Hilary's better

re. #9

As short as that dude is, if he's spotting you, you'd better hope he's standing on a box or something. Yeesh.

thirty-eight under par

Winter rules?

Also he invented post-its.

He was also David Hasselhoff's swimming trainer for the Spongebob Squarepants movie.

Isn't he also notorious for changing Christian families' pet dogs into General Tso's Chicken?

Damn, but with Jimmy Breslin's retirement and Reuters now scoping out the North Korean news agency for material, I'm going to have to come up with a new source for my niche comedy bits.

11. Once recited pi to 1 million places while standing on his head and using his bowels to emit the theme of the glorious Songun Revolution (originally composed by the august Kim himself).

11. He gots 24 Hos in diff'rent area codes

12. Scored a perfect 800 on his CDATs (Crazyass Dictator Aptitude Test)

13. Thing you got your Yahtzee game on? Don't even fuck wit' da Jong-Il, biotch

14. Winner of the Pyongyang Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes - 23 years running

15. 2001 first round pick of the WNBA's Los Angeles Dazzle

16. Single handedly brought shame to decadent America by winning Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest

17. Opened for Led Zeppelin during 1977 'Physical Graffiti' tour; dropped after blowing them off the stage one too many times

18. "Insatiable Leader" still top-grossing p0rn series of 90s

12. Used Etch-o-Sketch to design original Dukes of Hazard General Lee car (which was actually named for People's Army hero, not American Confederate fascist).

13. Performed cold fusion miracle using turkey guts, kimchi, and some of his own soiled socks.

14. Real secret of Raphael Palmiero's batting prowess? Kim Jong-il's Tea of the Gods, each bottle containing one drop of the dictator's precious bodily fluids.

19. Surpassed Wilt Chamberlain's record of bedding 20,000 women by screwing every dimple in Star Jones' ass twice.

I taught that punk everything he knows.

Kim used to be all, "Hey, homie! Howzit?" He was all, "Best frendz 4 evah!" We was tight, back in the day.

Then he gets all freaky and heads back to his old crew back in North Korea, playing like some whiny bitch with his, "I gots to raise my people up!". Like those folks would give him the stink off their shit anyway.

The man a fool. A fool, I say. He fronts that shit to me and I'm gonna drop-kick his waffle-headed ass.

Punk.

11) Four words: Eats coal. Craps diamonds.

In early 70's, accidentally bumps into a bass guitar and inadvertantly creates 'Philadelphia Sound.'

20. Discovered America, turned entire continent into concentration camp for imperialist Yankee dogs.

21. Taught Karl Rove everything he knows.

22. Persuaded Sandra O'Brien of Nashville, TN, to "go back" despite the fact that she had already "gone black."

23. Is really, really good at "Mario Kart: Double Dash."

24. At his last dental appointment, he had no cavities.

25. Slew the Minotaur.

26. Occasionally screams, "LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!" but actually shoots lightning bolts.

27. Once captured a unicorn, despite totally not being a virgin.

As for #2 Ace, all I can say is "The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known Is Loving You".

I really mean it... I LOVE you man!

JUICE RULEZ!

28. Had a conversation with someone named Cedarford and the subject of Jews was never mentioned.

29. Was able to make Bill Clinton define the word "is"

30. Was able to refrain from puking after being kissed by Madeline Albright.

Seems the only thing he can't do is raise enough of the dead to make John Kerry a winner ;->

IOWAHAWK

31. The talented Mr. Kim put the Norwegians to shame by winning the Lutefisk Eating Contest by consuming 30 lbs of Lutefisk!

32. He's also won the Mr. Pyong Yang award for being the handsomest man in Pon Yang for the last 23 years.

Gideon says hi.

Fortunately, none of Kim's advisers told him that he was actually on a Putt-Putt Miniature Golf course during his record breaking round of golf.

No matter how many times I read the title, I still see it as "penis operas"

How could you miss the next "oddly enough" headline: Four dead in cockfight grenade attack

33. Wrote Petula Clark's song "Downtown"

34. Can bench press 250 while gargling the contents of an entire bottle of Listerine. Naked.

35. Can swallow whole watermelons.

36. Played "Annie" on Broadway.