Dick Cheney forced Ace to dedicate an inordinate amount of bandwidth to extolling the manly virtues of Dick Cheney. Then he paddled Ace with a cricket bat, making Ace holler "Thank you sir, may I have another!" after each thwack.

In private conversations with the President, Dick Cheney likes to refer to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as "The White House of Pain".

In Star Wars, the Garbage-Compactor Monster was played by Dick Cheney's cock.

Mark Hamill was so fatigued by having to grapple with the thing for four hours a day that he signed up to do Corvette Summer in a cock-addled haze.

The missing 16 minutes of the Watergate tapes were inadvertantly erased by the powerful magnetic fields swirling around Dick Cheney's cock.

While on a Red Bull bender, Dick Cheney impregnated a coked up wildebeast. After the birth of the monster, he ate it and shit out a dazed and confused Matt Lauer, who he know controls...with his cock.

Even at the tender age of 58 the boogey-man still cannot get a good nights sleep, because he is so terrified that Dich Cheney's COCK might be hiding in his closet.

Dick Cheney taught Joe Kubert how to draw. In gratitude Kubert created the Sergeant Rock comic book to record Dick Cheney's secret wartime exploits.

Same with Larry Elmore, who did much of the Dungeon Master's Guide illustrations by basically copying from Dick Cheney's photo album (and making Lynne's demure outfits a bit more revealing.)

Michael Strahan's NFL season record of 23.5 sacks seems impressive, until one realizes that Dick Cheney racked up 35 as a rookie Defensive Lineman for the 1972 Dallas Cowboys. The NFL expunged this record after Cheney denounced football as a "game for San Francisco powder puffs."

Cheney subsequently went on to a Hall of Fame career in the traditional sport of dwarf tossing, where he once threw a dwarf 3.6 miles.

When Cheney sings the fat lady is transported back in time to the beginning.

I say he'll flip ya. Dick Cheney will flip ya for real.

In the end, there can be only one Dick Cheney,

When George Bush gets angry, he doesn't get violent. When George Bush gets angry, Dick Cheney gets violent.

In the beginning, Dick Cheney said "Let there be God!", and there was, and he saw that it was good.

Cheney then subcontracted out all the remaining creation of heaven and earth stuff to Him.

Dick Cheney sunk Judge Smails boat, the Flying Wasp. With his Penis.

(last dick joke for me)

The only man who knows both the secret formula for Coca Cola and the secret of the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices? Dick Cheney.

Its a little known fact that Scalia is the only man that Cheney fears. Luckily, Scalia and Cheney are now allies.

Bonus Fact:

One time when Cheney and Scalia went duck hunting together, they got into a penis measuring contest. The location: Siberia 1908. Over 10,000 square miles were vaporized.

In their infamous 2003 duck hunt, they bagged so many ducks that mother earth herself weeped for 3 weeks straight, leading to global warming and hurricane Katrina.

Another bonus fact, Cheney is so hard, he considers Scalia mainstream.

The only way to permanently kill Dick Cheney is to drive a wooden stake through his cold, black heart, cut off his head, burn the body, and bury the ashes at a crossroads at midnight.

Otherwise his foul and undead soul will rise from its infernal grave to feed upon the very lifeblood of an innocent nation.

Krishna recently approved Dick Cheney as one of his new avatars, right alongside of Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu. His formal title is still being decided in committee, but is something along the lines of "Being Of A Million Transcendant Joys".

Dick Cheney was the first man to say "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." He uses it to heat his coffee.

Dude, Dick Cheney is cowbell.

In the rough country of Mexico small clans of el chupacabra gather close around campfires at night and terrify each other with stories about Dick Cheney's huge cock.

The man who convinced the Rolling Stones to hire Hell's Angels as security at Altamont? Dick Cheney.

The only way to permanently kill Dick Cheney is to drive a wooden stake through his cold, black heart, cut off his head, burn the body, and bury the ashes at a crossroads at midnight.

No way. The only thing hard enough to cut Dick Cheney is Dick Cheney.

Original working title of the Stones classic was "Sympathy for Dick Cheney".

Dick Cheney's cock is so huge Lynn has to use a manhole cover for a diaghram.

When Dick Cheney wants to send a memo to a member of his staff, he tapes it to his member, or if you please, his staff, and rams it so far home, that it ends up on the back side of the recipients retinas.

And then they share a cigarette.

It made Scooter Libby stutter so bad that they indicted his ass.

In 1986, The Deerhunter's screenwriter had to settle out of court for misappropriating the Russian roulette scene from the "Playtime with Father" chapter of Mary Cheney's autobiography.

(Gilding the Lily Footnote: Daddy Mao! is available on Amazon.)

I heard Dick Cheney built secret windmill farms on old oil drilling rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. When the wind blows, the windmills turn and lower the levies in New Orleans....

McDonald's now offers regular, super, and Cheney sized value meals.

To this day, John Edwards often wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified that the last thing he's going to hear before he dies is the words "Let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much."

The only way to permanently kill Dick Cheney is to drive a wooden stake through his cold, black heart...

Dick Cheney doesn't have a heart. Those "heart attack" stories are just a cover for the times when Cheney and his Halliburton buddies need to get away for a while and relax, with their favorite pastime-- marathon naked Arab jenga tournaments.

There you go Armchair in sin... Nice.

Dick Cheney ear fucked Tookie Williams in 1975.

Forget the computer rankings. Teams are matched up in college football bowl games under the BCS (Because Cheney Says!) system.

1) When Dick Cheney is on that stage with Mr. Paul Anka, Cheney's the only important man on that stage.

2) Dick Cheney is the only one who can make a fucking maniac out of Mr. Paul Anka.

3) Dick Cheney always gets full value for his service and all the enthusiasm he's got for it from his guys.

Or he shows them a little trick he first showed Vlad Tepes, before the nicknames.

Dick Cheney fucked Sheik Omar so hard up the ass his eyeballs popped out of his head.

I see somebody's beed smoking the good stuff.

The REALLY good stuff...

Dick Cheney invented the sport of kitten-stapling, including both the height and span categories.

Each year fall arrives when Dick Cheney starts hankering to make a snow cock in his front yard.

Dick Cheny doesn't use computers, he has a room full of grizzly bears to add sums for him.

75% of satellites are actually cretins with luminous watches that Dick Cheney has cock-punched into space.

Iteration is the key to comedy:

Dick Cheney doesn't use computers, he has a room full of grizzly bears who he has trained to do binary calculus with piles of shit.

Scientists have found that there is no such thing as dark matter. Cheney's penis is just that massive.

Dick Cheney once singlehandedly defeated the Iron Sheikh, Boris Karloff, the British Bulldogs and Rowdy Roddy Piper in a steel cage match to both unify the WWF championship, and to piss off the United Nations.

The mere mention of the name Dick Cheney makes people like Don Myers hyperventilate like scared little school girls. Its funny because its true.

Dancing around the maypole is actually an ancient pagan ritual to appease Dick Cheney's angry cock. Similiarly, the song "Ring Around the Rosie" isn't about the Black Death. It's about what happens to people who run afoul of the emanations of that cock.

Who shot J.R.? Dick Cheney.

Testing has confirmed that global warming is being caused by the gravitational field from Dick Cheney's massive brass balls dragging the sun closer to the earth.

Q: Does Dick Cheney's stool contain chunks of John Edwards?

A: Dick Cheney does not shit. He has a special internal organ that converts debate opponents directly to cholesterol.

Men swimming in the Amazon river worry about tiny catfish swimming up there urethra and becoming lodged in there penises, causing intense pain. Dick Chaney has the same fear, but in his case he worries about new born sperm whales. This is also why you will never see Dick Cheney skinny-dipping at the beach.

Were an enourmous fish to ever swim up Dick Chenyes urethra, he would dick would simply give his member a gentle tug, and shoot out 6 tons of perfectly prepared and crispy fried fish sticks.

Due to it's preoccupation with size, and the inferiority complex brought on by recent revelations, the state of Texas has legally changed it's name to the Commonwealth of Dick Cheney's Raging Cock.

Dick Cheney had Uday and Qusay's cocks encased in lucite, to use as paperweights.

He gave Qusay's to Rumsfeld.

In Washington, they speak of a time when Nancy Pelosi didn't have freakishly bugged eyes... a time before she sensed Dick Cheney's testicular musk.

The DNC recently unveiled an emourmous supercomupter Demzilla, which holds a voter database with 170 million records. The RNC just uses Dick Cheney's huge cock, which makes Demzilla look like a casio calculater watch in comparison.

