Ace of Spades HQ

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November 01, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Voter Issue Guide

FANTASY FILMS

BUSH: The Lord of the Rings, especially The Two Towers; Excalibur
KERRY: The Never-Ending Story; Fahrenheit 9-11

BASES OF SUPPORT

BUSH: blue-collar workers; the American Heartland
KERRY: nine members of Woody Allen's co-op board; the Sunni Triangle

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tugger in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

KEY MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: (from Mickey Spillaine's I, the Jury)

LOVE INTEREST, AFTER HAVING BEEN SHOT AND MORTALLY WOUNDED BY MIKE HAMMER: How... c-c-could you?
MIKE HAMMER: It was easy.

KERRY: (from The Big Chill)

GLENN CLOSE: I really want you to bang my kinda-ugly best friend and knock her up. Because, you know, we all love each other so darn much!

ARCHAIC MILDLY-BLASPHEMOUS MIDDLE-AGES OATH

BUSH: Zounds! (derived from "God's Wounds")
KERRY: 'Snards! (derived from "God's Nards")

(Look, I'm sorry about that one, for any who might be offended. But really, that's how they used to curse. Take it from someone who played D&D in middle school.)

OBLIGATORY STAR WARS ANALOGY

BUSH: Luke and/or Boba Fett
KERRY: Lando and/or Greedo (Greedo endorses offering only the "threat of force," which turns out to be not-such-a-hot idea)

"COUPLES SKATE" ROLLER/ICE RINK SELECTIONS

BUSH: Somebody, Bryan Adams; or I Know What Boys Want, the Waitresses
KERRY: Careless Whisper, Wham; or R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar "Mellencamp"

SCI-FI QUOTE REGARDING WHAT TO DO WITH DANGEROUS ALIENS

BUSH: "I say we nuke them from orbit"
KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

ICONIC HERO

BUSH: "Mad" Max Rocatansky ("Two men enter, one man leaves")
KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")

GO-TO PROP IN TRYING TO SEDUCE A WOMAN
BUSH: Cowboy boots
KERRY: Chinese Etchings

"BRAT PACK" MOVIE CHARACTERS

BUSH: Ferris Buehler; Andrew McCarthy from St. Elmo's Fire
KERRY: John "No Dad what about you?!" Bender from The Breakfast Club; James Spader from Pretty in Pink; also, curiously enough, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (he has a lot of nuance, you see)

BELOVED CHILDHOOD CARTOONS

BUSH: Ricki Tikki Tavi; A Charlie Brown Christmas
KERRY: Free to Be You and Me; The Lorax

STEVE GUTTENBERG

BUSH: Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy (you just know Bush is a fan)
KERRY: Steve Guttenberg from anything else, but especially that godawful one with Shelley Long where he has Hodgkins but poses as some sort of Australian biker "rebel"

I Just Know There's More to This Premise Update! But I'm dry. If you've got a good one, drop it in the comments, and I'll compile the best of reader-submitted comparisons later tonight.

posted by Ace at 12:58 PM

Comments

I have a Kerry Song Suggestion: Anthem or whatnot

Guyana Punch by the Judys

For John Edwards a bit of Josey Cotton: Johnny are you Queer?

being an 80s guru you should know these song, no?

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:15 PM

Judy's Guyana Punch you can hear it there if you don't recall it :)

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

I've heard of Johnny Are You Queer, but I don't know it. It think it was in Valley Girl.

I never heard of the other one, or that band.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

yeah they used alot of josey cotton stuff in Valley girl. 3 or so songs. Great soundtrack on that flick. Plimsoles and Modern English. Josey predates the movie a bit though. The Judys were/are a punk band from Texas but were very successful in that whole genre of music. Milk is another of their big songs.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:27 PM

I didn't think the Judy's made it out of Texas much.

Posted by: David [.net] on November 1, 2004 01:35 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

"Never Ending Story." Heh.

Posted by: Scout on November 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Personally, never saw it. Saw the commercials, though, and thought: "Wow. There is a movie that I am not going to see, EVER, even on basic cable."

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:19 PM

***KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")***

Nah.

Ol' Zachary was too dead-on butch for Kerry. Gave the li'l trooper a real... "funny feeling" downstairs, like, whenever he'd sit there on the living room carpet in his footie 'jamas, scarfing up a big ol' double bowl of Cocoa Krispies and goggling at LOST IN SPACE re-runs on Saturday mornings.

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:20 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Posted by: Alex on November 1, 2004 02:21 PM

Admit it Ace.

You still play Dungeons and Dragons.

