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September 30, 2004

Ace's Dreadful Debate Drinking Game

Thanks to the contributors here for getting the ball rolling. I can't credit everyone by name -- it would interupt the flow -- but suggestions are derived from the comments in this thread.

I don't suggest that anyone actually play this drinking game. It's dreadful.

Rules:

* If John Kerry says "I've been very clear" on his unclear position on Iraq, sip.

* If John Kerry says "I've always maintained" this or that, chug.

* If John Kerry says "My one core principle is that I think I'd look pretty damn spiffy walking up the steps to Air Force One," ingest an entire bottle of shoe polish, "just to say you did it."

...

* If John Kerry says "W is for Wrong," drink.

* If John Kerry says "Q is for Quagmire," do an upside-down beer bong.

* If John Kerry says "C is for Cookie and that's good enough for me" and then begins devouring his lectern like a muppet with the munchies, get in touch with Liza Manelli's "back doctor" and claim you've got lower-lumbars in desperate need of realignment as well as a "kind mellowing."

...

* If John Kerry says he was a prosecutor in the eighties, take a sip.

* If John Kerry says he has served on the Senate Intelligence Committe since the eighties, do a shot.

* If John Kerry says he banged Morgan Fairchild in the eighties, quit your job and become a full-time binge-drinker -- the craze that's sweeping the nation -- because that just might get him elected President.

...

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by smirking, take a sip.

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by winking, chug.

* If Bush appears too damn cocky by inviting John Kerry to "pull his finger," get sloppy-drunk and begin calling up ex-girlfriends to ask them "Do you ever miss the good times, and/or my wiener?"

...

* If Kerry claims that Bush lacks the credibility to lead the world, drink.

* If Kerry claims that "foreign leaders support" him, chug.

* If Kerry recounts a three-way he once had with Charo and Yahoo Serious, go down to the NYU Drama School dormitory and see if you can't pick up a contact high.

...

* If John Kerry calls our allies a "phony colation," take a drink.

* If John Kerry calls our allies a "coalition of the bribed and the coerced," chug.

* If John Kerry calls Tony Blair "a mincing little sweetboy with a prep-school man-crush on George Bush," load up a syringe with a mixture of sodium pentathol and clarified Komodo Dragon poison and inject it directly into your frontal lobe.

...

* If Bush says "They hate our freedom," take a drink.

* If Bush says, "The Middle East will become safer once they get that 'whiff of freedom' in their lungs," chug.

* If Bush says, "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" and then breaks out into the na-na-nah-nah-nah chorus from Me and Bobby McGee, coat a live parakeet in Everclear and kerosene and then swallow it whole.

...

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Brian Dennehy, drink.

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of George Hamilton, chug.

* If John Kerry's skin coloration resembles that of Benjaman J. "The Thing" Grimm, use a rubber-headed mallet to pound the your genitals into a pulpy oblivion until you see the "Star-Child" from 2001: A Space Odyssey and begin whispering "It's full of stars."

...

* If Bush pronounces "nuclear" correctly when referring to nuclear weapons, sip.

* If Bush says "nook-lar" when referring to nuclear weapons, chug.

* If Bush avoids the word "nuclear" entirely by calling nuclear weapons "sub-atomic clusterfucking whats-its," dip a fountain pen into a cup of liquified heroin and stab it straight into your pudendum.

...

* If John Kerry mentions Vietnam, use an envelope to inflict a paper-cut on your tongue.

* If John Kerry says that he won't allow anyone to "question his patriotism," cut off the pinkie on your off-hand, Yakuza-style.

* If John Kerry says "As a Vietnam veteran, I won't stand here as someone who served in Vietnam having my patriotism questioned by someone who did not serve in Vietnam, and that is the lesson of Vietnam, as I learned while serving in Vietnam as a Vietnam veteran in the Vietnam War patrolling the rivers of Vietnam," take out a two-man lumberjack's band-saw and inflict upon yourself an abdominal wound the approximate severity of that suffered by Quint at the end of Jaws.

And note: Apparently the Dems are mass-emailing to rig the stupid, unscientific on-line internet polls that don't mean a thing (although the responsible media will cite them anyway, just to fill time).

American Daughter has a list of the polls that they're planning on spambombing. It's so juvenile and childish, but I guess we have to spam-bomb back.

Honestly, this is so dumb.

posted by Ace at 04:56 PM

Comments

hehehehe

"coat a live parakeet in Everclear and kerosene and then swallow it whole"

hahaha that is a brilliant bit of imagery!

great stuff, ace!

Posted by: Jennifer on September 30, 2004 06:10 PM

Thanks, Jennifer.

But don't try any of this at home.

Posted by: ace on September 30, 2004 06:13 PM

C'mon, don't be so hard on yourself-- these are great.

That Star Child line had me shooting my Dominion Ale out my nose. Like a Viking.

Good stuff, and ten times funnier than the other "games" I've seen go around today.

And Ace-- I'm not just saying that because it's time for your palimony payment.

Cheers,
Dave
Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave on September 30, 2004 06:18 PM

There is *one* thing Bush could say that would knock me to the floor: If he ever explicitely states that he "...agrees with the John Kerry position of "

Posted by: JHeslin on September 30, 2004 06:19 PM

/PIMF
There is *one* thing Bush could say that would knock me to the floor: If he ever explicitely states that he "...agrees with the John Kerry position of (pick a date)"

Posted by: JHeslin on September 30, 2004 06:20 PM

If Kerry's pedicure doesn't match his manicure, drink.

Posted by: eaglefan on September 30, 2004 06:27 PM

News is from Susan Estrich on Fox News that Kerry's debate preps involved having a manicure this morning. Estrich was howling with the Fox's Brit Hume....."Noooooooooooo! What was he thinking??" Not an auspicious start in Kerry's effort to connect with Joe Sixpack in Ohio tonight.

In honor of the "manicure", all those playing the drinking game get to chug a shot of Jack Daniels 1 hour before the debate starts.

ACE - BTW - I don't know if I can comply with the rules. I don't have a live parrot, but my neighbor has a parakeet I can down. But that would likely be the end of my girlfriend's putting up with me, and my neighbor inviting us to their Christmas Party!! And I am out of clarified pure Komodo Dragon poison.

Posted by: Cedarford on September 30, 2004 06:31 PM

Cedarford-- don't worry about lacking clarified pure Komodo Dragon poison. You can always substitute Mad Dog 20/20 for it.

Cheers,
Dave

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on September 30, 2004 06:39 PM

Sweet. Of course, I'm living in a section of Florida affected by the hurricanes and where you can not currently purchase alcohol (thank you big daddy government), so I guess I'll have to break out the Creme de Menthe to play.

Posted by: Scout on September 30, 2004 06:41 PM

RE: Spamming online polls:

I think refraining from counter-spamming might actually work better. I'd like to see the talking heads say, "An online poll at XYZnews.com shows 98% of viewers think John Kerry won the debate." The more successful the spamming, the more ridiculous the result.

Posted by: DTLV on September 30, 2004 06:52 PM

Thanks Dave! Out of MD 20/20 but the liquor store is still open. Haven't had that stuff since I was 17. Probably undrinkable, but I can use it stripping varnish off an antique bureau I bought.

As a pre-debate treat, Comely Miss Vipertongue, Ann Coulters column, http://frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=15315, which leads off with this zinger paragraph:

Recent polls show Bush ahead of Kerry by 9 points (CBS-NYT), 6 points (Gallup) or 3 points (Zogby). One Pew poll even put Bush ahead of Kerry by 16 points. The average of national polls has Bush 6 points ahead. Apparently, just like in Vietnam, it's taken Kerry only four months to piss off everyone around him.

Posted by: Cedarford on September 30, 2004 06:55 PM

Scout--

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

15 years old, at my buddy's house, first time I ever got drunk. We hit nearly every bottle in the liquor cabinet, but I distinctly remember downing most of the Creme De Menthe.

To this day, fifteen years later, I can *still* taste that stuff.

Don't do it-- your life is too important, pal.

Cheers,
Dave

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on September 30, 2004 06:56 PM

What about a shot for every time Kerry has his tounge sticking out?

Posted by: Uncle Jefe on September 30, 2004 07:15 PM

I think we should help them spam the polls, only liberals will believe the results and they might just decide their votes aren't needed. We're going to win, but a landslide like Reagan had (which we might get anyway) would be really sweet.

Posted by: Bullwinkle on September 30, 2004 07:17 PM

Ace,

You freakin' madman. You need a "don your depends" warning before posting this stuff. I was holdin' it pretty good till you dealt the Quint card from the bottom of the deck.

Posted by: Daisy on October 1, 2004 01:19 AM

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Top Headlines

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The killer, if it's the same man, would have been in his 20s when he killed the Black Dahlia and his 40s when he did the Zodiac murders. Possible.

A little caveat: I saw someone snark on Reddit, "The Zodiac case gets solved more often than Wordle." There are a ton of coincidences here, supposedly, like a Zodiac cipher being solved by the name "Elizabeth." Elizabeth Short was the name of the so-called Black Dahlia.

If you don't know about the Black Dahlia, don't look it up. Just accept that it's grisly on the level of Jack the Ripper.

Yes, the named suspect resembles the police sketch of Zodiac.

Here's a podcast with the amateur sleuth who claims he cracked the Zodiac.
Daily Mail article.
Link to get around the LA Times' paywall for their article.

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Have an ICEy Christmas!

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It continues to be strange that the police are so protective of his identity.

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Remember the bamboo from Part 1?

Do I ever! It's all I remember!

Well, bamboo is actually a type of grass, and underground, it's all connected in a sprawling network, just like the parts of this story I never wanted to tell. I wish I hadn't been put in this position, that I didn't have to write about any of this, that I didn't have to subject myself or my loved ones to embarrassment and further loss of privacy.

We're back to the fucking bamboo. Guys, I don't think I can pay for bamboo ruminations.
I think he added that because he was embarrassed about all the bamboo imagery from Part 1. He's justifying his twin obsessions: His ex, and bamboo. Which is not a tree but a kind of grass, he'll have you know.

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On Tuesday, the book arrived in stores. At lunchtime, in the Midtown Manhattan nexus of media and publishing, interest in Nuzzi's story seemed more muted. The Barnes and Noble on Fifth Avenue had seven copies tucked into a "New & Notable" rack next to the escalator, below Malala Yousafzai's "Finding My Way." Not many had sold so far, a store employee said.

A few blocks uptown, at a branch of the local independent chain McNally Jackson Books, a few volumes lay on a table of new and noteworthy nonfiction near the front of the store. No one was lining up to get them, or even browsing. Bookseller Alex Howe told CNN around 3 p.m. that though the store had procured "several dozen" copies, not a single one had yet sold -- a figure he said was surprising, considering how many people in media and publishing work in the area.

"We ordered a lot and so far, people have not been beating down the door," Howe said. "I'm not sure where we're gonna put them because right now, supply is outpacing demand." (A manager at McNally Jackson noted that Howe was speaking only in a personal capacity, not as a representative of the store.)

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This is how it is done. [CBD]