Dick Cheney's superhuman ability to shit polar bears and swat airliners from the sky with his penis inspired Lost.

Whenever Dick hits me on the celly for some action, he's all, "Hey, can Dick be second-in-line to your Bush again?"

So sweet.

At some resort in the Poconos, Dick Cheney once announced that "no one puts Baby in the corner!" He then had the whole resort leveled with a barrage of howitzer shells.

At a tender age, Maureen Dowd was seduced and bedded by Dick Cheney. After she remarked "that was the best... ever", Dick Cheney snarled "Get me a beer, wench. That wasn't even the best I had today."
And MoDo's vaginal temperature dropped 10 degrees, at which it remains to this day.

Lynne Cheney's favorite "signal" to her husband is, "Fire for effect, baby!"

Each year, Dick and Lynne Cheney host an Easter egg hunt for the school children of DC. At the end of the festivities, Dick Cheney selects one lucky boy or girl and hurls the child into the heart of the sun.

At a George Thoroughgood concert in Omaha, Cheney showed up with a bottle of Jack and forced the band to play "Bad to the Bone" for two hours straight.

When Dick Cheney offters to let you fuck his wife, it is not a joke. It is a test.

Dick Cheney owns a leather billfold with "Bad MFer" stitched into it. One time he was buying coffee and ran into Samuel L. Jackson, who asked him (in jest) what it meant. In response Cheney whipped out a 9mm pistol and shot Jackson in the face, all the while screaming "You know what it means! I'm a bad motherfucker, motherfucker!" He then mumbed something about the size of HIS purple lightsaber while walking away.

Dick Cheney is not amused.

(Don't stand there gawping, like you've never seen the Hand of God before.)

Q: When Dick and and Lynn Cheney make love, does she make any sounds?

A: Only if you're a terrier.

Dick Cheney knows what's in Marcellus Wallace's briefcase.

In December of 2004 George Bush bet Dick Cheney that he couldn't swim across the Indian Ocean. While in the midst eventually winning this bet Dick Cheney came upon a tanker carrying several hundred thousand gallons of crude oil to Singapore. Being thirsty after not having ate or drank anything for 17 days he drank the tankers entire load of crude oil. A while later he pissed several hundred thousand gallons of refined gasoline into the ocean with such force that it caused a giant tidal wave better known as a tsunami or more specifically the Boxing Day tsunami.

That pool of warmed pissed out gasoline drifted for over 9 months until it reached the Atlantic Ocean and set in motion a series of factors that eventually lead to Hurricane Katrina.

He keeps the penny he won in the bet up Patrick Fitzgeralds ass, for safekeeping.

1) Dick Cheney's nickname for John Holmes was "Shrinkydink".

2) Dick Cheney's name is a killing word.

A man brings his clock to Dick Cheney to repair and complains: "It doesn't go tic-toc, tic-toc; it just goes 'tic-tic-tic’."

The Dick Cheney pulls out his cock and glares at the clock: "Ve hav vays to make you toc..."

When Dick Cheney goes for a prostate exam, the doctor has to have a big game license and experience in crocodile wrestling.

Dick Cheney is a direct male-line descendant of Genghis Khan.

Acted as martial-arts master and fight choreographer in Tarantino's Kill Bill movies. But only as a favor to Uma Thurman, who only took up with Ethan Hawke after Cheney dumped her for having ugly feet.

When Cheney agreed to join the secret Zionist neocon cabal, they arranged a bris.

58 hacksaw blades and 2 dead Mohels later, his neocon codename is "He of the Foreskin."

The myth of the Ouroboros was created when Dick Cheney created the universe by sodomizing himself.

When Mickey tells Rocky that he has to "eat thunder and crap lightning" he is just suggesting something he once saw Dick Cheney do.

Condi Rice, wasn't "born," per se - she actually sprung fully formed from Dick Cheney's forehead.

Young Dick Cheney's first movie experience was "Ol' Yeller". His bellowing laughter at the ending escaped from Earth's atmosphere in the form of radio waves, and will be heard by distant civilizations on the other side of the Milky Way in 3000 years.

Charles Krauthammer once wrote a column that Dick Cheney didn't much care for. 'nuff said.

Every year, Dick Cheney clones himself, and he and the clones fight to the death. Because only the meanest and most cruel version survives, he becomes progressively more evil.

He would fight others to the death, but remember: only Dick Cheney is hard enough to cut Dick Cheney.

Niccolo Machiavelli formulated his famous precept that "It is better for a ruler to be feared than loved" after seeing Dick Cheney berate a waitress at IHOP.

Cheney was shocked to find out that most people considered Sauron to be the bad guy in "The Lord Of The Rings" novels.

Dick Cheney's surgeries don't require bandages, because Dick Cheney doesn't have time to bleed.

Every time Cheney's heart beats, an angel gets his wings. Every time Cheney's heart skips a beat, an angel gets set on fire.

Dick Cheney's piss tastes like beer, his shit tastes like peanut butter.

Superman once launched Dick Cheney into deep space spinning two-dimensional glass prison. Cheney's smirk shattered the glass, and then he snapped Christopher Reeve's spine in half in order to suck out the nutritious fluid.

Trees lose their leaves because Cheney hits the campaign trail in the fall. It happens every year because trees don't know which years are election years.

Jose Padilla will be transferred to a secure polyp in Dick Cheney's colon. Whether the fourth circuit likes it or not.

Cheney... Haliburton... oil... dinosaur extinction. Do I have to paint a picture for you?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. But Dick Cheney made it a toll road and it got finished under budget and ahead of schedule.

Was Costner's body double for the bathing scene in Robin Hood.

Later slapped Costner upside the head for not being able to speak in a British Accent.

I know what you're thinking but he actually did it with a rolled up copy of Hustler.

Dick Cheney is the reason the Jews put lambs blood on their doors at the first Passover.

Dick Cheney was the one who told Saddam, "just keep acting like you've still got the WMDs- this will all blow over if they think you're nobody's bitch."

Dick Cheney engineered Carter's election in '76 so that the world would properly appreciate Reagan.

Karl Rove keeps Cheney's picture in his wallet.

Steven Hawking has dedicated every book he's written since 1981 to Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is the only man in history who has actually read "War and Peace". It took him 45 minutes.

Dick Cheney is responsible for Janet Jackson's Wardrobe Malfunction. The real Justin Timberlake remains "relaxing" at Gitmo.

The real reason the alien ship crashed at Roswell is as punishment for not paying proper respect to Dick.

Dick Cheney committed a wardrobe malfunction at the 2002 state of the union address.

John Kerry voted to be sodomized by Dick Cheney before he voted against it.

Most people sell their souls to the devil. The Devil sold his to Dick Cheney.

The glasses? X-ray specs.

Allah stopped blogging because Dick Cheney requested that he come to his 'undisclosed location'. One does not turn down Dick Cheney.

The only person ever to turn down Dick Cheney? Pat Morita. Pat Morita is no longer alive. Coincedence?

I don't know what it was Dick Cheney threatened W with after the nomination of Harriet Miers, but it sure was effective.

Dick Cheney is not into Betsy.

Dick Cheney IS, however, into bondage.

Or as he refers to it as, "Thursday"

The only know rift in the space time continuum is Dick Cheney's asshole. Some say it is a pathway to a better more peacefull dimension, some say it is the pathway to hell. Dick just says "It depends on who you ask" and then asks where your asshole leads....Dont answer, it's a trick question.

After the disaster of hurricane Katrins, Dick Cheney offered to use his cock to block the enormous hole in the 17th street levy until the city of New Orleans could be pumped dry. The army corps of engineers considered this helpfull offer but later declined, when they determined from advanced computer models that the incredible size of Mr. Cheney's cock would displace so much water from Lake Ponchatrain, that is would cause the flooding to spread to other areas.... the Rocky mountains to be exact.

Dick Cheney, a plan, a canal, Panama. Its not a plaindrome, but only because Dick Cheney is not merely a man.

After leaving the White House in 1974, Cheney became chief of security for Lynyrd Skynyrd. During a memorable concert at the Jacksonville Gator Bowl, he once head-butted an unruly gate crasher.

That drunk hillbilly is now known as Steven Hawking.

The last time Dick Cheney wore boxers, it set into motion a couse of events which resulted in a Category 5 hurricane slamming into the Gulf Coast.

Dick Cheney invented the internet. No, really.

