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August 02, 2005

The Talented Mr. Kim: Pens Operas, Possesses A Photographic Memory, Shoots Eleven Holes-In-One In Single Round of Golf

Truly we are doomed if our enemy is led by a real-life Superman such as this.

You want to know the sort of madhouse that is North Korea? Just read this nonsense, dutifully dissemenated by North Korea's state-operated press.

And this article doesn't even mention the fact that this lunatic actually kidnaps Japanese filmmakers and forces them to make giant-monster movies from the idiotic scripts he's written.

Oh, and did I mention he claims to have shot one round of golf finishing with the rather-good score of thirty-eight under par?

Time for a re-post.

Top Ten Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishments

10. Swam the English Channel in twelve minutes flat, using dolphin-flop swimming technique he taught Patrick Duffy when he starred in The Man From Atlantis

9. Noted weightlifter credited with numerous training innovations; believed to be the first man who ever spotted someone bench-pressing while screaming "You gotta WANT it! PUSH! PUSH IT!!!!" with his nards dangling in the other guy's face

8. Nailed Christina Aguilera, before she caught that bad case of the skankies-- you know, back when it meant something

7. World-renown philosopher most famous for sublime Buddhist aphorism, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it"

6. Powered the New York Mets to their 1986 World Series title under the alias "Mookie" Wilson

5. Innovator of new X-Game craze, Extreme Bowling

4. Gold Medalist and reigning champion in "North Korean Triathalon" (run 26.6 miles, bike 110 miles, kick 60 political prisoners in their faces)

3. Insists he could enter and win the Tour de France, "if he felt like it"

2. Briefly married to Juice "Playin' With the Queen of Hearts" Newton

...and the Number One Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishment...

1. According to official state bio, is a champion-level boxer; has defeated Muhammed Ali, Evander Holyfield, and "Thunderlips" from Rocky III

posted by Ace at 02:22 PM

Comments

Hilary's better

Posted by: IreneFingIrene on August 2, 2005 02:27 PM

re. #9

As short as that dude is, if he's spotting you, you'd better hope he's standing on a box or something. Yeesh.

Posted by: skinbad on August 2, 2005 02:35 PM

thirty-eight under par

Winter rules?

Posted by: Dave in Texas on August 2, 2005 02:37 PM

Also he invented post-its.

Posted by: chickpea on August 2, 2005 02:44 PM

He was also David Hasselhoff's swimming trainer for the Spongebob Squarepants movie.

Posted by: Goofy Goober on August 2, 2005 02:52 PM

Isn't he also notorious for changing Christian families' pet dogs into General Tso's Chicken?

Posted by: Sum Yung Gi on August 2, 2005 02:55 PM

Damn, but with Jimmy Breslin's retirement and Reuters now scoping out the North Korean news agency for material, I'm going to have to come up with a new source for my niche comedy bits.

11. Once recited pi to 1 million places while standing on his head and using his bowels to emit the theme of the glorious Songun Revolution (originally composed by the august Kim himself).

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on August 2, 2005 02:59 PM

11. He gots 24 Hos in diff'rent area codes

12. Scored a perfect 800 on his CDATs (Crazyass Dictator Aptitude Test)

13. Thing you got your Yahtzee game on? Don't even fuck wit' da Jong-Il, biotch

14. Winner of the Pyongyang Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes - 23 years running

15. 2001 first round pick of the WNBA's Los Angeles Dazzle

16. Single handedly brought shame to decadent America by winning Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest

17. Opened for Led Zeppelin during 1977 'Physical Graffiti' tour; dropped after blowing them off the stage one too many times

18. "Insatiable Leader" still top-grossing p0rn series of 90s

Posted by: iowahawk on August 2, 2005 03:00 PM

12. Used Etch-o-Sketch to design original Dukes of Hazard General Lee car (which was actually named for People's Army hero, not American Confederate fascist).

13. Performed cold fusion miracle using turkey guts, kimchi, and some of his own soiled socks.

14. Real secret of Raphael Palmiero's batting prowess? Kim Jong-il's Tea of the Gods, each bottle containing one drop of the dictator's precious bodily fluids.

Posted by: nk@nicholaskronos.com on August 2, 2005 03:08 PM

19. Surpassed Wilt Chamberlain's record of bedding 20,000 women by screwing every dimple in Star Jones' ass twice.

Posted by: compos mentis on August 2, 2005 03:08 PM

I taught that punk everything he knows.

Kim used to be all, "Hey, homie! Howzit?" He was all, "Best frendz 4 evah!" We was tight, back in the day.

Then he gets all freaky and heads back to his old crew back in North Korea, playing like some whiny bitch with his, "I gots to raise my people up!". Like those folks would give him the stink off their shit anyway.

