Ace of Spades HQ

« Updating the Blogroll... | Main | Stingy? Germany Coughs Up $1 Million »

December 29, 2004

Six Words I Really Never Thought I'd Write: Charles Schumer Is On Fuckin' Fire

Updated! Now With Obligatory Top Ten! (scroll down)

Now, don't get me wrong. I still think he's an unethical prick.

But give the man his due:

"Are you reconsidering your position on the war in Iraq now that the justifications presented by the Bush administration have all proved to be false?" [a left-wing professor named Alan Singer] complained.
When Schumer replied by asking how he would handle Iraq differently, Singer responded: "The Bush administration policies have destabilized that entire region of the world. I would work with European allies to find a way to leave immediately."

At that, Singer recalled, Schumer called him "a fool," before declaring that if the U.S. withdrew from Iraq it would be subject to a terrorist attack worse than 9/11 during the next three years.

Heh. Remember the media's outrage over Cheney's suggestion that, were Kerry to be elected and a terrorist strike should happen (not would happen, btw), the danger would be we'd slip back into a September 10th response?

Don't expect to hear similar gnashing of teeth over Schumer's claim that withdrawing from Iraq, as many liberals and Democrats advocate, would result in an attack worse than 9-11.

But he got in a good parting shot, too:

"I know people like you," Schumer shot back, saying that Singer and his ilk were responsible for the destruction of the Democrat Party.
"With your ideas you should not be allowed to be a teacher," the agitated Democrat added. "I know your type."

Is Schumer suggesting that we ought to "chill" this man's right to free expression-- and employment? Hey, I'm not saying I necessarily agree; I'm just looking for clarification.

And a stern scolding from the liberal media.

Think I'll get it?

Top Ten Signs That Charles Schumer -- Yes, Charles Schumer -- Is On Fuckin' Fire

10. Recently scandalized Maureen Dowd by confessing he rarely watched Sex & the City, and furthermore considered every character except Kristin Davis a "dirty, filthy whore"

9. Just introduced legislation to make January 12th a paid federal holiday called "National MILF Appreciation Day"

8. Apologized for a previous visit to Paris, explaining he only went there to "beat up hookers and steal their trick-money" and "defecate freely in the streets"

7. Old Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish
New Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish who just might know Jeet Kune Do, "The Way of the Intercepting Fist"

6. Keeps stealing Byron Dorgan's lunch money and "pantsing" Gerry Nadler

5. Never goes anywhere without his "bible," a pocket-sized copy of the inspirational words of R. Lee "Full Metal Jacket" Ermey, titled Get the Fuck Off My Obstacle You Disgusting Fatbody

4. His new chief of staff? Vinny Fuckin' Falcone

3. Keeps making prank calls ordering dozens of pizzas to Michael Moore's Upper West Side penthouse; oddly enough, Moore hasn't yet complained about this

2. Has taken to attending DC cocktail parties dressed as "The Humungous" from The Road Warrior

...and the Number One Sign that Charles Schumer Is On Fuckin' Fire...

1. Recently spotted at a Georgetown dive chugging beer and going shot-for-shot with Bob Dole's cock

posted by Ace at 07:07 PM

Comments

I'm extremely surprised.

I really didn't think Schumer could be outflanked on the left. And I wouldn't have guessed that he would be so responsible on Iraq.

Posted by: austin mls on December 29, 2004 06:17 PM

The implosion, er, introspection, has begun.

Posted by: TallDave on December 29, 2004 06:26 PM

Number 9 may refer to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which for some reason is a popular case study among boys in my terrorism classes.

Posted by: Leopold Stotch on December 29, 2004 07:29 PM

Leopold,

Ummm... no, it stands for something else.

Posted by: ace on December 29, 2004 07:30 PM

Did I wake up on the right fucking planet?

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on December 29, 2004 07:30 PM

Bob Dole replied

"ea-sy boy"

Posted by: Dave in Texas on December 29, 2004 08:25 PM

Ace,
To believe it or not I am one of Alan's graduate students. (Yes we all have our crosses to bare.) Actually i just sold back a text book which I should have sent to you. This book would have supplied you with a year's worth of blog material.
I orginally received this info via email about the Schumer exchange. There may be more or less to this story than the rantings of one extremist professor. I am hoping to receive some sort of independent verfication before believing it outright. However, Singer can be very aggressive.
Singer could have ignited the inner "Humungous" in Schumer.

