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« Why I Just Don't Get "Fashion" | Main | Absolute, Non-Ironic Shock: Jon-Benet Ramsey's Parents No Longer Supsects »
December 17, 2004

I Love The Posts I Wrote Three Days Ago!

Here's another thing I don't get:

You know the gagillion shows now running on E! and VH-1 where they show something from pop culture and then some nitwit comments on it?

Few questions:

1) Who the fuck are these people? I swear to God, some of these people are even more nobodies than I am.

First of all, half of them seem to be from some magazine called "Blender" which I never fucking heard of. I don't know what "Blender" is; I imagine it's some sort of gay soft-core stroke-mag showing naked college boys seductively using kitchen appliances.

Are half of them from Blender, or is it the same unfunny chick with the Lisa Loeb "You Say" smartie-glasses over and over and over again?

She's so fucking non-memorable in terms of looks and wit I have no idea if it's the same girl or there's like a whole Terminator production line of useless marginally-attractive unfunny "No, no, negative" bore-clones.

2) Why are none of them funny? And why do the unfunniest ones have the job description "comedian" listed under their stupid fucking faces? Instead of saying they're "comedians," I think a Chyron should just run under their yammering idiot-mouths saying "Don't worry; I don't know who the fuck I am either."

3) Who, precisely, decided to give "Ant" from Last Comic Standing a career, and isn't this a violation of some provision of the Patriot Act? It certainly can't be good for troop morale, and undoubtedly it provides "material comfort" to our terrorist enemies.

4) Why is the lead singer from Skid Row on every fucking one of these shows? Does his agent specialize in sarcastic-wisecrack pop-culture clip-shows? Can't he like, I don't know, once in a while maybe sign autographs at a KISS convention?

Look, apparently Sebastian Fucking Bach has a lot of fucking opinions about Pop Rocks and the replacement "cousins" from The Dukes of Hazzard, but why would he imagine I care to to know them?

Seriously, "Sebastian": When C.C. DeVille from Poison seems to have more shame and integrity than you do, it's time to start thinking about making some course-corrections in your life.

It just angers me.

I think I could get together with my best buddies Stubby and Stinky Pete and do a much better Remember Last Week? show than these buffoons.

Actually, I think what I'd do is a show called Remember Our Last Show?, in which each new show is actually just some clips of us making snide comments from the previous show, but then we comment upon our previous snide comments in a glib, sarcastic way. Near the end of each show we might have a segment called Remember Twenty Minutes Ago?, where we'd comment on the earlier comments in that very show.

It's all very meta and very Charlie Kauffman. I'm hoping to win a Peabody.


posted by Ace at 06:02 PM
Comments



If you're going to start discussing mathematical concepts like recursion, I'm going to go drink too much wine. That's the only time I get anywhere close to getting it.

Come to think of it, I've been in numberworld all day. I'm going to go drink too much wine anyway.

Posted by: Dianna on December 17, 2004 06:09 PM

Be careful with the wine Dianna...I would hate for you to get "wine goggles" and start putting the moves on "Virtual Ace".

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on December 17, 2004 06:10 PM

I agree with just about everything you said, but you left one thing out: Michael Ian Black (that smarmy bastard) deserves a swift kick to the balls.

Posted by: Sean M. on December 17, 2004 06:12 PM

Hey now-- Michael Ian Black is the only one who's any good at it!

Posted by: ace on December 17, 2004 06:13 PM

The gay guy with no neck is the most disturbing. The whole time he's on screen I'm fixated on the fact that his head sits directly on his shoulders.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on December 17, 2004 06:38 PM

Well, Ace, you're entitled to your opinion (especially since you're the one passing out the free ice cream) but he's just too fucking smug for my tastes. Plus, he did the voice for the pets.com puppet. Surely that warrants a kick to the 'nads.

Posted by: Sean M. on December 17, 2004 06:45 PM

That whole thing was played almost before it began.

I don't remember any intelligent banter about Pink Floyd. Hell with em.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on December 17, 2004 07:04 PM

I like Michael Ian Black. Sure, he's a smug bastard, but he's a funny smug bastard. If the whole show were just Black and Mo Rocca making evil comments about pop culture...I'm there.

Man, that's so frickin' pathetic that I just said that.

I'm going to go drink a lot of wine now.

Posted by: Slubgob on December 17, 2004 07:36 PM

Well, Dianna, you do realize how important recursion is, do you not? Without it, we could not do tree traversals! Well, we could use an iterative approach, but that's not ideal for this problem.

That ought to be worth at least a glass or two.

Posted by: Smack on December 17, 2004 08:23 PM

Man, this post is dead on. My favorite line: "It just angers me." Amen, brother. I want to put a fist right through the head of one of those smug, unfunny bastards. I mean it - literally right through someone's head.

Chyron? Who knows that lingo? Ace, are you a TV guy?

Posted by: Conspiracy of 1 on December 17, 2004 08:49 PM

I'm all up for it. Long as I have a laptop to update the fly fishing blog.

Posted by: Stinky Pete on December 17, 2004 08:49 PM

My wife and I hate those shows. We especially hate half the smug pricks in the I 'heart' the '70s shows. My wife noticed that half of them are our age (born in the 70s) and would have the same memories of the 70s we do, not much and only the stuff at the end. How can you comment on 1971 when you were 2 at the time? Pricks.

Posted by: Dale on December 18, 2004 07:58 AM

Ready up on 2....take 2. My reaction exactly, Conspiracy of 1. Ace, are you a TV guy?....ready black....black.

Posted by: CraigC on December 18, 2004 02:53 PM

FWIW, Blender isn't a half-bad music magazine. Of course, I like all the smarmy in-joke stuff, and I like the fact that Blender doesn't take itself nearly as seriously as Spin does these days.

Posted by: Kimberly on December 18, 2004 03:31 PM

Maybe if Skid Row will reunite, Sebastian will chill the fuck out.

Posted by: SGT Dan on December 18, 2004 04:26 PM

Blender is pretty much Maxim, but the scantily clad hot chicks on the cover are all "musicians".

Seriously, it is published by Felix Dennis, the guy who publishes Maxim and Stuff.

Posted by: Mad Anthony on December 19, 2004 10:45 AM

Good Point. Anyways, this was where i met her. You can join for free as well www.redtricircle.com

Posted by: click here on March 12, 2005 03:50 AM
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