The winner of this contest should be evident to one and all. It's indeed Dick Cheney and his famous appendage!

So, that gives you time to write up a poetry-winners' post for tomorrow, right?

And, if you wait till Monday, it will give the FBI/Secret Service more time to get those warrants for your servers. lol!

Just to reiterate, I sent Ace a draft last night in order to make sure that there were no problems with format, etc., of the Word document.

In other words, it is not too late to influence the outcome with offers of money or sex, as specified in the officially posted contest rules. So far, I haven't gotten any such offers except from Ace (and he's broke, by the way).

I can send you a used, soiled dead cougar that you can have your way with.

If that helps my chances...

That cougar is only 3 microns thick and covers an area of 2 square miles.

You'll need a professional to pack and ship that baby.

Michael, it's a deal. You've got access to Ace's squeakhole for 72 hours in exchange for a little "Detroit vote-counting" that goes my way.

I'm home sick this weekend, and my wife is puttering around the house. She came over to the coffee table to see what I'm looking at on the Internet, and the first thing she reads on this topic is Ace's "Night of the Sodomizing Cougar Man" entry.

Needless to say, her response was "Honey, you and all your little blog buddies are sick, sick puppies."

Sounds like a job for famed modern artiste Christo

Michael, just let me know if your neighborhood is one where UPS can drop the package off without you being there.
.

You know, not to slap ourselves on the back too much here, but people round here came up with some really, funny shit. I mean, I got more giggles reafing through those threads than anything I've seen on TV in the last month.

But notice the way the laughs came. Open source, baby. Even the topic.

Why couldn't we open source a Simpson script? Do general plot one thread. Then fill it with funny over the next couple days. With the 1000+ funny people we got reading/commenting here, I'm certain anything we end up with is gonna be better than the crap they're putting on now.

What does a script get there? 50K? 100? That kinda money we could get a comment system round here that remembers your name, maybe even, my long held dream, one of those 'Wizbang' types where they drop down smooth with a click?

Ok, of course we won't do it. But I guarantee you, one day, comedy's gonna be put together like that. 100,000 plus people can turn up some damn funny shit.

50k for a Simpson's script? Just imagine what Ace could do with that kind of money! He could cut back on his blogging, change all his positions on the GWOT, and spend his days in a gobsmackingly shocked state of heartache.

Or, he could get "Johnny Coldcuts" shirts for all the guys (and the women who put up with them). Yeah, the guys get shirts. That's got a nice ring to it. Someone should make that into a catchphrase or something.

Dr. Symes is on to something. Gathering ideas via a blog think-tank brainstorming session is a good idea.

If we can get some people who are computer-graphic and media savvy, we can make short vids that will blow away South Park.

It was a dark and stormy night..............

Dr. Symes, I think that the clientele here would do a MUCH better job of writing a script for "Deadwood" than they would do with a Simpson's script.

Compare and contrast: a PG-rated animated network series, or a series Ace has previously referred to as "Cocksucker Creek". Which is a better fit for the AoSHQ lifestyle?

Dr. Symes, I think that the clientele here would do a MUCH better job of writing a script for "Deadwood" than they would do with a Simpson's script.

Nah, we could do Simpsons. Granted it'd be the first Simpson's with a plot tackling Bart's cock ring and Grandpa's anal leakage, but it'd be funny

Nice job Michael. I like to see some initiative and I can't help but think it helps keep your mind off of the fact I'm all over Mrs. Michael like a cheap suit.

OK, but that leaves one big question:

The voice of "Dick Cheney's Cock" - Harry Shearer or Dan Castellanata?

I'm thinking someone more debonair sounding for Cheney's pud, like Sean Connery.

Bart, let's say what everyone else is thinking: this was the role Phil Hartmann was born to provide voice talent for. Damn the cruel fates for taking him before his time.

Oh yeah, and the batshit crazy wife. That didn't help things. The batshit crazy wife and the fates. And the gun. Batshit crazy wife with a gun and the cruel fates. Don't forget the absence of another gun under HIS pillow. Batshit crazy wife with a gun and NO GUN on his side of the bed - and the fates. That about cover it?

