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June 12, 2004

When Wonkette Stops Being Not-Funny, I'll Start Not-Writing About Her

But that day looks a long way off.

Wonkette is multitalented, by which I mean she is capable of being not-funny in a variety of formats. One of her favorite not-funny japes is to analyze the latest asinine warblings from chicbrit Tina Brown and "translate" their actual meanings.

Content Warning. Contains tasteless humor at Wonkette's expense.

This whole process is somewhat surreal; it's like watching one retard correct another retard on the correct pronunciation of "genre." Not to get all postmodern on you, but it's all very meta; one person with nothing to say but who thinks herself clever is deconstructing a very similar person with nothing to say but who thinks herself clever.

If Tina Brown's next column is about Maureen Dowd's last column, and then Wonkette deconstructs that column, I think the very fabric of the universe might begin to unravel due to the effects of a gravity-ripping singularity of ironic vapidity.

It's like masturbating to the thought of yourself masturbating. Sure, it's kind of fun to inject a little postmodern reiteration into onanism, but honestly, what's the point?

At any rate, here's my interpretation of Wonkette's latest interpretation of Tina Brown.

What Tina Says:

One of Ronald Reagan's unsung achievements is that he saved Vanity Fair.

What Wonkette Says Tina Means By This:

I am completely high.

What Wonkette Means By This:

I should see my gynecologist. Is it normal for one's genitals to smell like feet?

...

What Tina Says:

By March 1985, I had been editor in chief for a year, but [it]. . . was still in the throes of a severe identity crisis. . . Hoping for a deus ex machina, we got a president ex machina.

What Wonkette Says Tina Means By This:

The world revolves around me.

What Wonkette Means By This:

On the other hand, how can I be sure the problem isn't actually with my feet? Maybe they're the culprits.

...

What Tina Says:

At 6 p.m. March 20, 1985, I showed up at the White House with Harry Benson, the excitable Scottish photographer with toilet-brush hair who talks so much and works so fast he has managed to get six presidents to give up human moments of syndication gold for his camera.

What Wonkette Says Tina Means By This:

Elaborate but nonsensical metaphors will help stretch out this slim anecdote to fill an entire column.

What Wonkette Means By This:

I can't believe I get paid to type up my moronic little observations while I watch Cop Rock on Trio.

Barbara Bosson looks like she should have a big rack, but she doesn't. She shares that quality with Kathleen Turner.

Can I convince Nick Denton to pay me to write an entire 'nother blog on that subject? I'll have to get a friend to write me up a business plan.

...

What Tina Says:

"I love this song, honey," she said. "Let's dance." Her co-star replied with a line that might have been written for any number of vintage B movies: "We can't keep the president of Argentina waiting, Nancy."

What Wonkette Says Tina Means By This:

It surprises even me how easily I am impressed by celebrity.

What Wonkette Means By This:

I should shower up and head out to Georgetown. I hear that Michael "The Shield" Chiklis is going to be filming a PSA near The Third Edition. I'd like to see if he'll sign my ass.

...

What Tina Says:

The Reagans' moment of gaiety on the cover was a kiss of life for Vanity Fair. Coming when America was emerging from a long recession, the dancing presidential couple seemed to epitomize the buoyancy of American expectation. Reagan's theatricality always resonated that way. It was an instinctive collusion between imagery and national mood.

What Wonkette Says Tina Means By This:

I would make an excellent minister of propaganda.

What Wonkette Means By This:

Let me just wrap this post up so I can get back to the Sister, Sister marathon on the We Network. And then maybe I can see if Duane Reade carries some sort of feminine-spray Tinactin.

posted by Ace at 10:07 PM

Comments

HA!

Posted by: rdbrewer on June 12, 2004 10:28 PM

I'll admit to being secretly jealous of Wonkette. Like, couldn't I have done this.

The feet thing caused me to literally snort.

Posted by: milkmaid on June 12, 2004 10:39 PM

Not to get all hyper-technical or anything, but I believe it would be "postmodern recursion" not "reiteration." (I have a knack for seizing on the least important tidbits)

What is the correct pronunciation of "genre" anyway?

Note to self: make more Cop Rock references.

Posted by: george gaskell on June 12, 2004 10:54 PM

Nice insert of the Third Edition, but Wankette would never be caught dead in such a place. She's obviously much more of a Sequoia's tramp.

BTW, DC doesn't have Duane Reades, so I guess she's outta luck on her sprunt. (Spray and. . . you get the picture).

Dave
Arlington, Virginia

Posted by: Dave on June 13, 2004 01:12 AM

If I were Nick Denton, you would be my Wonkette.

(I don't mean that you have smelly genitals, just that I would pay you to write and I would shamelessly whore you everywher. Then again, your genitals just might smell. I have no way of knowing that.

Do they?)

Posted by: michele on June 13, 2004 06:43 AM

Wonderful.

Since I've sworn off Wonkette bashing, I'll just read you. Thanks!

Posted by: Bill from INDC on June 13, 2004 12:40 PM

I do everything Bill does. So me too.

Posted by: The Commissar on June 13, 2004 06:06 PM

Sounds like your describing my blog. Except that of course you're not.

Posted by: Jeff G on June 14, 2004 02:57 AM

poker me up

Posted by: poker me up on December 29, 2004 02:06 PM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

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