Ace's Dreadful Debate Drinking Game

Thanks to the contributors here for getting the ball rolling. I can't credit everyone by name -- it would interupt the flow -- but suggestions are derived from the comments in this thread.

I don't suggest that anyone actually play this drinking game. It's dreadful.

Rules:

* If John Kerry says "I've been very clear" on his unclear position on Iraq, sip.

* If John Kerry says "I've always maintained" this or that, chug.

* If John Kerry says "My one core principle is that I think I'd look pretty damn spiffy walking up the steps to Air Force One," ingest an entire bottle of shoe polish, "just to say you did it."

...

* If John Kerry says "W is for Wrong," drink.

* If John Kerry says "Q is for Quagmire," do an upside-down beer bong.

* If John Kerry says "C is for Cookie and that's good enough for me" and then begins devouring his lectern like a muppet with the munchies, get in touch with Liza Manelli's "back doctor" and claim you've got lower-lumbars in desperate need of realignment as well as a "kind mellowing."

...

* If John Kerry says he was a prosecutor in the eighties, take a sip.

* If John Kerry says he has served on the Senate Intelligence Committe since the eighties, do a shot.

* If John Kerry says he banged Morgan Fairchild in the eighties, quit your job and become a full-time binge-drinker -- the craze that's sweeping the nation -- because that just might get him elected President.

...

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by smirking, take a sip.

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by winking, chug.

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by inviting John Kerry to "pull his finger," get sloppy-drunk and begin calling up ex-girlfriends to ask them "Do you ever miss the good times, and/or my wiener?"

...

* If Kerry claims that Bush lacks the credibility to lead the world, drink.

* If Kerry claims that "foreign leaders support" him, chug.

* If Kerry recounts a three-way he once had with Charo and Yahoo Serious, go down to the NYU Drama School dormitory and see if you can't pick up a contact high.

...

* If John Kerry calls our allies a "phony colation," take a drink.

* If John Kerry calls our allies a "coalition of the bribed and the coerced," chug.

* If John Kerry calls Tony Blair "a mincing little sweetboy with a prep-school man-crush on George Bush," load up a syringe with a mixture of sodium pentathol and clarified Komodo Dragon poison and inject it directly into your frontal lobe.

...

* If Bush says "They hate our freedom," take a drink.

* If Bush says, "The Middle East will become safer once they get that 'whiff of freedom' in their lungs," chug.

* If Bush says, "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" and then breaks out into the na-na-nah-nah-nah chorus from Me and Bobby McGee, coat a live parakeet in Everclear and kerosene and then swallow it whole.

...

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Brian Dennehy, drink.

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of George Hamilton, chug.

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Benjaman J. "The Thing" Grimm, use a rubber-headed mallet to pound the your genitals into a pulpy oblivion until you see the "Star-Child" from 2001: A Space Odyssey and begin whispering "It's full of stars."

...

* If Bush pronounces "nuclear" correctly when referring to nuclear weapons, sip.

* If Bush says "nook-lar" when referring to nuclear weapons, chug.

* If Bush avoids the word "nuclear" entirely by calling nuclear weapons "sub-atomic clusterfucking whats-its," dip a fountain pen into a cup of liquified heroin and stab it straight into your pudendum.

...

* If John Kerry mentions Vietnam, use an envelope to inflict a paper-cut on your tongue.

* If John Kerry says that he won't allow anyone to "question his patriotism," cut off the pinkie on your off-hand, Yakuza-style.

* If John Kerry says "As a Vietnam veteran, I won't stand here as someone who served in Vietnam having my patriotism questioned by someone who did not serve in Vietnam, and that is the lesson of Vietnam, as I learned while serving in Vietnam as a Vietnam veteran in the Vietnam War patrolling the rivers of Vietnam," take out a two-man lumberjack's band-saw and inflict upon yourself an abdominal wound the approximate severity of that suffered by Quint at the end of Jaws.

And note: Apparently the Dems are mass-emailing to rig the stupid, unscientific on-line internet polls that don't mean a thing (although the responsible media will cite them anyway, just to fill time).

American Daughter has a list of the polls that they're planning on spambombing. It's so juvenile and childish, but I guess we have to spam-bomb back.

Honestly, this is so dumb.