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« We Link, You Decide | Main | It's Not a "Recovery." It's a Boom. »
June 02, 2004

Here's What's Bugging Me Right Now

Content Warning: PG-13. Contains nothing but juvenile potty-mouth.

Another Content Warning: It's completely apolitical.

A Last Content Warning: I'm not sure this is even funny. It seems sort of funny to me, but what do I know? It's hard to judge your own schtick.


So. Like everyone else, I'm getting older.

I’m not liking it.

I was prepared for most of the things that happen when you get older. Hair gets a little thinner, a little grayer. You get a little slower, a little, rounder.

I was expecting all that. I’m all right with that. But something’s happened to me lately that nobody warned me about.

My main problem right now is with my, well, how to put this delicately?

My genitals. The problem is with my dirty, filthy genitals.

That's not very delicate at all. Let's call it my squadron.

Now, the lead pilot of the squadron, the guy who's on point, the shooter, he's still doing okay. Maverick -- that’s his call-sign -- Maverick’s doin’ just fine.

Actually, in some ways, he's doing better than ever. He's finally learned the virtue of patience and control and he now takes his sweet old time lighting up a target, rather than spraying the scenery with cannon-fire at the first sign of a bandit.

So, Maverick's okay. Don't you worry about Maverick.

The problem is more with the, um, wingmen.

I call them Goose and Slider. A pair of trigger-happy, devil-may-may care leathernecks who live life on the edge and play by their own rules.

Now, Goose and Slider used to fly a really tight formation. Wing-tip to wing-tip, if you will. A nice delta formation, a nice flying V.

But for the past, oh, five or six years now, I’ve noticed that Goose and Slider are getting a little… sloppy in their formations.

They used to fly at the same altitude. The same elevation. Level.

But lately they’ve been diverging a bit.

Now, Goose. Goose apparently is attempting to break Chuck Yeagher’s altitude record. He’s really elevating his game, if you know what I mean. Goose apparently is looking to reach the upper troposphere of the groin region.

Slider, on the other hand… Slider seems to have gotten entirely different orders from base commander.

I don’t know what he’s up to exactly, but it seems to be some sort of low-altitude scouting mission, maybe looking for troop positions by my knees.

What's he doing down there? I have no fucking idea. I think maybe he's trying to avoid radar or something.

So Goose and Slider-- or as I call them now, Droopy and Clutch -- used to form a nice tight tandem wing. A veritable Blue Angles exhibition in my shorts.

Now, I’ve got all of my business stacked up vertically over each other like DC-9’s over La Guardia.

And this isn’t just vanity. This isn’t just about the way I look down there now.
It’s not just out of an aesthetic appreciation for symmetry.

No, this offends my sense of social equality.

In the old, er, social structure, my guys were equals. They were peers. I liked that arrangement. It was democratic. Egalitarian.

It wasn’t this hierarchical, quasi-feudal regime of overlord and underling.

So there you go. I started out with a pair of genital Hardy Boys, joined at the hip and solving all sorts of crazy mysterious adventures with a combination of youthful exuberance and pluck, and now I’ve got a couple of round, wrinkly old men living in some sort of low-rent bunk-bed arrangement, a kind of downscale
testicular Odd Couple.

This is what's bugging me, right now.

Thank you.

posted by Ace at 03:41 PM
Comments



Perhaps what you need is some help from the Iceman. That would get Slider back into formation right quick.

Posted by: Jim on June 2, 2004 03:54 PM

Can't. The Iceman isn't allowed anywhere near my squadron. Let's just say don't ask, don't tell.

Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 03:57 PM

Um...report to a medic? Maybe that would help?

Phoenix

Posted by: Phoenix on June 2, 2004 04:08 PM

Dude...er...um....I really didn't need to read that.

Posted by: R.S. on June 2, 2004 04:11 PM

Wow, that was the second wierdest thing I've seen you write, Ace. The wierdest of course was when you weren't quite sure whether draping your testicles across another man's face was officially "deviant."

Posted by: Aaron on June 2, 2004 04:12 PM

I'm going to sit in a corner and think of nothing but baseball and cowbells to wipe my mind's palate clear of what I just read.

P.S. Put a real fucking warning up there if you have had any close encounters with a Russian "MIG" stories that you want to share. Peace.

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A mere 20 seconds googling and I've found the solution to your current testes-related woes. I'd offer a link to the site I found this at, but I fear spamming (which sounds really gross in a testicle-related thread). Good luck! (No need to thank me.)
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Posted by: ccwbass on June 2, 2004 04:18 PM

Dude...er...um....I really didn't need to read that.

