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August 20, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Flashback: Friday's Bonus Top Ten

Well, I kinda like my Bigfoot list, and I'm hoping for some fresh traffic.

So, maybe I'll put up this personal-favorite Top Ten that most of the new readers haven't ever seen.

"I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important.

"I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and a reflection of life, and I understand all that." -- John "The Pandering Princeling" Kerry

...from the special one-time Home Office in Compton, LA...

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry

10. Is on record as a staunch opponent of "frontin'" oil corporations, but supports small family-owned businesses which are "just tryin' to represent"

9. Frequently concludes anti-Bush speeches by dropping microphone and exposing his "Senator Thug" belly-tatoo

8. Never once worked for the man; got himself some high-payin' bitches and has just been pimpin' and chillin' with the bling-bling ever since

7. Pro-"jimmies," but favors controlling "nines"

6. Developed his own martial arts style combining elements of Korean Hapkiddo and pop n' lock "robot" technique of Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

5. Has dedicated his public life to helping working American families get the tools and assistance they need for raising their "shorties"

4. Starred in late-eighties "rap-com," The Fresh Brahmin of Beacon Hill; series featured frequent cameos by senior Senator from Massachusetts, DJ Pantless Ted

3. Wrote and co-sponsored SR 371, nicknamed the "Truth and Quality in Dropping Rhymes Bill;" bill had laudable goal of finally outlawing "suckah MC's who gots no skills," but was defeated by a posse of playah-hatin' Southern Republicans on a voice-vote

2. Known for always "keeping his pimp-hand strong" when negotiating in conference

...and the Number One Sign of Hip-Hop Influence Hip-Hop on John Forbes Kerry...

1. Ron Smart's XFL nickname, "He Hate Me," was actually borrowed from Kerry's 1992 Senatorial re-election campaign slogan, "He Legislate Me"

Update-- Runners Up:

During Impeachment Trial, gave impassioned defense of Clinton in which he pleaded with fellow Senators, "Don't hate the player-- hate the game"

Vietnamese hooker singing "Me So Horny" on 2 Live Crew's eponymous single is actually John Kerry's illegitimate 'Cong daughter

Think MC Hammer's originated those Sultan-of-Swoop parachute pants? Check out John Kerry's June 1988 appearance on Meet the Press -- notice anything familiar?

Accepted a 1997 BET Spirit Award for Lifetime Achievement on behalf of Klyymaxx

At 1999 Rap for Reproductive Rights, explained the importance of the constitutional right to abortion first announced in the seminal case, Rizzle Vizzle Wadizzle

At his acceptance speech at Democratic National Convention, Kerry gave much love to the Creator, all peace to JC, props to his producers No-Bonze and Jellything from Bad Boy Entertainment, and a special "shout-out" to his agent Myron G. Herskovitz

posted by Ace at 03:53 AM

Comments

My God, you cannot possibly be just be some shlub with a blog.

Stuff this funny has to be coming from a pro.

Fess up, who you really be?

Rizzle Vizzle Wadizzle

I almost Plotzed.

-sW

Posted by: SmugWump on August 20, 2004 08:32 AM

There is RC running down my exquisite Apple Display. SHAME SHAME SHAME!

Great as always, Ace. I would say that I want to be you when I grow up, but I am probably older than you!

Have a great day!

Posted by: Jennifer on August 20, 2004 08:40 AM

Channeling Homer:

#8: "It's funny, it's true"

Posted by: JFH on August 20, 2004 10:28 AM

Have a look at this one, Ace. I am sure you have already, but I think this one is pretty devastating. I am still trying to predict the response to this one. I think I know why Kerry is on the attack now.

Sellout: The Second Ad

Posted by: Jennifer on August 20, 2004 11:17 AM

Thanks all. A joke that causes plotzing is always a mitzvah.

My favorite was "He Legislate Me," but maybe the He Hate Me premise is too old at this point, or has always been too obscure a reference.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 01:37 PM

I'm glad I made this my first stop after work. A big laugh and wet pants are just what I needed.

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Posted by: Pete on November 4, 2004 11:06 AM

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

Hamas is Humiliating Trump's 'Board of Peace'
[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

Tucker Carlson is pretty sure Trump is a wizard

Ted Turner Dies At 87 [CBD]

Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!

TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder