I would like to take this opportunity to tell an enormous lie.

Michael is a heterosexual.

Shouldn't that be a full post, not just a comment.

You have the power.

I'm very disturbed at how many neutered men we have commenting here.

Holy effing cow. Did you read that Kerry is claiming the attacks on Rep. Murtha are attempted "swiftboating"?

WTH?!?

So, how about that local sports team eh? Didja see that last game? That was something huh? Remember that play by that one guy?

OMG!!! The BEST movie evar!!!!!

woot woot

Jimmy Carter's CIA Chief: we have a vice president for torture.

How long will we be haunted by Carter and his lackeys?

I would like to take this opportunity to state that I have nothing relevant to add to the discussion.

Can I just say that this is the first time I've appeared on the web?

Your assignment:

Click, and then watch the videos for "Maximum Wage" and "Jelly Donut."

And no, the "Andrew" on the website isn't me.

I haven't eaten a chicken pot pie in damn near close to 10 years!

holy moly....

The GOP is forcing a vote on the "Run away" policy of Murtha's!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/11/18/congress.iraq.ap/index.html

Now there will be a debate!

I posted this in another thread, but I'm posting it here, too, because aphrodisiac nasal spray for women just seems to fit in so well with the Ace of Spades Lifestyle:
http://sondrak.com/index.php/weblog/you_smell_smoke/
http://www.local6.com/news/5347978/detail.html

Saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at Midnight last night. I would think that if I was never acquainted with HP, I would never read a HP book after watching that movie. There was no sense of anything that make the books good. Just a barely adequate skeletal plot.

Since, I was a diehard fan, I kept up my enthusiasm, but by the time the good guy and the bad guy tussled, I was sucked/drained of life. Noone in the movie cheered or even moved at the point the one guy did that thing to the other guy.

At first, I realized that the movie may become a LotRRoK crap fest, where so much ground has to be covered, that the movie is never more than: exposition-fight-exposition-fight-speech-fight-speech-end. There was no development of characters or even conversations.

At points it also reminded me of Frankenheimer's Ronin. To keep up the frentic pace of Ronin, the non-frentic scenes, were simply cutoff. So where as a person would normally say goodbye, turn around and walk away, Ronin simply jumped right into the next scene. every time. Good movie though, as the movie is all about men (or a man) of action. In HP, its not quite an action movie or a teen angst drama. Its a desparate three hours of "lets get this scene done, dammit, there's another 400 pages to go."

Also, I miss Chris Columbus. His Hogwarts had some life (at least CoS did). Hogwarts seemed austere on the interior.

The director, while seemingly trying to ape Frankenheimer and using any non fighting scene (except for a nice half hour in the middle) for exposition, seemed almost uninterested in the wizarding world. There are so many times when the magic is shown with leaden dullness. I wonder if JK even screened this thing before release. For example, at one point, Moody's seven chambered box is opened. Dumbledore opens it up and find what he is looking for in the first try. It turns the cool little box into merely a portable dungeon. You think someone would have mentioned to someone to at least show a second drawer before finding what he was looking for. Also, Dumbledore, the most powerful wizard in the world, seems to flinch a lot. And, no, WashPost, the third Tri-Wiz task area was visually sucktastic. It looked bad and it made no sense. Finally, what: is France only populated by chicks, Bulgaria by guys? How about a little diversity people? What is the student body size of Hogwarts, it seems to vary from 30 to 3000. It was also disconcerting with all the close in shots of conversations that were ostensibly taking place in a crowd. The close in shots looked like three people in a high school play. Weird after zooming in through thousands of people.

I dunno, I was disappointed. At 3:30am, driving home, I had a whole list of flaws with the directing.

Vinnie,

Some f'cking bozo misspelled 'Integrity' of all f'cking words in the f'cking post on F'cking Bad F'cking Poetry Whinners.

So go get the f'cking mop and clean that f'cking typo up - NOW .

Paul F'cking Anka

My back is killing me.

ARGH.

So... is this the flame war thread?

The top 30 things AofS readers need to know about Chuck Norris

I love chicken pot pie!

I have not been neutred! (Well, okay. I'm married. So I have been. But I still have my nuts. Actually, my wife has them in an old pickle jar).

I didn't know Michael is gay, but it all makes sense now!

I knew Monty is gay.

Lauraw is really a man. And has an affinity for little boys.

Dave at GR is a jealous bitch and is really one of many of Ace's schizophrenic alter egos.

Dave in Texas has put his dork bat in more than one armadillo. That is not a euphamism. At least that's what Symes told me.

Someone should tell Reo Symes, by the way, that just because you attend college for more than eight years, you're not a doctor. You actually have to have a doctorate degree and not just a bachelor of arts in keg stands and vomiting.

