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June 02, 2004
Here's What's Bugging Me Right NowContent Warning: PG-13. Contains nothing but juvenile potty-mouth. Another Content Warning: It's completely apolitical. A Last Content Warning: I'm not sure this is even funny. It seems sort of funny to me, but what do I know? It's hard to judge your own schtick. So. Like everyone else, I'm getting older. I’m not liking it. I was prepared for most of the things that happen when you get older. Hair gets a little thinner, a little grayer. You get a little slower, a little, rounder. I was expecting all that. I’m all right with that. But something’s happened to me lately that nobody warned me about. My main problem right now is with my, well, how to put this delicately? My genitals. The problem is with my dirty, filthy genitals. That's not very delicate at all. Let's call it my squadron. Now, the lead pilot of the squadron, the guy who's on point, the shooter, he's still doing okay. Maverick -- that’s his call-sign -- Maverick’s doin’ just fine. Actually, in some ways, he's doing better than ever. He's finally learned the virtue of patience and control and he now takes his sweet old time lighting up a target, rather than spraying the scenery with cannon-fire at the first sign of a bandit. So, Maverick's okay. Don't you worry about Maverick. The problem is more with the, um, wingmen. I call them Goose and Slider. A pair of trigger-happy, devil-may-may care leathernecks who live life on the edge and play by their own rules. Now, Goose and Slider used to fly a really tight formation. Wing-tip to wing-tip, if you will. A nice delta formation, a nice flying V. But for the past, oh, five or six years now, I’ve noticed that Goose and Slider are getting a little… sloppy in their formations. They used to fly at the same altitude. The same elevation. Level. But lately they’ve been diverging a bit. Now, Goose. Goose apparently is attempting to break Chuck Yeagher’s altitude record. He’s really elevating his game, if you know what I mean. Goose apparently is looking to reach the upper troposphere of the groin region. Slider, on the other hand… Slider seems to have gotten entirely different orders from base commander. I don’t know what he’s up to exactly, but it seems to be some sort of low-altitude scouting mission, maybe looking for troop positions by my knees. What's he doing down there? I have no fucking idea. I think maybe he's trying to avoid radar or something. So Goose and Slider-- or as I call them now, Droopy and Clutch -- used to form a nice tight tandem wing. A veritable Blue Angles exhibition in my shorts. Now, I’ve got all of my business stacked up vertically over each other like DC-9’s over La Guardia. And this isn’t just vanity. This isn’t just about the way I look down there now. No, this offends my sense of social equality. In the old, er, social structure, my guys were equals. They were peers. I liked that arrangement. It was democratic. Egalitarian. It wasn’t this hierarchical, quasi-feudal regime of overlord and underling. So there you go. I started out with a pair of genital Hardy Boys, joined at the hip and solving all sorts of crazy mysterious adventures with a combination of youthful exuberance and pluck, and now I’ve got a couple of round, wrinkly old men living in some sort of low-rent bunk-bed arrangement, a kind of downscale This is what's bugging me, right now. Thank you. posted by Ace at 03:41 PM
CommentsPerhaps what you need is some help from the Iceman. That would get Slider back into formation right quick. Posted by: Jim on June 2, 2004 03:54 PM
Can't. The Iceman isn't allowed anywhere near my squadron. Let's just say don't ask, don't tell. Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 03:57 PM
Um...report to a medic? Maybe that would help? Phoenix Posted by: Phoenix on June 2, 2004 04:08 PM
Dude...er...um....I really didn't need to read that. Posted by: R.S. on June 2, 2004 04:11 PM
Wow, that was the second wierdest thing I've seen you write, Ace. The wierdest of course was when you weren't quite sure whether draping your testicles across another man's face was officially "deviant." Posted by: Aaron on June 2, 2004 04:12 PM
I'm going to sit in a corner and think of nothing but baseball and cowbells to wipe my mind's palate clear of what I just read. P.S. Put a real fucking warning up there if you have had any close encounters with a Russian "MIG" stories that you want to share. Peace. Posted by: sonofnixon on June 2, 2004 04:17 PM
