Ace of Spades HQ

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September 17, 2004

Best of: Special Ace of Spades HQ Guest Editorial

For some time, I've been casting about looking for guest contributors who could help shoulder the blogging load. Recently I received the following essay in an email, and I think the writer's words are important for all of us.

If You Touch My Hoagie One More Time, I Will Fucking Kill You

by Rich "Psycho" Giamboni
Special Guest Columnist for Ace of Spades HQ

If you touch my hoagie one more time, I will fucking kill you. I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean I will fucking reach across this table and literally, physically kill you.

You had your fun. You thought you were cute. You thought it was clown-time, and you were driving the little car. You touched the top of my turkey and provolone hoagie, and now I've had to rip off the piece of bread that you fucking contaminated.

Well I've got news for you, Chuckles. Clown-time is over. Now it's Psycho-Time. And if you touch my goddamned hoagie one more time, I'm going to fuck you up so bad you'll end up looking like Kuato from Total Recall.

Don't believe me? Think I'm joshing with you? Look at my face: I am not joshing with you, pal. I am deadly serious, and if you so much as fucking lay another finger on this sandwich you'll enter a world of hurt of beyond your very capability to conceive. No fuckin' foolin', you touch this hoagie one more time and I will spill life's blood all over this fucking Quizno's.

You finished your fucking cobb salad and now you're still hungry. Well, Poindexter, who the fuck told you to order that fucking cobb salad? I sure as shit didn't. You looked up at all the delicious, filling sandwiches you could have had and instead you went all queerbait on me. That was a mistake, amigo. That was a very bad mistake.

But I implore you-- if you value your very life, don't compound your error by touching my hoagie again. I shit you not, that will be the very last mistake you ever make.

Okay, okay. Now you're getting "funny" again. Now you're holding your hand a couple of inches away from my hoagie. Well aren't you cute? You're like a sixteen-year-old girl who just got her tits looking all sweet and ripe in her party dress. You're a doll, Susan. You're an absolute plum.

But if your fucking hand actually crosses the sandwich Rubicon, I am going to go apeshit up and down your spine. I am going to punch your fucking kidneys until you piss blood out of your fucking eyeballs.

Think I'm being farcical? Think I'm just "pulling your leg"? Right now I'm a 747 filled with only flying elbows and head-butts and I'm running an ad that says "Fly Me." You want to fly me? I offer Frequent Flyer Miles for fuckers who touch my sandwich. I'll take you to hell and back-- no extra charge.

You want to know how serious I am? You know that part in Dirty Harry when he says, "Go ahead, make my day?" Well imagine Clint Eastwood with a fucking turkey and provolone hoagie he's been looking forward to since 10:30 AM.

That's how fucking shit-serious I am, baby. You touch my hoagie again, I'm going to Dead Pool your grinning fucking face until I turn your brain into a slushing mess resembling gray applesauce.

I've got a little switch in my head. I call it my "Psycho Switch." And you're about to flip it. You flip that Psycho Switch, and I go into Full Retard Berserker Mode. I'll come at you with 100% retard-strength. I'll be all over you like a whirlwind of spazz-slaps and drool.

We don't have to go down this road, Chester. If you want a sandwich, they'll make you another one. Don't let your urge to nosh lead you into the grave. But if you want to play, we can play. I consider myself a bit of a "gamer."

So go ahead. Roll the dice. Let's see how all this plays out. But I warn you: This isn't Yahtzee. You won't be collecting pairs of fives. You'll be collecting your fucking teeth out of the Condiments Bar.

You're pulling your hand away now. Congratulations -- you chose wisely, my friend.

And now you're looking up at the menu-display over the cashier's heads. You're smartening up by the minute, Chief. Buy yourself a nice toasted ham and swiss sandwich. Ain't no lie, a nice toasted ham and swiss sandwich beats a trip to the morgue every day of the week, hands down. And that's the name of that tune.

Oh, and-- while you're up? Do me a solid and and grab me a pack of barbeque-flavor Ruffles. I forgot to get them. Thanks.

Rich "Psycho" Giamboni is an award-winning columnist for Hearst Newspapers. His most recent book is Take Back What You Said About Kevin McHale Or I Will Take a Shit in Your Jeep. His column appears here while Helen Thomas is vacationing.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah: This set-up is Onion-esque. So friggin' what? Psycho Giamboni can write what he wants.

Update: Of all the sports-fans that could have discovered this article and enjoyed it, why did it have to be Philadelphia Eagles fans?

New York Giants: 12-4 this season. You heard it here first. And also, last.

This will be the only time you hear this.

posted by Ace at 03:21 PM

Comments

But if your fucking hand actually crosses the sandwich Rubicon, I am going to go apeshit up and down your spine

Its time we take this shit to hollywood Ace.. You put together the script, and I take it to the right people.. Whada you say?

wheres joe?

Posted by: Arvin on September 17, 2004 04:02 PM

Psycho looks a darned lot like Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

I'm just saying...

Posted by: IgwanaRob on September 18, 2004 07:52 PM

Sounds like a retread of a De Niro rant.

Posted by: Helen Lewis on September 20, 2004 01:41 AM

I just nearly peed myself I laughed so hard.

Posted by: Matt on December 30, 2004 01:35 PM

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Chris
@chriswithans

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Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
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TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
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🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

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