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« Dow Posts Triple-Digit Gains on Economic News | Main | Vincent D'Onofrio Wins Liza Manelli Award For Emotional Stability »
November 17, 2004

Top Ten PETA Initiatives to Save the Fish

10. To appeal to Christian conservatives and "values voters," PETA will attempt to change the phrase "school of fish" to "religious school of fish"

9. Planning a major re-release of 80's trash-lit Real Men Don't Eat Sushi, with new foreward by Joan Baez and that Princeton ethicist who thinks you should have sex with a monkey

8. Pro-PETA geneticists will announce that fish share just as much common DNA with human beings as centipedes, Gila monsters, and casaba melons

7. "Sexy" beefcake spread of Michael Moore making out with a halibut, kind of like that Nastasia Kinsky poster with the snake, except with 800% more back-fat

6. Ad campaign will subvert "Chicken of the Sea" trademark by parodying it as "Holocaust in a Can"

5. 200 female PETA activists will take their clothes off in Central Park to make the subtle point that... well, who knows, really? They just sorta seem to like getting naked in the vicintiy of ginko trees

4. Will compare being hooked and pulled into a boat to the dragging death of James Byrd; magazine spots will refer to fishing poles as "Klan sticks"

3. Six words: Viggo Mortenson Whining on Charlie Rose

2. New cartoon aimed at kids features "Gill," a sweet-natured mahi-mahi who speaks with a "funny accent" and solves crimes

...and the Number One PETA Initiative to Save the Fish...

1. To counter the public's "irrational fear" of sharks, will release major advocacy documentary titled Sharks, the Deadly Silhouettes of the Deep: Why Do They Hate Us?

Credit: "Holocaust in a Can" suggested by Axolotl

Old Joke That I Love Update: Don't stop me if you've heard this one before.

A man has a pet fish that he just loves. I mean, loves it. It's the greatest fish in the world. He has to go away on business, so he asks his friend to take care of the fish. The friend agrees.

Well, unfortunately, the fish dies when the guy's away. When he gets home, his friend tells him, "I've got some bad news and some good news."

"Okay," the man says. "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that your fish died."

"That's horrible!" the man cries out. "But what's the good news?"

"The good news is-- it was just a fuckin' fish."

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.


posted by Ace at 01:08 PM
Comments



I think Chris Matthews should host the series. Cocksucker.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 17, 2004 02:37 PM

I had the wonderful experience of meeting some lovely rock throwing PETA types while flyfishing. I now know how they can consider fish to possess higher intelligence!


Posted by: Stephen on November 17, 2004 03:51 PM

Wow, my first blog mention!

If Fish is Murder (TM), does that make caviar genocide? No wonder that stuff is so expensive.

Posted by: Axolotl on November 17, 2004 04:58 PM

Yes, I would believe that 200 female PETA activists taking off their clothes would be rather 'fishy'...

Posted by: Uncle Jefe on November 17, 2004 06:36 PM

...don't forget to tip your waitress, and try the veal, it's fabulous.

Posted by: Craig on November 18, 2004 01:47 AM

Peta is a puss filled pimple on the ass of progress!

Posted by: gator60 on November 18, 2004 11:58 AM
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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove
Chris
@chriswithans

aaahahaa.jpg


"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining
"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.
Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over
"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.
(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.


Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.
Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:
spidermanthreatormenace.jpg

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"
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