Fake Transcript of Roberts Hearings, Day Two

Rush transcript. "Rush transcript" means that all typographical and factual errors appear in the original, and aren't my damn fault.

Previously: Yesterday's transcript here. Some sexual content at the end, when Ted Kennedy addresses the witness.

SENATRIX FEINSTEIN: Yesterday I recounted the heartbreaking story of persecuted European Jews being forced to remove their shoes before they were summarily executed by Nazi goons.

JUDGE JOHN ROBERTS: Yes, I, uhh, remember that. It was indeed heartbreaking. If, uhhh, not quite germane.

FEINSTEIN: I'd like to ask you about that incident. In your rightwing extremist ideological evil judicial philosophy, is asking persecuted religious minorities to remove their shoes before being shot a bad thing?

ROBERTS: A bad thing? Uhh, yes, I'd say it's a bad thing, Senator.

FEINSTEIN: Really bad or just bad?

ROBERTS: Really bad, I would say.

FEINSTEIN: Really really bad or just a little bit really bad?

ROBERTS: Really really bad.

FEINSTEIN: Really really really bad or--

ROBERTS: The first one.

FEINSTEIN: You didn't let me finish my question.

ROBERTS: Well, I thought I saw the pattern. Please excuse me. Do finish.

FEINSTEIN: As I was saying: Really really really super-bad or just a tiny bit really really bad?

ROBERTS: Again, really really really super-bad. In fact, one could add any number of additional "really" intensifiers to that description and it would accurately reflect my feelings about this horrid incident.

FEINSTEIN: Well! I guess we've clarified matters.

ROBERTS: Yes, I think we've agreed that the Nazis' actions were really, really, really definitely very extremely bad.

FEINSTEIN: And you're comfortable with that description?

ROBERTS: Yes I am.

FEINSTEIN: Well I'm not. I don't agree at all that their actions were really, really, really bad. I think their actions were an outrage.

ROBERTS: Wait, I do too.

FEINSTEIN: You didn't say that. I'm done with my questioning. I'm not sure if I can vote for a Justice who doesn't find the Nazis to have been an outrage.

ROBERTS: That's not fair. That wasn't an option on the list.

FEINSTEIN: I told you to answer in your own words, Judge Roberts. Check the transcript.

ROBERTS: You most certainly did not. You presented me a series of questions, each having two binary choices--

FEINSTEIN: "Use your own words" was in the penumbras and emanations of my question, Judge Roberts. Or are you saying you don't believe in penumbras and emanations now as well? I don't think the American people would stand for a justice who doesn't believe in penumbras and emanations, especially in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

ROBERTS: I, uhhh...

(Charles Schumer and Pat Leahy giggle like schoolgirls)

ROBERTS: I just don't think your accusation is fair.

FEINSTEIN: That's enough out of you, Judge Roberts. Or should I say-- Herr Judge Doktor Roberts?

SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER (R-PA): Senator Schumer, you have the floor.

SENATOR SCHUMER: Thank you, Senator Specter. And may I say to my esteemed colleague Senator Feinstein-- well played, Madam. Very well played. Now, Judge Strangelove--

SPECTER: The man's name is Roberts.

SCHUMER: That's what I said, didn't I?

SPECTER: No, you called him "Judge Strangelove."

SCHUMER: Must have been a slip of the tongue. I apologize profusely for that. Now, Judge Mengele, I was wondering if you had a chance to watch the New Orleans Saints-Carolina Panthers football game this past Sunday.

ROBERTS: To be honest, I spent the weekend preparing for my testimony here, but I did catch the highlights on NFL Primetime.

SCHUMER: Well I suppose that's... adequate.

SENATOR PAT LEAHY (D-VT): Barely adequate.

SCHUMER: A slap in the face to the victims of Hurricane Katrina, as well as to Aaron Brooks, who is a Negro playing a position historically reserved for white supremacists, such as John Elway. Now, Judge Roberts, I'm just curious if your radical activist judicial philosphy supports FEMA's complete absence at that game.

ROBERTS: Well... wait, are you saying FEMA should have been at a football game?

SCHUMER: Are the New Orleans Saints not displaced victims of Hurricane Katrina? Did you not hear about the Superdome? Did you, like Michael Brown, fail to see the pictures on television?

ROBERTS: This is not really a question of judicial philosophy, but I have to say, I'm not sure what FEMA could have done at the game. I mean-- the Saints won, first of all.

LEAHY (scoffing): By three lousy points.

SCHUMER: Don't do me no favors.

ROBERTS: What should FEMA have done there?

