Too little, too late.

Paula Zahn and Michele Malkin have already started hanging out at the 'Tower and the offers for crazy blog money are rolling in.

Nature abhors a vacuum, my friend. You left one during your long absence. It was only natural that someone replace you.

And, let's be honest, Dave at GR just doesn't have the, umm, charisma to do it. You see where I'm going with this? ;)

This entry was posted by Hoke.

My head is about to explode.

No. No it's not. Just gassy.

Is that why you posted this return post under Hoke's name?

I don't know, man. The Andy Kaufman thing is just sort of happening accidentally.

I meant to post under "Ace." Loose shit.

Interesting slam, Jack, since so much of your blog has been devoted to Ace, reporting Ace's take on things, mimicking Ace's gimmicks, and replying to Ace's opinions.
You fascinate me.

Sorry. A little flame leaked out. Inexcuseable.
I'll wipe that up.

I knew it was all fake when I heard my shower running, opened the bathroom door, and there through the glass amidst all the steam were Ace and Hoke.

Next time turn the exhaust fan on, fellas.

OK then.

What say we put this unfortunate little incident behind us and get back to the funny?

I like the funny.

So are you really retiring or what?

Cuz I was talkin' a lotta smack behind your back.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, don't they?

But then why am I asking you that LauraW? As a gibbering, glue-sniffing rhesis monkey you've probably never heard the phrase.

Go pack your damn ship now. You bore me. ;)

Anyway, for those who said nice things and asked me to keep on blogging-- thank you. That was the best part of this prank-that-wasn't-supposed-to-be.

I am soooooo glad I held back from saying nice things and asking you to keep blogging.

Welcome back ..

(I guess)

ace is hoke is ace
what the fuck is going on
easily confused

how funny it is
fooling the feeble minded
ace is a gerbil stuffing butt-munch with a propensity for practical jokes and little boys

/not 5 syllables but couldn't help myself

Anyway, at that point I figured, hey, I better do some sort of dumb off-the-cuff retirement riff, or else Instapundit would feel burned and he'd never link me again.

You are an odd, odd man.

No. This is not good enough. Will not do. You can't just walk out on us, say we're through, then, when you've had your fill of cattin round, come rushin back home, saying it was all a joke. You must think we're dirt, wrapped round your little finger, willing to put up with all your petty cruelties. No sir. Not this time. The human heart has its limit. You can't...

Oh, Damn you! Damn you and your cat-who-ate-the-canary smile! Sigh. Your dinner's warming in the oven... Yes, your favorite. The meatloaf with the crusty edges. Your paper's on your chair. (Please honey, don't do this ever again. Leave us a little dignity.)

You had me at "hello." Or "wow" . Whatever.

Sure "Hoke" is a real guy.

Sure he is.

I believe you.

A haiku encompassing my thoughts:

Laughing Spring Brook

Hoke is Ace? Reminder:
he called VA for Kerry.
Put me some knowledge here.

I am 1/4 gibbering rhesus monkey on my father's side. So? You make it sound like some kind of a slur.
Bigot.

And I only sniff glue on Monday nights. It helps me relax. Mondays are rough, you know?

Props for the movie reference, but you got the quote wrong:

"I don't think we're 'plans' types of guys."

I really don't think this is a "brains" kind of operation

Didn't make sense to me that Ace'd quit just as his comments feedback and probably his new traffic has surged so much in the last few months.

I have to say I enjoyed the whole stupid routine. The Smitty character was so lame that you had me laughing out loud.

Smitty.

It's so perfectly generic, uncreative, and weak.

Often it's the little details that make a bit funny. All the stupid shit you think is just throw-away jackassery is what really makes this site hilarious.

Glad you're "back."

You had me at "shower"

I'm just glad you're not gone. You're my addiction replacement for Allah. :)

What's the South Park reference? Is there a link? 25 words or less?

South Park built up to this cliffhanger episode revealing who Cartman's dad was, and then, after weeks of promoting that episode, instead showed a lame episode of the "Terrence and Phillip" cartoon.

The fans hated it and many people stopped watching out of anger.

So this whole time I was keenly aware of that fact.

