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August 16, 2004

American Haiku: The Road to Hollywood

(jangly, American Idol-ish music plays)

MR. PAUL ANKA (narrating off-screen): They came from all over the country...

(video footage: Hundreds of haiku entrants lined up outside a convention center, many holding placards that say "Haikus Must Have Integrity!" or "Johnny Coldcuts Rules!;" they cheer as the camera pans across them)

They offered their haikus at our talent search locations in New York...

(ALLAHPUNDIT, reading his haiku before the panel of celebrity judges:)

Timing

Sid jizzed on my face
Before I was ready. His
Timing was suspicious.

They lined up in Los Angeles...

(American Idol wannabee WILLIAM HUNG reads his haiku)

She Bangs

She bangs. She bang.
She bang. She bang. She bang.
She bang the thing.

In Washington...

(OLIVER WILLIS gives the camera a thumb's up, then bites into a Filet-O-Fish)

At Dallas, Texas...

(Dave in Texas reads his poem)

.cc Obama

Two Americas?
My staff said just say there's one
Loose fucking shit here

And even in, um, "INDC"...

(BILL FROM INDC reads his haiku:)

Ah, ten year-old scotch
My face keeps getting wider
Thought the bitch could swim

But now it's time to separate the contenders from the pretenders, and find out who's going to Hollywood to be crowned the winner of this year's American Haiku.

The selection process was difficult, but our celebrity judges, Geoffrey the Duck--

GEOFFREY THE DUCK: Yo, yo, what's up dog?! You feelin' it?

-- Johnny Coldcuts--

(Johnny nods)

--and special Celebrity Guest Judge Simon Cowell --

(Simon Cowell, wearing a very tight shirt showing his dangling man-boobies, nods with a broad smile)

-- have narrowed down the field and given Tickets to Hollywood to the best rightwing political haikus America has to offer. And we'll start by showing you the Best of the Worst -- the entrants whose haiku talents didn't quite match their haiku ambitions. There was a lot of loose shit in the early-going:

(AUDITION HALL: A pale little pencilneck ultraliberal stands ready to read his poem; Johnny, Geoffrey, and Simon sit behind a table, drinking Coke from conspicuously-labeled glasses)

SIMON: And you are?

THE USA TODAY EDITOR: I'm Ann Coulter's editor from USATODAY.

SIMON: And what haiku will you be performing?

THE EDITOR: It's called "Beyond Befuddled."

SIMON: Right. Off you go.

EDITOR (reading from a loose-leaf page):

"Beyond Befuddled"

References I don't understand.
Mentions of "liberal" lose me in the fog.
IS THIS SARCASTIC? I DON'T GET IT.

(he looks up in hopeful anticipation)

SIMON: If I'm being honest, not good enough. Not good enough for American Haiku.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: When I look at you, I want to jump over the table and punch you in your friggin' throat.

EDITOR: Well, what's wrong with it?

SIMON: You are the haiku equivalent of Gigli.

EDITOR: I don't get it.

SIMON: Exactly.

CUT TO:

(A round pile of bellyfat waddles into the room, wearing a Washington Redskins t-shirt and cap)

GEOFFREY: And who are you now?

OLIVER WILLIS: I'm Oliver Willis. I'm like Kryptonite to Stupid. Boo-yah, biiiatch!!!

GEOFFREY: Uhhh, okay. "Boo-Yah," indeed. You're "street," all right. Your Dockers khakis tell me that much.

SIMON: And what will you be peforming for us?

OLIVER: It's called "Filet-O-Fish."

SIMON: Right. Off you go.

OLIVER:

Filet-O-Fish

Cod-patty, batter-dipt and
fried; a golden-brown treasure
in a blue polyfoam box.

(Oliver begins pumping his arms in victory) YEAHHH! YEAHHH! I nailed it!!! Boooooyahhhhh, biiiyatch!!

SIMON: (gestures broadly to indicate, "So what?")

GEOFFREY: What the fuck are you dancing around like a retard for, moron? It sucked.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS (softly): Filet-O-Fishes kind of make me horny.

(Geoffrey the Duck gives him a look)

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: What? It's not weird or anything. I'm a sandwich. What the hell am I supposed to bang?

GEOFFREY: Weirdo.

JOHNNY: You have sex with ducks.

GEOFFREY: Not duck sandwiches, though.

SIMON (to Willis): I'm sorry, but that's two "No's," Oliver. Thank you for your effort.

OLIVER WILLIS: Comedy is my real forte, anyway. I could do a couple of quick impressions. (launches into bad impression of Dana Carvey doing the first George Bush) Nah. Gahn. Do. It. Wouldn't be prudent.

(the panel just stares at him blankly)

OLIVER WILLIS: (doing Adam Sandler) Wait, wait. Look. I've got a -- I've got a-- I've got an ashtray for an arm. Look, I'm crazy ashtray-arm man. Give me some Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Hah, hah. You guys ever seen that sketch?

SIMON: Thank you. We've seen enough.