Posted by: Matt on November 1, 2004 02:31 PM

Matt,

Never.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:32 PM

***Never***

Then how come your left eye does that weird, uncontrollable... *twitchy*-type thing, every time someone says "Hot Elven Chainmail Chicks In Bondage"...? :)

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:35 PM

Elton John song
Bush: Saturday Night (all right for fighting)
Kerry: The Circle Of Life - Lion King soundtrack

Late night TV sci-fi classic
Bush: Dark Star
Kerry: Silent Running

Posted by: Gordon on November 1, 2004 02:48 PM

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie--

Bush: Raw Deal

Kerry: Junior

Dungeons and Dragons character--

Bush: 20th level paladin

Kerry: 3rd level druid/7th level illusionist half elf/half human/half sprite

Favorite board games--

Bush: Risk, Monopoly

Kerry: Chutes and Ladders, Candyland

Favorite action figure--

Bush: GI Joe with groin-kick foot action

Kerry: Ken, sports fashion accessories edition

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:00 PM

A better Bush "Spinal Tap" lyric: "You're too young, and I'm too well hung."

Category: Vehicle or sexual activity
Bush: Hummer
Kerry: Nova (Spanish for he/it does not go.)

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on November 1, 2004 03:03 PM

If each were a car:

Bush: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
Kerry: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "My child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:05 PM

Ace,

It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 1, 2004 03:22 PM

Favorite military man

Bush: George Patton

Kerry: "Hawkeye" Pearce

Favorite card game

Bush: Five-card draw

Kerry: (Rich) Old Maid

Favorite father's day gift

Bush: New chainsaw

Kerry: Something soft and silky, imported, yet somehow masculine

Favorite Star Trek character

Bush: Captain Kirk

Kerry: Either Jean Luc or Number One, he can't make up his mind. Wait--maybe Data. And Councilor Troy, but not for those reasons.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:26 PM

Carbonated Beverages:
Bush: Dr. Pepper
Kerry: Mr. Pibb

Wine:
Bush: Syrah
Kerry: Piesporter

Illegal Drugs:
Bush: Bathtub meth
Kerry: Shrooms

Homestar Runner Character:
Bush: Strong Bad--mangled syntax, aggressive
Kerry: Strong Sad--lugubrious, whiny, intellectual pretensions

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:32 PM

Warner Bros. character

Bush: Yosemite Sam
Kerry: Pepe le Pew

Posted by: see-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:56 PM

Favorite Comic Book...

Bush: Batman
Kerry: Archie

Posted by: RapidTransit on November 1, 2004 04:15 PM

Hot 60s TV chick

Bush: Jeannie, Catwoman, Ginger
Kerry: That Girl, Mrs. Howell

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:32 PM

Godfather character he most identifies with
Bush: Sonny Corleone
Kerry: Kay Adams

Favorite James Bond villain
Bush: Auric Goldfinger
Kerry: Elliot Carver

Underrated American novelist
Kerry: John Barth
Bush: Zane Grey

Foreign city he'd consider visiting on a lark
Kerry: Karzok, Tibet
Bush: San Francisco

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:50 PM

Favorite Terminator

Bush: T-800 Model 101
Kerry: T-1000

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:34 PM

Reason to smile when hearing the word "Nantucket"

Bush: reminds him of dirty limerick
Kerry: wife owns Nantucket

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Favorite baseball play

Bush: grand slam
Kerry: undecided between touchdown and penalty kick

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 06:12 PM

Nicholas,

Kerry would be more for Troi's mom. You know, a rich widow.

Dale

Posted by: Dale on November 1, 2004 07:25 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Was it Pierce Brosnan in Mars Attacks?

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:38 PM

Oh yeah. Comic strip character most closely identified with:

Kerry: Billy in Family Circus running on of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B.

Bush: Steve Dallas in Bloom County.

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:43 PM

Nicholas Kronos: LMAO @ Mrs. Howell. Too true!

Pizza toppings:

Bush: Meat lovers with extra cheese.
Kerry: "white" pizza with marinated tofu and artichoke hearts.

Horror movie quote:
Bush: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and Kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
Kerry: "It's just your imagination, go back to sleep."

Footwear:

Bush: Cowboy boots. Steel toed.
Kerry: Loafers. Penniless.

Posted by: krakatoa on November 1, 2004 09:16 PM

Patton/Hawkeye is clearly the best entry, so far.

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Ace,

What the fuck was that?? I mean to say, what the fuckin' fuck WAS THAT!?!? What are you Fucked??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 1, 2004 10:31 PM

Quotes from "Mad Max"...

Bush: Step right up, chum, and watch the kid lay down a rubber road right to freedom!
Kerry: I'm scared, Fifi.

Quotes from "The Road Warrior"...

Bush: I'm the best chance you've got.
Kerry: Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

And, from Thunderdome:

Bush: I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.
Kerry: Who's the bunny?

Posted by: bbeck on November 1, 2004 10:58 PM

**It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).**

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler. If it makes you feel better, he seemed to be modled after Billy Idol...

Posted by: To Embarassed To Tell on November 1, 2004 11:04 PM

Bush's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of 180 proof Polish vodka and sings out: "Long live our brave allies".

Kerry's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of watery herbal tea and says: "Down with American imperialism."

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on November 2, 2004 12:22 AM

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler

Thanks for the correction. Of course, I deliberately got it wrong, because while I thought a Cats joke was called for, I did not want to make it at the expense of revealing any familiarity whatsoever with this lavish Broadway production.

