ACE - Think Michael Moore.

Well, if you are a bear, then Andrew Sullivan could probably hook up with some "connections" in Provincetown with that kind of proposal. How are your skills in the hammock?

Why does it bother you so much, Ace? Are you hoping to go pro?

Serious question there, not snark.

Ace has made it clear that if given the opportunity, he would sell out, sell out like the wind.

Er, is this your stealth way of trying to guilt everyone into buying a shirt?

Cause you should've come out and baldly done that in the first place.

I sent Allah some money once... he quit blogging soon after that, don't want the same thing to happen to you.

Easy- get yourself one of those White House press passes, lob a softball question, prepare for the storm

I thought Larry King was the person to blow for these sorts of deals.

Based on the success of Wonkette, the answer is more buttfuck jokes.

And get a sex change.

Make sure the doc supersizes the rack.

Look, the MSM doesn't notice bloggers unless they come from the MSM themselves (Sullivan, Jarvis, etc.), they're involved somehow in a major news story (Lott, Rathergate), or they're pulling such insane traffic -- say, 50K a day -- that they can't be ignored (Glenn, Wonkette).

As for the t-shirts: they never sell big. I can think of two other bloggers off the top of my head who introduced shirts to great fanfare on their sites only to post a few days later about how disappointed they were with sales. I had the same experience when I tried selling mine. You spend a lot of time designing them, you're thrilled at your very own vanity product being on the market -- and then they tank, for the simple reason that few people are such ardent fans of any one blog that they want to spend twenty dollars to advertise that fact.

Keep on keeping on, Ace. You're doing an excellent job.

Speaking of MSM blogs, looks like the blogosphere will have endless stupid fodder Real Soon Now.

You've sold more T-shirts than I have, lol, stop complaining

Ace:

If you could hit the heights of eloquence of Larry King, you just might get the crazy money you need, without any blowing:

I Am Fucking Insane
by Larry King

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school.... It's a shame what's happening in Sarajevo.... There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV.... Don't count out Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race.... If you see my good friend Harry, tell him to give me a call.... Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so consistently delicious.... I just thought of a great question to ask Jan Michael Vincent.... Boy, do I hate this shirt.... What's that guy over there doing?.... The Amish make fine houses.... I wish Freddie Prinze was alive today so we could both laugh.... Some of the most beautiful women in the world work in diners.... Sex after 60 may be a challenge, but I like challenges.... If I had four awards to give, I would give them all to the Golden Girls.... I cannot wait to see what the producers of Logan's Run are up to next.... Teach a poor city kid how to love and you've made the world slightly better.... Help, I'm stuck on a ledge!.... Get out of my house!.... Please don't ever leave me again.... What in God's name am I talking about here, anyway?.... Look up "inventive" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Shields & Yarnell.... I don't give a fuck who you are; I paid the goddamn bill.... The difference between top-shelf vodka and bottom-shelf vodka is only a few dollars.... Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us.... I am always amazed at the depth of TV's Angie, Donna Pescow.... My earwax is impacted.... Shoes make the man, but it takes men and women working together to make a pair of shoes.... Cutting down on sugar is a great way to lower gastrointestinal discomfort.... There's a nice food restaurant on the corner of Belmont and Shanks.... Betrayal can bring about the coldest season of the human heart.... I disapprove of anyone who might cheat on a test.... Check out the rack on that Bernadette Peters.... Will someone help me get these curlers out of my hair?.... I am afraid of scary bats.... Hey, there's pears in this Jell-O!.... All the people who were ever important to me are dead.... Lord Jesus, how I wish I was Robert Wagner.... Always carry a hammer with you.... I forgot to refrigerate the butter.... The brown bananas taste very, very different.... Are you famous? If so, I love you!.... Where's my Bromo-Seltzer?.... There's nothing like breathable black dress socks on a sunny day.... Somehow I got all wet again.... If you look up marmosets in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of a small furry mammal.... Christ, my freakin' head is spinning!.... What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.... Charles Kuralt has worn some of the finest sweaters known to man.... How in God's name did this M.A.S.H. show get cancelled?.... Those armchairs with the swing-out foot rests are a true godsend.... My brown belt. Where the hell did I put that damn thing?.... Not so tight.... Have you ever noticed you park in the driveway but you drive to the movies in your car?.... That Ellen Burstyn has still got it.... If I could be any nationality in the world, I'd be Flemish.... Milton Berle is hung like an ox.... Of all the major religions, Buddhism has the best outfits.... If I was God for a day, I would eliminate the terrible scourge of rickets.... These scabs are not healing as quickly as I would have hoped.... That Eartha Kitt is one dynamite lady—and a class act to boot.

