Ace of Spades HQ

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November 01, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Voter Issue Guide

FANTASY FILMS

BUSH: The Lord of the Rings, especially The Two Towers; Excalibur
KERRY: The Never-Ending Story; Fahrenheit 9-11

BASES OF SUPPORT

BUSH: blue-collar workers; the American Heartland
KERRY: nine members of Woody Allen's co-op board; the Sunni Triangle

EIGHTH GRADE ROCK ANTHEM

BUSH: Destroyer, aka "Paranoia," by The Kinks
KERRY: Foolish Heart, Journey, or Steve Perry, whoever the hell is responsible for that abortion

MINOR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS

BUSH: George Thoroughgood and at least two (2) of the Delaware Destroyers
KERRY: All six actors who played Rum-Tum-Tugger in Cats (plus their understudies and the entirety of the hair & make-up people and costumers)

REPRESENTATIVE LYRIC FROM "SPINAL TAP"

BUSH: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo
KERRY: Listen! (shhhhhh...!) to what the Flower People say ah-AH-ahhh-AAHH-Ahhh

COMIC SUPPORTERS

BUSH: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, Drew Carey, Colin Quinn
KERRY: Margaret Cho, Al Franken, Jeneane Garofalo, "Balky" from Perfect Strangers

KEY MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: (from Mickey Spillaine's I, the Jury)

LOVE INTEREST, AFTER HAVING BEEN SHOT AND MORTALLY WOUNDED BY MIKE HAMMER: How... c-c-could you?
MIKE HAMMER: It was easy.

KERRY: (from The Big Chill)

GLENN CLOSE: I really want you to bang my kinda-ugly best friend and knock her up. Because, you know, we all love each other so darn much!

ARCHAIC MILDLY-BLASPHEMOUS MIDDLE-AGES OATH

BUSH: Zounds! (derived from "God's Wounds")
KERRY: 'Snards! (derived from "God's Nards")

(Look, I'm sorry about that one, for any who might be offended. But really, that's how they used to curse. Take it from someone who played D&D in middle school.)

OBLIGATORY STAR WARS ANALOGY

BUSH: Luke and/or Boba Fett
KERRY: Lando and/or Greedo (Greedo endorses offering only the "threat of force," which turns out to be not-such-a-hot idea)

"COUPLES SKATE" ROLLER/ICE RINK SELECTIONS

BUSH: Somebody, Bryan Adams; or I Know What Boys Want, the Waitresses
KERRY: Careless Whisper, Wham; or R-O-C-K in the USA by John Cougar "Mellencamp"

SCI-FI QUOTE REGARDING WHAT TO DO WITH DANGEROUS ALIENS

BUSH: "I say we nuke them from orbit"
KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

ICONIC HERO

BUSH: "Mad" Max Rocatansky ("Two men enter, one man leaves")
KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")

GO-TO PROP IN TRYING TO SEDUCE A WOMAN
BUSH: Cowboy boots
KERRY: Chinese Etchings

"BRAT PACK" MOVIE CHARACTERS

BUSH: Ferris Buehler; Andrew McCarthy from St. Elmo's Fire
KERRY: John "No Dad what about you?!" Bender from The Breakfast Club; James Spader from Pretty in Pink; also, curiously enough, Ducky from Pretty in Pink (he has a lot of nuance, you see)

BELOVED CHILDHOOD CARTOONS

BUSH: Ricki Tikki Tavi; A Charlie Brown Christmas
KERRY: Free to Be You and Me; The Lorax

STEVE GUTTENBERG

BUSH: Steve Guttenberg from Police Academy (you just know Bush is a fan)
KERRY: Steve Guttenberg from anything else, but especially that godawful one with Shelley Long where he has Hodgkins but poses as some sort of Australian biker "rebel"

I Just Know There's More to This Premise Update! But I'm dry. If you've got a good one, drop it in the comments, and I'll compile the best of reader-submitted comparisons later tonight.

posted by Ace at 12:58 PM

Comments

I have a Kerry Song Suggestion: Anthem or whatnot

Guyana Punch by the Judys

For John Edwards a bit of Josey Cotton: Johnny are you Queer?

being an 80s guru you should know these song, no?

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:15 PM

Judy's Guyana Punch you can hear it there if you don't recall it :)

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

I've heard of Johnny Are You Queer, but I don't know it. It think it was in Valley Girl.

I never heard of the other one, or that band.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 01:21 PM

yeah they used alot of josey cotton stuff in Valley girl. 3 or so songs. Great soundtrack on that flick. Plimsoles and Modern English. Josey predates the movie a bit though. The Judys were/are a punk band from Texas but were very successful in that whole genre of music. Milk is another of their big songs.