And the wife's coke dealer/boyfriend - don't forget him!

Phil Hartman's talent was under-appreciated by most, including me, until it he was gone. Yes, he would be an excellent choice for the voice-talent of Cheney's penis. (I picture Cheney's penis in a tuxedo for some reason).

Oh Snap! I'm a retard. Now that Phil Hartman's gone, there's only ONE person who could provide a voice for Dick Cheney's Cock.

Dick Cheney.

Nuh-uh.
Depends on where you want to go with developing the character.
If you want to keep DC's cock unrelentingly mean, Willem Dafoe.

If you want him to be mean but in a gruff, lovable way, Danny DeVito.

I see Dick Cheney's Cock more as the wise old grandfather you turned to for advice. You knew he was going to tell you to do the right thing, but it helps just hearing it.

Superdiginified yet warm. Sort of what Gregory peck was doing in the 80's. Maybe Wilford Brimly. (Jack Lemmon-ish, maybe?) Just thinking off the top of my head here.

The Simpson's have been done.
Dick Cheney's Penis, however, has not been done.

How about this to get the creative juices flowing?

Two college dropouts, Jared (who happens to be black) and Vince (white) work at Home Depot and complain about the lack of "good" jobs available to them and they sick of getting shafted by The Man.

One day, while leaving work, they notice a giant hot-dog parachuting into the parking lot.
It turns out to be Dick Cheney's Penis.
DCP hands Jared and Vince a micro-chip.

DCP: Hold on to this.

Jared: What? Why?

DCP: Just do it. It's a matter of national security. You want to help your country, don't you?

Vince: Yea, sure. But...

DCP: All questions will be answered later. Be here in exactly 24 hours. I'm counting you, men.

Jared: Okay. We won't let you down.

DCP runs away into the darkness.

Vince: (yelling) Wait! Who arrre yoouuu?

DCP calls out from the blackness: I'm Dick Cheney's Penis.

cue theme

and if you want to portray the appendage as totally batshit crazy, in a third party presidential candidate way........Christopher Walken?

Well, it looks like I finally found someone who likes to play as rough as I do.

I don't know, guys. James Earl Jones may be the cliche choice, but cliches are cliches for a reason.

Bart, I love it. I see the theme song being sung in the style of Johnny Cash, or Country Dick Montana from "The Beat Farmers" (yeah, they're both dead, but if Dick Cheney tells Death that he needs to borrow one of these guys for a few studio dates, do you REALLY think that paintywaist is going to say no?).

(sung in a Sun records-sort of style, kind of like "Johnny Yuma, the Rebel")

"Diiiiiiick Cheney's Penis,
Biggest in the Land.
Diiiiiiick Cheney's Penis,
when it's time to take a stand.

He came to town with a microchip
and he's on the run from a rocketship.
He fucks and kills for Red White and Blue,
If you're not care-ful, he'll CUM for you.

Diiiiiiick Cheney's penis

that's all I've got.......FOR NOW.

Damn... Russ beat me to Walken...

"Grandpa's anal leakage"

actually has come up a couple-three times on the show already.

Nice. I like it.

So Dick Cheney's Penis should be what?
An action-adventure hero/ladies man with a great sense of humor?

(Funny/strange thought: When DCP gets into fistacuffs with the bad guys -- mostly Islamofascists and Eco-terrorists from Seattle -- the look of disgust and being creeped out by battling and touching a giant penis should be captured in stills (a la '60's Batman).
Powww!
Squirt
Along with the sound effects of the squeaking of a balloon when the bad guys are wrestling with DCP. Ewww, gross.

Russ, maybe I'm stealing too much from the Ambiguosly Gay Duo.

The song is great, though. It's a keeper. How about getting girls to do the chorus?

Eco-terrorists from Seattle being creeped out by wrestling with a giant penis? Uh-huh. Right. Maybe if they're hulking, Sasquatch looking flannel draped toads with no trace of a Y-chromosome, but otherwise that's pretty funny.