---------------------------------------------------

Larry King's column, I Am Fucking Insane, appears every Monday. His program Get These Damn Squirrels Off Of Me is seen nightly on CNN.

My mantra: affiliate advertising, affiliate advertising

What's with the ads at Football Fans for Truth?

Someone actually bought something from our site! Whooohoo!

Hahaha - I get shit for traffic and I sold two "fat kid" shirts. You need to have a model contest (like frank j) - or just rabies-ridden readers (like frank j).

In all seriousness, I was going to have a "beat frank j's model t-shirt contest" b/c I had some girls who'd sport the cafepress thong for my site, but I got *REALLY* lazy, and it never came together. I'm now glad I didn't do it b/c Frank ended up proposing to that chick a few days ago *phew*

In any case, my hope is your attempt to go mainstream falls flat on its' face and you drop the PC shit and post more about "dirt testes" "paul anka" and D&D. Who really gives a shit about going big time anyway? Let's be honest, we really are just a bunch of pajama-clad salivating morons.... or maybe that's just me.

:P

Keep up the good work.

Paul Anka. But you have to blow him with integrity.

If you really want to sell t-shirts, you have to go balls-to-the-wall. This taking a vote shit doesn't count - you're the funny guy, not us retarded commenters.

I want a shirt I can wear to the gym that'll make grown mens bowels turn to mush. Make one of those, and they'll sell.

FWIW - the only t-shirt I've bought from any blogger period (and I don't even think this counts) was a "Six Days Bitch" t-shirt from either Aaron or Allah (forget) - b/c that thing kicks so much ass and 90% of the people you see, either cross the street to avoid you, or give you a high-five. THAT... is a cool shirt.

Why does it bother you so much, Ace? Are you hoping to go pro?

Well... yeah, I'd like to break through into the media in some way.

KCTrio,

That's good stuff. Is that your own, or lifted from the Onion or something?

Sorry, straight from The Onion. It's an oldy but a goody.

I wish I could take credit for it.

Ace, when you start whining about this or that you start to blend in with the legion of other bloggers who bitch about how hard their stool is or how Bob Dole's cock made their ass bleed.
In order to make the crazy blog money, you got to stand out from the crowd. Its like in prison, you got to pick someone weaker than you, and beat the living shit outta him.
So stop the loose-shit whining and start ass raping like a VIKING! Nobody wants to buy a t-shirt from a loose-shit blogger. They want to buy it from the Viking King.

fat kid -- The "Six Days" shirt is mine, and it perfectly illustrates what I said. I figured with all the pro-Israeli bloggers and readers out there, I might conceivably sell 1,000 of those. I specifically didn't include my URL or the name of my site in the design so that it would appeal to the general market, and I went with a merchandiser other than Cafe Press so that I could make it a few dollars cheaper.

Over the course of seven months, I sold maybe 60 or 70 units. And remember, I was averaging about 30K hits a day when I quit, so plenty of people were aware of them.

Moral of the story: the guys don't get shirts. Because the guys don't want to fuckin' buy 'em. But thanks for the kind words (and the purchase). It's cool that they get a reaction.

Ace: You could prance down a runway wearing an "Ace" T-shirt with cutouts to show your boobies....something like this hottie:

http://www.imagehosting.us/imagehosting/showimg.jpg/?id=359252

Or maybe not.

The blogosphere is like television in 1945.

I'm sure a lot of the people involved in early TV sat around wondering, "How the hell are we supposed to make money off this thing?" And look how that turned out!

Fat Kid,

Allah sold the "Six Days Bitch" shirts.

And Ace is already semi-pro. He did pitch a script at Sundance in between sessions of deflowering Blossom.

But to answer your question Ace, I think Downtown Lad held the keys to your 4,300 sq foot loft kingdom. And, you banned him before he could instruct you on the fine art of Jersey Turnpike "glory hole" profiteering.