The man a fool. A fool, I say. He fronts that shit to me and I'm gonna drop-kick his waffle-headed ass.

Punk.

Posted by: Monty on August 2, 2005 03:12 PM

11) Four words: Eats coal. Craps diamonds.

Posted by: Ayes of Death David on August 2, 2005 03:22 PM

In early 70's, accidentally bumps into a bass guitar and inadvertantly creates 'Philadelphia Sound.'

Posted by: H. Moseley on August 2, 2005 03:32 PM

20. Discovered America, turned entire continent into concentration camp for imperialist Yankee dogs.

21. Taught Karl Rove everything he knows.

22. Persuaded Sandra O'Brien of Nashville, TN, to "go back" despite the fact that she had already "gone black."

23. Is really, really good at "Mario Kart: Double Dash."

24. At his last dental appointment, he had no cavities.

25. Slew the Minotaur.

26. Occasionally screams, "LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!" but actually shoots lightning bolts.

27. Once captured a unicorn, despite totally not being a virgin.

Posted by: Pompous on August 2, 2005 03:50 PM

As for #2 Ace, all I can say is "The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known Is Loving You".

I really mean it... I LOVE you man!

JUICE RULEZ!

Posted by: Grendel on August 2, 2005 03:56 PM

28. Had a conversation with someone named Cedarford and the subject of Jews was never mentioned.

29. Was able to make Bill Clinton define the word "is"

30. Was able to refrain from puking after being kissed by Madeline Albright.

Posted by: Dman on August 2, 2005 05:58 PM

Seems the only thing he can't do is raise enough of the dead to make John Kerry a winner ;->

Posted by: tony on August 2, 2005 06:03 PM

IOWAHAWK

31. The talented Mr. Kim put the Norwegians to shame by winning the Lutefisk Eating Contest by consuming 30 lbs of Lutefisk!

32. He's also won the Mr. Pyong Yang award for being the handsomest man in Pon Yang for the last 23 years.

Gideon says hi.

Posted by: 72 dogs on August 2, 2005 06:12 PM

Fortunately, none of Kim's advisers told him that he was actually on a Putt-Putt Miniature Golf course during his record breaking round of golf.

Posted by: Beck on August 2, 2005 07:35 PM

No matter how many times I read the title, I still see it as "penis operas"

Posted by: on August 2, 2005 07:53 PM

How could you miss the next "oddly enough" headline: Four dead in cockfight grenade attack

Posted by: Max Power on August 2, 2005 08:23 PM

33. Wrote Petula Clark's song "Downtown"

34. Can bench press 250 while gargling the contents of an entire bottle of Listerine. Naked.

35. Can swallow whole watermelons.

36. Played "Annie" on Broadway.

Posted by: Attmay on August 7, 2005 06:12 PM

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Top Headlines

Whoops! I posted about Dan Goldman losing the NY congressional primary. He might do that, but it won't be tonight -- the primary isn't held until June 23.

One race to keep an eye on: the Levi's heir nepo baby and egregious "Designated Liar" Dan Goldman -- one of the Democrats from a safe district Democrats send out to spread their most indefensible lies -- may actually lose his lower Manhattan/Brooklyn set due to, get this, antisemitism in the Democrat primary electorate.
Antisemitism? In the anti-Nazi Democrat Party? Sounds crazy, I know, but apparently the anti-Nazi Party wants to eliminate Jews.

Henry Rosoff
@HenryRosoff

🚨EXCLUSIVE POLL:

Brad Lander is 34-pts ahead of Congressman Dan Goldman with #NY10 Democratic Primary voters. @ZohranKMamdani is backing the former Comptroller.

@bradlander: 57%

@danielsgoldman: 23%

Poll by @PIX11News & @EmersonPolling.

MORE: http://pix11.com

Oh my Totenkopf Tattoo, that is a DRUBBING!
I'm usually very anti-antisemitism but if the Communist Antisemite Jihadists can pull this one off, Go Communist Antisemite Jihadists, Go!

Democrat Senator Rueben Gallego, who served his wife with divorce papers when she was nine months pregnant so that he could marry his side-piece, counsels us that we should not judge Graham Platner for his infidelity because these things are personal matters, Racists:

Sahil Kapur
@sahilkapur

Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz., on Platner: "We know that Graham has lived not your typical political experience. He's been very clear and open with his wife, and they worked through whatever they worked through. At the end of the day, this man has had 60 more town halls than Susan Collins has. He's winning the polls, he's willing to accept that he has grown as a person, and I think we should accept that."

Gallego says the drip-drip of revelations won't harm Platner's campaign.

"I think you guys are all in a bubble here right now. The drip, drip that's actually happening is Americans are really, really hurt the fact that gas is still high, food is still high, they can't buy a home, you can't afford rent. They're not going to care about text messages and everything else like that that happened years ago, especially when it was worked out between spouses."