The Smitty character was so lame that you had me laughing out loud.

Well, Smitty isn't really a "character." I just think the name itself is funny.

And I will continue thinking that until the day I die. I don't care how many of you tell me "The Smitty thing has to stop."

They told letterman the same thing about Larry "Bud" Melman, and did he ever quit with that lame bit? No, he did not.

Smitty.

I still fucking laugh a little every time I write the name.

Thanks.

Wait, I'm completely lost. Lauren Bush is retiring? Who is this Hoke person? Who got the money I sent via Paypal? Did it go to Smitty? Why is the name am I one of the few people who liked "Smitty"? Can I give my donation to Smitty instead of Ace?

Anyway, at that point I figured, hey, I better do some sort of dumb off-the-cuff retirement riff, or else Instapundit would feel burned and he'd never link me again.

You are an odd, odd man.

Yeah, whatever, Bill from INDC. Like you've never found yourself in a situation where you've felt the need to do some sort of dumb off-the-cuff retirement riff.

I fucking can't stand hypocrites.

Ace...does Smitty still have his own blog? I seem to remember there being one around the time he made his first appearance,

That might be a helpful link for you to re-post so folks can get a feel for who Smitty really is.

WHAT? Smitty wasn't real???

(just trying to live up to Fat Kid's expectations.)

South Park built up to this cliffhanger episode revealing who Cartman's dad was, and then, after weeks of promoting that episode, instead showed a lame episode of the "Terrence and Phillip" cartoon.

The fans hated it and many people stopped watching out of anger.

Those people weren't true fans.

But seriously, I personally thought that was hilarious. Especially in retrospect, as within the cliffhanger episode they're watching TV and an ad comes on for the T&P special. Ha ha. And the T&P show is actually quite funny. If people weren't seething with rage as they watched it they would have understood that.

Or maybe it's the reverse. Maybe the fact that I imagine all those wieners that took "who is Cartman's dad" so seriously that they could be infuriated by getting a T&P episode instead whenever I watch the show somehow makes it seem funnier than it is.

Kind of funny that you had this South Park scenario in your head when, not knowing that, in earlier comments I mentioned another South Park scenario for your comeback (just coming back with no explanation, the way they brought Kenny back after killing him for real).

Anyway, welcome back. The phone calls almost made it worth it. Almost.

Oh, yeah, one more thing: Announcing this catastrophe has finally come to an end and that you couldn't be happier...but doing that all under Hoke's name. Priceless!

Ace...does Smitty still have his own blog? I seem to remember there being one around the time he made his first appearance.

Well... it depends on what you mean by "still." It still exists, I imagine. But there's like only one post.

I tried to find the link the other day, but I couldn't. It was called "Smitty's Place" or something like that.

Google just couldn't find ol' Smitty.

Either way... trust me, it ain't worth it goin' there.

Not worth it? First the T&P episode was no good, and now Smitty's Place isn't "worth it"? Give me a break.

Don't believe me, people? Fine. Judge for yourself:

http://smittys.blogspot.com/

A quest!

Be the first to find Smitty's blog and win cash and prizes.

Or, alternatively, win a shirt nobody wants.

Sounds like a perfect A-o-Spades contest to me!

Oh, wait, I forgot most comment readers are lazy bastards. Try this:

http://smittys.blogspot.com/

Yeah, Ace didn't try to search to hard for this post, lol.

Considering that a search for "smitty" and "whittlin'" turns up Smitty's blog as the number one result.

Damn these readers and their collective memories!!!

I hope you feel like a big piece of shit -- because you should. I really was sad to see you go. Now I think you should go. At least for a while; let Hoke take over for a while and you can go and think about what you did.

"I better do some sort of dumb off-the-cuff retirement riff, or else Instapundit would feel burned and he'd never link me again."

That is most lame-ass reasn I ever heard! It doesn't make a lick of sense.

"Some "Hoke" posts were mine, some were his."

Dood, you can't pull that shit. This ain't a comedy- skit-site. Stop playing fucking games.

I don't know you right now. It may never be the same again.

P.S. By the way, isn't a prank supposed to be funny? Tell me for whom this was funny. Jackass.