Ace likes to receive it up the can from French Mastiffs and often tosses his own salad while watching Turner and Hootch.

Need work? Heidi Fleiss is looking for man whores.

I'm very disturbed at how many neutered men we have commenting here.

At least I didn't bitch about it like the cat did. The whiney SOB.

scott:

I read as far as "Heidi Fleiss", and I thought, well there's an opportunity for Ace to finally make some money! But then I got to the word "man" in "man whores", so never mind.

But maybe they'll need fluffers?

Ace is such a man-whore that even the first guy in line to pull a train on him gets sloppy firsts.

aphrodisiac nasal spray for women just seems to fit in so well with the Ace of Spades Lifestyle

I don't think there are ALL that many people here who enjoy nasal sex.....

Except Michael, of course.

Ace likes to receive it up the can from French Mastiffs . . .

Is this a cute way of saying Ace is an attorney? And what is a proffesional fluffer?

Fluffer:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluffer

I don't think there are ALL that many people here who enjoy nasal sex.....

Talk about yer post nasal drip! : P

Hmmm... adds new meaning to the phrase "blow me"...

Need work? Heidi Fleiss is looking for man whores.

Meh. The hours are terrible and she doesn't pay all that well. Plus, she neglected to point out that your clientele isn't limited to women. And you have to buy your own K-Y.

Overall, it was a bad career move on my part. But, you know, hindsight is 20-20.

Monty, do you give Ace a loyal customer discount?

Any guess on the over/under for number of applications? I bet she gets more mail in the next 30 days than Santa Claus!

A good weekend to all!

Monty, do you give Ace a loyal customer discount?

The hell with that bastard. He never writes, he never calls, and if he sees me in public he totally ignores me.

I'm rapidly becoming disillusioned with this whole man-whore lifestyle. It's far less glamorous than the ads in Maxim would have you believe.

Aw, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe...

You make me sad.

Yeah, I'm a nerd too, but honestly, I thought the Harry Potter movie was downright awesome. It captured the humor from the book and added some of its own, the drama at the end seemed stronger to me than I remembered, the action was thrilling, and the whole mood of the film just felt...right. Not to mention I thought the actors finally felt like their characters (well, except for Dumbledore). The whole thing was rather beautiful.

Of course, it really helped that my theater crowd was very enthusiastic. They did cheer at the end...but then again, they cheered at everything, even the previews. Heck, the entire crowd joined in singing happy birthday to a drunk, newly 21-year-old before the movie started.

I do agree that the third task felt off. And Voldemort didn't seem as scary or creepy as he should have. And yeah, I wish they could have developed more character, but I thought they did great with all that they crammed in there.

Overall, I was impressed.

A tiny tidbit: Ralph Fiennes called in from apparently out of nowhere to compliment my local radio station. Apparently, (the guy who plays) Voldemort likes classic country.

500 Internal Server Error

I don't think Heidi could afford my mangina

Furthering the Nerdering from the nerdery:

Did you dress up? Can you guess if I did, and if so as who (or what?)?

Whenever I read the word "titular" I giggle like a schoolgirl.

That is all.

For a glimpse of what's left of the Ace o' Spades lifestyle in Louisiana look at the 9th photo down, left hand column.

http://www.macchuck.com/Katrina/galleries/shell_beach/shell_beach.html

I don't think there are ALL that many people here who enjoy nasal sex.....
Except Michael, of course.

Geez, Lipstick, so I banged your shnoz one time. I was just experimenting. Give a guy a break.

I didn't dress up exactly, though I did wear a sweater just because it vaguely looks like it's part of the Gryffindor uniform (oh Lord, did I just admit that?). It was gray, with red and gold piping.

And yes, you did dress up! And in my mind, you went as Madame Maxime, headmistress of the French school.

Dammit. I couldn't think of anything good. No matter what character I came up with, I immediately dismissed him/her because, "nah, that'd actually be pretty cool."

(What? It's Friday night? And I'm staying home? That makes absolutely no sense, considering how amazingly awesome I obviously am.)

So, who did you dress up as??

Lauraw is really a man. And has an affinity for little boys.

That makes me so angry.

Right now I'm too busy to deal with you properly.

When I'm finished with what I'm doing (looking at myself in the mirror with my weiner tucked in), you are gonna be in a WORLD OF HURT, friend.

Geez, Lipstick, so I banged your shnoz one time. I was just experimenting. Give a guy a break.

And from what I hear, you didn't even deviate the septum.

That was you Michael? I thought a gnat had flown up my nose! :)

Went as Krum. Took HerMiOhKnee.

Lady Maxine, that was harsh.

That was you Michael? I thought a gnat had flown up my nose! :)

Lipstick shoots and ssssssccccccccoooooooooorrrrrrreeeeeessssss!

lol!