Are we going for realistic fiction here, or pure fantasy?

I'm thinking that the schlong in question would have to be some sort of conflicted hero, like John McClain or "Mad" Max Roketanski. Either that or an over-the-top caricature of testosterone, like the old "Sledge Hammer" show from the late 80's.

"Alias" already has a monopoly on the suave agent stereotype. Let's try for another demographic. Heck, if we can get ABC to pick up the show, maybe we could get crossover appearances by Jennifer Garner-Affleck, kind of like Tom Selleck appearing on "Murder She Wrote" and vice versa.

Nice job Michael. I like to see some initiative and I can't help but think it helps keep your mind off of the fact I'm all over Mrs. Michael like a cheap suit.

Geez, Brewfan, you posted some really great stuff. You were just about to be a winner.

*delete*

So, now I need something else. Actually, of few recent commenters (including Ace) figured out how to revive my interest. They started slamming Bill Ardolino! Oh, yeah!

Remember, Brewfan, when you see the person who won the Best Slam of Bill Ardolino basking in glory -- that was your spot.

They started slamming Bill Ardolino! Oh, yeah!

Wow. So what you're saying is that I'm so money and I don't even know it? I'm assuming that winning that category counts for at least, what, 80% for the overall competition with you as the judge, Michael?

Dick Cheneys cock is so big it got the nickname "Bill Ardolino".

Just kidding.... not even Cheneys Cock is as big a dick as Bill.

Bart, the idea for hot chick backup singers is definitely a winner. I'm thinking of the lovely ladies Pink Floyd used on their '87 "Delicate Sound of Thunder" tour. They freakin' ROCKED, especially their version of "The Great Gig In The Sky" from "Dark Side of the Moon".

I saw Dick Cheney Cock back at the Superdome in '86. A three hour show! Big brass section, Tower of Power Horns. Did all his old stuff. Just incredible.

Okay, as long as we can put one big fat black woman with a huge afro in the middle who can actually sing -- for contrast and diversity.

Realistic fiction or pure fantasy?
I'd prefer realistic fiction but we're talking about a giant walking talking penis here.

Conflicted hero?
This penis is no angel. And it has plenty of skeletons in his closet. Perhaps a secret love affair with Barbara Streisand's tits.

ABC wouldn't touch the show, what with whole Disney image thing. But if it did, you just KNOW Dick Cheney's Penis would be doing crossovers with Desperate Housewives.

Unfortunately, we'll have to settle with Comedy Central. In case you haven't noticed they'll put anything edgy (and crappy) on their network.

>>>> Collaborative Script Idea:

Homer visits the Krusty Kreme donut factory, discovers that you make donuts by putting batter into a fryer.

Homer makes the connection between the batter, the oil and the donut in a voice over sequence a la "Lisa Needs Braces ... DENTAL PLAN ... "

Soooooooooo, Homer goes out and buys a huge fryer (Mo's surplus Navy Flash Fryer, for instance). Installs fryer in kitchen to Marge's chagrin.

Begins his experimentation (a la the Thomas Alva Edison episode) to find the best possible donut.

Creates the equivalent of a Flaming Mo' jelly filled donut when a ummmm.... banana slug .... ummmm .... is accidentally added (by Bart) into the jelly cooking on the stove. (for reasons made clear later)

ummmmm.....

Homer opens a donut stand in his front yard - (a la Marge and her pretzel business) A donut from this batch is half eaten by Comic Book Guy, who realizes that he, Comic Book Guy, has in his hand and stomach a goldmine. So he saves the donut (much like Homer did with the Soul donut)

ummmm .....

CBG then gives the donut to the Professor to determine its composition-freyhn-leuyven! - the Professor does so and creates the Ginormous Donuterator which cranks out Homers Jelly Donuts...

ummmmm.....

Bart says somthing funny

ummmmmm..........