Posted by: Jennifer on November 1, 2004 01:27 PM

I didn't think the Judy's made it out of Texas much.

Posted by: David [.net] on November 1, 2004 01:35 PM

Thanks for the laugh.

"Never Ending Story." Heh.

Posted by: Scout on November 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Personally, never saw it. Saw the commercials, though, and thought: "Wow. There is a movie that I am not going to see, EVER, even on basic cable."

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:19 PM

***KERRY: Dr. Smith from Lost in Space ("Dear boy! Oh, stop your cantankerous clanking, you moronic mechanical monstrosity!")***

Nah.

Ol' Zachary was too dead-on butch for Kerry. Gave the li'l trooper a real... "funny feeling" downstairs, like, whenever he'd sit there on the living room carpet in his footie 'jamas, scarfing up a big ol' double bowl of Cocoa Krispies and goggling at LOST IN SPACE re-runs on Saturday mornings.

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:20 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Posted by: Alex on November 1, 2004 02:21 PM

Admit it Ace.

You still play Dungeons and Dragons.

Posted by: Matt on November 1, 2004 02:31 PM

Matt,

Never.

Posted by: ace on November 1, 2004 02:32 PM

***Never***

Then how come your left eye does that weird, uncontrollable... *twitchy*-type thing, every time someone says "Hot Elven Chainmail Chicks In Bondage"...? :)

Posted by: Kent on November 1, 2004 02:35 PM

Elton John song
Bush: Saturday Night (all right for fighting)
Kerry: The Circle Of Life - Lion King soundtrack

Late night TV sci-fi classic
Bush: Dark Star
Kerry: Silent Running

Posted by: Gordon on November 1, 2004 02:48 PM

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie--

Bush: Raw Deal

Kerry: Junior

Dungeons and Dragons character--

Bush: 20th level paladin

Kerry: 3rd level druid/7th level illusionist half elf/half human/half sprite

Favorite board games--

Bush: Risk, Monopoly

Kerry: Chutes and Ladders, Candyland

Favorite action figure--

Bush: GI Joe with groin-kick foot action

Kerry: Ken, sports fashion accessories edition

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:00 PM

A better Bush "Spinal Tap" lyric: "You're too young, and I'm too well hung."

Category: Vehicle or sexual activity
Bush: Hummer
Kerry: Nova (Spanish for he/it does not go.)

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on November 1, 2004 03:03 PM

If each were a car:

Bush: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
Kerry: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "My child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers.

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:05 PM

Ace,

It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).

Posted by: hobgoblin on November 1, 2004 03:22 PM

Favorite military man

Bush: George Patton

Kerry: "Hawkeye" Pearce

Favorite card game

Bush: Five-card draw

Kerry: (Rich) Old Maid

Favorite father's day gift

Bush: New chainsaw

Kerry: Something soft and silky, imported, yet somehow masculine

Favorite Star Trek character

Bush: Captain Kirk

Kerry: Either Jean Luc or Number One, he can't make up his mind. Wait--maybe Data. And Councilor Troy, but not for those reasons.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 03:26 PM

Carbonated Beverages:
Bush: Dr. Pepper
Kerry: Mr. Pibb

Wine:
Bush: Syrah
Kerry: Piesporter

Illegal Drugs:
Bush: Bathtub meth
Kerry: Shrooms

Homestar Runner Character:
Bush: Strong Bad--mangled syntax, aggressive
Kerry: Strong Sad--lugubrious, whiny, intellectual pretensions

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:32 PM

Warner Bros. character

Bush: Yosemite Sam
Kerry: Pepe le Pew

Posted by: see-Dubya on November 1, 2004 03:56 PM

Favorite Comic Book...

Bush: Batman
Kerry: Archie

Posted by: RapidTransit on November 1, 2004 04:15 PM

Hot 60s TV chick

Bush: Jeannie, Catwoman, Ginger
Kerry: That Girl, Mrs. Howell

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:32 PM

Godfather character he most identifies with
Bush: Sonny Corleone
Kerry: Kay Adams

Favorite James Bond villain
Bush: Auric Goldfinger
Kerry: Elliot Carver

Underrated American novelist
Kerry: John Barth
Bush: Zane Grey

Foreign city he'd consider visiting on a lark
Kerry: Karzok, Tibet
Bush: San Francisco

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on November 1, 2004 04:50 PM

Favorite Terminator

Bush: T-800 Model 101
Kerry: T-1000

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:34 PM

Reason to smile when hearing the word "Nantucket"

Bush: reminds him of dirty limerick
Kerry: wife owns Nantucket

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 05:46 PM

Favorite baseball play

Bush: grand slam
Kerry: undecided between touchdown and penalty kick

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 06:12 PM

Nicholas,

Kerry would be more for Troi's mom. You know, a rich widow.

Dale

Posted by: Dale on November 1, 2004 07:25 PM

KERRY: "Let's study them! Who among us can say that these vicious man-eating creatures aren't worthy of our respect, friendship, and -- dare I say -- even... love?"

Come on, that couldn't be from a real movie...could it?

Was it Pierce Brosnan in Mars Attacks?

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:38 PM

Oh yeah. Comic strip character most closely identified with:

Kerry: Billy in Family Circus running on of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B.

Bush: Steve Dallas in Bloom County.

Posted by: Lord Floppington on November 1, 2004 07:43 PM

Nicholas Kronos: LMAO @ Mrs. Howell. Too true!

Pizza toppings:

Bush: Meat lovers with extra cheese.
Kerry: "white" pizza with marinated tofu and artichoke hearts.

Horror movie quote:
Bush: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and Kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
Kerry: "It's just your imagination, go back to sleep."

Footwear:

Bush: Cowboy boots. Steel toed.
Kerry: Loafers. Penniless.

Posted by: krakatoa on November 1, 2004 09:16 PM

Patton/Hawkeye is clearly the best entry, so far.

Posted by: Stumbo on November 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Ace,

What the fuck was that?? I mean to say, what the fuckin' fuck WAS THAT!?!? What are you Fucked??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 1, 2004 10:31 PM

Quotes from "Mad Max"...

Bush: Step right up, chum, and watch the kid lay down a rubber road right to freedom!
Kerry: I'm scared, Fifi.

Quotes from "The Road Warrior"...

Bush: I'm the best chance you've got.
Kerry: Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

And, from Thunderdome:

Bush: I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.
Kerry: Who's the bunny?

Posted by: bbeck on November 1, 2004 10:58 PM

**It pains me that you know the characters of Cats (or if you don't I can't tell).**

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler. If it makes you feel better, he seemed to be modled after Billy Idol...

Posted by: To Embarassed To Tell on November 1, 2004 11:04 PM

Bush's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of 180 proof Polish vodka and sings out: "Long live our brave allies".

Kerry's salute to an ally: Down's a shot of watery herbal tea and says: "Down with American imperialism."

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on November 2, 2004 12:22 AM

Sadly enough I do know them, and I noticed that Ace was wrong. It's "Rum Tum Tugger" not Tumbler

Thanks for the correction. Of course, I deliberately got it wrong, because while I thought a Cats joke was called for, I did not want to make it at the expense of revealing any familiarity whatsoever with this lavish Broadway production.

Posted by: ace on November 2, 2004 02:54 AM

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Top Headlines

After threatening that the "clock is ticking" for renewed strikes on Iran, Trump once again calls them off to give negotiating a chance.
I can't even cover this any more. It's embarrassing. It's like covering the endless negotiations over DHS funding. Trump is going to drag this out through the midterms and then lose them.
Note to the president: At some point, allowing the Regime to remain in power without actually forcing them to give up nukes is just a back-door, unacknowledged renewal of the Obama policy.
Well, I guess we just have to wait for their economy to collapse and their troops to desert.

TJM definitively ranks the films of David Lean

Mayor Karen is so stung by fan-made AI ads that she's resorting to the shitlibs' go-to demand for an end to criticism -- these ads are "violent" and "hateful" and making me feel unsafe because one video showed AI cartoons throwing tomatoes at me and the tomatoes looked like blood when they squished
This was her actual complaint. The mushed-up tomato looked like blood so it's a death threat and these violent attacks on me must stop. What is dis bitch, CNN?

Podcast: Sefton and CBD are joined by Jeff Carter, candidate for NV treasurer, and seasoned finance professional, for a discussion of the issues facing Nevadans, and the larger financial challenges in America.

TJM explores the movies of David Lean, director of Lawrence of Arabia

Few people remember that Norm MacDonald began his career as a ventriloquist
MacDonald's old partner Adam Egot revealed that MacDonald repurposed a bit with one of his ventriloquist dolls -- that he was a "bad guy" who "didn't believe the Holocaust happened" -- for the Norm MacDonald show, in which he claimed Egot didn't believe in the Holocaust.

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"