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« Must-Read for Fiscal Conservatives: The Budget Ain't As Bad As You Think | Main | Bitch, Bitch, Bitch »
October 18, 2004

Germans Still Obsessed With Racial Eugenics

Berlin Man Wants to Make Bananas of Pure Aryan Blood, or At Least Straighten Them Up

What the hell is with the fucking Germans?

Fed up with the inconvenient curved shape of bananas, a Berlin resident has dreamt up a way to straighten this staple of the fruit bowl, even applying to have his banana-straightening method patented.

Karl-Friedrich Lentze thinks he's on to the biggest thing since sliced bread -- the straight banana. Or as he prefers to call it, the "cigar-banana."

The 56-year old social welfare recipient has developed a method to take away the yellow-skinned fruit's distinctive curve.

"Depending on the degree of the curve, chunks will be cut out of the banana, which will then be bound back together using biologically safe bandages," Lentze explained to the German tabloid Bild.

The curvy chunks won't go to waste. Lentze's plan involves either drying them or using them in fruit salad.

"After a certain introduction time, the straight cigar-banana will drive the curved banana from the market," Lentze said. "It's easier to eat, and easier to store."


posted by Ace at 04:51 PM
Comments



"Bananas vill be bred UNT SLAUGHTERED!!"

Posted by: Tom on October 18, 2004 05:01 PM

Armin Meiwes obviously ate the wrong person.

Posted by: Dick on October 18, 2004 05:03 PM

... all this,a nd it makes a hel of a nice lampshade, too!

Posted by: Bithead on October 18, 2004 05:03 PM

"The 56-year old social welfare recipient..."

Heh.

Posted by: Brian on October 18, 2004 05:10 PM

See what happens when you let people stay on welfare too long...

Posted by: Vulture 6 (Scott) on October 18, 2004 05:12 PM

Heil Chiquita!

... I got nothing.

Posted by: zetetic on October 18, 2004 05:15 PM

Yeah, and weren't the Japanese working on some square watermelon that was going to "drive the [regular watermelon] from the market"?

These folks will never learn; we like our bananas to be curved, our watermelons to be round and our victories over authoritarian regimes to be total.

Posted by: mikeski on October 18, 2004 05:28 PM

I guess it is a matter of time till we see the posters detailing the 'correct' and 'incorrect' angles and dimensions of fruit and vegetables in the produce aisles.

Posted by: Alex on October 18, 2004 05:45 PM


Ever pulled the 'pre-sliced banana' trick on a naive dupe? You tell them of a new breed of the fruit that comes already sliced when you peel it, ready for use in salads or over your breakfast cereal.

Then you show them one. He peels it, and sure enough, the slices fall out in half-inch segments.

Supposedly he freaks out and offers you lots of money. But the only time I tried it, on my mother-in-law, she just shrugged her shoulders and told me it probably would be too expensive and she didn't like new-fangled foods anyway.

The trick is to use a sewing needle and about a foot of thread. You insert the needle at the banana ridge, push it through to the next ridge and pull it out, then re-insert through that hole leading to the NEXT ridge, until you have totally circumnavigated the banana -- then pull the thread out, slicing the inside fruit. Do this multiple times for multiple slices. The holes in the ridges are invisible.

It takes about ten minutes per banana. After my first ho-hum victim reaction, I gave it up as a waste of time.

Maybe we could mail some to the German, and demand a million bucks for the genetic blueprint?

Jim O

Posted by: JimO on October 18, 2004 06:22 PM

Sluts are going to be so depressed. It used to work just like a real human c***, oops!

Posted by: Roundguy on October 18, 2004 07:34 PM

No, no! I've got it! Bananazis!

Posted by: zetetic` on October 18, 2004 07:48 PM

I don't if it's a waste of time to sew bananas for 10 minutes to play banana jokes on people. But it was definitely a waste of time reading about it.

In fact, responding to it has caused me to become less intelligent. I'm actually dumber for having written this.

Now I need a Brit to tell me how to vote. You bastard.

Posted by: Dear Johns on October 18, 2004 08:11 PM

With a humdinger of an idea like that, I can't believe he's still on welfare.

Posted by: jmflynny on October 18, 2004 08:39 PM

Sounds like the Lorena Bobbit method of banana curvature correction.

Posted by: D Carter on October 18, 2004 09:50 PM

The Germans are embarking on a path fruit domination and the world just sits silent and watches. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM HISTORY!

First they come for the bananas, then they come for the apples and THEN they come for the oranges.

Posted by: WindyCity on October 19, 2004 08:44 AM

i think the better lead in link is: "dude, what the fuck is wrong with german people?" ala, stan watching the german sheizer video with cartman's mom in it.

Posted by: monkey man on October 19, 2004 09:20 AM
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