Posted by: on December 29, 2004 08:46 PM

Let's see now...

Full Metal Jacket? Check.

The Ayatollah of Rock an' Rollah, Humungous? Check.

Gratuitous swipe at Michael Moore? Check.

Vinny Falcone? Check.

Finished off with a guest appearance by Bob Dole's trouser snake, I think you managed to cover all the Top Ten bases. Excellent work.

Posted by: Alex on December 29, 2004 09:52 PM

Ace,

LOL!

"Recently spotted at a Georgetown dive chugging beer and going shot-for-shot with Bob Dole's cock."

I think that is the funniest thing you have ever posted.

"...like a hammer."

Posted by: MeTooThen on December 29, 2004 11:23 PM

Bob Dole's cock loves Chuckie Schumer. But not in a gay way, never in a gay way........

Posted by: midaz on December 29, 2004 11:27 PM

...like a fucking Viking!

Rarrrr!

(Cue Immigrant Song here)

Posted by: Mr. Bowen on December 30, 2004 12:59 AM

Jesus Christ, Ace, will you leave Bob Dole's cock out of this? It has a hard enough time on its own. Heh.

Posted by: CraigC on December 30, 2004 04:01 AM

"National MILF Appreciation Day?" Make that a paid federal holiday, Ace, and Bob Dole's cock is all over that.

Posted by: Christopher on December 30, 2004 08:52 AM

This thread is SO wrong! :)

Posted by: NickS on December 30, 2004 10:45 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk birthright citizenship, the 14th Amendment and SCOTUS, no boots in Iran, Artemis II and refocusing NASA, the NBA's hatred of everything non-woke, and more!

In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.

In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.

Artemis moon shot a go, scheduled for 6:24 Eastern time tonight
Great marketing arranged by Amazon to promote Project Hail Mary. Okay not really but it does work out that way.

TJM talks John Boorman, director of Excalibur

Good rickroll

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

Finish the job, Mr. President!
Melanie Phillips lays out the case for the total destruction of the Iranian government and armed forces. [CBD]

TJM acts like he knows anything about John Wick and screenwriting. It's embarrassing, really.

Podcast: Sefton and CBD talk about how would a peace treaty with Iran work, Democrats defending murderers and rapists, The GOP vs. Dem bench for 2028, composting bodies? And more!

Oh, I forgot to mention this quote from Pete Hegseth, reported by Roger Kimball: "We are sharing the ocean with the Iranian Navy. We're giving them the bottom half."

Batman fires The Batman
Batman is disgusted by the Joachim Phoenix version of Joker
Batman tries to fire Superman
Batman is still workshopping his Bat-Voice

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Red Leather Suit and Sweatband Edition
And I was here to please
I'm even on knees
Makin' love to whoever I please
I gotta do it my way
Or no way at all

Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
The only bad part of the trilogy are the Frodo/Sam chapters in The Two Towers. They're repetitive, slow, and mostly about the weather and terrain. But most everything else is good. Weirdly, the Frodo-Sam chapters in Return of the King are exciting and action-packed and among the best in the trilogy. (Though the chapters with everyone else in Return of the King get pretty slow again. Mostly people talking about marching towards war, and then marching towards war.)

Sec. Army recognizes ODU Army ROTC cadets for their bravery and sacrifice in private ceremony
[Hat Tip: Diogenes] [CBD]

TJM gives you a brief tour of his movie collection.

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
One day I'm gonna write a poem in a letter
One day I'm gonna get that faculty together
Remember that everybody has to wait in line
Oh, [Song Title], look out world, oh, you know I've got mine

US decimation of Iran's ICBM forces is due to Space Force's instant detection of launches -- and the launchers' hiding places -- and rapid counter-attack via missiles
AI is doing a lot of the work in analyzing images to find the exact hiding place of the launchers. Counter-strikes are now coming in four hours after a launch, whereas previously it might have taken days for humans to go over the imagery and data.

Robert Mueller, Former Special Counsel Who Probed Trump, Dies

“robert mueller just died,” trump wrote in a truth social post on march 21. “good, i’m glad he’s dead. he can no longer hurt innocent people! president donald j. trump.”