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August 20, 2004

The Myths, Legends, and Tall Tales Begin Crumbling...

The New York Times desperately tries to pack the toothpaste back into the tube, but the truth is now out and it's not going away.

L to R: John Forbes Kerry, "Bigfoot." No reliable reports ever place either in Cambodia.

I hate to get ahead of myself, but as Leonardo DiCaprio said in Titanic just before the final rise and fall of the breaking ship: "This is it!"

Update-- Know Your Shaggy-Haired Apocryphal Creatures!

Top Ten Points of Comparison Between Alleged Humanoid Bigfoot and Alleged "War Hero" John Forbes Kerry

10. Bigfoot stands 8'3"; John Forbes Kerry, slightly taller

9. John Forbes Kerry sports an importantly-coifed mane of hair meticulously stylized by one of America's most expensive tonsorial artistes; Bigfoot once masturbated behind a Portland SuperCuts

8. Bigfoot subsists mainly on roots, nuts, and berries; John Forbes Kerry subsists cheifly on a diet of foie gras and lonely heiresses

7. John Forbes Kerry attended an exclusive Swiss finishing school and the tony St. Paul's Academy for Boys, and has all of the refinements that an elite education and aristocratic pedigree can provide; Bigfoot, by contrast, wipes his ass with tree bark and pumice

6. Bigfoot is alleged to have stalked and killed at least five Pacific Northwest hikers; John Forbes Kerry is suspected in only three such disappearances

5. John Forbes Kerry prefers the pasttimes of the idle rich, such as "kite-surfing" and "extreme biking;" Bigfoot is an ace at Pictionary and Boggle

4. John Forbes Kerry briefly dated actress Morgan Fairchild in the 1980's; oddly enough, so did Bigfoot

3. John Forbes Kerry enjoys fox-hunting with horse and beagle; Bigfoot employs less refined methods for killing small game, such as farting in gopher holes

2. John Forbes Kerry is a personal friend of Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary; Bigfoot once toured with Foghat

...and the Number One Comparison Between Bigfoot and John Kerry...

1. One is a shadowy, elusive freak of nature concocted by fabulists and childish imaginations; the other is called "Sasquatch" by North American Indians

Correction: Hondo points out that Kerry didn't attend Andover, but rather St. Paul's. I've corrected that mistake.

All other information in this Top Ten is, of course, completely accurate.

posted by Ace at 12:53 AM

Comments

NYT advises that "material offered as proof by these veterans is undercut by official Navy records".

So nuancy-boy, who bitterly denounced the American military as "war criminals", "reminiscent of Genghis Khan", and that paragon of objective journalism, the New York Times, now cravenly cower behind the records of that same military they both loathe.

Shameless. I had Kerry pegged for 12 states; you'll be lucky to get 10 now, nuancy-boy.

Posted by: Kirk on August 20, 2004 01:16 AM

Um, close the italics tag?

Posted by: Nathan on August 20, 2004 01:56 AM

Thanks. I fixed that.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 01:58 AM

Hey Ace,

Is there anyway you could put the Top Ten back the way it was for a sec? I was in the middle of quoting it, and I'm not changing my commentary at this late stage. You can maul it again when I'm done.

Please?

Thanks.

Posted by: the UNPOPULIST on August 20, 2004 02:47 AM

ummm... sorry, I can't. It's down the memory hole already.

If you tell me which number you're quoting, I can figure out the way it used to be, and tell you the old version.

Although several of the entries have changed multiple times.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 02:49 AM

you could also just quote the line as you had it, then state your commentary.

I think everyone will get it.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 02:51 AM

...farting in --- holes?

Posted by: on August 20, 2004 02:51 AM

Oh, yeah. I changed that because I came up with a better dump-joke.

The old version was something like:

John Forbes Kerry enjoys the pasttimes of the idle rich, such as "kite-surfing" and "extreme biking"; Bigfoot prefers the diversions of the common man, such as farting in golpher holes

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 02:54 AM

I did have a good snortsnicker at "farting in gopher holes." That's just wacky.

Posted by: see-dubya on August 20, 2004 03:01 AM

Gopher, right. I figured it was probably you wanted a balance of scat, old-switcheroos, etc.

It was, I think--to waste some of your time--the replacement of a funny line for the removal of the funniest one. But I'll live.

Thanks though.

Posted by: the UNPOPULIST on August 20, 2004 03:02 AM

hmmmmmmm...

Well, maybe I could lose a weaker one. I've already got a wiping the ass joke; I figured it was stretching it to have booth a poop and a fart joke.

I'll see about sticking it back in.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 03:06 AM

Okay, I lost the Intelligence committee line (true, but not funny), changed the "took a dump" line to work in a masturbation joke (hadn't used up my jackoff joke quota) and then reinserted the gopher hole line.

Thanks for the editorial comments. So much more helpful than I DON'T GET IT.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 03:11 AM

Good Yontif.

Link here.

[link edited by ace]

Posted by: THE UNPOPULIST on August 20, 2004 03:11 AM

Ah, the wonderment of the editorial process...

Posted by: Patton on August 20, 2004 04:15 AM

Foghat. Foghat!

Now that's quality. That's why I keep coming round here.

Posted by: blaster on August 20, 2004 06:31 AM

Damn Ace, you're a master of comedy.

Posted by: madne0 on August 20, 2004 07:20 AM

From the article:
---Quote---
Several of those now declaring Mr. Kerry "unfit" had lavished praise on him, some as recently as last year.
---End Quote---

This is a bad thing? Isn't it the same sort of nuance that would lead someone to go to Vietnam, then return home and portray U.S. forces in Vietnam as war criminals, and finally run for President on one's Vietnam record?

Posted by: Publius on August 20, 2004 08:40 AM

I DONT GET IT! IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? I THINK MOST PEOPLE RELATE GEORGE "CHIMPY" BUSH TO BIGFOOT THAN KERRY. CAN YOU EDIT THAT?

/usatoday

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on August 20, 2004 09:34 AM

Thanks, all. Much appreciated.

Blaster,

Yeah, Foghat is an awesome punchline. I just used that reference last month, and so I was trying to come up with something else, but really, you just can't beat Foghat, used before or not.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 01:38 PM

Bigfoot once masturbated behind a Portland SuperCuts

Sorry, no, that was actually Rasheed Wallace before the trade. The mistake's understandable.

Posted by: Brian B on August 20, 2004 01:48 PM

How about...

Bigfoot's foreign policy is "eat it, screw it, or piss on it", JFK's is the same except is starts with "Check with the French"...

Posted by: madmark on August 20, 2004 02:13 PM

Kerry went to St. Paul's not Andover. Otherwise, sweet.

Posted by: Hondo on August 20, 2004 05:40 PM

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

Hamas is Humiliating Trump's 'Board of Peace'
[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

Tucker Carlson is pretty sure Trump is a wizard

Ted Turner Dies At 87 [CBD]

Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!

TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder