I actually thought of sending you this link last night. But then I said, "Nah. I send him this piece of shit and he'll shoot me another e-mail saying, 'What's with these crappy links?' "

So you're into the crap now. Duly noted.

I've linked about 60% of what you've sent me. Damn, you're like a chick.

I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to figure out your tastes. Like a whore, I need to know what my clients are into.

Uh, could you two act anymore gay?

Uh, could you two act anymore gay?

What, it's not like they went and saw Brokeback Mountain together or something.

we had a vaginal buffer. everything was planned out in advance.

Speaking of which, you'll be proud to know that I learned the term "homo seat" from this web site.

yes, and filling the "homo seat" with some primo pooter increases its efficacy tenfold.

The homo seat... which led me to invent the term "homo urinal" when a friend of mine and I walked into a public restroom which had three urinals. I thought of it and explained the term to him right then.

The restroom also had some stalls, one of which was occupied, it turned out; a guy walked out of one of them giving me a very funny look, as if it were strange that I was saying the phrase "homo urinal" to my friend who I was peeing next to, but not directly next to, as we were separated by the homo urinal.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share.

Maybe. But Allah is going around saying he held the popcorn.

it's Boston Irish's term, actually.

it's Boston Irish's term, actually.

Then what do straight guys call it?

Well "homo urinal" is a sandy b original. For the record.

Well, it's not like that's the first derivative. I'm so straight that if a friend and I are driving separate cars to the same place, I insist on having a "homo car" in between us, just so no one gets any faggity ideas.

If you have to have a homo urinal, aka, a sandy b., in every men's room, you might as well just have an empty space between urinals.

nah, the side-by-side arrangement is good. It lets us spot "them" easier.

It's like a little test.

If the only free urinal is the homo urinal (not also known as a "sandy b"), then it's OK to use it. The point is that it's the last choice. The urinal of last resort. So, if two men are to choose between three urinals, they choose they outer two, respecting the law of the homo urinal. But if three men are present, all urinals are fair game. Thus it was written.

Sitting next to a guy fully clothed bothers you. But, standing next to a guy fully exposed doesn't?

I don't know... sounds a little gay to me.

There's always the street, or a telephone booth.

Sitting next to a guy fully clothed bothers you.

It doesn't bother me. I think the whole thing is stupid. But it's social convention. These are the laws we live by.

Speaking of BBM, I can imagine what the upcoming Oscars are going to be like.

The urinal situation bothers me more than the homo-seat problem. And I agree with Sandy: if the only free urinal is the middle one, it's cool to take it. If not, not.

The worst is when a guy walks into the men's room right in front of you when all three urinals are free -- and he chooses the middle one, thus necessitating side-by-side urination. FAG!

Allah, you shouldn't have called Ace a "chick." From what we've been able to crack of the spurwing plover code is that chick/chicken/anything poultry related is a very very bad thing.

anyone remember this thing from National Lampoon about what kind of guy you were depending on how close you stood to the author in a line of urinals?

Like, right next to him, you were gay, and he's like "Back off, buddy, there's only room for one in this thing."

Two urinals down and "You're okay... I think."

If you took the one all the way on the other side, six urinals away: "What's that, buddy? Got something you're ashamed of in your hand? Why don't you come down over here and watch a REAL MAN take a piss?"

Pretty funny.

Six urinals away sounds ideal to me. Two urinals down and he can still proposition you.

I never saw that. If I were gonna do urinal humor, I'd try to address the concept of "stagefright".

Test your knowledge and see if you're man enough to hang with Sandy B.
Click me.

And another.
Drink nation.

It's 2 a.m. This is what to do at 2 a.m.

Awesome links, Bart. Although I disagree that urinal six is the correct choice in problem one of the first link. When you leave that much space, it's almost like you're accusing the guy at the first urinal of being a homo. As though you need to keep him as far away as possible.

Urinal five is clearly the better option under such circumstances.

Urinal five is clearly the better option under such circumstances.

Damn straight.

