Ace of Spades HQ

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November 01, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Voter Issue Guide

FANTASY FILMS

BUSH: The Lord of the Rings, especially The Two Towers; Excalibur
KERRY: The Never-Ending Story; Fahrenheit 9-11

BASES OF SUPPORT

BUSH: blue-collar workers; the American Heartland
KERRY: nine members of Woody Allen's co-op board; the Sunni Triangle

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tugger in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

KEY MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: (from Mickey Spillaine's I, the Jury)

LOVE INTEREST, AFTER HAVING BEEN SHOT AND MORTALLY WOUNDED BY MIKE HAMMER: How... c-c-could you?
MIKE HAMMER: It was easy.

KERRY: (from The Big Chill)

GLENN CLOSE: I really want you to bang my kinda-ugly best friend and knock her up. Because, you know, we all love each other so darn much!

ARCHAIC MILDLY-BLASPHEMOUS MIDDLE-AGES OATH

BUSH: Zounds! (derived from "God's Wounds")
KERRY: 'Snards! (derived from "God's Nards")

(Look, I'm sorry about that one, for any who might be offended. But really, that's how they used to curse. Take it from someone who played D&D in middle school.)

OBLIGATORY STAR WARS ANALOGY

BUSH: Luke and/or Boba Fett
KERRY: Lando and/or Greedo (Greedo endorses offering only the "threat of force," which turns out to be not-such-a-hot idea)

"COUPLES SKATE" ROLLER/ICE RINK SELECTIONS

BUSH: Somebody, Bryan Adams; or I Know What Boys Want, the Waitresses
KERRY: Careless Whisper, Wham; or R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar "Mellencamp"

SCI-FI QUOTE REGARDING WHAT TO DO WITH DANGEROUS ALIENS

BUSH: "I say we nuke them from orbit"
KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

ICONIC HERO

BUSH: "Mad" Max Rocatansky ("Two men enter, one man leaves")
KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")

GO-TO PROP IN TRYING TO SEDUCE A WOMAN
BUSH: Cowboy boots
KERRY: Chinese Etchings

"BRAT PACK" MOVIE CHARACTERS

BUSH: Ferris Buehler; Andrew McCarthy from St. Elmo's Fire
KERRY: John "No Dad what about you?!" Bender from The Breakfast Club; James Spader from Pretty in Pink; also, curiously enough, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (he has a lot of nuance, you see)

BELOVED CHILDHOOD CARTOONS

BUSH: Ricki Tikki Tavi; A Charlie Brown Christmas
KERRY: Free to Be You and Me; The Lorax

STEVE GUTTENBERG

BUSH: Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy (you just know Bush is a fan)
KERRY: Steve Guttenberg from anything else, but especially that godawful one with Shelley Long where he has Hodgkins but poses as some sort of Australian biker "rebel"

I Just Know There's More to This Premise Update! But I'm dry. If you've got a good one, drop it in the comments, and I'll compile the best of reader-submitted comparisons later tonight.

posted by Ace at 12:58 PM

Comments

I have a Kerry Song Suggestion: Anthem or whatnot

Guyana Punch by the Judys

For John Edwards a bit of Josey Cotton: Johnny are you Queer?

being an 80s guru you should know these song, no?

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:15 PM

Judy's Guyana Punch you can hear it there if you don't recall it :)

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

I've heard of Johnny Are You Queer, but I don't know it. It think it was in Valley Girl.

I never heard of the other one, or that band.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

yeah they used alot of josey cotton stuff in Valley girl. 3 or so songs. Great soundtrack on that flick. Plimsoles and Modern English. Josey predates the movie a bit though. The Judys were/are a punk band from Texas but were very successful in that whole genre of music. Milk is another of their big songs.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:27 PM

I didn't think the Judy's made it out of Texas much.

Posted by: David [.net] on November 1, 2004 01:35 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

"Never Ending Story." Heh.

Posted by: Scout on November 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Personally, never saw it. Saw the commercials, though, and thought: "Wow. There is a movie that I am not going to see, EVER, even on basic cable."

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:19 PM

***KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")***

Nah.

Ol' Zachary was too dead-on butch for Kerry. Gave the li'l trooper a real... "funny feeling" downstairs, like, whenever he'd sit there on the living room carpet in his footie 'jamas, scarfing up a big ol' double bowl of Cocoa Krispies and goggling at LOST IN SPACE re-runs on Saturday mornings.

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:20 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Posted by: Alex on November 1, 2004 02:21 PM

Admit it Ace.

You still play Dungeons and Dragons.

Posted by: Matt on November 1, 2004 02:31 PM

Matt,

Never.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:32 PM

***Never***

Then how come your left eye does that weird, uncontrollable... *twitchy*-type thing, every time someone says "Hot Elven Chainmail Chicks In Bondage"...? :)

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:35 PM

Elton John song
Bush: Saturday Night (all right for fighting)
Kerry: The Circle Of Life - Lion King soundtrack

Late night TV sci-fi classic
Bush: Dark Star
Kerry: Silent Running

Posted by: Gordon on November 1, 2004 02:48 PM

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie--

Bush: Raw Deal

Kerry: Junior

Dungeons and Dragons character--

Bush: 20th level paladin

Kerry: 3rd level druid/7th level illusionist half elf/half human/half sprite

Favorite board games--

Bush: Risk, Monopoly

Kerry: Chutes and Ladders, Candyland

Favorite action figure--

Bush: GI Joe with groin-kick foot action

Kerry: Ken, sports fashion accessories edition

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:00 PM

A better Bush "Spinal Tap" lyric: "You're too young, and I'm too well hung."

Category: Vehicle or sexual activity
Bush: Hummer
Kerry: Nova (Spanish for he/it does not go.)

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on November 1, 2004 03:03 PM

If each were a car:

Bush: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
Kerry: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "My child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:05 PM

Ace,

It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 1, 2004 03:22 PM

Favorite military man

Bush: George Patton

Kerry: "Hawkeye" Pearce

Favorite card game

Bush: Five-card draw

Kerry: (Rich) Old Maid

Favorite father's day gift

Bush: New chainsaw

Kerry: Something soft and silky, imported, yet somehow masculine

Favorite Star Trek character

Bush: Captain Kirk

Kerry: Either Jean Luc or Number One, he can't make up his mind. Wait--maybe Data. And Councilor Troy, but not for those reasons.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:26 PM

Carbonated Beverages:
Bush: Dr. Pepper
Kerry: Mr. Pibb

Wine:
Bush: Syrah
Kerry: Piesporter

Illegal Drugs:
Bush: Bathtub meth
Kerry: Shrooms

Homestar Runner Character:
Bush: Strong Bad--mangled syntax, aggressive
Kerry: Strong Sad--lugubrious, whiny, intellectual pretensions

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:32 PM

Warner Bros. character

Bush: Yosemite Sam
Kerry: Pepe le Pew

Posted by: see-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:56 PM

Favorite Comic Book...

Bush: Batman
Kerry: Archie

Posted by: RapidTransit on November 1, 2004 04:15 PM

Hot 60s TV chick

Bush: Jeannie, Catwoman, Ginger
Kerry: That Girl, Mrs. Howell

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:32 PM

Godfather character he most identifies with
Bush: Sonny Corleone
Kerry: Kay Adams

Favorite James Bond villain
Bush: Auric Goldfinger
Kerry: Elliot Carver

Underrated American novelist
Kerry: John Barth
Bush: Zane Grey

Foreign city he'd consider visiting on a lark
Kerry: Karzok, Tibet
Bush: San Francisco

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:50 PM

Favorite Terminator

Bush: T-800 Model 101
Kerry: T-1000

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:34 PM

Reason to smile when hearing the word "Nantucket"

Bush: reminds him of dirty limerick
Kerry: wife owns Nantucket

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Favorite baseball play

Bush: grand slam
Kerry: undecided between touchdown and penalty kick

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 06:12 PM

Nicholas,

Kerry would be more for Troi's mom. You know, a rich widow.

Dale

Posted by: Dale on November 1, 2004 07:25 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Was it Pierce Brosnan in Mars Attacks?

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:38 PM

Oh yeah. Comic strip character most closely identified with:

Kerry: Billy in Family Circus running on of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B.

Bush: Steve Dallas in Bloom County.

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:43 PM

Nicholas Kronos: LMAO @ Mrs. Howell. Too true!

Pizza toppings:

Bush: Meat lovers with extra cheese.
Kerry: "white" pizza with marinated tofu and artichoke hearts.

Horror movie quote:
Bush: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and Kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
Kerry: "It's just your imagination, go back to sleep."

Footwear:

Bush: Cowboy boots. Steel toed.
Kerry: Loafers. Penniless.

Posted by: krakatoa on November 1, 2004 09:16 PM

Patton/Hawkeye is clearly the best entry, so far.

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Ace,

What the fuck was that?? I mean to say, what the fuckin' fuck WAS THAT!?!? What are you Fucked??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 1, 2004 10:31 PM

Quotes from "Mad Max"...

Bush: Step right up, chum, and watch the kid lay down a rubber road right to freedom!
Kerry: I'm scared, Fifi.

Quotes from "The Road Warrior"...

Bush: I'm the best chance you've got.
Kerry: Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

And, from Thunderdome:

Bush: I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.
Kerry: Who's the bunny?

Posted by: bbeck on November 1, 2004 10:58 PM

**It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).**

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler. If it makes you feel better, he seemed to be modled after Billy Idol...

Posted by: To Embarassed To Tell on November 1, 2004 11:04 PM

Bush's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of 180 proof Polish vodka and sings out: "Long live our brave allies".

Kerry's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of watery herbal tea and says: "Down with American imperialism."

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on November 2, 2004 12:22 AM

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler

Thanks for the correction. Of course, I deliberately got it wrong, because while I thought a Cats joke was called for, I did not want to make it at the expense of revealing any familiarity whatsoever with this lavish Broadway production.

Posted by: ace on November 2, 2004 02:54 AM

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Top Headlines

I wonder if he was fearless. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he just did it anyway?

-- Mike Rowe

Low-T High-Calorie Potato Brian Stelter: "Matthew Dowd is no longer an MSNBC political analyst, according to a network source."
Matt Dowd, former Disney Groomer Corporation Political Director and John McCain advisor (of course), is the one who blamed Charlie Kirk's shooting on the real assassin, Charlie Kirk, claiming that Charlie's "hateful words lead to hateful actions."

Trump speaks about the "heinous assassination" of Charlie Kirk, notes the left relentlessly demonized him until they radicalized an assassin to kill him

"For years, the radical left has compared wonderful Americans like Charlie to NAZlS... this type of language is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the terrorism we're seeing in our country today.
And it must stop RIGHT NOW!"

Argentinian PM Javier Millei: "The left is always, at all times and places, a violent phenomenon full of hatred."
I disregard their hate. It's the violence that we object to. And we will begin objecting to it with force.

Update: Kash Patel says the person of interest has been interrogated and then released. Wrong guy, I guess.
But as the hours pass without a real suspect, and with the FBI apparently interrogating uninvolved people, I begin to fear the assassin has escaped. I mean, they don't seem to be following a breadcrumb trail, they seem genuinely baffled.

Karol Sheinin: I can confirm the person of interest questioned by the FBI is Zachariah Ahmed Qureshi.
If this is the guy -- apparently he also interned at Heritage.
Update: Source says he's been released? Wrong guy?

Fat-F*ck Pritzker blames Trump's rhetoric for the ramp up of political violence! May he rot in hell! [CBD]

Podcast: Jim Lakely of Heartland.org joins us to discuss the blockbuster polls they have released over the last week. Americans 19-39 seem to be embracing socialism, overt redistributionist policies, destruction of our rights, and international control of our country! But there is hope on the horizon!

Broward County Officials Accused of Adding Over 100,000 Ineligible Voters to the Rolls It is too soon to know how it happened, but...Republicans are watching! And that is how it is done. [CBD]

Federal judge temporarily blocks Trump from firing Federal Reserve Gov Lisa Cook With absolutely nonsensical reasoning, but you already knew that. [CBD]

Podcast: 2A ban for trannies? Venezuela attack is Congress dropping the ball, RFK Jr...Maniac or disrupter? Heartland.org poll is a sad commentary on American education, and more!

James Varney: Reflecting on Hurricane Katrina twenty years later, and the partisan uses Democrats found for it
There was fear aplenty. But the truth is, a lot of the panic Americans saw on television was performative. The throngs of people along Convention Center Boulevard sat patiently in the broiling weather, five or six deep in folding chairs on the sidewalk, waiting for something, someone, to arrive. Then, a television crew or photographer would show up, and people would pour into the street, falling on their knees, screaming and gesticulating to the camera. It was an awful situation, obviously, but when the camera wasn't on them, it was remarkable how patient and orderly everyone was.

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: the most repetitive but catchy earworm of the eighties?
Sometimes, I find you doubt my love for you but I don't mind
Why should I mind? Why should I mind?
It's hard to quote the song while avoiding quoting from the endlessly-repeated chorus.
Wait, my mistake, his other hit from 1985 was the most repetitive new wave hit of the 80s.

David French Is Aggressively and Persistently Dishonorable, But Fortunately He's Also Really Bad At It
Here's a solid beating of the execrable French! [CBD]

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
I'm gonna get high, man, I'm gonna get loose/
Need me a triple shot of that juice

Podcast: 600,000 Chinese spies given visas? Scotland relies on 14-year-old girls for their defense, tariffs work! mortgage fraud is the new thing, and more!

I guess yesterday's Starship test flight was cancelled. They're counting down to another launch, NOW. Lift-off!

The "hip" gray corporate slop era of Cracker Barrel is put on hold (supposedly):

Bret Baier
@BretBaier

Cracker Barrel is going back to the old logo. Company statement: "We thank our guests for sharing your voices and love for Cracker Barrel. We said we would listen, and we have. Our new logo is going away and our "Old Timer" will remain. At Cracker Barrel, it's always been - and always will be - about serving up delicious food, warm welcomes, and the kind of country hospitality that feels like family. As a proud American institution, our 70,000 hardworking employees look forward to welcoming you to our table soon."

A Starship test flight is scheduled for 6:30 Central (7:30 Eastern)

Elric the Blade says he's no longer sure that Trump will have the right to appeal in the NY fraud case:
Yesterday, I thought that Trump had an appeal as of right on the fraud liability, based upon news reports that cited the second opinion as declining to find in favor of liability. That would give Trump at least 2 dissenting judges for an appeal as of right.
But now, after seeing the actual decisions, I'm not so sure. Sorry, guys. I've never seen or heard of what the second opinion did. They dissented, but ... decided not to dissent? I'm not sure what the effect is in terms of whether Trump has a right to appeal. I doubt anyone does.
I think even if Trump doesn't have a right of appeal, the Court of Appeals (NY's highest court) will take the case. But ... it's a liberal court so who knows how they'll rule. I have the docket number so I can track what gets appealed to the Court of Appeals. If Trump wants to appeal, I think he might file an appeal as of right and a petition for permission to appeal. His lawyers know this case much better than I, but even they might know what the effect of all the opinions are.
I don't think they'll take the appeal. Judges are lazy and cowardly and will duck any hot potato case they can. These judges are also liberal hacks, and do not want to deliver Trump a full victory.