In one of his earlier incarnations, Cheney was challeneged to a gunfight in a Sundance, Wyoming saloon by none other than William Bonney ("Billy the Kid"). Cheney didn't even look at the punk; he downed his whiskey and said, "KId, I crap bigger than you." He then went outside and proved it.

Over the year this prodigious turd hardened and calcified. On September 24, 1906, Teddy Roosevelt named it the first national monument in the United States.

Every time people sell their souls to Satan for fame, wealth, and worldy gain, Cheney let's Satan keep 10%.

Why's he keep Satan around? To laugh at him.

The size of the glacier on Kilamanjaro is inversely proportional to the influence of Dick Cheney. FYI, it has been receding for the past 6,000 years.

What does Dick Cheney call a TASER?

A sex toy.

A sex toy for pantywaists.

Cheney's cock is actually Governor Kathleen Blanco's alibi for the 24 hour delay in approving Federal help for New Orleans. Seems that when Cheney offered to cock-block the rising waters, the rapacious Gov. Blanco had other plans.

Cheney's favorite pick-up gambit in the Senate:

DC: Babs, do you know why you have one more brain cell than a cow?

BB: Huh?

DC: So when I squeeze your tits, you won't shit on my shoes. Let's eat.

Dick Cheney picks up kids from The Hapiness Bag, puts them on the rear seat of his bicycle built for two then bets them a dollar they can't beat him in a race around the block.

After every victory, he snatches their dollar, does an in-your-face victory dance and spikes a kitten.

And Mary said to the angel: How shall this be done, because I know not man? And the angel answering, said to her: The Holy Ghost shall come upon you and the power of the Most High shall overshadow you. And therefore also that which shall be born of you shall be called the Son of Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is so hard, he has a vestigal immune system.

Marty, that's scary. On my honor it took me 15 minutes to compose my crappy post.

Dick Cheney is so hard, if he were the SAT, Stephen Hawking would get a 150.

LOL, I thought it up while is was sitting on the can.

But then, I always think of Dick Cheneys cock while I'm sitting on the can. Just like Kathleen Blanco

Dick Cheney has two rather large anal warts, one on the inside of each butt cheek. This allows him to snap his ass shut like a change purse.

The movie Alien was based on the events surrounding Dick Cheney's birth.

At one point, Cheney considered diversifying his oil interests. He abandoned the idea after learning that baby oil wasn't actually made from babies.

Dick Cheney refers to R. Lee Ermy as "maggot".

Dick Cheney is so hard, if he were a crossword, they'd have to create a day after Sunday.

Hippies actually bathe as often as you or I. Their smell is a result of the fear of Cheney.

Remember the Nazi-melting rays emanating from the Ark of the Convenant? The infant Cheney. Or at the least the part poking out of his diaper.

Dick Cheney once received a "blumpy" from Mother Theresa.

If you hear a tree fall in the forest, it was probably just Dick Cheney whipping it out to take a leak.

Dick Chaney is so hard you would have to scratch him across a Diamond to ensure he was real.

If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, it's because Dick Cheney fucking killed them and has their skulls in his trophy room.

When a young Dick Cheney was teething, his momma gave him a rusty "I" beam to chew on. The beam lasted 12 seconds.

Everyone knows Dick Cheney runs an orphanage, but what most people don't know is the children are forced to work day and night in his secret lightless underground meth labs.

Dick Cheney is so hard, you can trowel concrete with his shadow.

When Dick Cheney was an infant, his mother had to wear a helmet during diaper changes, to protect herself from deadly head injuries.

.

Pez Candy dispensers were developed by a man who had just witnessed Dick Cheney letting a subordinate "go".

.

Wyoming Saying:
Where Dick Cheney goes, stallions soon weep.

.

Lake Woebgone, that place where all the women are strong? Dick Cheney fucked 'em.

.

Dick Cheney does not play pocket pool, he plays pocket snooker. If he plays at all.

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On occassion, Dick Cheney has pulled his own heart from his chest, just to see it beating.

.

As an undergraduate, Dick Cheney's lava lamp had real lava

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The Man With No Name's name is 'Dick Cheney'

,

Dick Cheney asked Digital Research's Gary Kildall to take him out for a ride in his plane.

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Cheney offered to teach John Edwards "how to pick up teeth with broken fingers" just before the vice-presidential debate.

Dick Cheney is such a bad-ass he can smoke an oak tree and blow mulch rings.

When Lynn asked her husband for cute little alligator hand-bag, he reach up a 30 foor alligators ass, grabbed it's snout, pulled it inside out, then handed it gingerly to Lynn. While reading the paper and fucking seven women , at the same time.

Dick Cheney can vibrate his body's molecules so quickly he can pass through solid metal walls. Plus, he can touch his nose with his tongue.

The atomic number of Dick Cheney is infinity, and he has a half-life of everything until now.

Real men love Jesus, smart men fear Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is a man of many faces. Two of them are Robin Givens and Buster Douglas. Not only did he fuck Mike Tyson, he also beat his ass!

Dick Cheney invented the "Pull My Finger" gag in San Fransisco, circa 1906.

Dick Cheney is such a stud that Mother Teresa was once heard saying, "Goddamn I'd like to get a piece o' that!"

When Dick Cheney goes to a rest stop, looking for anonymous gay sex, he has to get a permit from the city before constructing a glory-hole big enough to service his massive love muscle.

Time to go gargle with liquid Ivory and holy water for that one.

Dick Cheney's knuckle children are amphibious and smoke cigars.

Some dizzy french scientist figured out that Dick Cheneys precum could act as a vaccine for polio. Ironic that a cure for Polio would eminate from such an enourmous POLE.

The original make-up scheme for KISS was Demon, Cat, Star Child, and Dick Cheney's Cock. The latter had to be changed because they feared it would make their image "unwholesome."

The original line-up for Kiss first performed on a stage inside of Dick Cheneyes piss-slit. The Echo from the 500,000 fans was deafening though.

Italy is shaped that way because Dick Cheney hates Sicilians.

It used to be that there were camels with only one hump. Dick Cheney fucked some of them so hard they now have two.

Dick Cheney is such a cock-smith, gene simmons left gene simmons, to be with Dick Cheney.

Contrary to popular belief, "KISS" stands for "Dick Cheney, Man-God Overlord."

The letters don't correspond to the actual words because Dick Cheney don't sweat the fuckin' details.

Dick Cheney used to play in the Major Leagues until the commissioner ruled it unfair for him to use his schlong instead of a wooden bat.

KISS's Beth is really about Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney once set the world record in the pole vault holding nothing but a Budweiser and wearing only a very loose pair of jogging shorts.

Dick Cheney commissioned Metallica to write "Master of Puppets" for his wedding.

Dick Cheney is so good at cunnilingus that he can inhale through his ears, exhale through his eye sockets, and whistle Bolero out his asshole all at the same time.

Dick Cheney's first after-school job was as a pit fighter. Conan the Barbarian was based on his summer vacation.

The police call it "stalking." Dick Cheney calls it "foreplay."

History books say that the United States was founded by revolutionaries who defeated the British Empire, and that the capitol was named after the famed American General George Washington.

History books lie.

America was founded when a drunk Brit accidentally pissed in Dick Cheney's front lawn after a night drinking and celebrating the Queen's birthday. The ensuing month-long bloodshed finally ended when the remaining 17 British soliders, hiding in tea-barrels in Boston, were thrown into the river by sympathetic locals and an extravagant festival was held to distract Dick Cheney as those soliders floated down river and out to sea.

Dick Cheney, spent from the previous 571 continuous hours of bloodshed, wanted nothing to do with the governance of the newly founded republic. George Washington, a natural leader among those still living, stood up and posted guards around Dick Cheney's household to ensure no more urine was dropped and thus no more blood shed. His quick thinking enabled him to eventually elevate to the position of the first President of the United States. A few years later, it was proposed that the new capitol was to be renamed in honor of the first President. Always the leader, Washington proposed that the capitol should be named after the first President AND the person who made the founding of the country possible. Therefore the capitol was named Washington - Dick Cheney, and eventually shortened to Washington DC.

As a side note, the festival marking the end of the carnage is still remembered today as the day we all know as "Thanksgiving." The day the British solider relieved himself is also remembered, and although Hallmark has been able to change the name of the American celebration, it is still celebrated in Mexico under the original name, the "Day of the Dead."

Dick Cheney once drop-kicked a rabbi while dancing the hora at a bar mitzvah.

One Max Cady's right knuckles is tattooed "FEAR."