I found it funny :). Course I had a good idea it was a prank from the start.

Bart,

I'm sorry you feel that way. I really did try to let everyone know it was a prank, posting multiple times as "Smitty" telling people it was a hoax (and linking back to the post where I first said I wanted to be called Smitty).

I posted that so many times that people told me to stop telling them what they already knew. I'm sorry you missed those comments, but I did try.

And I thought the phone-bits were funny.

Other people did, too.

It was an attempt to be funny, not to upset anyone. And it was a half-baked attempt at that, something that just happened and that I hadn't planned out.

I did my best with the prank that had been dropped in my lap, and tried to reassure everyone that it was just a gag.

I guess I could have been more explicit.

For some reason this whole prank never bothered me. I hope that hurts your feelings you sick bastard. :-)

And besides isn't crazy blog money your only source of income? How else could you be kept in the Ace O Spades Lifestyle you're accustomed to (I'm going to call it a lifestyle, but I'm not sure if you can call nipple watching and warporn a "lifestyle" per se)?

I think Bart's taking this way too seriously. I guess I could understand if he way paying you (Ace) to blog, but I'm also guessing he's not.

I admit, I didn't think it especially funny, but it didn't bother me, either.

Of course, the thought does occur that perhaps Bart is attempting a funny, himself...

So this is what it feels like to be the Prodigal's brother...

just kidding. the phone calls were a riot.

Ace, was thinking of you in the shower today,glad your back!

I think we need Bart's Smitty* to chime in now and reassure us that his post was just a gag. I imagine he'd say something like this:

Come on, guys, it was a joke. I mean, "I don't know you right now"? Who would say that and be serious?

* Yes, some day we'll all need our personal Smitty to bail us out of these messes. Perhaps we could standardize on a naming convention so it will be obvious who is a real person, who is a Smitty, and which Smitty belongs to which real person.

BART DOESN'T GET IT. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

I still think it was Guckert Envy.

Bart, Bob Dole's Cock on line 1.
He wants to have a little talk with you about constructive criticism.

ok, I'm kinda stuck on this "nipple watching and warporn" not being a lifestyle.

who knew?

Y'all can choose not to believe the "I am not always Hoke" thing, but I'm fairly convinced "The Ace of Spades Lifestyle" can't afford a second house in Virginia...

Yes Hoke, I kept the receipt for the pig - they carelessly included your name and return address. Some day you're going to get those oranges. ;-)

Anyway, keep up the good work, Ace. Though if I were you, I'd make Hoke change the password to his login. Too much loose shit hanging about lately.

We won't leave you either Acey dear.

You know what I always say.
Ace readers are like a Cult...
but w/o the human sacrifice...
well... at least, w/o the Koolaid drinking

Listen to your mother:
just because you're odd, it doesn't mean you're not gifted

It's ok for our #1 blogger to take a rest
...become someone else for a change
...let the disordered multiple personalities
run free

Well Sweetums, TaTa! Cheerio! Auntie must be off!
Time to run up the Skull and Crossbones and set out for the High Seas. Plunder and Pillage. Pillage and Plunder. No Dilly-dallying now.

Ace, I am very glad to hear that you are not retiring. =)
.....

Awww, Ace, I still love ya, man.

I'll be honest. The phone calls were funny and all but I didn't make the "Smitty" connection. As much as I love reading the blogosphere, I don't have time to click on every damn link in a post.

If I started to investigate "Smitty" I wouldn't have time to fantasize about Wonkette and I clubbing baby seals.

Jokes aside, I would be sad to see you go. I like your blog a whole lot. I would even buy a t-shirt (if for some reason I wanted to look like a D&D geek).

Okay, sorry about that last comment. I'm feeling a little punchy after LAURAW's crack about criticism.
The last person who should be preaching constructive criticism is LauraFrikkinW.

Colon,

"I didn't make the "Smitty" connection"

Not surprising for somebody who can't 'fill in the blanks' so to speak.

Other posters said "Ace = Smitty, we get it, stop ruining a joke."

Dammit!
Bob revealed my middle name!
Now of course, I must kill all of you.