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September 27, 2004

John Kerry's Drinking Problem

Dave from Garfield Ridge wants to know what's up with John Kerry sipping at his beer like a kitten at spoiled milk.

A different Dave, this one from an Undisclosed Location, points out this series of "candid, spontaneous beer-drinkin' photos with regular guys" and notes, "He takes three “sips” and makes one toast (after which he presumably takes another “sip”), yet the only change in the beer is the head goes away."

Oh, well. Sipping at his beer is, I guess, better than chugging the Chivas.

Correction: Actually, both Dave from Garfield Ridge and an entirely different Dave -- this Dave from an Undisclosed Location -- tipped me to this.

I had thought that both were the same guy.

It's getting a little confusing.


posted by Ace at 02:01 PM
Comments



I saw the photo.

Kerry should note that there are two (2) ways to hold a beer mug. One, wrap your entire hand (four fingers, no thumb) around the handle. Like you're holding a torch, or a spear. Thumb goes into the "slot" between the handle and the hollow "cylinder" that holds the beer. Clench tightly.

Method Two, slide your entire hand (four fingers, no thumb) into the "slot." Thumb opposes the palm on the other side of the "cylinder."

One does not pick it up like an espresso demitasse and sip.

Posted by: bledsoe on September 27, 2004 02:34 PM

He would have done better to:

a) Guzzle the whole mug of beer in one long swallow.
b) Belch like a buzzsaw.
c) Repeat steps a and b three or four times. Laugh, swat his drinkin' buddy on the bad, and proclaim, "I gotta go bleed the lizard, boys!"
d) Repeat steps a-c until a Zen-like state of drunkenness is achieved.

Cheeseheads will respect no less.

Posted by: Monty on September 27, 2004 02:40 PM

Lord knows, I hate to give the man a break, but it could've been worse. At least he didn't stick his pinky out when he picked up the mug.

Posted by: Sean M. on September 27, 2004 02:41 PM

PIMF. "bad" = "back"

Posted by: Monty on September 27, 2004 02:41 PM

At times like this I feel bad that Dubya got off the sauce. He'd show Kerry how to hold his liquor.

Two words: beer bong.

Man, would that be great, or what?

Cheers,
Dave

P.S. Thanks for the tip, Ace!

Posted by: Dave on September 27, 2004 02:43 PM

I hate to play devil's advocate here but I believe there is a perfectly reasonable and nuanced explanation for J. "F***ing" Kerry's reticence to enthusiastically partake from his tall stein of ice-cold amber lusciousness. Knowing the importance of controlling the symbology elicited from a photo-op, the cerebral Sen. Kerry had to conduct an internal intellectual debate as to what message he wanted to send. Obviously, he wanted to convey that he is just one of the guys. But also, in drinking beer, he also wanted to convey that he is a manly man. However, being of Gaelic descent, he realized that real men only drink stout. So when Sen. Kerry was offered a pale ale, he determined that he would have to settle for the one-of-the-guys symbology only. And with further reasoning, he determined that people of his class don't really drink beer, except at lobster boils, so it was not necessary for him to actually consume the said liquid. After all, most of the bozos in the bar would be so awe struck by his mere presence that they would never even notice that he did not condescend to drink that pisslike swill.

Posted by: Bohemian Conservative on September 27, 2004 03:06 PM

I'm guessing it wasn't an imported beer.

I wonder if inquired about the availability of any brie?

Posted by: Master of None on September 27, 2004 03:24 PM

Hey, Bohemian,
In spite of what you may have heard (and what the Massholes have let themselves be deluded about for the last 20 years or so) John F'ing Kerry is most assuredly not "of Gaelic descent."

Posted by: Sean M. on September 27, 2004 03:39 PM

Dave?

Dave's not here.

Posted by: Phil on September 27, 2004 04:21 PM

It looks to me like the guy he's sitting next to is drinking a clear liquid. That means it's either water ("no way am I actually having a beer with this piece of crap") or vodka ("I need some way to dull the pain"), and either way Kerry is still a sissy.

Posted by: Sobek on September 27, 2004 09:06 PM

Hmmmmm...what about the possibility that he was downing beers like he was Kitty Dukakis and each picture was taken after a fresh one was placed in front of him?
Seriously, if you had to wake up every morning to the Ketchup Queen you'd be hitting the sauce pretty hard as well.

Posted by: Jersey Matt on September 28, 2004 10:29 AM
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