Still, you are a better man for it Ace. A broken, poor, starving man, but a better one.

(If it makes you feel better, only one person has ever hit my tipjar. I mean, I'm waging a one man war against Iceland, for God's sake. You would think a few folks would spare a buck or two in support of the brave blogtower troops!)

ACE - I am a 50ish 350 lb, sweaty, LA movie-producer with green sequined sparkled toenails and matching earrings. I have been described as cute as a Shitsu [if you mated a bull with a shitsu, would you get a bullshitsu?] Yuk, yuk! (No, actually it doesn't work - only kigging, don't get your panties in a twist!) Could you define exactly what you mean by:

Will man-whore for blog-money?

OK, the rest of you readers and commenters! I'm sick of carrying Ace's Val-U-Rite bargain vodka habit on my own!

Hit the blasted tip jar!

ACE - Fly the flags at half staff, for:

This Day in History: 3/30/1981 Ronald Reagan is shot.

John Hinkley shoots President Ronald Reagan outside the Hilton Hotel in Washington D.C. just after the President had addressed the Building and Construction Workers Union of the AFL-CIO.

And as we all know, he told the surgeons at his operating table:

I hope you're all good Republicans!

That's moxie!

Dianna - Sheeeeiitt! I've been carrying Dave's raging black tar heroin habit for years, I'll trade 'ya.

72prunes -

Nope. Rotgut's about my limit in contributing to delinquency.

Ace,

Don't worry about the Glenn reynolds thing. He's way overrated.

I live about 30 minutes from ol'Insty. So about a week ago, I put a post up asking my readers:

1) Would they be interested in me interviewing Reynolds and

2) If so, what would they like me to ask?

You know how many comments I got in response? Zero.

One or two days later, I posted a photo of a French pig farmer in an awkward position vis/a/vis the pigs ass.

Comments? 15.

So Glenn Reynolds is less popular than a Frenchman humping a pig's butt.

At least that's the conclusion I'm drawing.

One or two days later, I posted a photo of a French pig farmer in an awkward position vis/a/vis the pigs ass.

It would help if you were a real person instead of a fucking playing card. Why in the world would a booker call you for a gig when you might be Bernie Goetz or have a name like Mike Rotchreeks?

You're asking these numbnuts to buy a pig in a poke and they're too goddman careful with their careers to do such a thing.

You'll have to settle for our admiration and sporadic contributions, I'm thinking, until you are willing to shed your anonymity.

Jack M.

You live 30 minutes from Insty? My God, why haven't you taken him to The University of the South, found yourself some 5,000 acre spread of wilderness, and done horrific things together out in the woods?

Pigs? That's just the beginning, my friend. And no Tennessee cops will know. Plus, you'll be far enough away from Insty's turf so his colleagues won't know. Hell, who the fuck knows what goes on at that sprawling Episcopal college.

Because I want Insty kept all safe and secure on the University of Tennessee campus where he can continue posting all the "democrasexy protest babes" pictures.

After all, it's pretty much the only reason I link to him.

Make that
31 shirts
with comment, of course.
It says what needs to be said, simply enough.
Thankyouverymuch.

Well, then why don't the two of you go to Nashvegas, hit the Vandy campus and start searching for rich freshman gals?

It's very conservative, trust me on this one. And it has the highest per-capita income of any college in the country. Try and find yourself a Peabody College freshman. Those gals are working on their MRS degrees.

Then, all you'd have to do is hop over to the downtown strip if you strike out on the campus, and there are plenty of women willing and waiting. Just have a few hundred dollars with you and I'm sure you'll get whatever your heart desires.

I got my actual real name posted in a Powerline post a couple of months ago. That's pretty much the epoch of my fame. No blog groupies yet....

Yep..as a long time SEC man, I am well acquainted with the pros and cons of every conference school's campus, including Vandy's.

But the idea of spending time with Reynolds just isn't very appealing. I'd probably have to pistol whip himi after the 53rd "heh", the 71st "read the whole thing" or the 105th "indeed" dropped into conversation.

This is especially true if hanging with Glenn was viewed as getting Ardolino and Goldstein's sloppy seconds and thirds.

I mean, no offense to either of them, but Jack travels first class, or Jack don't travel at all.

Hey KCTrio, it's actually 10,000 acres of sheer superfantasticness. But thanks for the "plug."

