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December 02, 2005

Secret Settlement In Koko-the-Gorilla Groping Case

Yeah, so, Koko the talking gorilla turned out to have a "nipple fetish," and her female caretakers were encouraged to show her their breasts.

They sued, claiming sexual harassment by a lesbian gorilla.

The case has been settled but the terms are confidential.

The lawsuit, seeking more than $1 million in damages, focused fresh attention on Koko, already well known for her purported American Sign Language vocabulary of more than 1,000 words.

Turns out 600 of those words were just synonyms for hooters, like "chesticles," "Mommy sacs," and "sweater stretchers."

"We all want to get this behind us and move on with our lives," said Stephen Sommers, representing the plaintiffs.

I find this statement amusing for some reason.

"This is the first time and hopefully the last time the Gorilla Foundation will have to deal with anything of this type," said the nonprofit's attorney, Todd Roberts.

I doubt it. The rate of recidivism among nipple-obsessed bi-curious sign-language-speaking knocker-kongs is distressingly high.

A separate suit has not yet been settled.

It alleges that she was forced to display her breasts to the lowland gorilla seven or eight times to cater to Koko's obsession with nipples.

Again, it's just so unlikely I'll have the chance to quote a similar sentence I have to do so again.

Thanks to Old Coot.

posted by Ace at 01:17 PM

Comments

What we need to know, was if the plaintiffs between those golden years of 15-20. Otherwise, that lesbian gorilla was seeing sub-par boobies.

Posted by: carin on December 2, 2005 01:35 PM

Just can't get enough AP editorialization:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051202/ap_on_go_ot/vietnam_skewed_intelligence_5;_ylt=AuC1QP5hKvzD0JkPsK.eubxHNBEB;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

Posted by: Greg on December 2, 2005 01:47 PM

There's a successful Fox situation comedy in here somewhere.

Posted by: Nickie Goomba on December 2, 2005 02:05 PM

Just imagine what Monty Python's Flying Circus would do with this.

Posted by: Old Coot on December 2, 2005 02:41 PM

The truly unfortunate aspect to this litigation is that there are women out there who would be glad to get paid for showing their Koko-melons to the big monkey.

It's like voyeurs and exhibitionists. Sadists and masochists. For every lesbian ape with a nipple fetish, there's a woman with a simian groper fetish. It's just the way the world works.

Posted by: Phinn on December 2, 2005 02:48 PM

Knocker-Kongs!

Posted by: on December 2, 2005 03:21 PM

"According to a report in the San Francisco Chronicle, when Rivera grudgingly lifted her T-shirt and bra for the ape, Patterson exclaimed, "Oh look, Koko, she has big nipples." Rivera quit her job in January..."

How do you sign "humina humina humina" anyways?

Posted by: B Moe on December 2, 2005 03:35 PM

"We all want to get this behind us and move on with our lives," said Stephen Sommers, representing the plaintiffs.

I find this statement amusing for some reason.

Well, duh. Who's not amused by a man in a gorilla suit?

Posted by: benjamin on December 2, 2005 03:39 PM

"knocker-kong"

That will be a classic.

Posted by: rightnumberone on December 2, 2005 04:52 PM

HA! Check your timestamp! I scooped ya and I'm still Number One for lesbian gorilla. EAT MY DUST, ROOKIE! BWAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Ken Summers on December 2, 2005 06:42 PM

I learned two things from this story.

1) Dr. Penny Patterson is mentally deranged

2) Iris Rivera has big nipples.

P.S. Isn't Koko the gorilla that befriended a kitten, and that kitten disappeared witout a trace one day and the gorilla's keepers never admitted that the gorilla ate the kitten?

Posted by: Bart on December 2, 2005 07:17 PM

Patterson would communicate to Koko, saying, "Oh yes, Koko, Nancy has nipples. Nancy can show you her nipples," or, "Oh Koko, why don't you and Nancy have a visit? I will go and do some other things. I wouldn't want anything to impede the relationship between you two."

Gee, I wonder what "other things" Patterson would do. Would it involve a camera? Would it be Patterson observing from a distance the bare-chested human female being oogled by an 800 lb gorilla?

Posted by: Bart on December 2, 2005 07:23 PM

Patterson claims Koko has an IQ between 75 and 100, and the gorilla knows 2,000 words of spoken English. Yet Patterson coudn't potty-train the ape.

Workers complained of "cleaning the trailers [which] included removing feces and urine-soaked blankets and toys."

Koko's real smart. You can train a cat to shit in a box of sand. Even a dog will not piss and shit all over the place, especially its own toys and blankets.

Posted by: Bart on December 2, 2005 07:30 PM

Knocker-Kongs?!?!?!

Posted by: Wonderduck on December 3, 2005 12:48 AM

What would koko say about the femanuts anyway?

Posted by: spurwing plover on December 3, 2005 09:44 AM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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