I hate these open threads. It's merely a ruse so Ace can go and sneak out on us.

Yeah, here's a question anyone can take a stab at if they know.

You been over to Balloon Juice lately? Isn't that a guy who's sorta rightish? I mean, maybe he was sorta loudly moderate with the Schiavo thing, but still, he's more Republican right? I mean, I read his posts and that seems the case.

But here's my question. What the hell is going on with his comment section? Seems a dancehall for hard line lefties doing the "Bush lied' boogie over and over. And over. Some blog mentioned this and I noticed it too.

Did Cole somehow court that crowd and I didn't see it, or what? Anyone?

Man, I just sneezed for about 30 seconds straight.
Did Michael just take advantage of me?

Cole a moderate on Schiavo? Bwahhhhhhhhh! He's like a Chuck Hagel or McCain. Plays both sides, goes off on his own just to get moonbat attention.

Lauraw, at least you had balls enough to reply. Quite amusingly I might add.

The rest of you lot are a shameful pod of pussies who would rather debate D&D or politics than have sex or participate in a flame war.

Monty must have cramps in his girlish hands from fisting our host who, by the way, did not post the second half of the judging of the poetry contest.

The only real reason to hang out here is for the camaraderie, the give and take, the push and shove, the dogma, the karma, the yin, yang, sweet poontang and goddammit!! I'm not feelin' the love!!

I feel like the fat, slow kid with bad skin and worse breath who gets picked dead last and then nobody will pass him the ball.

Lauraw is the only one who will talk to me. So now I'm Forest Gump and she's my shemale Jenny. Well that's just fucking great!! I'm not a smart man but I know what love is and apparently when you're me it costs $50 extra because, "Eww, you're just gross!"

So, what you guys doing this weekend?

Ah, Compos, not feeling the love? That's just wrong! I don't know what we'd do without you here. (especially since you are so honest about telling stories that involve below-the-waist mishaps :)

Anyway, Thanksgiving's coming up and maybe people are hitting the road early.

I'm taking my darling back to PA to meet the family. If only Dad can resist telling him to pull his finger, things should go well.

Meeting the family advice would be appreciated...

Compos, that post was so 'needy,' Michael cringed.

But okay, I'll bite. I find your name unfortunate and I suspect you're frequently flatulent. I also have the impression you're eyes are too close together, giving you a slow-witted appearance.

I may be wrong about these things but these are my best guesses.

Hey compost. That time of the month or something? Or maybe you ran out of baby lotion at an inopportune moment in the middle of your favorite show, Magnum P.I. Why don't you smother your sac in ALPO and have an evening of bonding with man's best friend rather than crying about how your pussy hurts just because Mrs. Compost can't be bothered to house your needle dick for the 37 seconds it takes you to uncork a microsized packet of paralytic, lazy, mutated spermlike substance(here's a tip, imagine you're actually copulating with a female rather than the usual you as a prison rape victim fantasy and you might hold out a little longer). As to the fat, slow kid part, well, if the shoe fits.

Thanks for asking. I hope to watch some of the OSU/MU football game and avoid work any way I can. Cheers, mate.

'Meeting the family' advice?

When I was in my early 20's my ex wanted a little better treatment from my mom, and I told him to tell her about some trouble and ask her for advice.

'About what??'

'Anything. Some asshole you're having trouble with at work. Whatever.'

He did, and became family.

I been out of that relationship for nine years and married to someone else for seven. My ex and my mom still correspond and go out to dinner once in a while. I hear his wife is very nice.

Meeting the family advice would be appreciated...

Your sister, the one always on about the "I'm a human being" issue? Make sure the chain is tight and the cellar door locked.

And your father? Make sure he understand it's not 'anywhere Papa wants to sleep night' when guests are over.

Other than that, should be a success. Good luck.

Laura, thanks, that's excellent advice.

I'll just switch it from Mom (who already likes him) to Dad - who is rubbing his hands together and gleefully anticipating playing the heavy.

I'm sure Dad is just going to randomly fart in order to "test" the newcomer...

Reo, you came up with those oddball scenarios suspiciously quickly!

Dynamite baby, it don't take an old southern dog like me to recognize a wayward girl from a troubled home right away. Some men develope a sense. And I'm senseing plenty.

You can still make something of yourself though. Don't let people keep telling you otherwise. You're can be just as good as normal people. Remember that.

Went as Krum. Took HerMiOhKnee.

Aw, damn. So yeah, now I'm just jealous. I can't believe I wasted an opportunity to get my own "Krum" to dress up.

Compos, that post was so 'needy,' Michael cringed.

Yeah, I did cringe.

But I'm just in the mood to respond to a needy human being.