Homer tries to reason with CBG who is haughty and disrespectful .... no luck, so Homer makes public the recipe including the part about the banana slug.

Springfield does a collective spit-take, including Sea Captain, Bumble Bee Guy, and - for comedic effect, the statue of Jebediah Springfield.

CBG ' Banana Slug? - I thought he said 'Banana, Sluggo, the only funny character from HI and LOIS

CBG and Professor are confronted by the FDA and lead off by Chief Wiggums, who's still eating a donut.

Homer witness this - goes back home to his donut fryer and ..... ummmmmmmm .... hugs it.

Iris in.

Fade to black.

voice over - mmmmm deep fried fingers arrrhghgghgh OHMYGODOHMYGOD! -----

punch it up some .... write the script .... sell it, remember that I retain copyright (cough) and there's a chance that at least one Simpsons episode won't suck next year.

Well done, Bump. You're ideas made me laugh. No need for a script, it was better than all the episodes of the last two seasons of The Simpsons.

Speaking of which, what's up with the use of pop songs in recent seasons of the Simpsons?

Example: when Lisa gets a restraining order on Bart, "Don't Stand so Close to Me" plays.

This is something that (almost) never happened back in the good years. Now, it's almost every episode. Are these just songs that FOX owns the rights to? WTF is wrong with the shows new writers? Don't they know they're KILLING ME a little bit more each week?

I have it on good authority that Dick Cheney's penis speaks exactly like James Mason.

Apparently, while Dick Cheney was raised in Wyoming, his penis attended Eton.

, his penis attended Eton

Finally, an explanation for its latent homosexuality.

Your not the only one to have noticed all those songs in the Simpsons Knemon. I dont mind it if the song fits and is actually funny, but usually their just lame.

And is it just me or there is their a lot more gay stuff in every episode now? Maybe not gay exactly, but a lot of the punchlines are just the male characters acting kind of Fem.

See, if you check Ace's Sitemeter, he's getting a big spike in traffic right now, especially for a weekend.

And at exactly this moment, you people are demonstrating the total retardedness of AOSHQ.

Sheesh. Can you please behave for awhile?

Never mind. I know the answer.

OK, now the guy who VOLUNTEERED to judge the "Dick Cheney's Penis" contest is berating the rest of us for acting like retards?

As Alanis Morisette once said..........."Isn't it ironic; don't you think?"

Bart, if we're going for the lowest common denominator here, let's pass on Comedy Central and go straight for the Sci Fi Channel. That channel would broadcast David Duchovny giving birth to a giant turd if they could get the footage in their grubby little hands. I swear, anymore it makes the USA Network movies look like Merchant/Ivory productions.

Our crossover possibilities would be limited to "Stargate SG-1", "Stargate: Atlantis", "Stargate: Special Victims Unit", "Stargate: Sliders", "Stargate:Miami", and "Stargate:Trial By Jury" (NBC has taught them well).

Upside: We can basically mail it in, since even tubino could write a sitcom good enough to be the blue ribbon winner at that leper colony. Special bonus - the kinds of actresses who star in these craptacular shows are hanging on by their nails on the margins of legitimate acting (translation: one drink away from pr0n), so even ACE could get laid by being involved with this show.

Downside: We'd be getting paid in the food leftover from on-site catering, lottery tickets and coupons for "Jimmy's House of Not-So-Thoroughly-Cooked Hamburgers". Of course, we'd still get suh-weet satin jackets with the show's logo on them (if you can overlook the fact that the show's logo would most likely be a ginormous penis).

Cheney's Penis doesn't even need to appear in the show.
A riot of Leftists? The Black SUV pulls up, Cheney gets out.
Things start to happen to the punks.
Terrorists holding good Americans hostage?
Door opens, in walks Cheney.
Things. Just. Happen.
Kinda like The Shadow.
Holds down CGI costs, too

harrison is onto something here. It could be like the original "Alien" where the monster stays in the shadows until the last 20 minutes. Let's see, a 26 episode season means that we don't have to pay for CGI costs in the first 23 episodes. The money we save will probably just cover the costs of disposing of the dead hookers that "magically appear" in Ace's office every Thursday morning, but at least we won't be out of pocket with any of those expenses, which is good.