On the other knuckles is tattooed a picture of Dick Cheney discovering the Mississippi River.

While standing on top of an Egyptian pyramid, Cheney said, "Hey Rummie! Take a picture of this!" He whipped out his dork bat and slapped it on the Sphynx's upper lip, giving it a Nasty Adolph. Just as Rummie took the pic, the Sphynx's nose fell off.

Dick Cheney survived that South American flight that crash-landed in the Andes, where the survivors had to resort to cannibalism to live.

Although Dick Cheney was praised by the other survivors for his courage, he was also strongly criticized, as he had eaten "all the tasty-looking passengers" during the plane's pre-flight checklist.

Dick Cheney does not eat pussy. For foreplay he manipulates the woman's clitoris telepathically, which frees his mouth for tamales.

Delaware exists so that Dick Cheney has a place to store his pornos.

Dick Cheney is so hard, he once ate a hardback copy of Das Kapital, and his resulting bowel movement went on to rule Cuba for 50 years.

Okay, I've gotta stop for a sec . . .

Therefore the capitol was named Washington - Dick Cheney, and eventually shortened to Washington DC - fucking brilliant!

Although Dick Cheney was praised by the other survivors for his courage, he was also strongly criticized, as he had eaten "all the tasty-looking passengers" during the plane's pre-flight checklist. - also fucking brilliant!

The Canadian military came into existence when Dick Cheney fired his maid service.

Dick Cheney would murder a thousand blind orphans if it would save a single wombat.

People get the flu. The flu gets Dick Cheney.

It's said that Dick Cheney was born after Ronnie James Dio was bred with Godzilla.

In the original script the name was not Keyser Soze but Dick Cheney, it had to be changed because everytime Kevin Spacey said it, he got an erection.

Dick Cheney is the Sausage King of Chicago.

Dick Cheney went on an all night bender in Cyprus. After stepping outside to take a serious piss, the Mediterranean rose rapidly. When the sun rose, something seemed amiss.

Dick cheney's cock is so massive that when he slips on his Malcolm X condemn, Emergency helicopters try to land on it.

When stock car racer Dick Trickle thought about changing his name, Cheney told him to grow a fuckin' spine or he'd bend him over and give him one.

The box that the Constitution came in said: "Dick Cheney Not Incuded"

Yesterday I accidentally stepped on Dick Cheney's cock. I sold all my possessions and drove west until I ran out of gas. When I got out of my car I stepped on Dick Checkey's nuts. Then he kicked my ass.

Dick Cheney can fly, but chooses not to.

Dick Cheney didn't invent the Internet, but he did invent porn.

To work out, Dick Cheney lifts neutron stars, bends space-time, and sweats singularities.

Dick Cheney eats Johnny Coldcuts sandwiches.

Dick Cheney life inspired the movies Roadhouse, Mad Max, and Beaches-- the last because it was a movie the exact opposite of what Dick Cheney would fucking watch.

dick cheney once ate a train piece by piece.....after derailing it with his penis.

dick cheneys hemorrhoids are said to be the basis for the mid-nineties tommy lee jones volcano flick, aptly titled Volcano.

its rumored that the true reason we invaded iraq was because saddam had the nerve to ask cheney for a reach around.

the term donkey punch was coined after cheney had a weekend bender involving a crate of ether, some self-fellating midgets, and nancy pelosi.

dennis hopper's character in david lynch's Blue Velvet was based on cheneys years as a toddler.

We know the Yellowstone geyser as O'l Faithful, however, the good people of Wyoming all secretly refer to it as,"Cheney's Money Shot"

Dick Cheney's mother used to pack him TWO Lunchables.

Everytime Dick Cheney masturbates, God creates a kitten.

Dick Cheney can biodegrade styrofoam.

If Dick Cheney were to fight Cheney's Dick, it would end in a tie.

NORAD's Cheyene Mountain complex was built by following Dick Cheney's chest X-Ray.

The ancient Greeks believed that Atlas held the sky on his mighty shoulders. And when she skies shuddered with thunder, it was because Dick Cheney was tickling Atlas' ear with his dick.

dick cheney once told pete incaviglia he had a "purty mouth"

Dick Cheney recently framed a horse for the murder of Kenneth Pinyan.

Dude, Ace, I totally did an Atlas post already.

No one is really sure what brought the Black Death to Europe, which killed 1/3 of all Europeans alive at the time.

However, when asked about it in 1994, Dick Cheney did cryptically offer, "My bad."

I never stuttered at all until that fateful day when my eyes drifted right at the urinal, and I discovered I was standing next to Di..duhduhduh...d..DDI...Dduh...the Vice President.

Dick Cheney was the Kwisatz Haderach for a while, but decided it wasn't worth the hassle.

All Your Base Are Belong To Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney once put Bigfoot in a headlock. And then, of course, he fucked him.

The product of this union? You guessed it-- Gene Shalitt.

Dick Chaney was and is the anti christ

Dick Cheney originally planned to detonate a nuke in the San Andreas fault and break California off into the Pacific, so his cock could be the 50th state.

But he decided McCain didn't deserve beachfront property.

The lyrics to Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" were written after the band members sat behind Dick Cheney at a showing of "Schindler's List."

Dick Cheney likes to torture detainees in the name of democracy.

This isn't a Cheney joke, but I could easily riff off of the whole heavy metal theme all day. I encourage others to do so as well.

Dick Cheney once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

It took a team of cororners three weeks to separate out and reconstruct the bodies.

Dick Cheney is the consumate gentleman, and after porking Rosie O'Donnell, he wiped off his cock with Nancy Pelosi's bra.

Dick Cheney has single-handedly set back the civil rights movement 30 years.

Dick married Lynne because she was the only woman he ever dated who survived a Cheney-style "Dutch oven". He was doubly impressed when she somehow captured the fumes and converted them into a clean-burning fuel that kept their house warm through a particularly brutal Wyoming winter.

One day Dick Cheney was flipping through the channels on TV and came across Poison's Unskinny Bop on MTV, followed by Europe's The Final Countdown, followed by Queensryche's Silent Lucidity.

"What the fucking fuck is this shit?!" he bellowed in a voice so loud and pure it reduced alloys into their component metals.

And you never heard from any of them again.

To which Dick Cheney says, "You're welcome."

Additional fun science facts about Dick Cheney:

If an irresistible force struck an immovable object, it would release Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney knows the cat is dead. He doesn't need to open the box.

Dick Cheney will not float in salt water.

Shaking Dick Cheney's hand without injury is only possible because of the Leidenfrost effect.

As an object approaches the speed of light, its mass approaches Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney's shadow has a pH of 0.01.

Ice floats because Dick Cheney thought of hydrogen bonding. Remember to thank him for that.

Now that Jessica Simpson has dumped Nick, she has set her sights on Dick Cheney.

Mr. Cheney would be advised to avoid Jessica because of her confusion over tuna vs chicken, however, Cheney could instruct her on the difference between a pee-pee and a real cock!

Dick Cheney penned the lyrics to Rammstein's song "Du Hast" after watching the Million Man March on TV.

Dick Cheney has single-handedly set back the civil rights movement 30 years.

And in a recent speech he said, "We can do better."

Dick Cheney = Nixon + Mojo

Ergo: Debbie Gibson is pregnant with Dick Cheney's two-headed love child.

Unbeknownst to most, Dick Cheney wrote the Bill of Rights!

....with his purple veined and elongated penis!

Michelangelo thought of Dick Cheney while in bed with David.

When exposed to Red Kryptonite, Dick Cheney sprouts four extra arms, three additional cocks, and a baker's dozen of surplus balls.

Then he gets into his convertible Abrams tank and goes cruisin' for chicks.

Dick Cheney has a big penis. Ha-ha...

[crickets]

Its so big, its bigger than ... a big fish.

[someone farts]

...its bigger than, um, Tom Cruise....'s penis. And Tom Cruise is gay.

"You're not funny!" "Get off the stage!"

Because Dick Cheney likes to mix his Slurpees with half Coke and half Cherry, that's all you can find on a consistent basis in 9 out of 10 Seven Elevens.

"You're not funny!" "Get off the stage!"

Motion seconded.

Yngwie Malmsteen developed his lightning-fast guitar technique after watching Dick Cheney eat out Liddy Dole.

Skinbad,

In fairness, what other flavors do you need?

Dick Cheney is all-wise.