...

Wow, that was the second wierdest thing I've seen you write, Ace. The wierdest of course was when you weren't quite sure whether draping your testicles across another man's face was officially "deviant."

I'm hoping to win a Peabody.

Look, if I have to discuss the intimate details of my ball-situation to catch me some Wonkette-level buzz, then, by gum, I'm going to discuss my ball-situation.

Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:19 PM

Does your high flyer ever go painfully off the radar?

Posted by: RapidTransit on June 2, 2004 04:25 PM

BTW, if anyone didn't like this bit, let me know. I can take a bad review; I've gotten lots of 'em.

Bad reviews are pretty useful, actually. This site is all about the audience. Building it, keeping it. If I screwed up with a dumb ball-post, it's a good thing to know that.

Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:31 PM

I can't decide whether that was funny, or TMI (Too Much Information). Probably both.

Posted by: Nick on June 2, 2004 04:45 PM


Well, if it helps, it's not true.

Goose and Slider are where they've always been. Slider slightly favors a lower elevation, but that's normal.

Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:47 PM

Maybe Slider is just trying to "buzz the tower."

(I agree with the others that this was...uh..."awkward" for you readers. Funny, but awkward.)

Posted by: Rob A. on June 2, 2004 04:49 PM

Ace, hot chicks and politics(pornitics) not hairy balls and dicks!

Posted by: Golden Boy on June 2, 2004 05:04 PM

Is naming one of your nuts "Goose" such a good idea?

Posted by: keggin on June 2, 2004 05:13 PM

Because Goose died, you mean?

But then, he had Meg Ryan.

Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 05:14 PM

Ace - y'mean to tell that Wonkette's page does give you "good tone"?

Posted by: sonofnixon on June 2, 2004 05:28 PM

Well, I liked it, but then, I've kind of got this habit of equating bawdy with funny.

The Top Gun references made it what it is, IMO.

Posted by: ilyka on June 2, 2004 06:41 PM

maybe it's just the military in me (where testicular humor is rather common, along with unusual poop stories and...well, pretty much anything socially unacceptable anywhere) but i thought this was funny. i'm glad it's fake, i'm not sure what the proper hallmark card for such a condition is, but still funny.

Posted by: francisthegreat on June 2, 2004 11:46 PM

Your nuts and my nips would get along perfectly.

Not that I'm suggesting anything....

Posted by: Da Goddess on June 3, 2004 01:18 AM

I'm with ilyka. I loved the Top Gun references.

But the f'n guffaw that caused hubby to investigate (it was loud) was the "DC-9's over La Guardia."

Bawdy = funny. Hey. We're all adults here.

Posted by: Emma on June 3, 2004 02:38 AM

You assume you have "a kind of downscale testicular Odd Couple". And you should NEVER assume because you make an aircraft carrier out of watching the submarine races. Or something like that.

Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog on June 3, 2004 03:34 AM

I think that was hilarious, I swear i almost peed myself. It's your blog you can say whatever you want.

Posted by: lisa on June 3, 2004 06:13 PM

Very good humor. But obviously you've never had to have a hernia fixed.

Posted by: Dave aka Wun Hung Lo on June 3, 2004 11:36 PM

Caramel macchiato right out my nose. All over my keyboard. Totally worth it. You can teabag me any time, babe!

Posted by: inkgrrl on June 4, 2004 10:42 AM

Hey Ace. Too bad it was made up. I had the perfect solution to your "problem."

BLAME THE JOO!

(And keep beating that F'ing cowbell!)

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Posted by: Kati I. on November 4, 2005 03:38 PM


Way to equality.-A few hours of mountain climbing turn a villain and a saint into two rather equal creatures. Exhaustion is the shortest way to equality and fraternity- and liberty is added eventually by sleep. ......

Posted by: marlow judah on November 6, 2005 11:30 PM


Not to perpetrate cowardice against ones own acts! Not to leave them in the lurch afterward! The bite of conscience is indecent. ......

Posted by: sigfried nobe on November 7, 2005 04:21 AM


Goal and path.- Many are obstinate with regard to the once-chosen path, few with regard to the goal. ......

Posted by: thorpe waverley on November 7, 2005 07:03 AM


The disappointed one speaks. I searched for great human beings; I always found only the apes of their ideals. ......

Posted by: lemuel marlow on November 7, 2005 12:03 PM


Way to equality.-A few hours of mountain climbing turn a villain and a saint into two rather equal creatures. Exhaustion is the shortest way to equality and fraternity- and liberty is added eventually by sleep. ......

Posted by: ferris giovanni on November 7, 2005 02:33 PM
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