Posted by: ace on November 2, 2004 02:54 AM

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Top Headlines

The Lost Classics of Yacht Rock
You know you can't fool me
I've been loving you too long
It started so easy
You want to carry on
I'm not sure this is even Yacht Rock. This might just be very soft rock. I can't see myself sniffing cocaine from a Boat Hoe's cleavage to this song, which is the primary criterion of Yacht Rock.
But I think this song more crosses from the shallows of soft rock to the cresting majesty of Yacht Rock. This is definitely bouncy enough for Hoe Snow. Very smooth, a little folky, a little jazzy. It's got that Hoe Snow snap.

From Andycanuck: Hezballah members reporting for work today, a little bit skittish about entering the code on an electronic keypad lock
I don't know if this is real. It's certainly accurate -- no one in Hezballah is happy to be handling any kind of electronic device today.

Flashback: Remember when the entire Regime Media conducted a two-week psyop to convince the American people that Joe Biden was a "super-ager"?

CBD and Sefton are joined by Jim Lakely of The Heartland Institute! The evil of the Democrats, Donald Trump's psyche after the assassination attempts, exploding pagers...and more!

FAA fines SpaceX $633K for acting without its permission "These fines therefore are simply because FAA management has hurt feelings because SpaceX wouldn't wait for it to twiddle its thumbs for a few more weeks. The fines also suggest that FAA management is either being pressured to hinder SpaceX's commercial operations by higher ups in the White House, or that management itself is trying to exert more power over the company, for apparently very petty reasons." [CBD]

1) Individuals, on camera and audio, stating what they saw is "unconfirmed" with "no specific reports"

2) anonymous bomb threats with no arrests or suspects is "Republicans threatening Haitians."

Well fuck them, I called the hospital and they said there's no confirmed reports of specific individual Republicans making any bomb threats.

Posted by: People's Hippo Voice at

Rep. James Comer writes letter to criminal Christopher Wray, seeking information about Tim Walz's many, many suspicious trips to China
The FBI investigated whether Trump was a Russian agent based upon... nothing. Think they're investigating Walz, or nah?

Sopranos vs. Star Trek
Thanks to "NYT c*cksuckers"

Film Threat's Alan Ng gives Am I Racist? 8 1/2 out of ten, calling it "consistently hilarious"
Opens today. This is another one I have to see. It's being shown at AMC theaters so it will be on enough screens that people will be able to see it.

New book edited by Michael Walsh and featuring essays by Glenn Reynolds, Kurt Schlichter, and others: Against the Corporate Media: Forty-Two Ways the Press Hates You
Michael Walsh asked me to contribute a chapter to this book. I bailed out when I couldn't find a new angle on topic. But Walsh found a bunch of writers who do have new things to say. I'll review the book soon. Definitely consider buying it.

The intro to Duran Duran's "Rio"

Supposedly a Twitter account called "The Black Insurrectionist" has a signed affidavit from an anonymous ABC "News" staffer, alleging that Muir and Kamala's sorority sister exchanged questions behind the scenes. I don't know if this is true. He says he's keeping the name of the staffer anonymous, so there will be no way to verify it even if he publishes it. Shrug. It's not much but a claim.

Megyn Kelly was a little hot and bothered by ABC "News'" immoderate "moderators"

When SNL, and Alec Baldwin, still had a sense of humor: "Who's On Top?"

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Laura Loomer is a lunatic and a racist

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Soulful Stalker Division
"I gave you silk suits, Gucci handbags and blue diamonds.
I gave you things you couldn't even pronounce!
But now I can't give you nothing but advice.
Cause you're still young, yeah, you're young.
And you're gonna find somebody like me one of these days
Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here
with that alley-cat-coat-wearing,
punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!
That's right, Silly rabbit,
tricks are made for kids, don't you know that.
You without me is like corn flakes without the milk!
This is my world.
You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut!
Now get on outta here.
Scat! Don't touch that coat..."

A tale of two stories about Haiti. "When Trump was president, the media rushed to push the false story of Border Patrol agents 'whipping' Haitian migrants. When Democrats are in power, they rush to debunk the story about Haitian migrants eating pets in Ohio." [Buck]

From 1985: Is this the most obscure Forgotten 80s Mystery Click ever?
Another scratched or scribbled note
Hint: The band's name is a reference to their hometown of Niagara Falls, Canada.
Two handsome men in overcoats
Deception right in front of me
Or jealous fantasy
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Something that sets you apart
It tightens your grip on my heart
Don't ever let it go
I thought Donny Iris was super-obscure, but then like 20 commenters told me "Oh I've always been a big Donny Iris fan, he was huge in Pittsburgh (or wherever)." So maybe people will tell me "I still play this album" or something.

This AI short "movie" is creepy and a little scary

Mind blown: "Adult" and "adolescent" are the same word!
So "adolescent" is basically the progressive form of the verb adolscere, to grow, to mature, so an adolescent is maturing. Adult, from adoltus, is the part tense of the verb, which means, "matured."
I looked it up because I started to wonder why these near-opposite terms looked so much alike.