Ace of Spades HQ

« Ex-JAG Officer: Kerry Dishonorably Discharged | Main | Movement Towards Kerry: Terrible Harbinger or Weekend Polling? »

November 01, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Voter Issue Guide

FANTASY FILMS

BUSH: The Lord of the Rings, especially The Two Towers; Excalibur
KERRY: The Never-Ending Story; Fahrenheit 9-11

BASES OF SUPPORT

BUSH: blue-collar workers; the American Heartland
KERRY: nine members of Woody Allen's co-op board; the Sunni Triangle

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tugger in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

KEY MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: (from Mickey Spillaine's I, the Jury)

LOVE INTEREST, AFTER HAVING BEEN SHOT AND MORTALLY WOUNDED BY MIKE HAMMER: How... c-c-could you?
MIKE HAMMER: It was easy.

KERRY: (from The Big Chill)

GLENN CLOSE: I really want you to bang my kinda-ugly best friend and knock her up. Because, you know, we all love each other so darn much!

ARCHAIC MILDLY-BLASPHEMOUS MIDDLE-AGES OATH

BUSH: Zounds! (derived from "God's Wounds")
KERRY: 'Snards! (derived from "God's Nards")

(Look, I'm sorry about that one, for any who might be offended. But really, that's how they used to curse. Take it from someone who played D&D in middle school.)

OBLIGATORY STAR WARS ANALOGY

BUSH: Luke and/or Boba Fett
KERRY: Lando and/or Greedo (Greedo endorses offering only the "threat of force," which turns out to be not-such-a-hot idea)

"COUPLES SKATE" ROLLER/ICE RINK SELECTIONS

BUSH: Somebody, Bryan Adams; or I Know What Boys Want, the Waitresses
KERRY: Careless Whisper, Wham; or R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar "Mellencamp"

SCI-FI QUOTE REGARDING WHAT TO DO WITH DANGEROUS ALIENS

BUSH: "I say we nuke them from orbit"
KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

ICONIC HERO

BUSH: "Mad" Max Rocatansky ("Two men enter, one man leaves")
KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")

GO-TO PROP IN TRYING TO SEDUCE A WOMAN
BUSH: Cowboy boots
KERRY: Chinese Etchings

"BRAT PACK" MOVIE CHARACTERS

BUSH: Ferris Buehler; Andrew McCarthy from St. Elmo's Fire
KERRY: John "No Dad what about you?!" Bender from The Breakfast Club; James Spader from Pretty in Pink; also, curiously enough, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (he has a lot of nuance, you see)

BELOVED CHILDHOOD CARTOONS

BUSH: Ricki Tikki Tavi; A Charlie Brown Christmas
KERRY: Free to Be You and Me; The Lorax

STEVE GUTTENBERG

BUSH: Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy (you just know Bush is a fan)
KERRY: Steve Guttenberg from anything else, but especially that godawful one with Shelley Long where he has Hodgkins but poses as some sort of Australian biker "rebel"

I Just Know There's More to This Premise Update! But I'm dry. If you've got a good one, drop it in the comments, and I'll compile the best of reader-submitted comparisons later tonight.

posted by Ace at 12:58 PM

Comments

I have a Kerry Song Suggestion: Anthem or whatnot

Guyana Punch by the Judys

For John Edwards a bit of Josey Cotton: Johnny are you Queer?

being an 80s guru you should know these song, no?

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:15 PM

Judy's Guyana Punch you can hear it there if you don't recall it :)

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

I've heard of Johnny Are You Queer, but I don't know it. It think it was in Valley Girl.

I never heard of the other one, or that band.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

yeah they used alot of josey cotton stuff in Valley girl. 3 or so songs. Great soundtrack on that flick. Plimsoles and Modern English. Josey predates the movie a bit though. The Judys were/are a punk band from Texas but were very successful in that whole genre of music. Milk is another of their big songs.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:27 PM

I didn't think the Judy's made it out of Texas much.

Posted by: David [.net] on November 1, 2004 01:35 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

"Never Ending Story." Heh.

Posted by: Scout on November 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Personally, never saw it. Saw the commercials, though, and thought: "Wow. There is a movie that I am not going to see, EVER, even on basic cable."

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:19 PM

***KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")***

Nah.

Ol' Zachary was too dead-on butch for Kerry. Gave the li'l trooper a real... "funny feeling" downstairs, like, whenever he'd sit there on the living room carpet in his footie 'jamas, scarfing up a big ol' double bowl of Cocoa Krispies and goggling at LOST IN SPACE re-runs on Saturday mornings.

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:20 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Posted by: Alex on November 1, 2004 02:21 PM

Admit it Ace.

You still play Dungeons and Dragons.

