Fix.

Winners will be spared.

Dick Cheney once held a contest like this one.

He won.

Now, Michael, do you hear me bellyaching about not winning the contest? No; I take it with the gentle good grace that is my hallmark.

You covetous, lying, conniving bastard.

Ace picked a perfect guy to judge the contest.
Nice Job.
RG

except as i recall, the Ghostbusters actually saved themselves from almost certain destruction from the Stay-Pufft Marshmallow Man BY crossing the streams.

It pains me to say this but 'good job', Michael. There was a lot of great stuff out there and I didn't envy you your task.

(Take note - that's the first and only good thing I believe I will ever write about you....not that you give a rat's ass.)

What "M" said. The rule at the beginning of the movie was don't cross the streams. By the end, they needed that extra little "oomph," to turn it up to 11, so to speak.

Yes, I almost fixed that "correction" of Michael's... but then, I wanted to see him humiliated for his error.

Dick Cheney would want it that way.

Dick Cheney turns it up to 12.

Am I too late????

Man, loose shit on that "crossing the stram thing". We all know now that Dick Cheney's going to show up here and cross his stream with Michael's honeyed, pouting lips.

Now I'm going to be singing "I'm Walking on Sunshine" for the rest of the day!

Michael, I sent the $10.17 and bottle of AstroGlide Heat straight to Brewfan. You should get an indirect benefit.

Thanks for judging.

Loose shit on the stream crossing! As noted above.

Now, THAT'S how to run a contest.

Good job, I'm happy, even if none of my (admittedly pathetic) entries won.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Hey, I won. I was just reporting something I saw. It's not like I made that shit up.

Gosh, I'm all twitterpated, really. Now I know how a centerfold feels. When do I get to see the mansion, Michael?

(And I'd like to thank my dog, whose cacophagy gave me the inspiration. Smart dog.)

I would like to thank our judge who, by the way, is gracious enough to give the reach around and doesn't mind if you squirm a little, as long as the beer can and ashtray don't slide off of your back. When that happens, he becomes extremely agitated, makes you pay him an extra c-note and count his strokes out loud. In Spanish. But not too loudly as he lives in his parents' basement and their room is just above his. Thanks Michael.

As for the rest of you, I read every single comment and in my opinion there were so many more that were much funnier than anything I could come up with. Not to discount Michael's opinion, but I think he simply feels guilty because he broke my ass hymen and hasn't called me since.

Thanks to Ace for this great idea and for hosting it. It was a lot of fun. Now if I can just get Cheney I've got your number. I need to make you mine. Cheney don't change your number. 867-5309 out of my fucking head I might be able to move on with my life.

Bitter as I am about my shut-out, I've got to admit the better man won when he can toss the word "cacophagy" into the thread.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back and try to memorize the rest of that Chris Klein interview. That guy is awesome.

LMAO, Michael... My wife's asking why I'm laughing so hard. I tell her, "Uh, trust me, you really don't want to know." My wife is more prude than RWS when it comes to these types of jokes.

Well done Michael! (Golf clap; hot tears glisten, bites lip.)

I'm glad to see the horsey head one did so well. And as for the Mastiff, I don't know whether Andrew was intentionally referring to this, but another famous AoS personality studied International Relations at Johns Hopkins, excuse me, THE Johns Hopkins University. (They're really big on the The there). It explains a lot. It may explain why his bio doesn't say he "graduated" from the Johns Hopkins University.

Don't know who I'm talking about? Check the second comment here. (Content warning on that post, BTW.)

Clip clop, splud.

sorry Michael, I don't placate.

Brilliant work all around. The submissions had me laughing for days. And the judge did a phenomenal job sifting through the thousands (!) of entries in a very short time to find the best ones.

And congrats to the winner, skinbad. I guess we should also thank him for making us laugh with what was clearly the best entry. So thanks, skindbad, and I sincerely hope that your throat heals after the abuse it must have taken from Michael's manrod. I just hope he managed to find the correct hole, since he's obviously so freaking blind he couldn't find his asshole with the help of two bloodhounds and one of the Queer Eye guys. Homo.

... Err, ... I mean, good job, everyone!

(Although I missed the nominations thread, thanks to Dee Da Go for nominating me. And congrats for appearing on the winner's list twice. And for having countless other hilarious posts. Jerk.)

Dick Cheney would like to congratulate all the winners.