Men are always required to wear a jacket and tie in President Bush's Oval Office--except for Dick Cheney, who gets by with wearing only his bypass scar and a kilt knitted from the entrails of Taliban fighters.

Rick James is Dick Cheney's bitch.

Dood, you do know that Rick James is dead?

James Dean thought it would be pretty funny to cut Dick Cheney off in traffic.

Who's laughin' now, pretty-boy?

During a 1962 fraternity road trip Cheney attended a donkey show in a Tijuana nightclub. Today, as the "Shrine of the Weeping Burro," it attracts over 3 million pilgrims annually.

Dick Cheney owns the trademark on "Who farted?" t-shirts.

Dostoyevsky named his most famous novel after Dick Cheney's left and right testicles.

Crime & Punishment?

No, The Brothers Karamozov.

Lana Turner’s daughter Cheryl, on orders from Dick Cheney, stabbed Mafioso Johnny Stomponado, ending his life of crime and debauchery.

Cheney is the modern age Elliot Ness!

Dick Cheney was on death row once. His last request was to have the electrodes clamped to his nipples. When the switch was flipped, 50,000 volts coarsed through his body, giving him an orgasm so intense the gallery was covered in spooge and safety glass. Freeing himself from his bonds, Cheney then bent down, lit a cigarette from the blue arc still crackling between his balls, and gazed with satisfaction upon the bukake scene he'd just created.

Yes, I know Rick James is dead and that Dick Cheney spends most of his time at an undisclosed location.

Hey, has anyone seen Dave Chappele lately?

Dick Cheney performed the first male-to-female sex change operation, using a procedure which today is known as "eye contact with Dick Cheney."

Dick Cheney rejects Dr. Spock's child-rearing advice in favor of the wisdom of Gunny in Full Metal Jacket.

When Bruce Banner is angered, he turns into the Incredible Hulk.

When Dick Cheney is tranquilized, he does the same.

It's a little known fact that Dick Cheney grew up in Colorado. When he was 12 years old, his father decided to take Dick up into the mountains and leave him there for the summer. Thought it would "toughen him up some." So, after his last day of school, young Dick and his father climbed into the rusty family truck and headed for the hills. Leaving him with a shovel, 3 matches, a half-eaten bologna sandwich and the admonition of "leaves of 3, let 'em be," his father said goodbye to his son.

3 months later, the father returned to find young Dick waiting for him, clad only in a loincloth, astride a completely shaven grizzly bear. Almost immediately after inquiring as to the activities that had transpired in the 3 months since their parting, the Cheney family packed up all their belongings and moved to Wyoming.

Santa had stopped to visit the troops in Iraq on Christmas eve. An rpg took out all 9 reindeer (yes 9). Christmas would be lost if not for the quick thinking Cheney. He grabbed Ted Kennedy out of the local Booby Trap, bolted some antlers to his head, filled his ass with rocket fuel and off they went, with Kennedy's red nose out front to light the way!

H.L. Mencken didn't have a clue, until he met Dick Cheney.

After being dumped by Dick Cheney, Dian Fossey went crazy and devoted her life to gorillas in Africa.

After Cheney ordered a preemptive air strike, the Island of Misfit Toys ain't feeling so fucking misfit anymore.

Dick Cheney was a backup singer for Barbra Streisand until she discovered he was endowed with a large microphone, which frightened the delicate wallflower who was more accustomed to men best described as diminutive.

Dick Cheney used to write childrens' stories under the pen name "H.P. Lovecraft."

More fun science facts about Dick Cheney:

The only known solvent for Dick Cheney is a two mol solution of Ronald Reagan.

Dick Cheney runs an Ace of Base fansite.

Dick Cheney has on occasion performed the high wire act with the famous Flying Wallendas. With his massive leg structure, he was always on the lowest rung to support the weight of the other performers.

When the Wallendas fell, Cheney was not performing or he would have been able to grasp the wire with his massive penis to prevent falling and at the same time save at least two of the performers.

To this day, Dick Cheney is saddened for not accepting there offer to perform on that fateful day.

1) The universe has four basic forces: gravity, electromagnetism, the weak nuclear force, and Dick Cheney.

2) Recently, the Hubble was able to peer far enough into theheart of the universe to determine the state of the universe a femtosecond aftre the Big Bang. What it was Dick Cheney.

3) Everytime Dick Cheney submits his draft of the State of the Union Address, it always reads the same: "It's just the way I want it, Bitch.".

4) Much of the movie Predator was inspired by Dick Cheney, specifically the characters played by Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Sonny Landham, and the Predator.

5) Most of Stephen King's novels were inspired by a single night's visit from Dick Cheney.

"God is dead." -- Nietschze

"Nietschze is dead." -- God

"If I hear any more squabbling out of the two of you, I'm turning this fuckin' car around right now." -- Dick Cheney

The Vatican issued Dick Cheney a special papal dispensation to use the words "turgid" and "moist" in mixed company.

Poison's CC Deville was, in fact, named after Cheney. In the aforementioned Unskinny Bop cataclysm, it was less the music than the fact that Dick looked into the soul of his namesake and was ... appalled. Cheney's "you're welcome" was not aimed at the throngs of people silently thanking him for categorically removing that music from the air, because frankly he doesn't listen to a bunch of pussies who would admit to listening to "The Final Countdown."

The "you're welcome" was aimed at G*d H*mself, who had not figured out how to get that noxious shit off the air without offending the pope.

Democrats have five hundred words for Dick Cheney. They use none of them for fear that he will hear them call his name.

After sodomizing Barbara Boxer, he makes her eat the massive wad of shit on the tip of his johnson, which he calls "The Frenchman's Cap."

Everyone knows about the whitehouse.gov/wh*tehouse.com debacle.

Cheney needed the web front to house his blackmail pictures of Rosie O'Donnel and Barbara Walters, and decided to pick up a little extra scratch in the offing.

If Dan Rather wants his question answered, he should ask, "What's the Frequency, Dick Cheney".

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that it is impossible to know the position and momentum of Dick Cheney's Cock precisely at any moment.

The corollary to this principle is that one must, whenever possible, keep one's pooper facing a steel-reinforced wall.

Dick Cheney was born by C-section, which he himself performed. He scored his first kill after the obstetritian tried to spank him. Then he fucked 3 nurses, causing his first heart attack.

Dick Cheney is the only human being banned by the Geneva Conventions. He could give a rat's ass.

Eskimos have forty words for Dick Cheney's cock.

Dick Cheney fucked Schroedinger's Cat before he put it in the box.

Dick Cheney never lets the wookie win.

Dick Cheney fathered Yoko Ono, just coz he thought McCartney was a pussy.

Dick Cheney has a Class-A subnet allocated to each of his balls.

Dick Cheney no longer has the heart of a mortal man, but was secretly implanted with a bionic version at NORAD underground in Colorado.

When receiving his annual physical, the physician commented after reading his ECG, "Vice-President Cheney's readings were abnormal, and appeared to be synched with the Rolling Stones Brown Sugar."

The reason Jimmy Page played bass in the Yardbirds wans't because they already had Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck on lead. it was because Dick Cheney said he wasn't good enough yet and should get to fucing work on getting better.

God: "Let there be light!"

Dick Cheney: "Not until I fucking say so. Now get your ass back in bed and bring that economy sized bottle of lube with you!"

James Bond is the only agent who ever successfully infiltrated Cheney's underground lair of evil. He was apprehended by henchmen and strapped to a laser table over a shark tank with a countdown clock.

"Do you expect me to talk, Cheney?" said Bond.

It was lunchtime, so Cheney ate him.

grok
/grok/, /grohk/

1. To understand. Connotes
intimate and exhaustive knowledge of Dick Cheney's cock.
2. The creak of a ribcage right before it bursts asunder.
Syn. Death-rattle.

Dick Cheney is a stern man with genitals well above average size.

Barney Frank, (D) Fagsachusetts maintains a perpetual erection for Dick Cheney. Lynn Cheney has threatened to take him best two out of three falls for messing with her man.

Dick Cheney was a consultant for the movie Deliverance. He taught Ted Kennedy's nephew how to play the banjo, and also instructed the hillbilly on butt thumping the interloper!

The movie "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is widely known to be loosely based on a true story. The part of the story that isn't widely known is that "true story" is Dick Cheney's trip to South Padre Island on Spring Break, 1963.

Geddy Lee was forced to write "Tom Sawyer" after losing a thumb-wrestling match with Dick Cheney.

Interesting that you mention grok.

That's also the klingon word for a stew made from the brains of a deceased science fiction writer mixed with a load of Cheney junk.

