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February 21, 2005

If the Giants Don't Go 11-5 Next Season, I'll Lop Off My Mangerines

Well, I probably won't -- they'll be lucky to go 8-8 and I sort of enjoy having testes -- but I've been inspired by the example of this clearly dedicated rugby fan:

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.
Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Next time, dude, considering ponying up the eight bucks for a nice big foam finger. A foam finger says "We're Number One."

Self-severed testicles just say "Mama didn't hug me enough."

Mike sent the tip, along with his own funny take on it... which, believe it or not, is just too graphic even for this site.

posted by Ace at 12:41 AM

Comments

I bet he doesn't have the balls to do that again.

Posted by: Hondo on February 21, 2005 03:24 AM

Well, look on the bright side. He removed himself from the gene pool, didn't he?

Still, that's gotta sting.

Posted by: Giacomo on February 21, 2005 05:49 AM

Go GIANTS! I'm a season ticket holder and the last two seasons have hurt!

Posted by: Winston on February 21, 2005 09:26 AM

Ouch !!!!!

Posted by: River Rat on February 21, 2005 09:46 AM

Now that's bad luck.

Your team wins for the first time in God-knows-when and it just happens to be the one time that you promise to lop your balls off if they do.

Posted by: Kazmin on February 21, 2005 12:18 PM

Mangerines, that's great!

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on February 21, 2005 12:40 PM

Mangerines rocks (I know, bad pun alert, but couldn't resist). I rather like "crown jewels," also.

But mangerines beats (sorry, another bad pun) rocks or crown jewels, hands-down (sorry, another reference).

You can't comment on this story without making dirty double references (or even triple references).

It's just too funny/disgusting/sad.

KCTrio

Posted by: KCTrio on February 21, 2005 12:51 PM

The Giants? Lordy, bet the jewels on someone else, Ace, or demand a better record before the self-surgery kicks in!

Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin on February 21, 2005 02:27 PM

And thus the majestic process of natural selection continues to improve the breed...

"Mangerines." Damn, Ace. I could stare at my crotch for the next decade and not come up with anything that clever.

Posted by: utron on February 21, 2005 03:34 PM

I find this very hard to believe. Surely cutting off one's own testicles would be an exceedingly difficult and painful thing to do. But if true, as utron said: "the majestic process of natural selection continues to improve the breed..."

Posted by: skeptic on February 21, 2005 04:31 PM

This clown just demonstrated he doesn't deserve 'em. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Posted by: a on February 21, 2005 04:32 PM

Now this guy had balls!

Posted by: a+ on February 21, 2005 04:43 PM

I'll bet his friends were really impressed, so why stop there?

Posted by: Too Many Daves on February 21, 2005 04:45 PM

Yo ACE! I have a really good meat clever you can use if you promise to wash it off afterward. It'd be a lot better than a knife cause you could do it with one swipe instead of all that sawing.

Posted by: GOING TO ZEUS on February 21, 2005 05:46 PM

Ace, this reminds me of the book "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday, which I read a long long time ago. The book was a collection of men's sexual fantasies. Anyway, this one man wrote in that he fanatized of his wife getting it on with the UPS guy. In the fantasy, the husband catches the wife and UPS guy in the act. Then the UPS guy castrates the husband, and promptly proceeds to have sex with the wife, right in before the husband's eyes. Yet still, the husband manages to get very aroused watching the two of them going at it. Now what, you might be asking at this point, would be the cause of such a bizarre fantasy? The reason Ms. Friday gave for every single one of the bizarre fantasies in her book was -- traumatic toilet training. Now most people don't remember their toilet training. Yet for Friday, this is reason enough that it's such a traumatic event.

Anway, I'll stop ranting now.

Posted by: Zelda on February 21, 2005 06:50 PM

Two words that should never be associated with the word severed are Testicles and penis. No man should be able to utter anything resemblance to the coordinated use of these words

Nuff Said

Posted by: Lance on February 21, 2005 09:38 PM

Amen!

Posted by: thoughtomator on February 22, 2005 01:03 AM

Zelda,

I had a gf who had to read My Secret Garden as part of some college course about porn and sex.

I read some of it. I remember a lot of boring fantasies, and a lot of "Why would anyone want that?" fantasies.

Now, when I want to learn about bizarre sexual practices, I just watch CSI. Seems to be their stock in trade.

Posted by: ace on February 22, 2005 01:55 AM

PS,

"Mangerines" is something I've used before.

I believe in recycling.

Posted by: ace on February 22, 2005 01:56 AM

Betting the jewels on the Gints? I hope you already have all the children you want.

I will give you my nearly surefire system for betting on the Giants.

If they're favored by more than 7pts, bet the house against them, last year they were favored by 7 or more pts twice and lost both games by at least two touchdowns.

If they're getting less than three or giving pts, take them.

In between 3 and 7, bet opposite of the way I bet.

Avoiding the bets between 3 and 7, and the 1985 season, I would be a multi-millionaire if I had figured out this system before two years ago.

Posted by: Veeshir on February 24, 2005 06:18 AM

Posted by: on June 6, 2005 09:12 PM