Actually, Sarah, I knew that, just forgot. I had a friend that went there that used to say when he was frustrated "Screw you, I'm going off to my 100 acres for some peace and quiet."

It's really a beautiful campus, and I've been there many times. I really love Tennessee and your campus. It's quite special, and forgive me, I was just trying to be funny.

you are forgiven, and I'm glad you are among the enlightened!

The only T shirt I have ever bought from a blog was the Reagan shirt that says, 'Hey Comrades You're Welcome' on it from Allah.

The reason I like it is that its like those dumbass Che Guevara shirts but smarter and right wing.

And dumb libs just stare at it, failing to get the joke.

Ace, you mean you don't blog just for the love of it like I do????

If it makes you feel any better I don't think Jeff and Bill are making any money off the radio thing.

Probably doesn't make them feel better though.

I wear my Reagan shirt without the text, and I get random people thinking it's Bush Jr. Silly people, I won't idolize him unless he actually transforms the middle east in about 20 years.

If it makes you feel any better I don't think Jeff and Bill are making any money off the radio thing.

Boy Howdy, does it ever!

But still, they're also getting attention, which is also something I crave.

So it's a wash.

Alright, alright, ALRIGHT YOU WHINY BITCH.

I bought a friggin' shirt. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

I just wish you'd given me an Anka quote on the back instead of Mencken one. I want to arouse interest, not disgust.

Quoth Ace:

But I'll fine

How fitting. Spot the missing verb, ya goofball.

Very happy, Jeff.

You're always a difficult one to crack-- first with Andrew Sullivan, now with my fine t-shirts.

Without a doubt, once you turned me to the Dark Side with Sullivan, there was no going back. Every time I trip across his words on some other blog (most often yours!) the words "GOBSMACKINGLY VILE" and the phrase "I'm not easily offended" flash like klaxons before my eyes.

Oh, and "flat-out amazing offer?" Do tell, Johnny Cryptic.

Coeur. It's "cri-de-coeur." But frankly, you deserve to leave it as-is for your courage and insight in damning French as a "gutter language."

Just having Rightwingsparkle show up one time in my comment section made me feel better.

She is a cutie-patootie, as the kids say.

And she writes well, to boot!

Ace, for the love of all that's holy...

PLease let us know that your "flat out amazing offer" wasn't an invitation to Downtown Lad's 4,300 sq. foot loft to watch the Final Four on his 70" Plasma Screen TV!!!

Cause ever since you started the whole "man-whore" thing, I've been a little worried.....

Oh, and "flat-out amazing offer?" Do tell, Johnny Cryptic.

Don't want to jinx it. Also, mind your own beeswax, Nosey Noserton.

Coeur. It's "cri-de-coeur."

Did I not just say I don't give a shit? I'm leaving the error up there. I hope it makes some beret-wearing fucknuts get a case of the vapors.

PLease let us know that your "flat out amazing offer" wasn't an invitation to Downtown Lad's 4,300 sq. foot loft to watch the Final Four on his 70" Plasma Screen TV!!

I'm not saying it is, but I'm also not saying it isn't.

What I do with my spare time is nobody's business but mine, and occasionally my urologist.

OTOH, a poster has just made me a flat-out amazing offer, so I guess I'm pretty happy about my on-line cri de couer.

I knew I should have bitched more on my site. SHIT.

Once I was but the learner, but now I am the master.

A master of evil, sure. But a master. And that's pretty fuckin' cool.

Allah,

I'm telling you man...bitchin' thru a series of interpretive photoshops would have KILLED!

You could have redefined a medium. You know, like Warhol. Only with talent and a decent haircut.

Also, mind your own beeswax, Nosey Noserton.

Says the man who posted about it on his public blog.

That's like the gothy-type chick you sort of knew from 10th-grade homeroom class (sallow complexion, but a decent rack) who sits down at next to you one day at lunch, flashs prominent slash marks on her wrists, and saying "I did something crazy last night, but I can't tell you what it is. It's a secret."

er, that would be "flashes prominent slash marks on her wrists, and SAYS..."

I look pretty friggin' stupid upbraiding Ace for spelling/grammar errors when I can't even keep my own damn house in order.

Jeff B.,

I've already got ace pegged as the girlfriend who apologizes for being ugly (when she's not).