In what is considered Klingon humor, most menus list the concoction as "Cheney in a Strange Man".

Dick Cheney's time as a half back for an Irish rugby team is why he always refers to Nancy Pelosi as a "silly bint"and why, prior to every State of the Union address, he slams three pints of Guinness and headbutts Ted Kennedy in the balls.

Cheney killed Schroedinger's cat, but he didn't tell anyone.

When vikings would brag about men they had raped during a pillage, they would assure their fellows that it had not been in a gay way, but "like Dick Cheney."

When Dick Cheney holds a seashell to his ear, he hears the theme to Sanford & Son

Dick Cheney is the perpetual sophomore. He is constantly inundated with offers of casual sex by vexing young maidens, but being the standard bearer of good moral behavior, he refuses to accommodate their wishes.

Secretly, he just doesn't want to expose his gargantuan manhood and have it spoken about in the tabloids. Dick Cheney is every man’s idol! Liberals secretly worship his cock!

Dick Cheney's father's name is Richard, and his mother's maiden name is Marjorie Dickey. (Seriously.)

Dick Cheney is the only human being banned by the Geneva Conventions. He could give a rat's ass.

That's because he thought the Geneva Conventions were an annual meeting for gay, transvestite hookers who ate fondu and ice skated.

In a scene reminiscent of "Crossroads", Cheney battled Neal Peart in a rhythm contest. Neal got his ass kicked, but only because he mistook Cheney's schlong for a kick pedal.

Clarification of CS's comment:

As an object approaches the speed of light, its mass approaches the gravitas of Dick Cheney.

Few people know that Dick Cheney won the 1985 Superbowl. The NFL considered the game too pathetic to air because for the entire fourth quarter William "Refrigerator" Perry sobbed uncontrollably.
To this day whenever Cheney visits Chicago, Mike Ditka has to carry his dick.

The MSM calls them insurgents. Cheney calls them warm up.

The MSM calls them suicide bombers. Cheney calls them pulled pork buffet.

Katie Couric calls it "the president getting on the same page as his generals.." Cheney calls Katie Couric a stupid bitch.

The MSM calls a decrease in growth in spending a cut. Cheney calls open heart surgery an outpatient procedure.

The MSM calls it torture. Cheney calls it better than they deserve.

The MSM calls it the Religion of Peace. But then, they also will only call Cheney "The Vice President." Pussies.

The MSM is outraged that defense contractors are feeding stories to the Iraqi Press. Without Cheney, there wouldn't be an Iraqi press. Hell, without Cheney, there wouldn't be the MSM.

The MSM admiringly calls a sexually voracious Bill Clinton a metrosexual. Cheney calls him disco.

The MSM stands in awe of Jimmy Carter as a negotiator and as a dimplomacist. Cheney calls the MSM "a bunch of faggoty idiots who are so self absorbed that they wouldn't know G*d if I let H*m stare them in the eye." And he calls Carter a lightweight.

Paul Krugman has concerns about Cheney's health. Cheney "has concerns" about the Krugman's health. Paul Krugman does not mention Cheney's health anymore.

Cheney's location is undisclosed in the same way as a black hole's singularity is "undisclosed" to a telescope.

DC is Reverend Bob Dobbs twin brother.. the one with all the talent.

Cheney is in a secure bunker in an undisclosed location. Not for his protection, but for ours.

Yes, Dick Cheney may well be held incommunicado at an undisclosed location, but his dick will always be secrued in the Al Gore lockbox!

Remember when all those rethuglicans stood outside the veeps house in Nov 2000 chanting at Algore: "Get out of Cheney's house"?

Well, Tipper agreed. She told Al to get out. She stayed behind to "finish packing".

Best six months of her life.
She can't walk anymore, but it was worth it.

Goes without saying that Ace found the right man for this treatment.

I know I'll never think of the guy the same way again.

Dick Cheney knows every number to Pi, but he doesn't have to tell you anything, you candy-ass cunthair.

Imaginary numbers used to be real until Dick Cheney convinced humanity they were a fucking myth.

When Dick Cheney meets Powers Boothe, Powers Boothe takes it like a whiny bitch.

Cheney goes to Mexico TO drink the water.

The Water? Cheney gives it the shits.

Dick Cheney was offered the opportunity to replace Johnny Wadd in some imaginative porn flicks, but refused the offer because of shyness.

Additionally, the producer had a problem locating women willing to ride the Big Kahuna! Most were frightened to even think about climbing aboard the large purple-veined thumper, and the only person willing was the pink pinafore wearing liberal, Miss Barney Frank.

Dick Cheney doesn't take a Clinton without wiping his Gore afterwards. Hygiene, that's Dick Cheney's motto: "No body, no crime; no Wesley Crusher, no problem. Pass that Dead Puppy Stew, Babs, you bitch."

Bears crap in the woods because Dick Cheney told them to, and they are too scared to disobey.

When former Dallas Cowboys wide reciever Michael Irvin was temporarily paralyzed in a game against the Philadelphia Eagles at Veteran's Stadium, it was Dick Cheney who started the crowd cheering at Irvin's suffering.

Born with four teeth, Dick Cheney circumcised himself using only his razor-sharp incisors. For the next six months, Baby Dick used his own foreskin as a teething ring.

Dick Cheney ended his friendship with Johnny Cash after he decided Cash was "too clingy." Cash was so crushed by this rejection he turned to covering NIN songs.

Due to a dirty look Dick Cheney once directed at her, Maureen Dowd's ovaries are no longer functional.

The Apollo astronauts didn't ride Saturn 5 rockets to the moon, Cheney ejaculated them and their return capsules to the moon.

Dick Cheney's chest hairs are known (to the state of California) to cause cancer.

The only person to have ever been factually documented to possess larger testicles than Dick Cheney is Molly Ivins!

Hat tip to BrewFan (none to Cedarford):

Dick Cheney-- LIGHTNING BOLT!!! LIGHTNING BOLT!!! LIGHTNING BOLT!!!

In his house at R'lyeh Cheyney's cock lies dreaming.

Dick Cheney, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

Dick Cheney murdered Paul McCartney and made it look like a car accident.

Just now, from WoW:
Dementor pokes Bandia. Hey!
Bandia pokes Dementor. Hey!
Alear yells: Dick Cheney doesn't say Hey!, he just snarls, by which you infer it's time to bend over.
Smokeymind yells: LMFAO!!!

Question: Why does dick cheney celebrate his birthday by fucking a half dozen dwarves to death, drinking gallons of tequila, and smoking angel dust?

Answer: Don't ever fucking question Dick Cheney.

Bitch.

In order to protect his loved ones from his one-man war on crime, Dick Cheney has assumed the secret identity of the mild-mannered Wolverine.

Shortly after arriving home from the weekly Washington, D.C. Chapter of Affirmation meeting, Dick Cheney's daugher accidentally slammed Mr. Vice President's penis in the car door. A loud scream was heard but that was because Dick was already on his living room couch yelling at the TV about how the Capitals couldn't score a goal if they're lives depended on it.

In the remark of King Kong, Dick Cheney has a small part, or at least a small part of Dick Cheney has a bit part in the movie.

Dick Cheney's rather ample penis is proudly displayed attached to King Kong. It's a donkey kong moment!

MacBeth: "To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace "
Dick Cheney: Scalia, is this still hunting season?
Justice Scalia: "Yes sir."
Dick Cheney: "Good, kill this prick."
Justice Scalia: "Yes sir."
Macbeth: "... signifying nothing. Screw you Dick Cheney, I practiced that." Dies.
Dick Cheney: "Next time, Scalia, go for the head shot."

I guess we all know now what the "c" in VRWC stands for...

Unless you have the director's cut you can't see Dick Cheney paddle out with Bodhi to catch the most bitchen wave ever.

Of course Mary Cheney is a lesbian. She was traumatized at conception.

Dick Cheney ripped the arms off of an elderly Floridian in a supermarket checkout because "What the fuck do you think 10 items or less fucking means gramma?!"

He then slapped the checkout girl on the ass with one of the old woman's dismembered hands, gave her a wink (which was enough to cause impregnation) and walked out of the store with his groceries, arms included, whistling Zipadee-Doo-Dah.

Dick Cheney once did drugs. He gave it up though when he couldn't artificially replace the high he gets when slowly destoying the souls of the damned.

Mr. Dick Cheney makes Merle Haggard look like Gary Glitter.

