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February 21, 2005

If the Giants Don't Go 11-5 Next Season, I'll Lop Off My Mangerines

Well, I probably won't -- they'll be lucky to go 8-8 and I sort of enjoy having testes -- but I've been inspired by the example of this clearly dedicated rugby fan:

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.
Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Next time, dude, considering ponying up the eight bucks for a nice big foam finger. A foam finger says "We're Number One."

Self-severed testicles just say "Mama didn't hug me enough."

Mike sent the tip, along with his own funny take on it... which, believe it or not, is just too graphic even for this site.

posted by Ace at 12:41 AM

Comments

I bet he doesn't have the balls to do that again.

Posted by: Hondo on February 21, 2005 03:24 AM

Well, look on the bright side. He removed himself from the gene pool, didn't he?

Still, that's gotta sting.

Posted by: Giacomo on February 21, 2005 05:49 AM

Go GIANTS! I'm a season ticket holder and the last two seasons have hurt!

Posted by: Winston on February 21, 2005 09:26 AM

Ouch !!!!!

Posted by: River Rat on February 21, 2005 09:46 AM

Now that's bad luck.

Your team wins for the first time in God-knows-when and it just happens to be the one time that you promise to lop your balls off if they do.

Posted by: Kazmin on February 21, 2005 12:18 PM

Mangerines, that's great!

Posted by: 72VIRGINS on February 21, 2005 12:40 PM

Mangerines rocks (I know, bad pun alert, but couldn't resist). I rather like "crown jewels," also.

But mangerines beats (sorry, another bad pun) rocks or crown jewels, hands-down (sorry, another reference).

You can't comment on this story without making dirty double references (or even triple references).

It's just too funny/disgusting/sad.

KCTrio

Posted by: KCTrio on February 21, 2005 12:51 PM

The Giants? Lordy, bet the jewels on someone else, Ace, or demand a better record before the self-surgery kicks in!

Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin on February 21, 2005 02:27 PM

And thus the majestic process of natural selection continues to improve the breed...

"Mangerines." Damn, Ace. I could stare at my crotch for the next decade and not come up with anything that clever.

Posted by: utron on February 21, 2005 03:34 PM

I find this very hard to believe. Surely cutting off one's own testicles would be an exceedingly difficult and painful thing to do. But if true, as utron said: "the majestic process of natural selection continues to improve the breed..."

Posted by: skeptic on February 21, 2005 04:31 PM

This clown just demonstrated he doesn't deserve 'em. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Posted by: a on February 21, 2005 04:32 PM

Now this guy had balls!

Posted by: a+ on February 21, 2005 04:43 PM

I'll bet his friends were really impressed, so why stop there?

Posted by: Too Many Daves on February 21, 2005 04:45 PM

Yo ACE! I have a really good meat clever you can use if you promise to wash it off afterward. It'd be a lot better than a knife cause you could do it with one swipe instead of all that sawing.

Posted by: GOING TO ZEUS on February 21, 2005 05:46 PM

Ace, this reminds me of the book "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday, which I read a long long time ago. The book was a collection of men's sexual fantasies. Anyway, this one man wrote in that he fanatized of his wife getting it on with the UPS guy. In the fantasy, the husband catches the wife and UPS guy in the act. Then the UPS guy castrates the husband, and promptly proceeds to have sex with the wife, right in before the husband's eyes. Yet still, the husband manages to get very aroused watching the two of them going at it. Now what, you might be asking at this point, would be the cause of such a bizarre fantasy? The reason Ms. Friday gave for every single one of the bizarre fantasies in her book was -- traumatic toilet training. Now most people don't remember their toilet training. Yet for Friday, this is reason enough that it's such a traumatic event.

Anway, I'll stop ranting now.

Posted by: Zelda on February 21, 2005 06:50 PM

Two words that should never be associated with the word severed are Testicles and penis. No man should be able to utter anything resemblance to the coordinated use of these words

Nuff Said

Posted by: Lance on February 21, 2005 09:38 PM

Amen!

Posted by: thoughtomator on February 22, 2005 01:03 AM

Zelda,

I had a gf who had to read My Secret Garden as part of some college course about porn and sex.

I read some of it. I remember a lot of boring fantasies, and a lot of "Why would anyone want that?" fantasies.

Now, when I want to learn about bizarre sexual practices, I just watch CSI. Seems to be their stock in trade.

Posted by: ace on February 22, 2005 01:55 AM

PS,

"Mangerines" is something I've used before.

I believe in recycling.

Posted by: ace on February 22, 2005 01:56 AM

Betting the jewels on the Gints? I hope you already have all the children you want.

I will give you my nearly surefire system for betting on the Giants.

If they're favored by more than 7pts, bet the house against them, last year they were favored by 7 or more pts twice and lost both games by at least two touchdowns.

If they're getting less than three or giving pts, take them.

In between 3 and 7, bet opposite of the way I bet.

Avoiding the bets between 3 and 7, and the 1985 season, I would be a multi-millionaire if I had figured out this system before two years ago.

Posted by: Veeshir on February 24, 2005 06:18 AM

Posted by: on June 6, 2005 09:12 PM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
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Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
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TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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