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November 10, 2004

Best. November. Ever.

First, Bush won convincingly.

Then, Tom Daschle was booted out of Washington and back to South Dakota, where he belongs. Ummmm... okay, so he's probably just booted out of one Washington job to another. You get my point.

The liberal legacy media is thoroughly dispirited and discredited, and Dan Rather is looking at the coming report on his "mistakes" with the same spooked panic as a dog eyeing up a vacuum cleaner.

Last week, Arafat died, except he didn't quite die. Instead, he seems to be lingering in some comatose nightmare state, beset by frightening demons, kind of like Jacob's Ladder except with a happier ending.

And then we moved on Fallujah. Finally.

But now comes the cherry on the Sunday, because we seem to have confirmation that Ami the Hot Chick on Survivor: Vanatu is, yes, a full-on lesbian.

And she's pretty bossy, too.

What did I do to deserve all this? Surely the Powers That Rule Fate can't be that impressed by gonzo Republicanism, cock jokes, and Billy Squier references.

Or... can they?

You can count on Billy Squier's cock to cut your taxes.

Just Got Slightly Better Update: A Romanian judge has been booted off the bench for moonlighting in hardcore porn.

Her oevure is said to include such cinematic masterpieces as Here Comes the Judge, Hung Jury, Oral Arguments, and the legendary Penal Colony.

Thanks to GregS. I've been waiting to use those cheap jokes on this blog for a year now. Now I'm at peace. (How about Justice of the Piece? No? A little too forced? Oh, well.)

posted by Ace at 05:14 PM

Comments

How is this good news? Unless you are some kind of girl?

Look, I'm happily out of the running here, but I never considered finding out that a particularly attractive woman was lesbian to be something that would make my month.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 10, 2004 05:20 PM

Look, I'm not getting her either way.

But 1, I can console myself that I don't have what she's looking for (i.e., a vagina), and 2, it's more fun to imagine her in bed with another chick than, say, Stanley Tucci.

Posted by: ace on November 10, 2004 05:22 PM

It would be even better if the naked suntan chick was "convinceable" on the matter.

And the show was on Cinemax, late.

/juvenile fantasies

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 10, 2004 05:34 PM

Ace got it.

I don't watch, and from what I've seen, she doesn't look like the type that would pull my trigger anyway (although seeing her with another woman definitely would), but according to this site:

http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/survivor/000341.html

She also had a spread in Playboy some years back. Don't know if I believe it or not. The linked site in there is NOT work friendly.

Posted by: Frank Black on November 10, 2004 05:34 PM

It would be even better if the naked suntan chick was "convinceable" on the matter.

As Dennis Finch says, "All women are just a couple of cocktails away from some hot girl-on-girl action."

Posted by: ace on November 10, 2004 05:34 PM

Gah.

Posted by: Scout on November 10, 2004 05:35 PM

Ace--
...2, it's more fun to imagine her in bed with another chick than, say, Stanley Tucci.

Puh-leeze!

I just imagine myself in bed with her and her girlfriend.

Here's a couple of NSFW links...

http://www.realitytvpools.com/ami_cusack.php

http://www.thenewsvault.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?t=87

Posted by: scott on November 10, 2004 05:37 PM

MEN!

*shakes head*

I KNOW that if my husband hears about this Ami that he'll tune into every episode. With popcorn.

He'll also tell everyone he works with (bomber test pilot, so you can imagine the amount of testoterone in that office) and THEY'LL tune in, too.

It's a weird phenomenon I'll never really understand, because if you flip the genders around it's a turn-off for most women.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on November 10, 2004 05:43 PM

It's a weird phenomenon I'll never really understand, because if you flip the genders around it's a turn-off for most women.

Yeah, I don't understand it fully either, except that women are just hot, and both men and women agree on this.

Two guys together just seems a little, oh, what's the word? Gay or something.

Posted by: ace on November 10, 2004 05:47 PM

Ace, I believe the word is "Sullivanesque"

Posted by: Iblis on November 10, 2004 05:50 PM

Well, the female form is pleasing to the eye and has been amply documented as a natural work of art, so two of them together is good stuff.

Two guys is just...gross.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, natch.

Also, are Ami's real? 'Cause if they are, they're spectacular.

Posted by: mikeski on November 10, 2004 05:52 PM

Oh, also:

Legal Briefs.

Posted by: mikeski on November 10, 2004 05:55 PM

Also, are Ami's real? 'Cause if they are, they're spectacular.

I thought they might be when watching the show, now I'm pretty sure they're not.

They're suspicious.

Posted by: ace on November 10, 2004 05:55 PM

Lezbos are sometimes fun to watch, but give me a 100% straight chick any day. Give me a girl who melts with a "c in her m", if you get the drift. You keep all the dykes and bi's, and you keep the lube, too. The real women don't need it.

Posted by: McGurk on November 10, 2004 06:13 PM

Yes, Ami being a "sister of sappho" makes her hotter to most guys. As an added bonus, she would come in handy if you needed to drop your transmission or tap a keg.

Lesbians. Is there anything they can't do?

Posted by: Bald Eagle on November 10, 2004 06:14 PM

Ami on the other hand -- oh, Ami -- is undoubtedly confusing the tiny minds of men everywhere. "I'm attracted to her, and yet she loathes me."
===============================================

Story of my life. This season's Survivor sucks. Nobody seems to have a discrete personality aside from Rory, who is aggravating.

Posted by: Moonbat_One on November 10, 2004 06:18 PM

great find, scott. great find.

Thanks. I've been wondering for the last 6 weeks about those.

Know it is confirmed. Fake . . . but spectacular.

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 10, 2004 06:33 PM

I love this blog.

Posted by: DaveJ on November 10, 2004 06:43 PM

With much love to our female contributors and the guy writing the article:

It is irrelevant that she wouldn't spit on our dick if it was on fire. Who cares? She's eye candy, not a finacee.

The fact that she likes the bush likewise conjures up only pleasing thoughts of lipstick love, not the hairy bull-dykes that she's perhaps attracted to, nor frustration that she doesn't like men.

In short, we're not daydreaming of candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach with the sweet lass, just what she looks like nekkid.

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 10, 2004 07:29 PM

"Yeah, I don't understand it fully either, except that women are just hot, and both men and women agree on this."

Sorry, women don't do it for me, Ace. There has to be at least one guy sandwiched in there somewhere.

Am I the only one who thinks it should have been "Survivor: Amazon" THIS year?

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on November 10, 2004 07:40 PM

Sorry, women don't do it for me, Ace. There has to be at least one guy sandwiched in there somewhere.

Right... but if there WERE a guy sandwiched in there, it would be copacetic, right?

See? This is my point.

OTOH, I don't want another naked dude anywhere nearby. Even viewing a man-on-woman straight sex scene in porn, every guy has to ask himself, "Isn't this kinda gay?," just because there's that dude in the shot he's looking at.

I think that's the allure of lesbians. No hairy dude screwing everything up.

Posted by: ace on November 10, 2004 07:48 PM

Some other favorites by the Romanian Judge:
'Bang the Gavel'.
'Inside the Judge's Chambers'.
'Judicial Restraints'.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe on November 10, 2004 08:14 PM

"OTOH, I don't want another naked dude anywhere nearby. Even viewing a man-on-woman straight sex scene in porn, every guy has to ask himself, "Isn't this kinda gay?," just because there's that dude in the shot he's looking at."

Ace, as Bill Murray would say, I think we're entering into a weird area here. Let me just state for the record that, for me, the ratio of men to women needs to be at least 1:1. Wow, dirty math.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on November 10, 2004 08:39 PM

Hmmmm...I do love this blog, but the previous poster was not me.

Posted by: Dave J on November 10, 2004 09:09 PM

Hooboy, that .7 waist to hip ratio. Schwinggg. Something about those hips. Makes me feel like that line from Bowie, "This mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place." When I see that, I don't notice the rest.

But she's a fucking misandrist. I have no respect for a fucking bigot. I might fuck one, but I'd do it completely without respect. None. Maybe a little appreciation, but that's all. Okay, there might be some gruding respect--but vague nonetheless.

And the worst Survivors are the "let's girls stick together against those men" shows. I know there have been male alliances, but I don't recall that they ever came together because of gender. It was always due to attrition or in reaction to a female alliance.

I just don't like the idea of bonding out of gender. There's a reason race and gender are subject to strict and heightened scrutiny under the 14th Amendment. Such classifications are inherently creepy. "Let's girls stick together" sounds too much like "Let's [insert racial/ethnic group] stick together." It's the same damn thing.

"Ohhhh, well, but wait... if it's women who want to do that, it's okay then." Bullshit. "Let's try to defeat them because they're men" is creepy.

I'll continue watching the man hater, though. The obligatory, hardwired male fantasy commands me. "Maybe I could be the one who . . . ." Heh.

Posted by: rdbrewer on November 10, 2004 10:14 PM

on the downside, Scout is also a lesbian. ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Posted by: Kevin on November 10, 2004 10:50 PM

A bit late, but can we consider "Bone of Contention" for the Romanian judge's comeback flick?

Posted by: Christopher on November 11, 2004 09:31 AM

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What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
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Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
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Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

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Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
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