In one of them, urinals 4 and 5 were occupied so I went for 1 because it had the most buffer space. Plus, the guy in 5 was peeing with his hands behind his back. But 1 was incorrect. The game said 6 was better bc it was nearest the door. Doesn't make sense to me.

Anyone remember Asshunter?

Anyhow, just thought I'd share.

See, Sandy, I've kinda been wondering if you were a guy or a girl. Thanks for clearing that up.

I guess I thought you might be a girl because my mother's nickname was "Sandy" (from her maiden name "Sanderson"). So of course I was having crazy sex fantasies about you.

Now it appears you use urinals.

*sigh*

Here is a picture of me. Enjoy those crazy sex fantasies, Michael.

Dick Cheney used to make Tom Daschle sit on what he called his "homo seat". He never fully recovered.

Great links, Bart!

Kinda scary that you can come up with those so fast.

Question: You walk into a bathroom with 7 urinals. Michael is using the urinal in the middle. Which one do you use?

Since I'm gushing like Allah after three Zimas...

At work, my boss' boss' boss doesn't understand that guys don't like to talk in the restroom while either one of them has his willy out. The dude has actually walked right up, chosen the "homo urinal" right by mine, and started asking me about important business issues, while I was trying to take a leak. I don't even remember what I told him; just whatever I thought would shut him up the fastest. It was awful.

For the sake of the ladies, who are probably mystified by male public restroom etiquette, let me explain. You can talk at the sinks; that's OK. (No need to over-do it, though.) But you may not talk at the urinals. Or, for God's sake, when one of you is in the stalls. The little guy comes out, the chit-chat stops. Period. That is the law.

Answer: You're in the wrong restroom. Go back out, and this time go into the men's room.

You're half-right, Sandy. The correct answer is to turn around and run. Do not walk, run.

Other rules: Never ever chat-it-up in the shower at the gym while soaping up your nether region.

Don't get caught in a conversation with a naked man in the locker room. It will look like you're hanging out in the locker room to talk to naked men. If naked man initializes a converstion, politely excuse yourself and exit the locker room.

By the way, an easy way to spot the homo/perv at the gym: He's the guy who spends an inordiante amount of time in the locker room wearing nothing or only a towel.

This guy will shit, shower, and shave. *(The shower will take about 30 minutes. Many other male showerers will come and go during the homo's shower. He will be very friendly and greet all who enter the locker room with a friendly nod.) He will brush his teeth. He will clip his toenails.
Lotion will be applied. Magazines will be read. Blow drying the hair will last for a half-hour.

I can't believe the Courtesy Flush hasn't made its appearance here.

And, what the fuck? Didn't this start out about T-shirts?

Shit dicks.

I guess I thought you might be a girl because my mother's nickname was "Sandy" (from her maiden name "Sanderson"). So of course I was having crazy sex fantasies about you.

Oh boy, Michael has crazy sex fantasies about someone because that person has the same name as his mother...

A: If Michael's judging the next poetry contest, then I'll stand in the urinal next to him and wrap his package in applewood-smoked bacon, singing "Windy." But, and this is a big but, someone has to fix, or create, Ace's trademark banner, for, when I open this page, it doesn't come into existence.

Peeing shouldn't be this complicated. If you really have to go bad and run into the restroom, do you grab the first available urinal? Or, or do you stand there at the door, paralyzed while carefully considering the rules and regulations associated with urinal choice and chance wetting yourself?

As for the T-shirt thingy... UT royalties are expexted to double this to 8 million due to the national championship.

Shawn,

Straight men never "wet" themselves. Further, no men piss themselves unless passed out because nature has provided us with a handy little apparatus that lets us piss where we want. Finally, it is instinctual. You just know where to go. If you don't know where to go, then you are not a straight man or in a foreign culture where the homo urinal is not so obvious.

Finally, the homo urinal is the last option, after all of the stalls have been checked. Stalls, by the way, are for men with stage fright and men who understand that the homo urinal is not an option when their is an open stall - no matter who might shit their pants.