Joseph P. Kennedy pissed off Dick Cheney one day. The result is known to history as the Kennedy Curse.

What was Mona Lisa thinking about when she wore that smile? You guessed it.

Graffiti on the wall of Saddam's personal bathroom wall: DICK CHENEY BEFORE HE DICK'S YOU!

Dick Cheney likes sandwiches with jelly and peanut butter--chunky... but not so much peanut butter that it overwhelms the jelly. There is a nice balance which he finds sufficiently tasty, preferably on that "7 Grain" wheat bread as well but he isn't too picky.

Not many people realize this about Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney actually got the online discount from Best Buy.

Cheney got Christmas changed to X-mas because it was fairer than a flat tax.

Cutting costs in government is easy, according to Cheney. Simply keep the half of government workers that taste like Gary Coleman.

The Six Degrees of Separation from Dick Cheney:

1. I was on TV once. (Was gonna be twice, but my lawyers took care of that.)

2. That still on Marilyn Monroe's skirt hanging up? Dick Cheney farted. Lynne commented "You're such a dick."

3. The grassy gnoll was not there until Dick Cheney's thought : "It looked so good out this morning, I thought I'd leave it out all day".

4. Lou Reed heard about TV, but won't admit it in public. Dick Cheney allows this aberration, because now and again Dick Cheney takes a walk on the wild side.

5. The famous line "I've got blisters on my fingers" was originally in four-part harmony, until Phil Specter decided he'd had it with the wall of sound. And Dick Cheney didn't want it known how many Beatles it took to get him off.

6. Dick Cheney saw TV back in the 50's, but I wasn't on then. Good for me. Else I'd be dead, or in Limbo, which is kinda like dead, but noone knows anymore.

So, ergo purgo, I'm 6 degrees away from Dick Cheney. I got that goin' for me.

Three men were sitting by a campfire when they heard thrashing through the brush and a horrible growl. A 7', 350lb muscle sculpted man rode up on the back of a grizzly bear. He reached into the boiling pot and stuffed the burning food into his mouth, grabbed the boiling coffee and chugged it then took a dump and wiped his ass with a cactus.

He slapped the grizzly, mounted it and said to the men. "Hate to eat and run but Dick Cheney is after me and he's only a few hours behind me"

...and one day, in band camp, Dick Cheney pretended to be a flute.

- I'm jealous of this one:

Dick Cheney survived that South American flight that crash-landed in the Andes, where the survivors had to resort to cannibalism to live.

Although Dick Cheney was praised by the other survivors for his courage, he was also strongly criticized, as he had eaten "all the tasty-looking passengers" during the plane's pre-flight checklist.

-ace

In addition to damn good funny, it stings, as yesterday, I strained to come up with an Andean plane crash, Cheney-eats-the-survivors-joke.

My takes were all lame, involving a rescue team arriving to find Cheney limb in mouth, saying 'Crash?' -somehow that he'd either stumbled onto the sit or such. Another possibility was where the joke was the crash was right next to a town or easy food source implying Cheney prefers to eat corpses. Couldn't make either work and thought the funny just wasn't in there. Trust me, I tried.

Ace comes along and kills, showing the joke was in revealing Cheney ate the passengers before the crash/plane took off. The funny was lying right there the Whole Damn Time.

It's like I was working on a chick all night, Ace walks into the bar, says two words and starts nailing her right there on the bar in front of me.

Fuck you very much.

Posted by Dr. Reo Symes at December 2, 2005 10:29 PM

You know, something like that happened to me once in a Georgetown bar many years ago. I was talking this really hot chick up, and then in walks Dick Cheney.

He has maybe four shots at the bar, and knocks them down like he's some kind of machine. Then, he paused, looked over the bar and saunters over. He said hi to my lady friend and myself.

At first, I was worried he was going to take this girl I was working on, but then he stared at me with those eyes of his, eyes that pierced my soul like two bullets, and then he said two words.

"I'm Dick."

Then, for the greatest five hours of my life, he went at me like a viking. And once he was done, I said "Thank you, sir." He just got dressed and walked out the door, though I remember that he paused and gave me a slight sneering smile before he walked out into the night.

And I've been a raging homosexual ever since.

After a horrific airplane crash in the Andes, passengers of the doomed flight began to feast upon the only substance available, Dick Cheney's cock. The surprised V.P. exclaimed
"FINALLY!!!! Someone who doesn't just lay there!"

Dick Cheney was once quoted as saying "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals, and speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge with your cock, and on that day, you will finally meet the man." A slightly edited version was used by Joss Whedon in his series "Firefly". The series was canceled soon after. Coincidence?

The pickup line he used as a teenager; "Rub some Dick Cheney on it.", actually worked. In that it caused women to offer up poon, AND if you rubbed Dick Cheney on your problems, they went away!

Mary Cheney is a lesbian because Dick Cheney is attracted to women and, well, if your father were Dick F'n Cheney, wouldn't you try to be just like him in every way, too?

(Dick: I'm sorry to get personal like this. I didn't mean it like that! Please don't kill me, I just-- <ugh!>

...

Goes without saying that Ace found the right man for this treatment.

Yea, I wish I had thought of Dick Cheney.

Yea, I wish I had thought of Dick Cheney.

You see, that's funny, because personally, I can't stop thinking of Dick Cheney. Tell me, did you ever wonder what Dick Cheney's plan for your salvation is?

Yeah, by one minute, Bart. One f'n minute.

One f'n minute.

Einstein theorized that nothing could go faster than the speed of light, which was constant. However, scientists have recently learned that light travels even faster ... when it's running from Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney killed the dinosaurs. One at a time.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 11:27 PM

The dinosaurs didn't die. They're hiding from Dick Cheney.

It wasn't the magic bullet that wounded JFK and Governor Connally. Dick Cheney was fucking a Mexican hooker in a downtown Dallas hotel and the bitch wouldn't swallow.

Dick Cheney doesn't get "humor."

It's a little-known fact that the warheads of JDAMs are pieces of Dick Cheney's stool.

Islamic Fundamentalism = your only choice once you've pissed off Cheney.

215,000 jobs created in November

You could double that if Cheney would pay us for this.

In what will come to be known as military genius, Cheney long ago issued a preemptive strike against the French by assuming a little public identity he calls "Jerry Lewis."

"Sure you do. Should be over in a few days."

What Cheney said when he was asked by Egypt, Syria, and Jordan in 1967 if they should attack Israel.

Sure we have an exit strategy if things turn bad in Iraq.

Two words: Cheney, chainsaw.

Dick Cheney's infamous "undisclosed location"? FUNKYTOWN!

Dick Cheney went to see the devastation in New Orleans. While there, he took a piss which caused the Mighty Mississippi to flow backwards, draining all the remaining water out of the 9th Ward. All the muck left behind was found to be radioactive.

J. Edgar Hoover never wore a dress... until reading Dick Cheney's file, and it spoke to him. No, really. It grew a diseased yellow beak and spoke to him with a voice that would make the dead cross their legs.

See, merely writing or speaking his name has a 17% chance (2d10) to open a portal to a little place called Limbo, which of course, is the destination of any who cross D.C. And the old ones just wanted to know if J Edgar could maybe ask D.C. to forgive them.

Hoover explained to Cheney he knew where all the bodies were buried. He then put on a dress and shut the hell up after Cheney had him hump the ground to dig a hole where the NEXT body would be buried.

--------------------

The Japanese preoccupation with Godzilla and Tentacle sex? All burned into their psyche after Dick Cheney visited as part of the student exchange program.

--------------------

Cheese whiz? Look, the less you know, the better off we'll all be. It hasn't killed you yet, right? And it makes Cheney happy.

--------------------

Pi r squared? If you really think about it, just how crazy is that? Again though, it pleases Cheney.

--------------------

Oh, and the "axis" the Earth turns on? Yeah. Just one of D.C.'s pubes. And if we don't start shaping up, one day he's gonna want it back.

Dick Cheney invented Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.

In hell.

So last Thursday morning I burned a piece of toast. As I was scraping off some of the black, I realized that it kind of looked like Dick Cheney's face. Ok, not a really good likeness, but enough that I figured I'd work on it some more later and try to get a few bucks on e-bay.

I made another piece of toast and went to work.

When I got back that evening, the toast and my harley were missing, there was a dead hooker under my mattress, and I found a soggy dead cat tied in a knot laying on the garage floor.

Coincidence? Whatever. I threw out the toaster and didn't call the cops.

Why did Dick Cheney cross the road?

