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December 07, 2005

An Open Letter to Dictators

Please, excuse me, but I feel that an open letter stands the best chance of making it past your cronies and yes men, those toadies too afraid to tell you what you need to hear.

Let me start off by asking you a simple question. What is wrong with this picture? (putting aside the checkered-head lunatic in the background)

I’m sure some of you are saying “Well, it’s obvious. Where’s the tie?”

Sure, a dictator has to look good AND convey formality. But the casual look has its merits. Much like the software CEO who comes to work in jeans and a turtleneck, a causal look can signal you’re above the rules. You’re in control, but not uptight about it.

Also, the suit-no-tie is a clean look. Even if you’re an old fuddy-duddy, think about it for casual Friday round the compound/palace. Just putting it out there as an option.

But that’s not my beef. Try again.

“Aha, the medals! Where are the medals? Without mine, I’m naked.”

True, but you can’t really fault Saddam here. Captivity and all that. While I agree with the general sentiment that ‘if you can’t wear rows and rows of flashy gold medals, what the point of awarding yourself them anyway?’ I would caution aginst excess. There comes, very early in the medals game, a point of diminishing returns.

But that’s not it either. No. My beef is with the finger.

“The finger?” you ask. Yes, the finger. Or rather, it’s elevation. Its placement. Nothing signals, “I am a ridiculous third-rate dictator” like the finger above the head. E.g:

You know who can pull off that look? Comic book super-villains and visitors from the future traveling with dire warnings we must change our ways. Forgive me, but regardless what your cronies tell you, you are neither.

“But, Hitler…..” Sure, we all remember the shots of Adolph mid-speech, finger above head. But that was a different age, one more receptive to dramatic gestures and “Fatherlands’ and all that. Just more romance in the air. Men wore hats. We live in a different era, one where irony abounds, big-time.

T.V has changed everything. As with the Shakespearean stage-legend making the transition to film, the new medium cries to you ‘less is more.’ The gestures that were perfectly fine, even necessary, to convey fear to the back of the stadium are, on the intimacy of the small screen, overbroad, and, frankly, hammy.

But not just hammy. Crazy. They recall Frank Costazna (a character from an older U.S. sitcom given to irrational outburst.) And a 'Frank Costanza' does not rule nations.

Don’t believe me? Try this simple test. Go to your children and forcefully say these words: “I am your father and I command you to clean your room!” The result: One clean room, coming right up.

Now wait two weeks, let the roomy dirty itself as is the course with children, and repeat those same words. This time, finger aloft. A clean room is not forthcoming. Giggles and eye-rolls are.

I am not kidding. Try it. (If you have no kids, thy this on some of your advisors. Get them liquored up first. Just remember, after they laugh, have them killed.)

Now why do you think the nation you have under your boot (just primed for a light-hearted chuckle at your expense) is gonna respond any differently?

A regime can withstand many things. Eye-rolling is not one of them.

So what’s a dictator to do? A good rule of thumb, or should I say, rule of finger (ha, ha. little joke, there) is to keep your digits below ear level. Once the finger starts to creep above the top of the ear, the crazy starts to accumulate. Work at it. Practice in the mirror. Case in point: Kruschev.

The message here? “I run a country with an iron fist and I AM NOT CRAZY!”

Someone needed to tell you.

posted by Dr. Reo Symes at 03:35 PM

Comments

Of course, Kruschev's restrained use of the finger was usually only a precursor to his taking off his shoe and banging it on the podium for emphasis.

Posted by: Alex on December 7, 2005 03:45 PM

Excellent tip.

When gesturing at or below the jawline, an extended finger adds power. Above the jawline, a clenched fist signals unimaginable horrors in store.

Remember it with this catchy ditty:

Close your fist above your ear
To make your foes quake with fear.
Pointing up into the sky
Makes them giggle like they're high.
Until you make the streets flow red with the blood of the Joooooooos.

Posted by: Pompous on December 7, 2005 03:49 PM

Is Saddam using hair dye? I swear he is.

Posted by: on December 7, 2005 03:54 PM

taking off his shoe and banging it on the podium for emphasis

"We will bury you!"

Yeah, that had sane and stable written all over it...

Posted by: sandy burger on December 7, 2005 03:56 PM

What is wrong with this picture?

No handcuffs

Posted by: max on December 7, 2005 04:05 PM

Handcuffs hell; no stun belt and duct tape is more like it.

Posted by: Alex on December 7, 2005 04:10 PM

That dude in the back looks like he's giving a South-Central-style shout-out to his homie for keepin' it real.

Posted by: Monty on December 7, 2005 04:15 PM

Reminds me of Rock Paper Saddam.

Its not old Dave - Its Classic. Like Jennifer Anistons tits.

Posted by: Atomic "You dont know Tiger Hand"Amish on December 7, 2005 04:27 PM

Auditions for the new spokesman for Midas?

