Vice Presidential Nominee John Edwards Announces New Campaign Theme

Promises to Make "Quality Hair-Care" Affordable for All Americans

I N D I A N A P O L I S, Indiana -- Newly-announced vice presidential candidate John Edwards returned to his presidential-campaign "Two Americas" speech today, condemning the Bush Administration for its lack of concern that 43 million Americans do not receive quality hair-care.

"We are living in Two Americas," the decadantly-coifed millionaire told a jubilant crowd of Democratic Party stalwarts. "In one America, the rich, priviledged, and white use top-shelf shampoos and conditioners to ensure a rich, luxurious sheen to their hair. In the other America -- the America of the middle-class, of minorities -- our fellow citizens are forced to choose from inferior brands such as Suave, and sometimes even the CVS store brand."

"This injustice must not stand," he thundered, running one hand through his coquettishly-dangling bangs.

Democratic strategist Susan Estrich hailed the selection of Edwards as bringing a "new energy" to the Kerry campaign, as well as "reminding all Americans of Dostoyevsky's famous admonishment: a society is judged by how well it treats its split-ends and oily or 'fly-away dry' hair-types."

Washington had been abuzz with rumors about Kerry's choice of Edwards after Edwards had recalled most of the senior staff that had served him in his abortive presidential run. Those rumors reached fever-pitch when he was reported to have met with Paul Mitchell and Vidal Sassoon, who were today named his foreign-policy and economics advisor, respectively.

"We will bring a new luster to the American dream," Edwards stated to reporters on the tarmac at a small Indiana airfield. "We will renew its sheen, and we will revitalize its vitality and bounce." He seemed nearly on the verge of tears as he concluded his remarks. "We will no longer have one America shut out from the American dream of gorgeously flowing locks, while the other America-- the America of Enron, Halliburton, and the KKK -- has moaning orgasms as it rubs Herbal Essences into its collective fat-cat scalp."

Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment.