Ace of Spades HQ

« Ex-JAG Officer: Kerry Dishonorably Discharged | Main | Movement Towards Kerry: Terrible Harbinger or Weekend Polling? »

November 01, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Voter Issue Guide

FANTASY FILMS

BUSH: The Lord of the Rings, especially The Two Towers; Excalibur
KERRY: The Never-Ending Story; Fahrenheit 9-11

BASES OF SUPPORT

BUSH: blue-collar workers; the American Heartland
KERRY: nine members of Woody Allen's co-op board; the Sunni Triangle

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tugger in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

KEY MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: (from Mickey Spillaine's I, the Jury)

LOVE INTEREST, AFTER HAVING BEEN SHOT AND MORTALLY WOUNDED BY MIKE HAMMER: How... c-c-could you?
MIKE HAMMER: It was easy.

KERRY: (from The Big Chill)

GLENN CLOSE: I really want you to bang my kinda-ugly best friend and knock her up. Because, you know, we all love each other so darn much!

ARCHAIC MILDLY-BLASPHEMOUS MIDDLE-AGES OATH

BUSH: Zounds! (derived from "God's Wounds")
KERRY: 'Snards! (derived from "God's Nards")

(Look, I'm sorry about that one, for any who might be offended. But really, that's how they used to curse. Take it from someone who played D&D in middle school.)

OBLIGATORY STAR WARS ANALOGY

BUSH: Luke and/or Boba Fett
KERRY: Lando and/or Greedo (Greedo endorses offering only the "threat of force," which turns out to be not-such-a-hot idea)

"COUPLES SKATE" ROLLER/ICE RINK SELECTIONS

BUSH: Somebody, Bryan Adams; or I Know What Boys Want, the Waitresses
KERRY: Careless Whisper, Wham; or R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar "Mellencamp"

SCI-FI QUOTE REGARDING WHAT TO DO WITH DANGEROUS ALIENS

BUSH: "I say we nuke them from orbit"
KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

ICONIC HERO

BUSH: "Mad" Max Rocatansky ("Two men enter, one man leaves")
KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")

GO-TO PROP IN TRYING TO SEDUCE A WOMAN
BUSH: Cowboy boots
KERRY: Chinese Etchings

"BRAT PACK" MOVIE CHARACTERS

BUSH: Ferris Buehler; Andrew McCarthy from St. Elmo's Fire
KERRY: John "No Dad what about you?!" Bender from The Breakfast Club; James Spader from Pretty in Pink; also, curiously enough, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (he has a lot of nuance, you see)

BELOVED CHILDHOOD CARTOONS

BUSH: Ricki Tikki Tavi; A Charlie Brown Christmas
KERRY: Free to Be You and Me; The Lorax

STEVE GUTTENBERG

BUSH: Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy (you just know Bush is a fan)
KERRY: Steve Guttenberg from anything else, but especially that godawful one with Shelley Long where he has Hodgkins but poses as some sort of Australian biker "rebel"

I Just Know There's More to This Premise Update! But I'm dry. If you've got a good one, drop it in the comments, and I'll compile the best of reader-submitted comparisons later tonight.

posted by Ace at 12:58 PM

Comments

I have a Kerry Song Suggestion: Anthem or whatnot

Guyana Punch by the Judys

For John Edwards a bit of Josey Cotton: Johnny are you Queer?

being an 80s guru you should know these song, no?

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:15 PM

Judy's Guyana Punch you can hear it there if you don't recall it :)

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

I've heard of Johnny Are You Queer, but I don't know it. It think it was in Valley Girl.

I never heard of the other one, or that band.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

yeah they used alot of josey cotton stuff in Valley girl. 3 or so songs. Great soundtrack on that flick. Plimsoles and Modern English. Josey predates the movie a bit though. The Judys were/are a punk band from Texas but were very successful in that whole genre of music. Milk is another of their big songs.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:27 PM

I didn't think the Judy's made it out of Texas much.

Posted by: David [.net] on November 1, 2004 01:35 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

"Never Ending Story." Heh.

Posted by: Scout on November 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Personally, never saw it. Saw the commercials, though, and thought: "Wow. There is a movie that I am not going to see, EVER, even on basic cable."

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:19 PM

***KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")***

Nah.

Ol' Zachary was too dead-on butch for Kerry. Gave the li'l trooper a real... "funny feeling" downstairs, like, whenever he'd sit there on the living room carpet in his footie 'jamas, scarfing up a big ol' double bowl of Cocoa Krispies and goggling at LOST IN SPACE re-runs on Saturday mornings.

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:20 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Posted by: Alex on November 1, 2004 02:21 PM

Admit it Ace.

You still play Dungeons and Dragons.

Posted by: Matt on November 1, 2004 02:31 PM

Matt,

Never.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:32 PM

***Never***

Then how come your left eye does that weird, uncontrollable... *twitchy*-type thing, every time someone says "Hot Elven Chainmail Chicks In Bondage"...? :)

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:35 PM

Elton John song
Bush: Saturday Night (all right for fighting)
Kerry: The Circle Of Life - Lion King soundtrack

Late night TV sci-fi classic
Bush: Dark Star
Kerry: Silent Running

Posted by: Gordon on November 1, 2004 02:48 PM

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie--

Bush: Raw Deal

Kerry: Junior

Dungeons and Dragons character--

Bush: 20th level paladin

Kerry: 3rd level druid/7th level illusionist half elf/half human/half sprite

Favorite board games--

Bush: Risk, Monopoly

Kerry: Chutes and Ladders, Candyland

Favorite action figure--

Bush: GI Joe with groin-kick foot action

Kerry: Ken, sports fashion accessories edition

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:00 PM

A better Bush "Spinal Tap" lyric: "You're too young, and I'm too well hung."

Category: Vehicle or sexual activity
Bush: Hummer
Kerry: Nova (Spanish for he/it does not go.)

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on November 1, 2004 03:03 PM

If each were a car:

Bush: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
Kerry: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "My child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:05 PM

Ace,

It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 1, 2004 03:22 PM

Favorite military man

Bush: George Patton

Kerry: "Hawkeye" Pearce

Favorite card game

Bush: Five-card draw

Kerry: (Rich) Old Maid

Favorite father's day gift

Bush: New chainsaw

Kerry: Something soft and silky, imported, yet somehow masculine

Favorite Star Trek character

Bush: Captain Kirk

Kerry: Either Jean Luc or Number One, he can't make up his mind. Wait--maybe Data. And Councilor Troy, but not for those reasons.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:26 PM

Carbonated Beverages:
Bush: Dr. Pepper
Kerry: Mr. Pibb

Wine:
Bush: Syrah
Kerry: Piesporter

Illegal Drugs:
Bush: Bathtub meth
Kerry: Shrooms

Homestar Runner Character:
Bush: Strong Bad--mangled syntax, aggressive
Kerry: Strong Sad--lugubrious, whiny, intellectual pretensions

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:32 PM

Warner Bros. character

Bush: Yosemite Sam
Kerry: Pepe le Pew

Posted by: see-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:56 PM

Favorite Comic Book...

Bush: Batman
Kerry: Archie

Posted by: RapidTransit on November 1, 2004 04:15 PM

Hot 60s TV chick

Bush: Jeannie, Catwoman, Ginger
Kerry: That Girl, Mrs. Howell

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:32 PM

Godfather character he most identifies with
Bush: Sonny Corleone
Kerry: Kay Adams

Favorite James Bond villain
Bush: Auric Goldfinger
Kerry: Elliot Carver

Underrated American novelist
Kerry: John Barth
Bush: Zane Grey

Foreign city he'd consider visiting on a lark
Kerry: Karzok, Tibet
Bush: San Francisco

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:50 PM

Favorite Terminator

Bush: T-800 Model 101
Kerry: T-1000

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:34 PM

Reason to smile when hearing the word "Nantucket"

Bush: reminds him of dirty limerick
Kerry: wife owns Nantucket

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Favorite baseball play

Bush: grand slam
Kerry: undecided between touchdown and penalty kick

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 06:12 PM

Nicholas,

Kerry would be more for Troi's mom. You know, a rich widow.

Dale

Posted by: Dale on November 1, 2004 07:25 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Was it Pierce Brosnan in Mars Attacks?

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:38 PM

Oh yeah. Comic strip character most closely identified with:

Kerry: Billy in Family Circus running on of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B.

Bush: Steve Dallas in Bloom County.

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:43 PM

Nicholas Kronos: LMAO @ Mrs. Howell. Too true!

Pizza toppings:

Bush: Meat lovers with extra cheese.
Kerry: "white" pizza with marinated tofu and artichoke hearts.

