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January 09, 2006

Chris Klein Romance Watch

He's so over his ex-fiancee he has to announce his new crushes in the tabloids:

He says, "Charlize Theron (leaves me tongue-tied). I've met her a few times now and she's always left me completely lost for words.
"She's wonderful and so beautiful."

Chris Klein? Tongue tied? The devil you say.

I like how the writer had to (paraphrase) The Eloquent One's words about being tongue-tied. He probably was speaking pubescently and made no sense at all there.

What a lucky woman Charlize Theron is. What woman doesn't want to date a male-ish version of the Alien Borg Queen from Star Trek: Insurrection?

Update: I'm over her, I mean honestly, I'm like sooooo totally over her, I barely ever think about her, ever, except that I can't seem to stop talking about her:

We get it, Chris Klein. You've moved on from your days with Katie Holmes.
Still, the "American Pie" actor can't seem to keep from publicly pining about his former relationship with Tom Cruise's baby's momma.

After telling "Access Hollywood" in November that he wasn't bitter and had moved on, Klein, 26, told himself the same thing recently on AP Radio:

"It's a time that I'll always look back with … fondness, but her and I have moved on."

I'd feel bad for him if he didn't have this thing going on that's working for him.

A lot of the women in Hollywood need a Daddy. And they call him "Daddy," because they're hungry.

But Katie Holmes doesn't. Not hungry. And maybe she needed a little more placating.

Not Gay: The A-Man thinks Holmes was a beard. How the hell does a man so embarrassingly pine for a woman, publicly no less, if he's gay?

Is the A-Man suggesting that Klein is actually smart enough to cover up one embarrassing secret with another fake embarrassing secret?

Surely he can't be suggesting that.

The A-Man, natch.

posted by Ace at 03:29 PM

Comments

Presumably this means she's an 8-10.

But is she so hot that he'd be willing to placate? That is the question.

Posted by: Allah on January 9, 2006 03:34 PM

Enjoy the show. I'll be here all week.

Posted by: Open Tags on January 9, 2006 03:34 PM

Hey, thanks for the attention, but get out of my face.

Posted by: Charlize Theron on January 9, 2006 03:42 PM

Allah,

I guess we'll just have to wait until CT is on her priod, and she starts retraining water. When she asks CK if she's looking good, his answer will reveal whether he placates or not.

Posted by: Jack M. on January 9, 2006 03:47 PM

I'd crawl naked on my hands and knees though a desert of broken glass just to rest in the shadow of the truck that takes her panties to the laundry.

I think I've said enough.

Posted by: harrison on January 9, 2006 03:49 PM

BUZZ! Wrong answer...there is no "Alien Borg Queen from Star Trek: Insurrection." The "Borg Queen" was in Star Trek: First Contact.

And thanks for ruining the movie for me.

Posted by: jwr2 on January 9, 2006 03:53 PM

I wanna know what the fuck's up with Tony Blair's wig? Look like he's been wondering about Mary too much.

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 9, 2006 03:56 PM

tongue tied? i thought all he has to say is "hello". what's so damn hard about that? alpha-heterosexual my ass

Posted by: ramms on January 9, 2006 03:57 PM

Curse my lack of typing skills!!!

"Priod" is in fact "Period". Otherwise, it would seem CT was riding around in a goofy hybrid automobile or something.

"Retraining" is in fact "retaining".

I blame Bush, and Spurwing Plover, for these obvious errors.

Posted by: Jack M. on January 9, 2006 03:57 PM

Ace's choice of photos captures Klein's fagginess nicely. But check this out, courtesy of today's Google News search.

No way this dude's straight. Katie Holmes = professional beard.

Posted by: Allah on January 9, 2006 03:58 PM

C'mon, Jack-- shouldn't you blame the Joooooos?

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 03:58 PM

Theron is not that attractive, IMO. On top of it, she's kind of a weepy liberal, which is uber-unattractive.

Who cares about Chris Klein anyway?

Posted by: rho on January 9, 2006 04:01 PM

Charliz Theron and Chris Klein would have to go to SOUTH AFDRICA to get merried and then have SOME KIDS

Posted by: spurwing Dave in Texas on January 9, 2006 04:04 PM

Allah the link to the pic you posted of Chris Klein looks like a young Kevin Spacey and we know how that turned out.

Posted by: JackStraw on January 9, 2006 04:12 PM

"Theron is not that attractive, IMO. On top of it, she's kind of a weepy liberal, which is uber-unattractive."

rho,
I don't want to TALK to her.

Posted by: harrison on January 9, 2006 04:15 PM

Ever since I saw Theron in Monster, I keep thinking: "That's how she looks at 6AM before the guys in the makeup truck get to her." Give her ten years and a slowly-degrading movie career, and she wouldn't need any makeup to star in that movie. (Plus Christina Ricci looks like some freaky big-headed troll-doll. Seriously: even a lesbian would have some second thoughts about that huge meaty head Ricci carries around.)

Posted by: Monty on January 9, 2006 04:15 PM

Nah, I don't blame the joooos for much of anything.

That's not the way I roll.

Remember when I posted my "Proud Friend of Israel" button on "All Along the Blogtower" and dedicated it to Cedarford?

Of course you don't.

But I do. It was the only time that SOB ever came over to troll, lol. Man, he was pissed off. I got about a 4 comment streak (about 4,000 words) explaining how I was a neo-con tool and liked to "take it" from my Zionist Masters.