Compos:

You are kind of a hero to me. I've said this before. Your posts about your daughter's soccer game and the incontinence problem were the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet.

But, they were more than funny. They epitomized what I find interesting about comment threads like this. People make self-revelatory disclosures they would not ordinarily make. They adopt a persona that is fun for them. Behind the cloak of anonymity, they get goofy.

I've told you this before, so I'll say it again. It is a rare man who can do self-deprecatory humor really well. And it's a big man.

I'm glad that you participate in our community.

Michael, you think it bothers our eunuch friend that the last person you were brownnosing got banned soon after?

See the movie/documentary Mad Hot Ballroom.
Good stuff.

It looks like Cedarford got his own blog since Ace kicked him out. Who woulda thunk it.

compos mentis:
So, what you guys doing this weekend?

I was thinking I'd troll the sex offender registry and match Ace of Spades online IDs to photographs.

Reo Symes' description of you was spot on, by the way. (No surprise, since you're first siblings. And cousins. He knows you like the back of his hand. Which, you can imagine, he knows intimately.)

Michael:

I too, was impressed by Compost's candor. I thought, it takes a brave man to just come out and admit something like that.

But then I stopped and looked at the big picture. And the big picture looks something like this: being a relatively ordinary fellow who occasionally craps all over himself in public is still way more dignified than being any of the other morons who post here. So, seen from that light, Compost really isn't so amazing, after all.

But keep your tongue firmly lodged in his leather cheerio, Michael. Maybe some of his charm will rub off on you somehow.

That's it. I'm never going to be nice to anyone again. And I'm going to quit drinking.

For those of us who have stood up for smacky-face (as Bowden called it) or other "coercive techniques," its been revealed just what it was we were fighting for. And, let me tell you, its not enough to make Jack Bauer happy, not broken fingers or anything.

"1. The Attention Grab: The interrogator forcefully grabs the shirt front of the prisoner and shakes him.

2. Attention Slap: An open-handed slap aimed at causing pain and triggering fear.

3. The Belly Slap: A hard open-handed slap to the stomach. The aim is to cause pain, but not internal injury. Doctors consulted advised against using a punch, which could cause lasting internal damage.

4. Long Time Standing: This technique is described as among the most effective. Prisoners are forced to stand, handcuffed and with their feet shackled to an eye bolt in the floor for more than 40 hours. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation are effective in yielding confessions.

5. The Cold Cell: The prisoner is left to stand naked in a cell kept near 50 degrees. Throughout the time in the cell the prisoner is doused with cold water.

6. Water Boarding: The prisoner is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt. "

So, there you go. If there a dirty bomb about to go off in your kid's nursery school, the bad guy will break in about 40 hours of standing.

THAT'S what they mean when they say we're TORTURING people? Sounds more like pledge week.

That's it. I'm never going to be nice to anyone again.

That's the spirit!

And I'm going to quit drinking.

Now that's just crazy talk right there.

3. The Belly Slap: A hard open-handed slap to the stomach. The aim is to cause pain, but not internal injury.

Wow. When I was in junior high (Burnet, in Austin, TX), the band director would make bets with us as to whether we could play a certain passage. The 'belly slap' and 'suspender snap' were the two most frequently inflicted consequences if we failed. I would hope that our interrogators have access to better techniques than my band director did (uh, not that I was a band geek or anything).

Saw this on Drudge: Fitzy Claus is in the sleigh.

Bob Woodward's source has contacted Fitzy. I bet all of the Dem's stockings will either be empty or contain nice, crumbly coal on Fitzmas morning.

Two minutes into Lord of the Rings, I thought to myself, "This is gay."

Then, as the movie went on...and on, I thought, "This is long, my ass is getting numb."

The latter two parts of LOTR are on my Netflix queue. I don't know if I can sit through another six hours of gay characters, gay dialogue, and gay fight scenes to find out something I really don't care about -- what happens to the stupid ring.

3. The Belly Slap: A hard open-handed slap to the stomach. The aim is to cause pain, but not internal injury.

According the Mrs. Michael, this is a universally recognized technique for male sexual arousal. She says it will work eventually . . .

Not that anyone is going to read further comments on a thread this far gone, but I'd like to say you guys are the best.

Trying to push your buttons and insight a flame war wasn't working, so I resorted to pathetic whining. I was certainly in a fighting mood and thoroughly enjoy the incredibly creative insults that get tossed about.

Now I'm still too hung over to want to fight, so I'll wish those of you going away for the holiday a bountiful and as non-disfunctional a Thanksgiving as possible. For the rest, talk at you tomorrow.

Now I'm still too hung over to want to fight

Fag.

Cindy Sheehan her turkeys have been arrested near the bush ranch