad" prestige class, reducing their combat effectiveness

Do I spy a contemporary 3rd Edition reference sneaking its way into a classic D&D retro-geek post? (the fact that I spotted this is a testament to my cred in this particular area).

Vecna: you are approaching bbeck territory. Of course, you could be bbeck for all we know. In any event, your nickname is not lost on me.

Boy, does THIS thread bring back memories:)

I guess the IDF would have a problem with Trekkies, though: They would keep trying to set their Galils to "stun".

On the other hand, isn't the new XM-8 assault rifle +5 against Orcs and chaotic evil elves?

Chaotic Evil - actually, not a bad description for the terrorists!

Let's all give Vecna a Hand! (And keep an Eye out for him.)

If you don't get it, be thankful.

George, there's definitely some third edition-style non-Gygax crap creeping in here. I've cautioned Ace about the "critical hits" before. He's got three days to straighten this out. You hear me? One week.

Because "Split up so we can cover more ground" sucks tactically.

Because "I loot the body" should never precede "I shoot him", which appears to be a trait common to long term players. (As does 'I shoot him _so_ I can loot him.)

Because Israel doesn't have enough trees to provide all the 10' poles required by the obsessive-compulsive pit trap seekers. Or War Dogs for each private.

Because the 1-in-20 chance of a critical hit is an unrealistically low rate in the firearm era. It's more like crit tables from Charmas... I mean Rolemaster. (He fires, ok you lose _x_, um, and _y_ too.)

Because you figure out that some of your squad _are_ unlucky. Once you realize that Joe's managed 10 critical fumbles, with one being a -329 on a d100 on the Ritual Magic Failure Table of Rolemaster, it's tough to even consciously associate 'lucky' with 'Joe'.

Because Shadowrun is just way more apt for IDF and Mossad.

Because brainstorming sessions 'How do we get past the guards' come too close to reality and just increases the number of things they need to guard against.

ace, I was a hardcore D&D geek back in the day, yet I still managed to sneek into into a military academy.

I spent the first gulf war dealing death from my 30mm of righteous justice (A-10 Warthog) -- nothing says we love you quite like a bullet the size of a coke bottle screaming at your nugget.

Now I'm shackeled to the -10 desk for this war and its killing me, which is funny because there's people I really want to be killin', but that's OT.

Ace, the loose shit about the shirts is making a fuckin' maniac out of me! The guys get shirts! That's just the fuckin' way it is!

Preferably black, so I can wear it under the flight suit.

Great stuff! Tell me what book this is from?

11 - At the death of a comrade, too many IDF soldiers "take his pack to carry treasure in."

"... after giving him the last rites of my church."

Uh, George, that ain't me. Pfft, I wouldn't name myself after a lich, fer cryin' out loud. I'm also too busy prepping for next week's tourney to come up with those most excellent additions to Ace's Top Ten list Vecna provided.

And, um, I'm a FIRST Edition purist, doll, so I would NEVER throw in any 3rd Ed references.

Later,
bbeck

pffft. You guys are living in the past.

bbeck, you and I can take another spectacular tour around White Plume Mountain while Ace fannies about with Eberron or some such nonsense.

- Confusion caused when D&D players refer to Commanding Officer as "DM".
- Loss of moral among D&D players when results of Hellfire not what they'd expected.
- Degradation in individual effectiveness when it is found that D&D players have been logging weapons practice time with dice instead of live ammo.
- Strong tendency for D&D reservists to get debilitating sunburns when called to active service, and so out of their parents basements.
- When ordered to fire a Javelin at a sniper position one D&D player stood up and threw a stick while yelling, "Javelin!".

-- Insist on establishing a "marching order" with painted miniatures before every patrol; often causes some tension within the unit, as someome is always stuck with being represented by a Parchesi pawn or the shoe from Monopoly

- Negative impact on unit cohesion when D&D players keep referring to others as "Non-Player Characters".

-- Their idea of "intelligence gathering" is going to the local bar, ordering a mead, and asking the bartender, "So, any interesting rumors and/or opportunities for adventurers?"

As God is my witness, I actually knew what all the references were. I need help, lots of help.
"Cleric! We need a cleric right now!"

Ace, I'm in the SCA, I'm supposed to be living in the past. Har de har har.

And George, lol, I never did go for DnD-based fiction. I nearly got violent with the hubs when he wanted me to read the first Dragonlance novel.

Later,
bbeck

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