I like that he says that it's okay that Graham Platner sexted 12 different women within months of marrying the woman to sponge off her because he wasn't then "living a political life" -- the clear meaning being, "We all cheat, we just don't cheat when we're running for office, and he didn't know he was running for office when he was sending dicpics to half the women he ran into."
Except he was running: His own wife turned the sexts over to his campaign.
And obviously Reuben Gallego didn't let his "political life" get in the way of his extramarital dating life:

Podcast: CBD goes solo in a short segment...talking about Iran, the nativist issues surrounding Reform and Restore in the UK, and the delicious pain of an imploding Democrat Party, courtesy of Talerico and Platner!

TJM ranks all of John Ford's films. All of them. TJM is very tired.

Funny -- if you don't mind clicking on TikTok. "Amy.Pranks.22" set up an AI scam-call screener which replies to a foreign scammer trying to get her bank information with Trumpian bluster. This might be fake because I don't see how a program can respond in real time, but it's funny.

Food Thread Pizza Dough Recipe

The ULA rocket just launched
Thanks to Joyenz
The rocket's enormous engines are fueled by "the volcanic heterosexual lust between James Talarico and his Neighbor With a Uterus 'girlfriend'"
I hope Amazon's rocket works better than the Amazon Prime app does as far as allowing people to watch the black and white version of "Spider-Noir"

From the CA Post:

Spencer Pratt is now Karen Bass' biggest headache.

A bombshell California Post poll conducted with McLaughlin & Associates shows the reality TV star-turned-mayoral candidate has surged to a statistical tie with the incumbent mayor.

And voters blame homelessness, affordability and the direction of Los Angeles as the reason for turning on Bass.

Pratt now leads the field with 30.1% support, compared with 29.5% for Bass, setting up a razor-thin race heading into next week's primary.

Socialist councilwoman Nithya Raman sits in third place at 23.4%.

Thanks to beckster

Just like "Spartacus" Corey Booker, now that James Talarico is running for a higher office, he unveils his previously-unknown "girlfriend" and hooboy, it just so happens she used to work for him, and, get this, likes to "dance the night away" at gay bars
Gee I wonder where they might have met
Oh and she's a vegan
When Corey Booker needed a "girlfriend," he conjured up known LGBTQ activist Rosario Dawson. How convenient that when these guys need a girlfriend to show off to the normies that just happen to find an activist with a strong history of and interest in Supporting Gay Men
But seriously, this James Talarico romance with a Neighbor with a Uterus is a love story for the ages. The passion of their lovemaking is hotter than a blue star with a core of Primordial Sex Atoms created in the Big Bang

"Journalists" are all drunks, criminals, sex-pests, and liars, exhibit #25,239,331

And just like that, #PunchANazi became Punch a Ballot for a Nazi

Was the "transatlantic accent" favored by stage and screen actors of the 40s and 50s "fake"? This linguist says no, it was a real accent

"Teen" charged with five counts of attempted murder after attempting to run down police officers with his car in yet another "teen takeover" permitted by woke racist incompetent Chicago mayor Brandon Johnson
Johnson's response to the "teen takeovers" of streets and businesses that he refuses to make arrests to stop is to go after social media companies for not deleting messages to coordinate the "teen takeovers." Um, they're supposed to find these messages and delete them in real time?
It makes no sense but he has to offer an "alternative" plan to just arresting lawbreakers -- which he absolutely refuses to do, saying we "can't arrest our way out" of rampant crime.

The Babylon Bee's crack AI team uses AI crack to simulate the first woman president

TJM explores the world of John Ford movies.

Future Tucker Carlson guest James Talarico:

James Talarico
@jamestalarico

Black Americans in a church.

Mexican Americans in a store.

Asian Americans in a spa.

Radicalized white men are the greatest domestic terrorist threat in our country.

He's referring to three mass attacks committed by white men in, oh, the past six or eight years. There were a huge number of mass shootings and bombings he had to skip over to cherry pick three committed by white men. Which kind of makes me think that "white men" are not the greatest terrorist threat in our country.
No, I doubt he'll be a guest on Tucker Carlson. The only thing that Tucker clings to that he claims makes him "conservative" is a palpable hatred of gays. Any time there's a communist enslaving their population and executing dissenters and conservatives, Tucker praises that dictator by saying "at least he represses the homos!"

Podcast: CBD and J.J. Sefton discuss the newest iteration of the Iranian negotiations, with the hope that the President will stick to his guns and get rid of the nuclear material, Minneapolis mayor Frey is scum, and an idiot, Artificial Intelligence, and more!

Polls close in Texas at 7pm local (8pm for the East Coast). Vote the RINO out.

TJM celebrates Memorial Day the only way he knows how.