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January 08, 2005
Son of Nixon Despondent Over Aniston-Pitt SplitWell, he's all broken up about it. Me? I'm ecstatic. He's finally back on the market! Update: Did I say "he"? I meant "she." Of course I meant "she." Sure, Brad Pitt can just turn me into jelly with his witheringly blue eyes and his pecs sculpted by Rodan,* but Jennifer Anniston has... Well, you know, whatever it is women have that makes them so, um, "hot." You know-- she's good a very keen eye for kitschy-cute handbags. * You may think I mean the celebrated French neoclassical artist, but in fact I mean the giant Japanese bat-monster. He's a real talent, and has been featured prominently in several of Yoko Ono's highly-publicized but under-attended "installations." posted by Ace at 02:29 PM
CommentsJennifer Anniston has... well, you know The most prominent chin this side of Jay Leno? Posted by: Allah on January 8, 2005 03:31 PM
I don't care about Anniston. All I know is Ben Affleck better get away from Jennifer Garner. Posted by: SGT Dan on January 8, 2005 04:19 PM
Update: Did I say "he"? I meant "she." Of course I meant "she." Jerry Falwell hates you. And Rodan. (what, you didn't know he was gay?) Posted by: Bill from INDC on January 8, 2005 04:27 PM
I now know who "Ace" is!!!!!! Only one man could have written that update. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the real "Ace"....Simon Crowell. Posted by: senator philabuster on January 8, 2005 04:35 PM
I wouldn't mind some sloppy seconds with Jen, but then I heard that Brad ended the marriage with a Cleveland Steamer. By the way, the sculptor is 'Rodin.' The Tokyo-Crusher is 'Rodan.' Posted by: iowahawk on January 8, 2005 04:51 PM
Jennifer Aniston on the market but Heidi Klum taken off the market by Seal. A poor tradeoff. Posted by: Max Power on January 8, 2005 04:59 PM
With that chin, she looks more like Mothra than Rodan. Posted by: Old Coot on January 8, 2005 06:28 PM
Heh Posted by: Iblis on January 8, 2005 10:03 PM
First of all, Hawk, I heard it was an Upper-Decker. Secondly, stop, you guys are killing me. As if you wouldn't all immediately drop to your knees in front of Jennifer Aniston. And don't try to claim after the fact that you were being ironic. :) Posted by: CraigC on January 9, 2005 09:28 PM
My evil plan is coming to fruition! I move one step closer to being the guy nailing Jennifer Anniston. Just a half billion or so more to go. Posted by: blaster on January 10, 2005 06:00 AM
Actually, latest media reports indicate Pitt chili dogged her after she poorly performed a rusty trombone maneuver. This will be listed on the divorce documents as "irreconcialble differences" Posted by: on January 10, 2005 11:12 AM
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| The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines
Some people liked Candace Owens because she was a black woman who told hard truths about BLM and black criminality. But this was always a grift. She started out as a race hustler for a grift, then hustled race the other way to grift conservatives, and now she's back to being a race-hustler for the left again. Specifically, she is now claiming that people pointing out that she is legitimately low-IQ and can't pronounce half the words her AI-generated teleprompter script points out to her is racist and just Ben Shapiro's way of saying the n-word without quite saying it. You see, you can only say that black people are smart, and if you see a dumb one that doesn't know how to pronounce simple words while she poses as an investigatory journalist, you have to pretend she's actually smart or you're a racist. Weird, that doesn't sound very conservative, let alone "#Based," to me. To prove how much she hates racism, she then says that Ben Shapiro's Jew ancestors were masters of the slave trade.
The Oscars: A celebration of thanking. Dave Barry nails it! [CBD]
Ami Kozak: Every single Tucker Carlson episode consists of him claiming he didn't say the things he said in the last episode
Also: this is the manipulation Tucker does that i hate the most. It's so cowardly. All he does is smear people (and Jews, generally), and then claim "I have nothing against [the person or group I just smeared.]" He'll even claim "I love [x], actually." Just again and again and again. It's all a lie, of course. A year ago he smeared Jews but added how beautiful he thought Israel was, and then two weeks ago, he said Israel is ugly as dog-shit and nothing beautiful has been built there "since 1948." Just got this email from Dracula: "I love Van Helsing, actually, he's one of my personal heroes, if I'm being honest. I will claw the heart out of his belly and bathe in his blood before the children of Babylon, but I have nothing but respect for Van Helsing, actually. Love is the answer. Except for the followers of the Christ whom I am commanded to turn into my dark army of Satan. And I totally don't worship Satan, I just think we should listen to both sides. Hugs and kisses, may Van Helsing burn in the blood-red fires of hell throughout eternity, even though I consider him a close and dear friend, Vlad called Dracul."
New CPAC Treasured Guest Speaker drops
He was hard to book, given all of his current commitments, but CPAC landed the man of the hour!
Ana Navarro, on Abby Phillip's show: the terrorists attempted an attack on the Muslim Zohran Mamdani
The usually-reliable Batya-Ungar Sargon is claiming this was an innocent mistake by Abby Phillip but Phillip did not correct Navarro when she lied about the target of the attack. Recent Comments
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Biden's Dog sniffs a whole lotta malarkey, : "Have to decide if I am up or not Posted by: Ski ..." Skip: "Have to decide if I am up or not ..." Berserker-Dragonheads Division : "I can finally relax. Time for a nightcap. ..." Quartermaster: "Talarico is claiming to be something he is not. He ..." Alteria Pilgram - My President has convictions.: "The NORKs are still flying Il-28 Beagles. Posted ..." Biden's Dog sniffs a whole lotta malarkey, : "Even though you didn't listen our the Horde's advi ..." JQ: "'Night, guys. Place is all cleaned up. Last call! ..." Biden's Dog sniffs a whole lotta malarkey, : "Fcc chair and trump toady brendon carr says he wil ..." Biden's Dog sniffs a whole lotta malarkey, : "Posted by: raimondo at March 15, 2026 02:55 AM (o5 ..." Dr. Fausti - I WAS The Science: "Thin Lizzy actually has a song called "The Emerald ..." JQ: "Rainmandodo! So, you're saying that the demoncr ..." Bloggers in Arms
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Thanksgivingmanship: How to Deal With Your Spoiled Stupid Leftist Adultbrat Relatives Who Have Spent Three Months Reading Slate and Vox Learning How to Deal With You You're Fired! Donald Trump Grills the 2004 Democrat Candidates and Operatives on Their Election Loss Bizarrely I had a perfect Donald Trump voice going in 2004 and then literally never used it again, even when he was running for president. A Eulogy In Advance for Former Lincoln Project Associate and Noted Twitter Pestilence Tom Nichols Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: If You Touch My Sandwich One More Time, I Will Fvcking Kill You Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: I Must Eat Jim Acosta Special Guest Blogger Tom Friedman: We Need to Talk About What My Egyptian Cab Driver Told Me About Globalization Shortly Before He Began to Murder Me Special Guest Blogger Bernard Henri-Levy: I rise in defense of my very good friend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Note: Later events actually proved Dominique Strauss-Kahn completely innocent. The piece is still funny though -- if you pretend, for five minutes, that he was guilty. The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility The Dowd-O-Matic! The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) Archives
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