"I will NOT pay a lot for this muffler!"

Posted by: Bart on December 7, 2005 04:33 PM

Dr.,

What about the pocket square? Too foppish?

Posted by: ATM on December 7, 2005 04:41 PM

I am the Lorax!

J'accuse all you Jews!
(I'm also in charge of the Brown Bar-bo-loots
who played in the shade in their Bar-bo-loot suits.
and happily lived, eating Truffula Fruits)

Posted by: SarahW on December 7, 2005 04:44 PM

That's what I love about this place. It's so free form that a good Ace rant can turn into a picture captioning contest in a snap.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim on December 7, 2005 04:46 PM

"Da plane!"
"Da Plane!"

"Da plane, boss, carrying the evil American agents."

Posted by: Bart on December 7, 2005 04:51 PM

This is hilarious theater, but I can't help but worry a bit that Shouty Saddam is inspiring a bunch of Middle Easterners into a "Free OJ!" kind of mentality.

Posted by: Steve in Houston on December 7, 2005 04:51 PM

but I can't help but worry a bit that Shouty Saddam is inspiring a bunch of Middle Easterners into a "Free OJ!" kind of mentality

I agree, but I think it's healthy. They need to confront that mentality in their midst, anyhow, and they might as well do it in a situation that is as black-and-white as possible.

Posted by: SJKevin on December 7, 2005 04:54 PM

I am the Lorax!

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Posted by: DeeDaGo on December 7, 2005 04:54 PM

Reo,

You're looking at the wrong hand. Look at the left hand and tell me who he reminds you of.

Answer here: http://www.colossusblog.com/mt/archives/001308.html

You know, except substitute the Koran for the Necronomicon . . .

Posted by: The Colossus on December 7, 2005 04:56 PM

SERENITY NOW!!!!!

Posted by: ken on December 7, 2005 04:57 PM

The pocket square presents the same dilemma to dictators and corporate managers alike.

One the one hand, it's a lovely touch. The white line of the square setting off and recalling the white of the shirt in much the same fashion as the 1/4" of peeking shirt cuff. Elegant.

Note: those matching tie/square sets. Always a mistake. Too 'studied' and, frankly, fey. The square must be white. (an excpetion is made for Idi amin who, I believe had a leopard print square matching his little hat. Idi pulled it off. But that's Idi, he can bring togehter any outfit. Some dictators just got it.)

The mark against squares it that they are toomuch an affectation, like a man wearing a fedore today. If you're a young guy, it's hard ot wear one wihtout looking all "Hey, I'm wearing a pocket square. Just like Dad! I'm retro hip"

Use your own discretion as to whether you can pull it off.

As a final note, the fold is terribly important. The square-ended fold is devastating. The multi-point and puff, absolutely ridiculous. The triangle, somewhere in between.

Again, use your better judgment.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes on December 7, 2005 04:58 PM

That dude in the back looks like he's giving a South-Central-style shout-out to his homie for keepin' it real.

You mean like General T.A.C.O.?

Posted by: on December 7, 2005 05:00 PM

I prefer the guy off to their right, in the black & white towel - he's got this expression going like, "oh $#%, these idiots are gonna get me shot... why didn't I run to Syria when I had the chance?"

Posted by: Jeff on December 7, 2005 05:19 PM

What is wrong with this picture?

Saddam Hussein is alive, it seems.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! on December 7, 2005 06:36 PM

Doing the Dean howl double time!

Posted by: spaceman on December 7, 2005 07:14 PM

Saddam's tie is in the picture. He used it tie his boxers on Ramsi Clark head.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin on December 7, 2005 07:51 PM

You know the best part of the Krushchev picture? The caption that reads "At a Moscow party".
Cause, man, he just looks like he is just grooving on the good tunes and good times.

Posted by: Alex_fs on December 7, 2005 08:48 PM

Doc, very good catch with the body-language.

Posted by: lauraw on December 7, 2005 09:34 PM

Thanks, Ms. L.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes on December 7, 2005 09:38 PM

Don't sweat Saddam's missing tie. He'll soon have one - made of the finest hemp.

Posted by: Brown Line on December 7, 2005 11:03 PM

The finger makes me think of Saturday Night Live

Posted by: MoI on December 8, 2005 07:25 AM

Why dont he just take off his shoe and bang it on the podium

Posted by: spurwing plover on December 8, 2005 10:33 AM

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Mayor Karen is so stung by fan-made AI ads that she's resorting to the shitlibs' go-to demand for an end to criticism -- these ads are "violent" and "hateful" and making me feel unsafe because one video showed AI cartoons throwing tomatoes at me and the tomatoes looked like blood when they squished
This was her actual complaint. The mushed-up tomato looked like blood so it's a death threat and these violent attacks on me must stop. What is dis bitch, CNN?

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
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TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

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