SCHUMER: Your small-government ideology prevents you from seeing the obvious, I see. They could have distributed emergency relief.

LEAHY: Water.

SCHUMER: Food. MRE's. Medical supplies.

LEAHY: Gatorade.

SCHUMER: Power Bars.

LEAHY: Liquid Heat to keep their muscles loose.

ROBERTS: You're saying that FEMA--

LEAHY: They could have erected shelters for the players.

SCHUMER: Or at least have held parasols above the the players' heads to reduce the risk of sunstroke.

ROBERTS: Again, this simply is not an appropriate question for a judge to answer, but I would question whether the best use of FEMA's manpower would be to hold parsols over the heads of well-paid, healthy NFL players.

SCHUMER: Because most of them are black, Judge Roberts?

ROBERTS: I--

SCHUMER: No more questions.

ROBERTS: I think I should have a chance to respond--

SCHUMER: That's enough out of you! No more questions.

(Schumer and Leahy trace a "Z" shape with their hands and then snap their fingers in unison)

SCHUMER AND LEAHY TOGETHER: Ohhhhh, snap!!!

SENATOR KYL (R-AR): As a point of parlimentary order, I object to Senator Schumer and Leahy "snapping" on the witness.

SPECTER: The point of order is sustained. Senators, please refrain from taking your "snaps."

FEINSTEIN: I would like my remarks extended and revised to reflect that I joined in the group snap.

SPECTER: Request denied. No more snapping. Period.

SCHUMER: Hey yo-- don't hate the playah-- hate the game.

SPECTER: I would caution Senator Schumer about accusing other Senators of being playah-hatahs.

SCHUMER: What a bunch of shizznat.

SPECTER: I know what that means. Knock it off. I'm not kidding, Chuck.

SCHUMER: Fo' shizzle my chairmizzle.

SPECTER: (sighs)
Well, I guess there's no avoiding this. Senator Kennedy?

SENATOR KENNEDY (D-MA): ...

SPECTER: Senator Kennedy, it is your turn to question Judge Roberts.

KENNEDY: ...

SPECTER: Senator Kennedy, please put down your cell phone and address the witness.

KENNEDY: Oh, errr ehhh, I'm sorry. I was just text-messaging my, errr ehhhh, good friend Summer Nights.

SPECTER: Very well.

KENNEDY: Or Autumn Nights. I forget her name, actually. I only remember that she was named after a season, and that she kept grabbin' on my joint at the strip-bar.

SENATOR CHRIS DODD (D-CT): Nice.

SPECTER: Senator Kennedy, please stop telling us about your stripper friends and get to your question.

KENNEDY: I would appreciate it if you didn't refer to my exotic dancers as "strippers."

SPECTER: Fine. Let's just move on.

KENNEDY: She's only in exotic dancing to make money for school. She's a very intelligent, ambitious girl.

DODD: I love that. Beauty and brains. What's she going to school for?

KENNEDY: She wants to get her degree and become a certified public whore.

DODD: CPW? She sounds like a real go-getter. Where's she going for her degree?

KENNEDY: Barnard.

DODD: Well that would be the one, wouldn't it?

SPECTER: When the two of you are finished, the witness is waiting to give his testimony. And I don't like your implication about the fine institution of Barnard College.

KENNEDY: Homo.

SPECTER: What did you just call me?

KENNEDY: Nothing. Now, Judge Roberts, the one of the most cherished gurantees of the, errr ehhh, Constitution is the protection of free speech.

ROBERTS: Finally. Something about the law for a change.

KENNEDY: Would you say that a whore-apprentice grabbin' on your junk at a strip-bar was a form of protected speech?

ROBERTS: I find the hypothetical absurd.

KENNEDY: Trust me, it's not a hypothetical. This girl had hands like a concert pianist. I'm not kidding, I haven't had a release like that since Jennifer Connelly showed her rack in The Long Hot Summer.

DODD: Great fuckin' movie. I think Virginia Madson shows a little pink too, right?

KENNEDY: At 1:22:36. You think you're all done for the night, and then Bam! The little soldier's at attention again and ready for inspection.

SPECTER: I think we'll take our first break now.

DODD: Figures. Just when it was getting hot.

KENNEDY: Homo.

SPECTER: What?

KENNEDY: Errr ehhh, nothing. Chris, why don't you and I go back to my office aand I can introduce you to my new Legislative Assistant, Summer Nights. I just put her on my, ehh, errr ehhh, staff.

SPECTER: Please, Senator Kennedy.

KENNEDY: And by "staff," I mean weiner.

SPECTER: That's it. Cut camera. This hearing is adjourned.