CUT TO:

(A stubble-faced chubby metrosexual, carrying a Starbucks coffee cup, walks into the room)

SIMON: And you are?

JOSH MARSHALL: My name is Joshua Micah Hezekia Bucephalus Kobyashi Boutros-Boutros Marshall.

GEOFFREY: We're just going to call you "Sparky," all right?

JOSH: I'd prefer my full given name: Joshua Micah Hezekia Bucephalus Kobyashi Boutros-Boutros Marshall.

GEOFFREY: Well, Sparkster, I'd prefer having a schlong the approximate dimensions and heft of a fungo bat, but we each take what life gives us.

SIMON: What will you be reading for us today, Sparky?

"SPARKY": I call it, "Sources."

Sources

My sources inform me
CNN has the goods on the Plame matter
I cannot say more at the moment.

(the judges seem bored and unimpressed)

GEOFFREY: I'm leaning towards "No."

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: It's the worst I've heard all week.

SIMON: Horrible. If you won American Haiku, it would be the death of the haiku industry as we know it.

"SPARKY": Well I think it was very good.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: And that's… your opinion?

"SPARKY": It sure is.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Let me tell you something about your fuckin' opinion, Sparky. When I want to hear "your opinion," I'll figure out what I think it should be, write it down on a piece of paper, wrap it around my cock, and then shove it straight up your ass for you. How's that sound, chum?

("Sparky" stamps off in a huff; Simon, Geoffrey, and Johnny giggle)

SIMON: Can I use that one on American Idol?

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Sure. It's not mine anyway. It's just something my grandma used to say. Kind of a lullaby.

CUT TO:

(Andrew Sullivan stands on the stage, in a shirt reading "I (HEART) Beagles")

ANDREW SULLIVAN:

Email of the Day

I agree with whatever
you said about the FMA.
You're a true independent.

GEOFFREY: Hmmmmm… I'm sort of on the fence on this one.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Me too. I could go either way.

SIMON: I agree with that. I'm still mulling this one over.

ANDREW SULLIVAN: Really? I have a shot?

GEOFFREY: Yeah. We're "independents" as far as your haikus.

SIMON: We just need money for "bandwidth upgrades" in order to make our decision.

ANDREW (deflated): Oh. Okay. You're being ironical.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: No, asshole. We're being "get the fuck out of here before I rip that shitty goatee off your face and stuff it up your nostrils."

(as Sullivan dejectedly shuffles to the exit)

GEOFFREY: "Ironical." Did you hear that? "Ironical."

SIMON: Even I thought that was gay.
(beat)
And I'm British.

GEOFFREY: Yes, British. And also-- gay.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Very, very gay.

SIMON: I'm not gay. I date supermodels.

GEOFFREY: Uh-huh. And I had tofu for lunch. But I really wanted the strip steak. Know what I mean, Nigel?

(Mr. Paul Anka, narrating:)But it wasn't all loose shit. Amidst the droning of uninspired haiku came the sound of hammers, slicing through the fuckin' competition:

SCOUT:

Gene Frenkle Part 1

Only prescription;
I gotta have more cowbell!
Gold plated diapers

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Yeah! Now that's what I call a fuckin' haiku!

(Geoffrey the Duck gives a standing ovation, clapping his wings together)

(But Simon seems unimpressed:

SIMON: Horrible. Awful. It was worse than Quentin Tarrantino guest-judging on American Idol.

GEOFFREY: You're crazy.

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: What was wong with it?

SIMON: I don't know. I mean, I listen to this haiku and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. It just lays there, useless and unappetizing. Sort of like a woman's genitals.

(Geoffrey and Johnny exchange a look)

SIMON: I look at a woman's genitals and I think, "Now what on earth am I supposed to do with this mess? It clashes with the throw-rugs and it looks like a cleaning nightmare."

JOHNNY: You know, the camera's running, Simon.

SIMON (clearing throat): Um, you know. The way straight guys like us sometimes look at a woman's genitals.

GEOFFREY: No, I don't know, Simon. Why don't you tell us?

SIMON: Oh, come on. Straight guys say things like that all the time. I've heard them.

GEOFFREY: Mmm-hm.

SIMON: Don't they? You know, when you're standing around in the, uh, I don't know, garage, working with, uhh, wrenches and such?

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Yeah. You date supermodels all right.

GEOFFREY (to Scout): Well, Scout, whatever issues Simon may need to work out for himself, you've got two out of three votes, and you know what that means.

SCOUT: I'm going… to Hollywood?

GEOFFREY THE DUCK: You sure are!

And haikus with both integrity and "conscious" kept coming…

(quick-cutting video montage of people reading their haikus:)

CHRISTOPHER CROSS:

Lefty bloggers shout:
"Big story coming! Hush hush!"
Crickets chirping still.

DAVE PASQUINO:

Deliverance

Edwards pumps his fist
Energetic and youthful;
Such a pretty mouth

NEW DEMOCRAT:

Untitled

My balls flap free; my
penis stands proud, strong, erect.
Ah, Provincetown.