A mere 20 seconds googling and I've found the solution to your current testes-related woes. I'd offer a link to the site I found this at, but I fear spamming (which sounds really gross in a testicle-related thread). Good luck! (No need to thank me.) The scrotum can be made to appear larger and fuller by a simple surgical procedure. This can be done separately or together with penile enlargement. The scrotal wall actually consists of seven separate layers. By carefully injecting the patient’s own fat between these layers, the scrotal size increases. The amount of increase depends on the amount of fat used and this can be customized to the patient’s needs and wishes. Even small amounts of fat can make a significant difference. This procedure is in its developmental stage. Early results indicate a high degree of patient satisfaction. A larger series is need[sic.] before certain questions are resolved: 1. How long does fat in the scrotal wall last? So far, in the first six months none appear to have resorbed but longer-term observation is necessary. 2. What effect does the operation have on sperm count? So far there appears to be no effect on sperm count but we need to wait longer to be sure. At present we are limiting the procedure to men who have no intention or desire to father a child. Sperm production decreases when the testicles become warmer. It is theoretically possible that injected fat could act as an insulating layer, raise testicular temperature and lower sperm count. So far, so, good, but we don’t know for sure. 3. Cancer of the testicle is very rare. Testicular cancer usually is first suspected when the patient feels a nodule. Depending on how much fat is added, the ability to feel a nodule may be decreased. If any suspicion exists, diagnosis can be made by CT scan or ultrasound. Careful pre-operative examination is done, with semi-annual repeat examination and repeat CT and/or ultrasound examination. The operation is done in about 30 minutes. The patient returns to work in a day or two. Discomfort is minimal. Scrotal enlargement alone costs $4300. If penile enlargement is done at the same time, scrotal enlargement costs $ 2300. Additional liposuction of the abdomen, “love handles” and pubis can be done, if desired, for a small added fee. Length and girth penis enlargement can also be conveniently performed. [And if you ask nicely, your co-pilots can even get a nice perm - ed.] Posted by: ccwbass on June 2, 2004 04:18 PM
Dude...er...um....I really didn't need to read that. ... Wow, that was the second wierdest thing I've seen you write, Ace. The wierdest of course was when you weren't quite sure whether draping your testicles across another man's face was officially "deviant." I'm hoping to win a Peabody. Look, if I have to discuss the intimate details of my ball-situation to catch me some Wonkette-level buzz, then, by gum, I'm going to discuss my ball-situation. Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:19 PM
Does your high flyer ever go painfully off the radar? Posted by: RapidTransit on June 2, 2004 04:25 PM
BTW, if anyone didn't like this bit, let me know. I can take a bad review; I've gotten lots of 'em. Bad reviews are pretty useful, actually. This site is all about the audience. Building it, keeping it. If I screwed up with a dumb ball-post, it's a good thing to know that. Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:31 PM
I can't decide whether that was funny, or TMI (Too Much Information). Probably both. Posted by: Nick on June 2, 2004 04:45 PM
Goose and Slider are where they've always been. Slider slightly favors a lower elevation, but that's normal. Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 04:47 PM
Maybe Slider is just trying to "buzz the tower." (I agree with the others that this was...uh..."awkward" for you readers. Funny, but awkward.) Posted by: Rob A. on June 2, 2004 04:49 PM
Ace, hot chicks and politics(pornitics) not hairy balls and dicks! Posted by: Golden Boy on June 2, 2004 05:04 PM
Is naming one of your nuts "Goose" such a good idea? Posted by: keggin on June 2, 2004 05:13 PM
Because Goose died, you mean? But then, he had Meg Ryan. Posted by: ace on June 2, 2004 05:14 PM
Ace - y'mean to tell that Wonkette's page does give you "good tone"? Posted by: sonofnixon on June 2, 2004 05:28 PM
Well, I liked it, but then, I've kind of got this habit of equating bawdy with funny. The Top Gun references made it what it is, IMO. Posted by: ilyka on June 2, 2004 06:41 PM
maybe it's just the military in me (where testicular humor is rather common, along with unusual poop stories and...well, pretty much anything socially unacceptable anywhere) but i thought this was funny. i'm glad it's fake, i'm not sure what the proper hallmark card for such a condition is, but still funny. Posted by: francisthegreat on June 2, 2004 11:46 PM
Your nuts and my nips would get along perfectly. Not that I'm suggesting anything.... Posted by: Da Goddess on June 3, 2004 01:18 AM
I'm with ilyka. I loved the Top Gun references. But the f'n guffaw that caused hubby to investigate (it was loud) was the "DC-9's over La Guardia." Bawdy = funny. Hey. We're all adults here. Posted by: Emma on June 3, 2004 02:38 AM
You assume you have "a kind of downscale testicular Odd Couple". And you should NEVER assume because you make an aircraft carrier out of watching the submarine races. Or something like that. Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog on June 3, 2004 03:34 AM
I think that was hilarious, I swear i almost peed myself. It's your blog you can say whatever you want. Posted by: lisa on June 3, 2004 06:13 PM
Very good humor. But obviously you've never had to have a hernia fixed. Posted by: Dave aka Wun Hung Lo on June 3, 2004 11:36 PM
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| The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines
Compilation of Naked Gun intros
That theme gets me charged. Compilation of all Police Squad! openings. They're all the same except for the last few seconds where they reveal the Special Guest Star and the title(s).
