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« Communication Breakdown | Main | Polls Understate Republican Turnout? »
October 14, 2004

Special Guest Columnist: Moqtada al-Sadr

Well, no one really did any trackbacks on this one the first time around. [Are you really re-pimping a piece just two and a half weeks after you wrote it?--ed. You betcha! And this isn't Kausfiles. Get the fuck out of here with that silly "editor" banter, you imaginary person you.]

This leads me to believe it 1) wasn't all that funny or 2) just "didn't find its audience."

My brain says "1" but my heart says "2."

Anyway, what follows is not work-safe, unless you work at, say, Hustler or Sausage Surprise.


I've Really Got to Stop Jacking Off At Work

by
Moqtada al-Sadr


Special Ace of Spades Guest Columnist

I've really got to stop masturbating at the office. I'm not kidding here. This situation is really getting "out of hand." (Wink.)

I don't know how all this madness got started. Two years ago I refused to even look at computers -- or "Crusader Infidel Jew-Boxes," as I call them. (LOL.) But I needed to keep updating my jihadist video collection, and so I had one installed at the office at my mosque.

Well, long story short, let's just say that one day I stumbled into a delightful little message-board called Big Busted Spanish Whores Must Learn to Clean Their Dirty Feet, and since then I've been a real "jerk." (ROFLMAO.)

It's gotten bad. Everyday I eagerly anticipate the office clearing out so that I can visit my favorite internet pornography sites. When the cleaning ladies begin rolling it at around six-ish, I immediately begin downloading hardcore porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon. Even seeing a cleaning lady now gives me an instantaneous arousal.

The intoxicating scent of Formula 409 and the hypnotic whine of vacuum-cleaners is enough to "bring the mountain to Mohammed's pants," if you know what I'm talking about. (Wink.)

It all began innocently enough -- big busted whores, teenage babysitters, some light spanking, sex with goats and chickens. You know, the four basic food groups of pornography. (Rim-shot. Pardon me, but, by Allah, I do make myself chuckle.)

But lately I've been exploring more… forbidden fruits, as they say. I've now become so sexually jaded that the only thing that really gets me hot nowadays is a new form of German fetish video called Gehaeusegeficken, also known as “Cage-Banging” in your corrupt Infidel tongue. (Tongue-- don't get me started. Wink.)

Now in these German Cage-Bang videos, naked, oiled schoolboys are trapped in a steel cage, and on the cage’s walls are affixed various deadly medieval weapons and chainsaws, as well as frightening-looking sexual devices.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart. LOL.

The athletic-looking boys then grab these sinister implements from the walls as they’re forced to go at each other in a combination of gay-porn-slash-deadly-gladiatorial-combat. And thus ensconced in my own personal homoerotic Thunderdome, I abuse myself with the repetitive mechanical fury of a short-circuiting industrial robot.

Two men enter, one man leaves -- one very satisfied man, I can tell you. (g)

I know all of this is very unrighteous, but for the life of me, I cannot stop thinking about it. 72 self-perpetuating virgins upon dying a martyr's death? Bah. What are 72 virgins when I have over one thousand candid photographs of Princeton crew-boys snapping towels at each other in the locker-room, all at my "fingertips"? :)

Well, enough for now. Lupe the maid just shut off the lights in the hallway, and I just got an email asking me if I would like to see pictures of Prince Harry being forced to make out with the hot-looking kid from Hanson.

Would I?!

Would I ever! (Wink.)

Moqtada al-Sadr is a prize-winning columnist and maniac, whose latest book is called Is It Just Me, or Is Jude Law Really Fucking Tasty? His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.

posted by Ace at 12:27 PM
Comments



Another queer little arrow in your quiver Ace.
Fits nicely with the whole Lesbian debate outrage/I'm not even a little bit gay/ I may be just a tiny bit gay theme here.

Posted by: lauraw on October 14, 2004 12:54 PM

Moqtada al-Sadr is a prize-winning columnist and maniac, whose latest book is called Is It Just Me, or Is Jude Law Really Fucking Tasty? His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.


lol. the best....what a tasty treat....:)

Posted by: daniel frisbie on October 14, 2004 03:32 PM

You know way too much about this stuff.

Posted by: anomynoose on October 14, 2004 09:08 PM

Huh. Still not much of a response to this one. You better re-post it Ace.
:)

Posted by: lauraw on October 15, 2004 05:04 PM
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Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining
"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.
Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over
"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.
(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.


Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.
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