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August 20, 2004

Oliver Willis SAT's

Verbal Section. You will have twenty minutes to complete this section.

Analogies. For each question, select the answer whose word-pair most closely shares the same relationship as the given word-pair.

1. KRYPTONITE: STUPID::

A) Dexatrim: weight loss

B) salads: arterial health

C) neck-fat: blubbery insulation

D) bacon grease: delicious beverage

E) Oliver Wills: writing talent

2. LIBERAL BLOGGING: KNEEJERK HACKERY::

A) inventive comedy: 400th lame "fake news story" about Britney Spears

B) cogent analysis: Just linking whatever Josh Marshall just wrote

C) undeniable originality: still using soooo-1999 putdown "beeeyatch"

D) thoughtful substance: accusing Instapundit of a "right-wing smear"

E) Filet-O-Fish: tartar sauce

Math Section. You will have twenty minutes to complete this section.

1. In the equation,

(x + y)(x - y) = 9,

what is the value of x?

A) x equals 5

B) x equals -5

C) x equals 5 or -5

D) It cannot be determined without knowing the value of y.

E) What's a fellow have to do to get a Taco Bell Gordito around here?

2. Assume a parallelogram with angles, in clockwise order, A, B, C, and D. Angle A is 60 degrees and Angle B is 120 degrees. What can you conclude about the parallelogram?

A) Angle C measures 60 degrees

B) Angle D measures 120 degrees

C) Diagonals AC and BD are equal in length

D) All of the above

E) Is there some kind of hold-up on that Gordito?

3. You are rated, at best, a 2 as far as looks. You would like to insult a woman who easily rates an 8.5. How fucking idiotic is it for you to attempt to insult her based on her looks?

A) Really fucking idiotic

B) Somewhat fucking idiotic

C) Not fucking idiotic at all

D) 6.5

E) It cannot be determined without knowing the value of y.

Free Response Section. You will have twenty minutes to compose essays responding to the following questions.

Question 1. Would you like to Super-Size that?

If yes, why? If not, why not? Draw on your own reading and experience for evidence in support of your conclusion.

Question 2. A critic accuses you of being untaleted, unoriginal, unfunny, and generally uninteresting and unremarkable as a writer. He also notes that you would appear, upon first blush, to be the sort of man who really knows his way around a sausage sandwich. Compose an essay in which you seek to prove that these observations constitute an "assault on your race" or are otherwise motivated by bigotry. Bonus points will be rewarded if you can simultaneously cry "racism" while making an unfunny, gratuitous joke about the skin color of a woman of Filipino descent.

PENCILS DOWN.

THERE'S A GUY OUTSIDE FROM DOMINO's. DID SOMEONE ORDER A DEEP-DISH DOUBLE-CHEESE SUPREME?

posted by Ace at 03:05 PM

Comments

E,B,E,E,E

Essay Question: If they are breasts then yes I would like to super size that. And if you need to ask why then you must be McGreevy.

Posted by: on August 20, 2004 03:26 PM

E,B,E,E,E

Essay Question: If they are breasts then yes I would like to super size that. And if you need to ask why then you must be McGreevy.

Posted by: Cowtipper on August 20, 2004 03:26 PM

Sorry about repost I am an idiot.

Posted by: Cowtipper on August 20, 2004 03:27 PM

No way, Cow. The answer to #1 is D. As the guy on FoodTV says, pork fat rules!

Posted by: Tom on August 20, 2004 04:07 PM

That was somewhat cruel, yet funny. I wish we had a link to see the example of him mocking the 8.5, though ...

Posted by: Bill from INDC on August 20, 2004 04:17 PM

There's a link in the previous post. Scan down through the last post until you see the sentence (a big red link) about him making fun of someone's race and looks.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 04:18 PM

As Letterman used to say (back when he was funny), we're building a "Pyramid of Comedy" here. One course of humorous stones builds upon the last.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 04:19 PM

And the answer to Number 1 is not D. It's E.

The given word-pair has an "opposite" type of relationship. Answer choice D has a synonymic relationship, since bacon fat, at least to Oliver Willis, is in fact a delicious beverage.

The correct answer is E, as that word-pair -- Oliver Willis: Writing Talent -- also has an antonymic relationship.

Answer D is the "Joe Bloggs" answer.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 04:34 PM

This guy would never make it past the Uncle Sal story.

Posted by: Smack on August 20, 2004 04:55 PM

The Joe Bloggs answer? First E. Gary Gygax humor, now Princeton Review jokes...not your usual prime-time schtick, but it works.

Posted by: See Dubya on August 20, 2004 05:17 PM

Do you realize that in New York City there are whole families living in tenement apartments the size of Oliver Willis?

Oh, the humanity!

Posted by: djb on August 20, 2004 07:38 PM

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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