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« Dow Posts Triple-Digit Gains on Economic News | Main | Vincent D'Onofrio Wins Liza Manelli Award For Emotional Stability »
November 17, 2004

Top Ten PETA Initiatives to Save the Fish

10. To appeal to Christian conservatives and "values voters," PETA will attempt to change the phrase "school of fish" to "religious school of fish"

9. Planning a major re-release of 80's trash-lit Real Men Don't Eat Sushi, with new foreward by Joan Baez and that Princeton ethicist who thinks you should have sex with a monkey

8. Pro-PETA geneticists will announce that fish share just as much common DNA with human beings as centipedes, Gila monsters, and casaba melons

7. "Sexy" beefcake spread of Michael Moore making out with a halibut, kind of like that Nastasia Kinsky poster with the snake, except with 800% more back-fat

6. Ad campaign will subvert "Chicken of the Sea" trademark by parodying it as "Holocaust in a Can"

5. 200 female PETA activists will take their clothes off in Central Park to make the subtle point that... well, who knows, really? They just sorta seem to like getting naked in the vicintiy of ginko trees

4. Will compare being hooked and pulled into a boat to the dragging death of James Byrd; magazine spots will refer to fishing poles as "Klan sticks"

3. Six words: Viggo Mortenson Whining on Charlie Rose

2. New cartoon aimed at kids features "Gill," a sweet-natured mahi-mahi who speaks with a "funny accent" and solves crimes

...and the Number One PETA Initiative to Save the Fish...

1. To counter the public's "irrational fear" of sharks, will release major advocacy documentary titled Sharks, the Deadly Silhouettes of the Deep: Why Do They Hate Us?

Credit: "Holocaust in a Can" suggested by Axolotl

Old Joke That I Love Update: Don't stop me if you've heard this one before.

A man has a pet fish that he just loves. I mean, loves it. It's the greatest fish in the world. He has to go away on business, so he asks his friend to take care of the fish. The friend agrees.

Well, unfortunately, the fish dies when the guy's away. When he gets home, his friend tells him, "I've got some bad news and some good news."

"Okay," the man says. "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that your fish died."

"That's horrible!" the man cries out. "But what's the good news?"

"The good news is-- it was just a fuckin' fish."

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.


posted by Ace at 01:08 PM
Comments



I think Chris Matthews should host the series. Cocksucker.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 17, 2004 02:37 PM

I had the wonderful experience of meeting some lovely rock throwing PETA types while flyfishing. I now know how they can consider fish to possess higher intelligence!


Posted by: Stephen on November 17, 2004 03:51 PM

Wow, my first blog mention!

If Fish is Murder (TM), does that make caviar genocide? No wonder that stuff is so expensive.

Posted by: Axolotl on November 17, 2004 04:58 PM

Yes, I would believe that 200 female PETA activists taking off their clothes would be rather 'fishy'...

Posted by: Uncle Jefe on November 17, 2004 06:36 PM

...don't forget to tip your waitress, and try the veal, it's fabulous.

Posted by: Craig on November 18, 2004 01:47 AM

Peta is a puss filled pimple on the ass of progress!

Posted by: gator60 on November 18, 2004 11:58 AM
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Politico is reporting that multiple people have abruptly resigned from Eric Swalwell's gubernatorial campaign: "Members of senior leadership have departed the campaign, including Courtni Pugh, a strategic adviser who served as Swalwell's top liaison to organized labor groups."

So the campaign is collapsing due to the truth of the sexual harassment allegations.
That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of the Swalwell campaign. UPDATE: No it wasn't, it was just Swalwell one-cheek-sneaking out a fart on camera
Eric Swalwell more like Eric Farewell amirite
thanks to weft-cut loop.
This is the dumbest AI bullslop I've seen in a while: the CIA can use "quantum magnetometry" to track an individual man's heartbeat from twelve miles away
I wouldn't click on it, it's not interesting, it's just stupid clickslop. I just want to share my annoyance with you.
Oil prices plunge on bizarre realization that Eric Swalwell may actually be straight. A rapey molester, allegedly, but a straight one.
Classic Rock Mystery Click
This is super-obscure and I only barely remember it. Given that, I'll give you the hint that it's by the Red Rocker.
And I guess you think you've got it made
Oh, but then, you never were afraid
Of anything that you've left behind
Oh, but it's alright with me now
'Cause I'll get back up somehow
And with a little luck, yes, I'm bound to win

Now twenty people will tell me it's not obscure, it was huge in their hometown and played at their prom. That's how it usually goes. When I linked Donnie Iris's "Love is Like a Rock," everyone said they knew that one and that his other song (which I didn't know at all) Ah Leah! was huge in their area.
You know we "joke" about the GOPe just "conserving" leftist things?
David French just posted:

Populists ask what conservativism has ever conserved?
Well its about to conserve birthright citizenship!
Posted by: 18-1

I couldn't hate this queen of the cuck-chair more if it paid seven figures and came with a corner office.
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk birthright citizenship, the 14th Amendment and SCOTUS, no boots in Iran, Artemis II and refocusing NASA, the NBA's hatred of everything non-woke, and more!
In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.
In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.
Artemis moon shot a go, scheduled for 6:24 Eastern time tonight
Great marketing arranged by Amazon to promote Project Hail Mary. Okay not really but it does work out that way.
What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*
Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.
A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.
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