Premptive strike. He was daring that damned road to retaliate.

Micheal Irvin once asked Dick Cheney to skull fuck his nose to increase the volumetric flowrate of cocaine he could snort.

The results speak for themselves.

Ace,

You easily have enough Dick Cheney material for daily "Obscure Factoids about Dick Cheney" peel off calenders for the next 4 years. Think about it.

What does Dick Cheney eat for lunch? BLT's. Baby, lettuce and tomato.

The Catholic Church has revised its rite of exorcism to read:

"The Power of Dick compels you."

Summoned Mike Ditka to his lair in a challenge to determine the world's baddest human--then tore out Ditka's artificial hip, ground it into oatmeal, and applied it to his penis, which he then inserted into Ditka's (wait, this is starting to read like Penthouse forum...)

Dick Cheney has been reading these threads and he is greatly pleased...

...but not with everyone.

Does anyone else find in ironic that Davey Crockett's body was never found after the Alamo fell? If a person wanted to fake his death and resurface after a long vacation in an undisclosed location, wouldn't it make sense to keep the same initials so that you could keep all your old monogramed ties and sweaters?

"Killed him a ba'r, when he was only three"?????? Sounds a lot like someone we all know and fear, doesn't it? And don't forget his famous parting line after losing his seat in Congress: "I'm going to Texas, and all of you can go to Hell." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, and the word "monogramed"? Two m's or three in the word? Like it matters. Cheney says two, so two it is. You got a problem with that?

A census taker once tried to test Dick Cheney. He ate his liver with some fava beans and washed it down with a tall, cool Budweiser.

Hannibal Lecter always leaves an extra place set at his table during Passover for "the Prophet Cheney", along with a helping of human brains, red beans & rice, and a glass of port.

(D-max, our muses must be IM-ing each other)

Michelle Malkin was preparing a column this morning decrying the vulgarity of all the South Park Republicans over at the AoSHQ for all their cock jokes, until she heard that all the references were referring to Dick Cheney's cock.

Her response to this? She flashed a knowing smile and said "Gosh, what am I going to do about you kids?"

Our military is working on larger caliber sniper rifles because of complaints by Vice President Cheney about the difficulty of skull-fucking Al Quaida corpses through .50-cal bullet holes. High ranking sources say his remarks mentioned something about "...camel through the eye of a needle".

During the initial conceptualization of the Superman comics, the designers were unsure of the logo and sought out one of the world’s most renowned authorities.

After discussing the endless possibilities with Dick Cheney, they replicated the "S" tattoo they found emblazoned upon Dick Cheney's rather ample girthed penis.

When erected to its magnificent 14"X 9" ready for action state, it clearly read Superman!

Moral: Don't fuck with Dick Cheney!

Dick Cheney's favorite genital piercing? A "Prince Albert" setup, with the bronzed skulls of suicide bombers attached using a 12" long chunk of steel rebar.

The last person in DC who crossed Dick Cheney? Chandra Levy.

This thread seems to be .... errr .... petering out.

Should we call it done, or as I like to say, "CHENEYed" at an even 1000?

Ya know...for Mike's sake.

I googled "Dick Cheney's cock" to see how far this topic had spread throughout the blogosphere, and I got this as the #1 result:

http://www.poormojo.org/pmjadaily/archives/001883.html

And yes, Dave, it IS old news, but it's still funny.

-Ceaser and his legions crossed the Rubicon on Dick Cheney's cock.

Dick Cheney then violated the Colosseum.

-Dick Cheney eats your personal liberties for breakfest.

The Dresden Firestorm occurred when Dick Cheney broke wind after having eaten a spicy Tex-Mex meal.

Dick Cheney tried to console you, yet you still cried. Why is it always about you? Fine. Go hang yourself, fag; Dick Cheney laughs at you, and not under his breath.

Yeah, by one minute, Bart. One f'n minute.

Well, technically, yes, but essentially a tie. No matter, See-Dubya, Ace gets the cred. Ace is tops!

.

It's not a stent, it's ammo.

.

Bill Ardolino wakes up in a cold sweat after nightmares of having to tell Dick Cheney he's been banned from INDC.

LaShawn Barber has a "Cheney" complex.

You know what Bill Ardolino says when Dick Cheney doesn't give him a ticky-tack link?

Not a goddamned thing, that's what.

You know what INDC stands for?

I'm
Not
Dick
Cheney

Yeah, as if we couldn't guess that.

Dick Cheney just heard Dee Da Go's suggestion that we cap this thread at 1000, and he thinks BOYS, THAT DOG WON'T HUNT!

Mikey knew what he was getting into when he volunteered to judge this contest. In the words of that late, great philosopher, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson....."Buy the ticket, take the ride." So you have to take a sick day to read all the comments, is that too much to ask to prove your fealty to the Dark Lord Cheney?

Dammit, away from keyboard for a few days and I miss another contest.

OK, three last-minute tries.

The W3 has deprecated the 404 error in favor of the 666 error: "Dick Cheney forbids you to view this page."

Do you know why unicorns are extinct? Because they don't fucking listen when Dick Cheney speaks!

The character of Stewie Griffin is based on Dick Cheney's penis.

Little known fact about Cheney's former Congressional district in Wyoming, is comprised solely of Halliburton stock options. No person with a soul can enter the district without annointing their forehead with the warm blood of a dead hippy.

Bonus fact, Cheney's fortune comes from his ownership interest in Wyoming hippy farms.

Also, the BFG from Doom was conceived after an watching an old b&w security film of Cheney's cock slaughtering the board of directors of rival corporation Blackwood. That tape also contains footage of the only known Cheney smile.

He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake. Bitch.

Mikey knew what he was getting into when he volunteered to judge this contest.

In point of fact, I did not. For the simple reason that AOSHQ has never had even a fraction of the comments on a single topic that we see here. I was expecting maybe 150-200 comments, at most.

Which is why Ace and Laura are now laughing their asses off at me.

OK, three last-minute tries.

Don't get your hopes up.

.....AOSHQ has never had even a fraction of the comments on a single topic that we see here. I was expecting maybe 150-200 comments, at most.

This proves that the power of The Cheney is awesome and dangerous. Would anyone else have given birth to 1000 entries? Bill Gates? Maybe 300. Allah? 450 tops. bbeck's titties? OK, maybe they would give Cheney a run for his money, but most of the posts would be repetitive.

All Dick Cheney does is swim, eat, and make baby sharks. Yes, I said sharks, dammit. You think his sperm would create anything as wimpy as human children?

It's widely known that Dick Cheney doesn't masturbate, but he did achieve orgasm without sex ONCE. He was fantasizing about.............having sex with Dick Cheney (not in a gay way, but more like A VIKING). One of his sperm cells managed to survive re-entry, grow appendages, and went on to achieve fame and acclaim as Yoda, the wisest Jedi master in the history of the Universe.

special sekret message to Michael (oh yeah, and Bill is a poopy, poop, poop.....poop mouth. You're a poop mouth, Bill.)

Dick Cheney cooks his bacon in the nude... with his penis.

When Dick Cheney goes in for a checkup, he has to use the special room equipped with ropes and pulleys. That's so the doctor can get a clear shot when he taps his knees.

And Ace, from about a hundred posts ago--pina colada slurpees.

Dick Cheney authored the childrens books read to a young Tookie Williams. Hence the propensity for mayhem, violence, and homosexual rape (not to mention strong organizational skills).

Kill one and you are a murderer. Kill a million and you are a conquerer. Kill them all and you are Dick Cheney.

special sekret message to Michael (oh yeah, and Bill is a poopy, poop, poop.....poop mouth. You're a poop mouth, Bill.)

Dang! You really know how to manipulate me!

The Krakatoa eruption? The Cheney family refers to it as "Chili night."

Dick Cheney slew ten thousand with a jawbone of an ass just for giggles.

Dick Cheney sucessfully fought Superman in Action Comics # 2. Jerry Seigal and Joe Shuster quietly killed off the character after they discovered he was selling secrets to "The Hun" in exchange for oil rights in "Mesopotamia"

In reality the Titanic ran into a Cheney "dickberg".

Dick Cheney does not sleep. He waits.

Stole $8000 dollars from Uncle Billy, who had stupidly inserted it the NY Times (serves him right!).

Drove George Bailey to the bridge, then threw him off.

Rings bells, just to make angels get their wings, then kills them with an infinity-gauge shotgun..

(Alternate Ending)

Maureen Dowd could become straight again with a Cheney injection.