Good times. Good times.

Posted by: Jack M. on January 9, 2006 04:17 PM

Ricci's got nothing on that Helena Bonjovi Carter chick. Me and my gal call her "Blockhead."

John Paul Jones is 60?

Posted by: John on January 9, 2006 04:19 PM

I blame the Jooos. . . for great cooking. Seriously, have you ever had yourself good knish? To die for.

BTW, I miss Cedarford. With the new laws in BushHitler's America, we could've thrown him in jail for his behavior here at Ace of Spades HQ.

That woulda been nifty.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 04:21 PM

Monty, you spend time looking at Ricci's *head*? You wearing a neck brace or something?

Although, admittedly, Ricci does have that Stewie head of hers. . .

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 04:27 PM

How the hell does a man so embarrassingly pine for a woman, publicly no less, if he's gay?

Anyone else remember Rosie O'Donnell's enormous crush on Tom Cruise?

Posted by: Gene on January 9, 2006 04:29 PM

Man, we're not even two weeks into January, and we've had--what? Maybe six stories featuring the Alpha Male Heterosexual?

I predict that 2006 will be the Year of Chris Klein. Which, needless to say, will be very exciting.

Posted by: utron on January 9, 2006 04:32 PM

Monty, you spend time looking at Ricci's *head*? You wearing a neck brace or something?

Oh, I'm not saying I wouldn't ride that mare like Secretariat if the occasion arose; I just think she has a freakishly huge noggin. Now Thora Birch...oh, man. Don't get me started; it makes me feel like a dirty old man. I'm like twice her age.

Posted by: Monty on January 9, 2006 04:46 PM

I'm sure this is a stupid question... by WTF is a "professional beard"?

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 9, 2006 05:01 PM

WTF is a "professional beard"?

I'm guessing it's a woman who is paid (or compensated materially in some way) to be a closeted gay man's partner.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim on January 9, 2006 05:09 PM

madfish - a beard that gets him more acting jobs

Posted by: SarahW on January 9, 2006 05:11 PM

Or in the context of Allah's comment, a woman who makes a living by serially partnering up with gay men to maintain the men's facade of alpha-hetero manguy.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim on January 9, 2006 05:16 PM

I'd crawl naked on my hands and knees though a desert of broken glass just to rest in the shadow of the truck that takes her panties to the laundry.

Ummm...no. That sort of devotion is to be reserved only for the female Singularity herself, Mélissa Theuriau.

Behold, thy work day is at an end!

Posted by: Fred on January 9, 2006 05:19 PM

Hmm. I wonder how many people pegged Karol for a beard when she went to see a certain film with a couple of guys a few weeks ago.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 05:29 PM

Thanks Sue & Sarah

I kind of thought so, but couldn't figger out what was the connection to the word "beard", as I know there has just got to be some smart-ass, juvenile reason to use that particular word.

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 9, 2006 05:30 PM

hehe... Just clicked over to the link - that guy looks like PeeWee - no wonder he needs a beard!

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 9, 2006 05:33 PM

"That sort of devotion is to be reserved only for the female Singularity herself, Mélissa Theuriau."

Fine. Works for me. I'm pretty easy.

Posted by: harrison on January 9, 2006 06:13 PM

Man, what does it say about you when Tom Cruise knocks up your beard?

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 06:29 PM

Man, what does it say about you when Tom Cruise knocks up your beard?

Nothing good, homes. Nothing good. Which is why Klein has taken his show on the road to show what a stud he is. I mean, whether he's gay or straight hardly matters: Tom "Xenu Will Eat All of You" Cruise knocked up his old lady! I'll bet Klein curled up in a corner and cried like a little girl when he heard that. Gay or straight: that's gotta burn.

Posted by: Monty on January 9, 2006 06:36 PM

Especially after that long sexless relationship they had going, too. I mean, daaaaaymn. Girl tells him she's gotta wait until marriage, and then Tom Cruise comes along . . .

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 08:47 PM

The borg queen isa liberal just listen to everything the borg say the borgs are liberal

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 9, 2006 09:45 PM

Anyone dissing the Borg Queen needs to check out Ghost Story and appreciate a fine redheaded lass.

Posted by: epobirs on January 10, 2006 01:21 AM

Thanks Fred - that hit the spot.

Posted by: geoff on January 10, 2006 01:30 AM

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I wouldn't click on it, it's not interesting, it's just stupid clickslop. I just want to share my annoyance with you.

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Classic Rock Mystery Click
This is super-obscure and I only barely remember it. Given that, I'll give you the hint that it's by the Red Rocker.
And I guess you think you've got it made
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Sarah Longwell spotting

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thanks to stevey

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David French just posted:

Populists ask what conservativism has ever conserved?
Well its about to conserve birthright citizenship!
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I couldn't hate this queen of the cuck-chair more if it paid seven figures and came with a corner office.

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In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.

In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.

Artemis moon shot a go, scheduled for 6:24 Eastern time tonight
Great marketing arranged by Amazon to promote Project Hail Mary. Okay not really but it does work out that way.

TJM talks John Boorman, director of Excalibur

Good rickroll

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

Finish the job, Mr. President!
Melanie Phillips lays out the case for the total destruction of the Iranian government and armed forces. [CBD]