Posted by: Matt on November 1, 2004 02:31 PM

Matt,

Never.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:32 PM

***Never***

Then how come your left eye does that weird, uncontrollable... *twitchy*-type thing, every time someone says "Hot Elven Chainmail Chicks In Bondage"...? :)

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:35 PM

Elton John song
Bush: Saturday Night (all right for fighting)
Kerry: The Circle Of Life - Lion King soundtrack

Late night TV sci-fi classic
Bush: Dark Star
Kerry: Silent Running

Posted by: Gordon on November 1, 2004 02:48 PM

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie--

Bush: Raw Deal

Kerry: Junior

Dungeons and Dragons character--

Bush: 20th level paladin

Kerry: 3rd level druid/7th level illusionist half elf/half human/half sprite

Favorite board games--

Bush: Risk, Monopoly

Kerry: Chutes and Ladders, Candyland

Favorite action figure--

Bush: GI Joe with groin-kick foot action

Kerry: Ken, sports fashion accessories edition

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:00 PM

A better Bush "Spinal Tap" lyric: "You're too young, and I'm too well hung."

Category: Vehicle or sexual activity
Bush: Hummer
Kerry: Nova (Spanish for he/it does not go.)

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on November 1, 2004 03:03 PM

If each were a car:

Bush: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
Kerry: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "My child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:05 PM

Ace,

It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 1, 2004 03:22 PM

Favorite military man

Bush: George Patton

Kerry: "Hawkeye" Pearce

Favorite card game

Bush: Five-card draw

Kerry: (Rich) Old Maid

Favorite father's day gift

Bush: New chainsaw

Kerry: Something soft and silky, imported, yet somehow masculine

Favorite Star Trek character

Bush: Captain Kirk

Kerry: Either Jean Luc or Number One, he can't make up his mind. Wait--maybe Data. And Councilor Troy, but not for those reasons.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:26 PM

Carbonated Beverages:
Bush: Dr. Pepper
Kerry: Mr. Pibb

Wine:
Bush: Syrah
Kerry: Piesporter

Illegal Drugs:
Bush: Bathtub meth
Kerry: Shrooms

Homestar Runner Character:
Bush: Strong Bad--mangled syntax, aggressive
Kerry: Strong Sad--lugubrious, whiny, intellectual pretensions

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:32 PM

Warner Bros. character

Bush: Yosemite Sam
Kerry: Pepe le Pew

Posted by: see-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:56 PM

Favorite Comic Book...

Bush: Batman
Kerry: Archie

Posted by: RapidTransit on November 1, 2004 04:15 PM

Hot 60s TV chick

Bush: Jeannie, Catwoman, Ginger
Kerry: That Girl, Mrs. Howell

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:32 PM

Godfather character he most identifies with
Bush: Sonny Corleone
Kerry: Kay Adams

Favorite James Bond villain
Bush: Auric Goldfinger
Kerry: Elliot Carver

Underrated American novelist
Kerry: John Barth
Bush: Zane Grey

Foreign city he'd consider visiting on a lark
Kerry: Karzok, Tibet
Bush: San Francisco

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:50 PM

Favorite Terminator

Bush: T-800 Model 101
Kerry: T-1000

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:34 PM

Reason to smile when hearing the word "Nantucket"

Bush: reminds him of dirty limerick
Kerry: wife owns Nantucket

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Favorite baseball play

Bush: grand slam
Kerry: undecided between touchdown and penalty kick

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 06:12 PM

Nicholas,

Kerry would be more for Troi's mom. You know, a rich widow.

Dale

Posted by: Dale on November 1, 2004 07:25 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Was it Pierce Brosnan in Mars Attacks?

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:38 PM

Oh yeah. Comic strip character most closely identified with:

Kerry: Billy in Family Circus running on of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B.

Bush: Steve Dallas in Bloom County.

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:43 PM

Nicholas Kronos: LMAO @ Mrs. Howell. Too true!

Pizza toppings:

Bush: Meat lovers with extra cheese.
Kerry: "white" pizza with marinated tofu and artichoke hearts.

Horror movie quote:
Bush: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and Kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
Kerry: "It's just your imagination, go back to sleep."

Footwear:

Bush: Cowboy boots. Steel toed.
Kerry: Loafers. Penniless.

Posted by: krakatoa on November 1, 2004 09:16 PM

Patton/Hawkeye is clearly the best entry, so far.

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Ace,

What the fuck was that?? I mean to say, what the fuckin' fuck WAS THAT!?!? What are you Fucked??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 1, 2004 10:31 PM

Quotes from "Mad Max"...

Bush: Step right up, chum, and watch the kid lay down a rubber road right to freedom!
Kerry: I'm scared, Fifi.

Quotes from "The Road Warrior"...