Sounds like the same chick that you're thinking of.

A little needy if you know what I mean.

/i keed

Says the man who posted about it on his public blog.

Hah! Well, I hope you realize I was kidding. It was ironic-- yeah, I know I posted it on my blog, and it's natural that someone would be curious.

I was doing that exact Goth-girl thing you're talking about.

Come on! Crikey, this is a humor site. 95% of what I say is not exactly on the level.

I've already got ace pegged as the girlfriend who apologizes for being ugly (when she's not).

If it works, it works.

Don't worry, Ace - I'm 100% on your wavelength.

In fact, I'm your number one fan.

[cue jagged, discordant soundtrack music]

Once I was but the learner, but now I am the master.

Whoa. Careful, Grasshopper.
Lose not the Beginner's Mind, for it is the path to greatness.

If you lose the Beginner's Mind, you are destined to be the bloated Merv Griffin, sure in himself and relevant to no one.

But who gives a rats ass about relevance on a yacht on the Andaman Sea, am I right?

Mwwaaaa haa a aa haaaa

Strong words, LauraW. Strong, incomprehensible words.

But my point is that this "Allah" person was once a sort of mentor to me. But now... I've whined myself maybe into some sort of paying gig. Actually, maybe two paying gigs.

You know how they say you should never forget the people you met on your way up? I say the fuck with that. What's the point of moving up if you can't forget the people you had to step on to get there?

I don't feel like living with guilt. I feel like getting some drugs and hookers and just going crazy on some chick while my girlfriend Betsy watches.

And I have to say that this "Allah" person, as important as he was to me, will be the first fucker I go about forgetting. If I don't forget about him, he'll have some notion I owe him something; I'd prefer to not have to decline his request, but rather just say, smiling, "And you were...?"

You must know, of course, that I found you through Allah.

I followed the linky thingy...and there you were.

Be assured, if Allah comes back..and he will (in perhaps some other incarnation)...you are fucking TOAST.

I tell the truth. Because I love. I love.

Allah who now?

(I hope the Maker of Wisdom gets that this is joking around. Gulp.)

Wow..two paying gigs.

All I ask is the occasional cameo appearance on Ace's fledgling shows so I can live up to the legacy of my thespian role model:

Larry "Bud" Melman.

You know..the old guy from when Letterman was cool.

I actually found you through Steven den Beste, I think. Which is a great to do it: his links section worked exactly the way it ought to. I just assumed that if a blog was linked there I should make it a point to check out. The check-to-eventual-bookmark ratio for his lists was incredibly high for me.

And you're still on it!

Hey Allah...if you feel the need to respond to Ace's insults (especially if that need to respond were to feature a photoshop or two) the keys to the Blogtower are yours, buddy.

Just let me know. I'm a giver that way.

Ohh...and if you could let me know a couple of days ahead of time, so that I can spread the word about your return, that would be great too. You know..it would be a shame FOR YOU if the word didn't get out.

And I have to say that this "Allah" person, as important as he was to me, will be the first fucker I go about forgetting. If I don't forget about him, he'll have some notion I owe him something; I'd prefer to not have to decline his request, but rather just say, smiling, "And you were...?"

So what you're saying is, you've found yourself a stage. And, also, in addition, you're the only important one on it.

Didn't I say shirts?

Hope that didn't sting.
Allah could sure spin shit into gold, though.
A regular barnyard alchemist.

The campaign photoshops were deadly. I didn't have to do any ab work if I read those. Hurt for days.

Ace, PHOTOSHOP.
You don't even have to work very hard for it. Check out this post:

See? Alan Colmes = Tales from the Crypt puppet!

Jack, you truly are shameless. LOL

No one's buying your shirts because they kinda suck.

Hey, fat kid, this isn't about me at all...this is all about making sure that Allah has a forum that he can use to respond to Ace's casual dismissals.

Trust me...I never once thought about the impact it would have on my site's traffic. Or how cool it would be to say "Introducing the Blogtower's new contributor: Allah" or anything of the sort! Ya gotta believe me.

I'm a giver, dammit!

Now shut the hell up or I'm gonna invite Amish over to blog about you! :)

PS: Jack M. and Jack are two seperate entities. I'm not the one criticizing Ace's shirts.