SOME GUY AT THE DNC:

Balloons not falling on cedars

We need more balloons
There's not enough coming down
What the fuck you guys

CCWBASS:

Oliver Willis:
Ruminant explosions spread
Methane through the air.

JOHNNY CATBIRD:

John Kerry

For it. Against it.
For. Against. For. Um, against.
It's nuance, people!

(and)

Untitled

Here's our new weapon:
It fires principles at...
Why are you laughing?

(montage of the judges' decisions):

JOHNNY COLDCUTS: You're going to Hollywood!

SIMON: Well done. We'll be seeing you in Hollywood!

GEOFFREY THE DUCK: If you give me a handjob, you can come to Hollywood.

"PAGE SIX":

PSST - Hey, J. Kerry -
Affleck's banging your daughter
(it's the ugly one).

SIMON: That was extremely nasty.

PAGE SIX: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be.

SIMON: No, I like that. You're going to Hollywood.

There were even a few haikus that touched me on a personal level…

DAVE PASQUINO:

Vinnie Falcone

Vinnie counts to five,
Vinnie then counts out seven.
That's way it is.

NICHOLAS KRONOS:

Untitled

Integrity man--
Hammer-like, slicing water--
The hamster still lives!

These haikus -- and others of equal substance of character -- are all going to Hollywood to compete for the American Haiku Championship. Runners Up who demonstrate that they really want to keep their fucking jobs will receive prizes, and will be announced later in the week.

But only one can be named this year's American Haiku! The winner, announced after the Runners Up Show, will receive an exclusive contract to write haikus for a full year, being paid the prevailing wages in the industry (i.e., nothing).

But no matter who wins or who loses, always remember: I am the only fucking important one on that stage. Do you understand? I am the only fucking important one on that stage.

What did I say?

What did I fuckin' say?

Anka, Out!

(jangly music comes up)

(credits roll)

COPYRIGHT MMIV

A "WHERE'S JOE?" PRODUCTION

NO ANIMALS OR SANDWICHES WERE
HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS FEATURE.

posted by Ace at 04:12 PM

Comments

"JOHNNY COLDCUTS: Let me tell you something about your fuckin' opinion, Sparky. When I want to hear "your opinion," I'll figure out what I think it should be, write it down on a piece of paper, wrap it around my cock, and then shove it straight up your ass for you. How's that sound, chum?"

I am SO glad you didn't kill this guy. Best laugh I had all day.

Posted by: ccwbass on August 16, 2004 06:14 PM

Thanks. The big problem in writing for Johnny is that it's hard to come up with cursing that's actually funny or original.

It's easier to come up with sex stuff, but I can't make Johnny horny, because then that's Geoffrey the Duck's schtick.

I lead a very sad little life.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Posted by: ace on August 16, 2004 06:26 PM

SCOUT (another entry):

Deliverance

Edwards pumps his fist
Energetic and youthful;
Such a pretty mouth

Loose fucking shit there Ace, that's my Haiku, not Scout's.

Posted by: Dave Pasquino on August 16, 2004 06:30 PM

I checked the videotape, and you're right. Attribute it to an editing glitch.

Posted by: ace on August 16, 2004 06:33 PM

These big reality shows get shot and edited in a very short period of time, you know.

Posted by: ace on August 16, 2004 06:34 PM

I think the best thing about Johnnys line was that it came from his grandmother - or was I the only one who caught that? :)

Posted by: fat kid on August 16, 2004 08:13 PM

I didn't think that one was mine. I don't joke about "Deliverance." Ever. That movie scared the living shit out of me.

Posted by: Scout on August 16, 2004 09:47 PM

That could be taken two ways, Scout.

Posted by: Jim on August 17, 2004 10:32 AM

I like the American Idol format.
I'm all a-tingle for the next round.

Posted by: lauraw on August 17, 2004 11:41 AM

You hear that? I'm in.
Our bloodfeud ends here, Anka.
You are going down.

Posted by: Johnny Catbird on August 17, 2004 02:25 PM

"I look at a woman's genitals and I think, 'Now what on earth am I supposed to do with this mess? It clashes with the throw-rugs and it looks like a cleaning headache.'"

Still chuckling at this one.
Everbody knows that female genitalia goes with everything. Its the new black.

Posted by: lauraw on August 17, 2004 02:33 PM

Lauraw,

Well, I certainly think that.

Take it up with Cowell. He said it, not me.

Posted by: ace on August 17, 2004 03:39 PM

You're going to draw this out aren't you. Its killing me. I have to know who gets the C3PO phallus trading card. I GOTS TA NO

Mom's birthday. She'll just flip, I know it!

Posted by: lauraw on August 18, 2004 08:41 PM

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Posted by: reek on July 8, 2005 12:54 PM

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

Hamas is Humiliating Trump's 'Board of Peace'
[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

Tucker Carlson is pretty sure Trump is a wizard

Ted Turner Dies At 87 [CBD]

Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!

TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder