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September 09, 2004

Top Ten Other Signs Dan Rather's "Documents" Are Forged

10. The letterhead on one document features rainbows, bunnies, and unicorns, as well as the legend "From the Desk of Chris Lehane," which, in retrospect, probably should have raised more eyebrows

9. Letters from military men usually conclude with the farewells "Respectfully" or "Sincerely;" CBS' letters concluded with "Party on, Garth!" and "Pull my finger"

8. Chemists have identified a substance on the documents as the stable isotope of elemental bearclaw (Krispykremeum 244); Michael Moore is currently sought for questioning as a "person of interest"

7. The President in 1972 was Richard M. Nixon and not, as one memo seems to imply, Frank "The Riddler" Gorshin

6. One memo misidentifies George Bush's unit as "the Decepticons," and incorrectly states he was grounded for "improperly transforming his plane into a giant space-robot without authorization"

5. Fiber evidence indicates the documents were transported in Sandy Berger's underpants

4. An addendum to one memo ponders whether Ross and Rachel will ever get back together

3. The documents refer to other military officers whose existence cannot be verified; a search of military records has not so far disclosed a "General Firstguy," an "Admiral Secondguy," or a "Lieutennant Colonel Phoney McFakerton"

2. At least two documents contain an inordinate number of direct quotations from 1999's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

...and the Number One Other Sign the "Documents" Were Forged...

1. While reading the documents during his report, Dan Rather kept giggling like a schoolgirl on goofballs

Special One-Time Triumph-of-the-Blogosphere Bonus Entry!:

0. In a move widely seen as a tacit acknowlegement the documents are in fact forgeries, CBSNews just hired a new producer to "supervise" Dan Rather: Vinny Falcone

posted by Ace at 11:54 PM

Comments

Can't...stop...laughing...must...breath...

Posted by: IdFaciam on September 9, 2004 11:59 PM

heh

Posted by: Jane on September 10, 2004 12:05 AM

I don't get it. I just don't get it. I mean, I'm in my form, here:

Does Dan like his job? Where's--what did we discuss at the last meeting?

I'll tell Dan: a bow or two, take it and end it. Eight things tonighto, okay--start with getting your wits correct, Dan. A pilot looks at the fucking runway, doesn't he, Dan.

What's it gonna be? If anyone wants to put me some fucking knowledge, I'm all ears. I don't care if you're Jesus Christ, Rather, you got it to good.

And if you got it good, you gotta make it good.

Loose. Fucking. Shit.

Posted by: cut me some fucking knowledge on September 10, 2004 01:42 AM

I think the real tipoff is that if you look closely , you'll see "© Karl Rove, 2004". on one of them.

Posted by: Raoul Ortega on September 10, 2004 01:50 AM

The handwriting for the signiture looked just like Joe Wilson's.

Posted by: Tom on September 10, 2004 05:33 AM

That's Dan Rather and CBS. I mean AP news reporters could have told you immediately it was forgery. I mean they found out that Schwarzenegger never saw Russian soldiers in Austria and one of their repoters heard booing at a pro-Bush rally after it was made public Clinton was in hospital.

Bring in the Clowns!

Read John Kerry's anti-American book The New Soldier and 4 chapters of Unfit For Command online for free

Posted by: Bonzo on September 10, 2004 06:43 AM

Apparently I'm a clown too. The link should be

Posted by: Bonzo on September 10, 2004 06:44 AM

Okay, the Democrats are toast in mid-September. Its a landslide. Nasty for them. Reaction? Well, the stress of metropolitics will ramp up, way up: the feral-liberal types and frustrated donors and fundraisers will NOT take it on the chin this time - prepare for ugly news, most likely an eruption of street violence, window smashing and other acts previously only perpetrated by the extreme-fringey-feral 'S11' protestors. Memo to metro Police -- check the CO2 riot gear!

Posted by: Rosco on September 10, 2004 07:15 AM

Further study of the documents lead to the discovery that they were typed on "Dukes of Hazard" stationary.

/Bloom County

Posted by: Al in L0uisville on September 10, 2004 08:56 AM

Shouldn't number 5 be: DNA evidence indicates the documents were transported in Sandy Berger's underpants.

Erk.

Maybe not.

Posted by: Allen on September 10, 2004 08:59 AM

Shouldn't it be "fiber and other, more substantial forensic evidence" re Berger?

Posted by: John on September 10, 2004 09:02 AM

Ace,

"Lieutennant Colonel Phoney McFakerton"

LOL!

Can't.Stop.Laughing.

Posted by: MeTooThen on September 10, 2004 11:34 AM

The Sandy "Sloppy Pants" Berger one was the best!

Posted by: Trace on September 14, 2004 11:34 AM

Stop it, stop it! You're killing me...

Posted by: Jaibones on January 7, 2005 08:25 PM