But he won't.

Winners to receive an all expenses paid trip to visit with the Secret Service in beautiful, downtown, Washington DC.

To all you losers who are hurling accusations that the contest was unfair, that the judge was biased, that the judge was corrupt, and so forth, I would just like to say:

Duh.

I GOT BEST PENIS JOKE!!!!!

I'm putting that on a t-shirt. My mom will be so proud.

Great job, Michael!
The snarl joke was one of my favorites, but there were so many great ones-you did an excellent job.

I'm glad one of my better ones was immortalized up there, rather than one of my meth-addled throwaways.

-Ace,

Is "Golden Cheney" really trademarked, or are you just putting that up there to impress all your blogfriends so you can pretend to be a big man?

Thanks ace, for the best thread ever and thanks to Michael for his outstanding and timely work in the judge's chair.

I just wonder if anybody from Dick Cheney's (may he live forever!) staff stopped by and read any of them.

Thanks to Ace for coming up with this idea, Michael for slogging through the pile of entries, and all the submitters for being a truly sick pack of perverts. I'm not kidding, you magnificent bastards need to get help RIGHT NOW! I've been laughing my ass off since Friday, and this has GOT to be one of the best uses of the internet in history (second only to that guy back in the '90's who said to his buddy over the phone "Hey, do you have those shoe fetish photos back from the developer yet? No? When you get them, why don't you just scan them and send them to my email account.")

Michael, thanks for creating a category just for me to win (ironic, since I've never been banned by Bill - you can't get banned if you've never been motivated to register to leave comments, I guess. Funny how that works.). I thought I would be a shoe-in for the "Best UNDISCLOSED LOCATION reference", but looking at the list, I don't see a single winner that doesn't belong there.

Great job on the picks, Michael, and to all who submitted...to Dick Cheney's cock.
By the way, Oregon Muse:
I just wonder if anybody from Dick Cheney's (may he live forever!) staff stopped by and read any of them.

Dick Cheney's staff had everything to do with this.

I had a lot of fun reading and contributing to this monster. And I don't mind at all that none of mine got picked..(diligently oils high powered rifle). Nope, don't mind a bit.

I thought I would be a shoe-in for the "Best UNDISCLOSED LOCATION reference", but looking at the list, I don't see a single winner that doesn't belong there.

You know, Russ, I could have hammered out new categories all night, but at some point I had to admit that the article was already too long, I was already too wasted, and it was time to quit.

I mean, I have a reputation to protect. People here know me as a dignified gentleman with an awesome intellect (albeit a fuzzy recollection of Ghosbusters). So I didn't want to blow this assignment.

If you want to become a full-fledged member of the prestigious Banned by Bill Association™ just ask. About 15 or 20 regulars at this site can tell you how to do it in just one visit to INDC Journal. It's not hard, really.

..(diligently oils high powered rifle). Nope, don't mind a bit.

UGADawg:

Um, you were a winner! If memory serves, you were the Sixth Runner Up and won a category award for Best Entry From A Redneck Cracker Whose Mother Is Also His Sister. For some reason, Ace edited this out.

I thought your work was absolutely brilliant. Really. You are a comic genius.

"People here know me as a dignified gentleman with an awesome intellect"

Um, no. He's a Batman cape-wearing old guy with a foot fetish. Trust me.

Michael, I'm still not sure how I can get banned over there if I'm too indifferent to register. Don't worry, I've already figured out how I'd do it (pseudonym of "IDavenger" and a bunch of slurs regarding Momma Ardolino, bless her soul), but doing it without being registered is still going to be a big hurdle to cross. Maybe winning this category will get a pre-emptive ban slapped on me, and I can win the battle before it's even fought.

Batman cape, eh? So...............I would assume that you have that whole collection of wonderful gadgets to go with it?

Thank you for a lovely evening

Don't worry, I've already figured out how I'd do it (pseudonym of "IDavenger" and a bunch of slurs regarding Momma Ardolino, bless her soul),

Russ:

No. Don't waste time with attempts to be funny or with joking insults directed at Momma Ardolino. This takes too long. Trust me, trying to be funny is how I got Banned By Bill, and it took about six months.

You're trying to get banned the first time that you go to the effort of registering.

So, the more efficient method is to wait until Bill says something stupid (this won't take long), and then you pounce. Take issue with his statement.

Now, Bill will attempt to engage you in a "civil discourse" in order to prove that his stupid statement is actually supportable. Don't get sucked into this. You will just be contributing to a boring thread. If you want to get Banned By Bill, ignore facts and logic, and just question Bill's intelligence. That's the key. Queston his intelligence. Cuz, Bill thinks that he's really smart. (In fact, he is, but he thinks he is infallible.)

Stick to a pure ad hominem style of debate. You''ll get bounced for sure.

And then you can proudly announce on your resume that you are a member in good standing of the elite Banned By Bill Association™.

The Banned By Ace club is more elite. I've been trying to join, but apparently I just don't pass muster. Well, lah dee friggin' da.

I've taunted and insulted Ace, his family, his friends, his readers, his blog heroes, and even his web server, but he just doesn't seem to care. Sigh.

Sandy:

Insulting Ace will not work, if you want to get banned by Ace. Trust me, I've tried. He actually enjoys that.

You need to be overtly racist (e.g., Cedarford), or you need to publish actual slanders of particular individuals on his comment threads, so that Ace (who is a lawyer) starts thinking about his legal liability.

You need to be overtly racist (e.g., Cedarford),

I didn't come here to insult myself. If I were gonna do that, I'd just post as "Ace". Like this: "Hi, I'm Ace!" Ow, that stings. No thanks!

or you need to publish actual slanders of particular individuals on his comment threads, so that Ace (who is a lawyer) starts thinking about his legal liability.

But what if it's not slander? What if it's true what happened between Ace's sister and Dave from Garfield Ridge? (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)

What if it's true what happened between Ace's sister and Dave from Garfield Ridge?

In any cause of action for defamation of character, truth is a valid defense. That means, in the event that Ace establishes by competent evidence that you have made slanderous accusations against his sister, the burden of proof in a civil defamation action will shift from Ace to you. So, if you have publicly called out Ace's sister as a slut, you may be obliged to prove in court that she is a slut.

I'm thinking you don't have much to worry about. Except maybe the attorney's fees.,

I have myself frequently boinked Ace's sister, so I'll be happy to serve as a witness on your behalf.

Ace, seriously now. I know there's been some bad blood between us.

So for the last time, I sincerely apologize, from the bottom of my heart, for trusting Dave to take your sister for her walk. I had no idea; until then, I had just figured Dave was a necrophiliac. Imagine my surprise.

I have myself frequently boinked Ace's sister, so I'll be happy to serve as a witness on your behalf.

Of course, I remember, Michael. How could I forget? Oh, and dude, I promised I'd destroyed those tapes, right? Well, you know, of course I did. But, you know, if you should happen to need them for this trial... maybe I didn't quite destroy all of them. I mean, I'm not saying that's true. I mean, I'd have to double-check, of course. I'm just sayin'. You know.

Nice work. Much appreciated. The best line:
Maybe I’m the Winner!” You’re right! It could be you (unless you are Monty). Let’s see:

Hee hee. That was delicioulsy evil.

In the Most Imitated category, the winner should definitely be

'Only Dick Cheney is hard enough to cut Dick Cheney"

How did "He steals candy from babies and gives it to diabetic babies" not win anything??

Amazing job, Michael.

Getting the Superpowers category as awarded by Batman himself - with so many brilliant entries to choose from - makes me feel really proud and yet somehow closer to you. Which in turn makes we want to take a long turpentine bath with some steel wool.

I guess I have mixed feelings.

So Laura judges the next contest?

Thanks to Michael for the hard work and the ... errr .... prioritization. The tapes, both audio and video, are now gone, and the only master has been mailed to that address, c/o DC.

In all seriousness, this was some of the funniest stuff in a long, long time. I spent the weekend seeing what twisted bits of genius showed up on those threads. And my wife spent the weekend looking at me sideways and finally throwing things at me.

And thanks to Ace for hosting this. I'm glad he finally found something good to do with this blog thing.

Next up - "Whatever happened to ....[name]"

DDG

You know, I can't believe that it didn't occur to me what the Golden Cheney statue looked like.

See, the whole statue is silver, except for the gargantuan sack, which is of course gold. Golden Cheneys. Like a non-neutered Oscar. We'll just call it .... Dick.

Michael, you are a trooper for going through all of those entries.

It cracks me up trying to imagining you explaining to your wife just what, exactly, you're staying up all night working on.