The key is that there always be an odd number of urinals and unless someone has already broken the convention (requiring an immediate recalculation to place yourself at least one urinal away from that asshat and in the least likely spot to have a neighbor). If all chose odd, then there should never be a problem until the stalls are full of people and the sinks are full of piss.

Bart,

You're putting waaaaaay too much thought into this whole thing. Everybody knows the "naked guy" from high school gym class. You know, the first one undressed, the last to leave, walks around everywhere naked.

They're called exhibitionists.
Doesn't mean they're gay.

I dunno, LC. Wouldn't your basic weenie-wagger want to flash his junk at women? I know the guy Bart's talking about--he doesn't even have to be buff or anything. He's just normal-to-a-little-muscular in my experience. But man he sure takes his time getting his freaking clothes on.

I like the way our host pretends he doesn't know what happens to T-shirts nobody wants.

RE: The HOMO URINAL

Are these trick questions? --- If your gay friend chooses to disrupt the heterosexual symmetry of a prime numbered outfitted bathroom then the solution is clear...

take a leak standing up in the nearest stall and leave your gay friend alone.

btw, this whole thread is like a online sausagefest. couldn't we get lauraw or RWS to break up the circle ?

But you may not talk at the urinals.

Yet in every movie/tv program there is the obligatory urinal scene with two guys chit chatting.

"Yet in every movie/tv program there is the obligatory urinal scene with two guys chit chatting."

Those movies/tv programs are made by gays. Duh.

What movies/tv programs is Shawn watching?

Based on his viewing patterns, I think I can safely predict what his "TIVO recommends" list would look like.

Also, you would be surprised how many (allegedly) straight men seem not to understand this convention. Very disturbing.

I like the way our host pretends he doesn't know what happens to T-shirts nobody wants.
Posted by spongeworthy at January 6, 2006 08:56 AM

lmfao!

Re: the homo urinal

Doesn't this whole thing become even more complicated at the urinal "trough" at the stadium? Now you've got to gauge correct distance, and really focus on looking right at the wall in front of you.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. Don't say "hey, nice dick" to anyone.

The courteous one learns his courtesy from the jackass who doesn't respect the homo-urinal.

Turkish Proverb

You can say it to yourself, however.

They dont beleive in winners becuase it might hurt the feeling and selfasteim of those who lose phooie when they do lose the losers should learn from thier mistakes and do better next time then maybe they will win

Yeah! You weenies who are too afraid to say, "Nice dick!" to your neighbor just: dont beleive in winners becuase it might hurt the feeling and selfasteim of those who lose phooie when they do lose the losers should learn from thier mistakes and do better next time then maybe they will win

I would rather lose the right to free speach than use the homo urinal.
- Thomas Jefferson

"They dont beleive in winners becuase it might hurt the feeling and selfasteim of those who lose phooie when they do lose the losers should learn from thier mistakes and do better next time then maybe they will win"

Damn, fella. The way you cut through the crap. Wow.

I swear to all that is holy that if Spurwing is not elected President in '08, I will collect all of his wisdom for the post-apocalyptic age. I can get someone to put it in Hebrew, but I'm going to need help with the Greek, Latin, and Chinese translations.

It sounds better in the original Mongoloid.

Here are the man rules for making a bam.

1. Men don't use the paper covers, if it's that bad, follow your primal instincts and squat. The paper just sticks to your ass cheeks and nothing good can ever come from something sticking there.

2. Courtesy flushes. If you have to smell it, why shouldn't everyone else? Be proud of those chili nachos you had, you paid for 'em.

3. Talking is prohibited, unless you've known the guy for at least 10 years. Or in special cases where you've got the trots and didn't check for TP. If you must talk to a stranger, you are obligated to stay in the can until he leaves the restroom.

4. Drop a piece of TP in the toilet before you start your transaction. This checks that a. you have TP, b. you don't get the dreaded "splashback".

5. Never fold your TP, just wad that chit up. Only women and the French fold. A good scrunch will leave subtle pockets and ridges to scoop up and remaining "klingons".

6. A new fashion recently is for places to have bottles of lotion in the bathroom. Don't touch these. Ever.

7. Never take the handicapped stall unless it's the only one left. Only liberals do this. If you must take the handicapped stall, don't dally, get in and get out. I like to have a relaxing trip to the pool to drop the kids off, but that poor cripple may shat himself while you read the WSJ. That my friends is NOT compassionate consarvatism.

8. If you take reading material in the john, you are obligated to leave it for the next man.

9. When at the sink, wash your hands. Never wash your face or get a drink of water. That's just gross.

10. Thou shalt never, ever, ever take food into the restroom. This should be self explainitory, but if you can't wait to get back to whereever it is you eat, you should have gone beforehand.

Hate it when the homo urinal is the only option and you take a deep breath and grab it, and as soon as you step up to the plate, someone on the side hits the flush and bails. Then others come in not knowing you did your best to follow the rules. Hate it.

It sounds better in the original Mongoloid.

I do suppose that that will be the lingua franca of the post-apocalyptic age, considering what I've seen of text messaging and online chats.

I can't laughing at the idea of 1 million Rwandans wearing "USC COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONS 2005" shirts.

In the just released Iraq Index by Brookings, Internet subscribers are at 147,000 up from a prewar level of 4,500. Surfing that nasty Iraqi porn. Sweet.

Internet subscribers are at 147,000 up from a prewar level of 4,500.

I'd guess that many of these subscribers are really internet cafes, so the total number of regular or semi-regular internet users is probably higher than 147000.

btw, this whole thread is like a online sausagefest. couldn't we get lauraw or RWS to break up the circle ?

Well, Michael dropped in. Doesn't that count?

Tall Dave,

It would only be about 300 Rwandans. They only make up the first batch of stuff, with either team as champions, for the players and their families and I guess some lucky people in the stadium. The rest of the stuff starts getting churned out in the midnight hour after the game.

Bart,
You're putting waaaaaay too much thought into this whole thing.

Log Cabin, he's put way too much thought into a lot of things. Has he asked you about your father yet?

Womens do SO scrunch up their tp. I would never fold mine. Holy crap. It would take half a roll.
Always take the handicapped peeps stall. It's bigger and has more buffer space between you and the other shitters. It also establishes your seniority. If you're there, you can just about wait anybody out.
You MUST courtesy flush, which is tough if it's the motion sensor toilet. You need quite strong thigh muscles.

I'll confess that I fold the paper. But I am not french.

Also, I never read in the loo. I've never understood the practice.

So, How do you explain all of the Ron Jeremy t-shirts I saw on little kids and old ladies in Cuba?

Many times I have left a two stall bathroom when one of the stalls is occupied. I've always taken the position that I don't need a co-pilot when I am doing my business. Thats just how I roll.

Doesn't the courtesy flush have the same results as a bidet?

A paper products salesman once told me there are three types of wipers: 1) Folders, 2)Wadders, 3)Wrappers... and they all use approximately 30" of paper.

Doesn't the courtesy flush have the same results as a bidet?...only with shitty water!! D'oh!

Oh, no, Log, the dude I'm talking about is not the high schooler who's comfy in his own skin and is curious for some homo-eroticism.

The guy I'm referring to is an adult at a health club. He's the guy who's still walking around in a towel (or not) from the time I take my pre-workout piss and my post-workout piss.

He's a homo. He's definitely looking for a date. You don't need "gaydar" or have to be a rocket surgeon to figure out his motives.

By the way, I've been to many gyms. Every gym has at least one of these guys.

Also, I never read in the loo. I've never understood the practice.

Huh. I've got a magazine rack in my bathroom.

Magazine rack! Is that all?

Up here in the technology capital of the world, most houses have news stands. Flip on the light switch and it's Extry! Extry! Read all about it....

Give the kid a quarter and he'll shine your shoes, too.

Remember as kids we used the term WE WON BUBBLEGUM THEY LOST APPLESUACE?