Bush: I'm the best chance you've got.
Kerry: Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

And, from Thunderdome:

Bush: I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.
Kerry: Who's the bunny?

Posted by: bbeck on November 1, 2004 10:58 PM

**It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).**

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler. If it makes you feel better, he seemed to be modled after Billy Idol...

Posted by: To Embarassed To Tell on November 1, 2004 11:04 PM

Bush's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of 180 proof Polish vodka and sings out: "Long live our brave allies".

Kerry's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of watery herbal tea and says: "Down with American imperialism."

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on November 2, 2004 12:22 AM

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler

Thanks for the correction. Of course, I deliberately got it wrong, because while I thought a Cats joke was called for, I did not want to make it at the expense of revealing any familiarity whatsoever with this lavish Broadway production.

Posted by: ace on November 2, 2004 02:54 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

TJM discusses Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Portlandia: Would you like to double down on your meal?

Important Message from Recent Convert to Christianity and Yet Super-Serious Christian Tuq'r Qarlson: Actually Muslims love Jesus, it's Trump and his neocons who hate him

Tucker Carlson Network
@TCNetwork

The people in charge [Jews, of course -- ace] don't want you to know this, but Muslims love Jesus.

Islam reveres Him as a major prophet and messenger of the Lord, believes He performed miracles, and states that He will return to Earth to defeat the Antichrist. That's why Donald Trump's painting depicting himself as the Son of God offended the president of Iran. It was an attack on his religion as well as Christianity.

Trump's trolling tweet was ill-advised, but Tucker is just lying when he claims the Christianity-hating President of Iran was "offended" by this.
He's one step away from announcing his official conversion to Islam. He literally never stops praising Islam. Well, he suddenly became Christian two years ago, there's not much stopping him from converting again.
You can track Tuq'r's official conversion to Islam with this Bingo card.

Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk Orban losing, but is it the end of Hungary? The Irish start a brawl, but is it enough, Pope Leo wades into politics, Trump calls Iran's bluff and blockades Hormuz, Artemis II! Swallwell is scum, and more!

People say that the bearded man in the video of Fartwell molesting a hooker looks like Democrat Arizona Senator Rueben Gallego, said to be Swalwell's "best friend" and known to take vacations with him.

TJM definitively ranks the films of Alfred Hitchcock

@KFILE 21m

Politico is reporting that multiple people have abruptly resigned from Eric Swalwell's gubernatorial campaign: "Members of senior leadership have departed the campaign, including Courtni Pugh, a strategic adviser who served as Swalwell's top liaison to organized labor groups."

So the campaign is collapsing due to the truth of the sexual harassment allegations.
That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of the Swalwell campaign. UPDATE: No it wasn't, it was just Swalwell one-cheek-sneaking out a fart on camera
Eric Swalwell more like Eric Farewell amirite
thanks to weft-cut loop.

This is the dumbest AI bullslop I've seen in a while: the CIA can use "quantum magnetometry" to track an individual man's heartbeat from twelve miles away
I wouldn't click on it, it's not interesting, it's just stupid clickslop. I just want to share my annoyance with you.

Oil prices plunge on bizarre realization that Eric Swalwell may actually be straight. A rapey molester, allegedly, but a straight one.

Artemis II Crew releases clearest images of the Far Side yet recorded

Classic Rock Mystery Click
This is super-obscure and I only barely remember it. Given that, I'll give you the hint that it's by the Red Rocker.
And I guess you think you've got it made
Oh, but then, you never were afraid
Of anything that you've left behind
Oh, but it's alright with me now
'Cause I'll get back up somehow
And with a little luck, yes, I'm bound to win
Now twenty people will tell me it's not obscure, it was huge in their hometown and played at their prom. That's how it usually goes. When I linked Donnie Iris's "Love is Like a Rock," everyone said they knew that one and that his other song (which I didn't know at all) Ah Leah! was huge in their area.

Sarah Longwell spotting

Tuq'r's makeover is 100!

Alfred Hitchcock learns to talk with TJM

Ryan Long goes to the No Kings rally to pick up young liberal hotties and is greatly disappointed in the quality of the mish
thanks to stevey

You know we "joke" about the GOPe just "conserving" leftist things?
David French just posted:

Populists ask what conservativism has ever conserved?
Well its about to conserve birthright citizenship!
Posted by: 18-1

I couldn't hate this queen of the cuck-chair more if it paid seven figures and came with a corner office.

TJM definitively ranks the films of John Boorman.

Kid punks CNN chump by speaking truth to retard

Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk birthright citizenship, the 14th Amendment and SCOTUS, no boots in Iran, Artemis II and refocusing NASA, the NBA's hatred of everything non-woke, and more!

In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.

In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.