This is one of the greatest blog posts ever written.

I am making a pitcher of fresh-squeezed orange juice right now, if anyone wants some.

It seems that last one ain't all that funny.
Trust me.

Could not agree more, Creator of Worlds. Seems it's hidden a liitle or there would surely be greater acclaim heaped upon our host.

Yes, this is just the ticket, a little reward for us as the blog-bucks roll in. Crude, lots of cock and balls stuff, shocked females and psycho humor.

Here's one I like to do:

Put your pecker through the center of a glazed doughnut then turn to the first gal you see and ask her if it looks like you might have a yeast infection.
Then while you still have her attention, ask her if she'd like to eat it off your wang. If not, put the confection back into the cabinet and walk out of the convenience store.

Let me add that I'm more than a little disturbed at the apparent ease with which Ace imagines these scenarios.

Well, one of them sort of really happened. A friend of mine was on some corporate retreat and all drunk and stupid, and he got out of bed to piss and just walked over to the desk and opened up his boss' laptop and pissed all over it, thinking it was a toilet.

He didn't use the "Didn't you want feedback?" line, of course.

Oh, and I think he also killed the same boss' dog while playing horseshoes, by striking it directly in the head with a five-pound steel horseshoe.

He... he's not working there anymore.

Actually did this. A bunch of us were outside a bar one summer. One of our friends had a broken ankle and had crutches. 2 of us got him to give us the pads on the top of the crutches - long, round, slightly curved up. Kinda hard to tell the difference btween them and the real thing in a darkened bar.

So we stuck them out of our zippers and walked into the bar. Much to our amazement, the young ladies did not appreciate this and actually ran out of the place. Bartender gave us free beers for ingenuity.

Don't be fooled, Allah. Every post of Ace's is the result of hours of head-scratching, brainstorms and flow charts. There are many decisions to make - i.e. which word is most amusing in the context of the sentence: penis, schlong or cock.

The 'knock knock' joke was particularly troublesome. After several weeks of focus groups Ace settled on 'balls'. The original punchline was that he would ejaculate into her mouth, but females in the 25-40 demographic found it distasteful, while while Catholics in the group applauded the lack of contraception, but complained that the whole 'sperm entering a stranger' issue was insulting to the Pope.

See, back in my day we had the old penis-in-the-popcorn-box trick. Good, wholesome amusement for a young man when he took that special someone to the picture show. But this—now, this is just sad.

All I can say is, you youngsters and your sick penis tricks just better stay the hell offa my lawn.

Wow, these are all so much more sophisticated and cerebral than my old "expose yourself to passing motorists" joke!

But what can I say? I'm what you might call a "classicist."

In case anyone's wondering what the greatest blog post ever written might be, it's right here.

I note without further comment that there has been zero female input into this thread so far.

Go up to a gal and say, "Knock knock." She'll say, "Who's there?" Then stuff your balls into her mouth.

I think this one's my favorite. Here you have all these convoluted scenarios involving foodstuffs and office supplies, and then--ah, simplicity.

Allah is absolutely correct. That is the best blog post ever. I am simply amazed at that. I have no other words for it.

Monty, I think they're laughing too hard to type.

Holy Shit Ace,

That was the funniest thing I think I've ever read. I'm not kidding. You need to see a fucking doctor.

Let me add that I'm more than a little disturbed at the apparent ease with which Ace imagines these scenarios.

This time, the joke is on the dorkbat. Or: Dicks; More trouble than they're worth?

Gee, more proof all you guys are staying home with your right hand every Saturday night.

I'm pretty sure that if you played that knock-knock joke on a girl, your balls would be considered a 'gift' in a court of law, and she would be under no obligation to return them to you.

I prefer the old classics the best:

While sitting next to your lady-wife on the couch, ask her if she wants a peach. With luck, she'll say yes; you can then whip out Mr. One-Eye and say, "There! Isn't that a peach?"

Anon:

Gee, more proof all you guys are staying home with your right hand every Saturday night.

At least my hand didn't cheat on me with some fucking spot-welder from the local technical college.

Good point.

your balls would be considered a 'gift' in a court of law, and she would be under no obligation to return them to you.

I'd argue that it's not a gift but a bailment. As bailor, I have the right to demand the return of my nutsack from the bailee's mouth.

In my case -- and, I'm sure, Ace's -- it's usually a bailment for hire.

Are any of you fucking guys NOT lawyers??

I am reminded of one of the more effective excuses that can be used when you don't feel like going to work, call in and say "I was going to come in to work today but the voices told me to stay home and clean the guns".

Are any of you fucking guys NOT lawyers??

Do you mean "fucking" the adjective, or "fucking" the verb?

Obviously this could change my response.

Should the court not accept the bailment argument, I intend to request that a writ of replevin be issued for the return of my love apples.

Haaa haa haaaaaa!

*wiping tears*

Oh, silly! I was talking about Allah and Ace. OF COURSE I meant the adjective.

Hey, no offense, but if I don't look up the proper names of various sores and warts, I'm not looking up legal terms either.

ah! ok then. I am not a lawyer.

Oh, silly! I was talking about Allah and Ace. OF COURSE I meant the adjective.

Sadly, I knew it too.

I'm not sure if Ace is a lawyer, though. I think he might be a photocopyin', bakcrub-givin', coffee-fetchin' paralegal.

I think this is strictly a male sort of humor...but the orange glad to see me brings back some memories.

It would have been different if laura had asked "Are any of you guys NOT fucking lawyers?"

Very different.

Damn, almost pissed the pants and spit a jack and coke of the screen as the same time.
"Finally, when you've concluded your transaction, step up to her and say, "Oh, by the way, it turns out those weren't cookies I smelled. It was just the wafted stink of my dirty, filthy cock. I haven't washed my junk in a solid month."

Then wish her good-day and try to keep a straight face as the bank erupts in laughter." Stop it already!

News flash: 41 year old man found dead infront of his computer, shit eating grin on his face and his browser pointed to http://www.ace.mu.nu/.

This is pretty tame but we actually did it rather than fantasizing it like you miserable gaywads.

My boss was porking this bar skank he snaked away from my buddy in an adjoining hotel room, so we stripped and put athletic socks over our junk and lampshades on our heads. Then we jimmied the door open and pogo'd into the room singing "Let's talk about socks, baby!" at the top of our lungs. The chick was pissed but even she had to laugh. The boss had it coming, the skank-snaking douche, and he knew it.

When a female coworker is away from her desk, rub your gut-wrench on her telephone reciever then call her and just laugh.

After weeks of practical jokes, which cumulated into shooting out the sorority's windows with bb guns, the frat boys sent over breakfast as a peace offering.
Juice and doughuts.
They loved it, and ate them all.

Then the Polaroids arrived with the doughnuts on the frat boys erections.

breakfast of champions.