Horror movie quote:
Bush: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and Kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
Kerry: "It's just your imagination, go back to sleep."

Footwear:

Bush: Cowboy boots. Steel toed.
Kerry: Loafers. Penniless.

Posted by: krakatoa on November 1, 2004 09:16 PM

Patton/Hawkeye is clearly the best entry, so far.

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Ace,

What the fuck was that?? I mean to say, what the fuckin' fuck WAS THAT!?!? What are you Fucked??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 1, 2004 10:31 PM

Quotes from "Mad Max"...

Bush: Step right up, chum, and watch the kid lay down a rubber road right to freedom!
Kerry: I'm scared, Fifi.

Quotes from "The Road Warrior"...

Bush: I'm the best chance you've got.
Kerry: Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

And, from Thunderdome:

Bush: I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.
Kerry: Who's the bunny?

Posted by: bbeck on November 1, 2004 10:58 PM

**It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).**

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler. If it makes you feel better, he seemed to be modled after Billy Idol...

Posted by: To Embarassed To Tell on November 1, 2004 11:04 PM

Bush's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of 180 proof Polish vodka and sings out: "Long live our brave allies".

Kerry's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of watery herbal tea and says: "Down with American imperialism."

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on November 2, 2004 12:22 AM

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler

Thanks for the correction. Of course, I deliberately got it wrong, because while I thought a Cats joke was called for, I did not want to make it at the expense of revealing any familiarity whatsoever with this lavish Broadway production.

Posted by: ace on November 2, 2004 02:54 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

Finish the job, Mr. President!
Melanie Phillips lays out the case for the total destruction of the Iranian government and armed forces. [CBD]

TJM acts like he knows anything about John Wick and screenwriting. It's embarrassing, really.

Podcast: Sefton and CBD talk about how would a peace treaty with Iran work, Democrats defending murderers and rapists, The GOP vs. Dem bench for 2028, composting bodies? And more!

Oh, I forgot to mention this quote from Pete Hegseth, reported by Roger Kimball: "We are sharing the ocean with the Iranian Navy. We're giving them the bottom half."

Batman fires The Batman
Batman is disgusted by the Joachim Phoenix version of Joker
Batman tries to fire Superman
Batman is still workshopping his Bat-Voice

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Red Leather Suit and Sweatband Edition
And I was here to please
I'm even on knees
Makin' love to whoever I please
I gotta do it my way
Or no way at all

Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
The only bad part of the trilogy are the Frodo/Sam chapters in The Two Towers. They're repetitive, slow, and mostly about the weather and terrain. But most everything else is good. Weirdly, the Frodo-Sam chapters in Return of the King are exciting and action-packed and among the best in the trilogy. (Though the chapters with everyone else in Return of the King get pretty slow again. Mostly people talking about marching towards war, and then marching towards war.)

Sec. Army recognizes ODU Army ROTC cadets for their bravery and sacrifice in private ceremony
[Hat Tip: Diogenes] [CBD]

TJM gives you a brief tour of his movie collection.

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
One day I'm gonna write a poem in a letter
One day I'm gonna get that faculty together
Remember that everybody has to wait in line
Oh, [Song Title], look out world, oh, you know I've got mine

US decimation of Iran's ICBM forces is due to Space Force's instant detection of launches -- and the launchers' hiding places -- and rapid counter-attack via missiles
AI is doing a lot of the work in analyzing images to find the exact hiding place of the launchers. Counter-strikes are now coming in four hours after a launch, whereas previously it might have taken days for humans to go over the imagery and data.

Robert Mueller, Former Special Counsel Who Probed Trump, Dies

“robert mueller just died,” trump wrote in a truth social post on march 21. “good, i’m glad he’s dead. he can no longer hurt innocent people! president donald j. trump.”

TJM has thoughts on Superheros and Iconography

Canadian School Designates Cafeteria And Lunchroom As "No Food Zones" For Ramadan
Canada and the UK are neck and neck in the race to become the first western country to fall to Islam [CBD]

Chuck Norris, Action Icon and 'Walker Texas Ranger' Star, Dies at 86

Podcast: Sefton and CBD have a short chat about Iran, the disgusting SAVE Act theater, Mamdani's politicizing of St. Patrick's Day, and more!

Official confirmation from the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the Warthog is now strafing Iranian fast attack boats