Pitch Meeting: Amazon's new, terrible War of the Worlds
I don't know why these tech monopolists spend so much money on ripoff/sequel/remake slop. I like popcorn entertainment but is it legally required to be terrible?
Lost 90s Mystery Click: College Radio Edition
Well you look fantastic in your cast-off casket At least the thing still runs This nine to five bullshit don't let you forget Whose suicide you're on. Also: You wax poetic about things pathetic As long as you look so cute Believe these hills are starting to roll Believe these stars are starting to shoot ![]()
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Garrett's Favorite Band Edition
Everybody wants you Everybody wants your love I'd just like to make you mine, all mine
Baylor Coach Dave Aranda Apologizes for 'Ableism' After Using the Word 'Midget'
Well, he is also disabled...he is a eunuch [CBD] I'm frankly surprised the title is 107 Days. I would have thought it would be:
Soft weak poop from the early 80s Mystery Click
I never liked this song, but it is memorable. In a weak, annoying way. The kid's in shock up and down the block The folks are home playing beat the clock Down at the golden cup They set the young ones up Under the neon light Selling day for night It's alright Nobody rides for free (nobody, nobody) Nobody gets it like they want it to be (nobody, nobody) Nobody hands you any guarantee (nobody, nobody) Nobody
Flashback: UCLA allows terror-supporting thugs to set up and maintain checkpoints to keep Jews out of campus buildings
More video of the anti-Jewish checkpoints A major university allowed this and defended this.
Earthquake off Russian coast sends tsunami waves towards Hawaii:
Nick Sortor Coastal evacuation ordered in Honolulu Warnings for the California coast as well. Impact expected at 12:15
Former CIA operative John Kiriakou talks with Matt Taibbi about the Brennan/Comey Coup
Both guys are old liberals, maybe even of the far-left variety, and both are appalled by the Democrat/Deep State coup against the US. Kiriakou says that CIA officers were legally obligated to report to the Inspector General John Brennan's repeated overruling of actual intelligence to encode his partisan conspiracy theories into US intel product, but of course they didn't.
Jonathan Turley nails it: The rise and fall of John Brennan [Hat Tip: dhmosquito] [CBD]
American Eagle Outfitters has a new ad with Sidney Sweeney, and you are going to like it. [CBD]
Seattle woman takes Navy's Blue Angels to court over social media censorship and 'acoustic torture' of cat
A literal cat lady! [CBD]
OG Blogger Jeff Dunetz passes at age 67
I thought I told everyone to stop dying.
Legendary wrestler and great American Hulk Hogan passes away. Love ya brother. [Weirddave]
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Thanksgivingmanship: How to Deal With Your Spoiled Stupid Leftist Adultbrat Relatives Who Have Spent Three Months Reading Slate and Vox Learning How to Deal With You You're Fired! Donald Trump Grills the 2004 Democrat Candidates and Operatives on Their Election Loss Bizarrely I had a perfect Donald Trump voice going in 2004 and then literally never used it again, even when he was running for president. A Eulogy In Advance for Former Lincoln Project Associate and Noted Twitter Pestilence Tom Nichols Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: If You Touch My Sandwich One More Time, I Will Fvcking Kill You Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: I Must Eat Jim Acosta Special Guest Blogger Tom Friedman: We Need to Talk About What My Egyptian Cab Driver Told Me About Globalization Shortly Before He Began to Murder Me Special Guest Blogger Bernard Henri-Levy: I rise in defense of my very good friend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Note: Later events actually proved Dominique Strauss-Kahn completely innocent. The piece is still funny though -- if you pretend, for five minutes, that he was guilty. The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility The Dowd-O-Matic! The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) Archives
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