Bart, if we're going for the lowest common denominator here, let's pass on Comedy Central and go straight for the Sci Fi Channel. . .

ROFLMAO!

You know, if you had just randomly thrown the words "Dick Cheney" anywhere into that post, you would be the winner!

Oh well. Too late now.

"And is it just me or there is their a lot more gay stuff in every episode now?"

That could be. There was a lot of that around seasons 8-10, IIRC ... but there could have been a recurrence lately.

One thing I do know: the "Smithers = teh ghey" thing has gone so far beyond the point of being funny, it's gobsmackingly vile to me that they keep trying to get laughs out of it.

Christopher Walken would be an excellent voice-over for DC's cock.

----> Other Script Idea

"Cock-Fu"

Synopsis:
Blatant rip off of Kung-Fu which starred David Carradine. Dick Cheney's Cock walks the earth, hunted by members of an elite governmental agency.

Flash-back sequences occur throughout the episode to provide context.

For example Dick Cheney's cock trying to snatch the pebble from the master's hand. Eventually it does after spoojing all over the master's face and then picking the the damn pebble up off the floor.

A shot of Dick Cheney's cock carrying a red hot urn down a hallway, which explains the dragon and tiger marks on the shaft.

Dick Cheney's Cock dodging spears and throwing stars.

...

There's a Hulk Parody of a normal-person sized Dick Cheney's Cock just going about his bidness until somebody makes him mad ...

... you woudln't like DCC when its mad

... unless you're a hot chick, in which case you would find it irrestistable, which would happen ... once or twice per episode.

I see Dick Cheney's Cock as more of an ace in the hole, so to speak. Cheney himself could handle any problems for the first two thirds of each episode, but he'd have to turn to it at the end to save the day, kind of like the way the five lions would only combine to defeat the Robeast at the end of each episode of Voltron.

The idea of it having attended Eton is good too; that would explain its debonair, worldly James Bond demeanor.

Title for the pilot: On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

Dick Cheney does not sleep. He waits.

Voice of Dick Cheney's Penis?

Dick Cheney.

Shouldn't that one have been in quotes, Dodger?

In it's house in dead R'yleh, Dick Cheney's penis lies sleeping.

And by "dead R'yleh" I mean Howard Dean's squeakhole.

And by "Howard Dean" I mean the guy who just got violated by Dick Cheney worse than Pia Zadora did by that garden hose nozzle in "The Lonely Lady" and anyone who actually watched that film.

If Dick Cheney's penis had it's own blog ... it would be called InDC ... just sayin'

Oh, gosh, no, you'd never actually see the penis. Harrison's right. That would ruin it totally. I mean, what CGI could do justice to The Tinklor?

You could handle it the way Hollywood used to handle divine beings. You know, the actors look up, a women's chorus goes, "mwaaaaahhhh!" and everyone's face is bathed in a mysterious glow from something off-camera.

Or that scene in Beetlejuice where he goes, "is this scary enough for you?" and you get a shot of him from the back opening his trench coat, a screaming sound effect, and what looks like a bunch of hairy snake things radiating out from his head for a split second.

Weasel, I always thought those things shooting off of Michael Keaton's face were insect legs - like, his face became a giant cockroach for a second, or something.

Keeps gettin' funnier ev'ry single time I see it ...

Here's my last entry:

Cheney Cheney your the man for me
you don't know me, but you make me so happy
I tried to call you before but I lost the nerve
I tried my imagination but I was disturbed

Cheney I got your number
I need to make you mine
Cheney don't change your number
867-5309, 867-5309, 867-5309, 867-5309

I got it, I got it, I got your number on the wall
I got it, I got it, for a good time, for a good time call

Cheney don't change your number
I need to make you mine
Cheney I got your number
867-5309, 867-5309, 867-5309, 867-5309

I'll never hear that song the same way again : )