It sounds like him to me. Am i the only one who hears a weird "clapping" sound in the background? ewww...

The guys get shirts! Where's Joe?

Don't do drugs??

More like, "There are a lot better things to do with your life than drugs...things like eating Betsy's pussy and doing a ling of blow off my cock."

You know, the only problem with the top 10 is that if Shaq heard that, the man would either be in the hospital with a ruptured colon or six feet under, depending on Shaq's preference.

Fuck Powerline. This place is where you get the best content.

BIRD.

It's Larry BIRD.

I know, I know, it seems like the only thing I do around here is pop up occasionally to provide prickish spelling corrections.

Jeff B:

I think that was Ace reaching the sublime. That's an allusion to Senator Byrd.

Ace, should I put you on some sort of GR mailing list?

I did a story on this a few days ago, but didn't send it to you, fearing that you wouldn't find Pat O'Brien having phone sex funny.

I guess that was a bad call, Ripley.

http://garfieldridge.typepad.com/garfieldridge/2005/
03/access_hollywei.html

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

I did a story on this a few days ago, but didn't send it to you, fearing that you wouldn't find Pat O'Brien having phone sex funny.

Dave, don't take this the wrong way, but are you a fucking moron?

Jeff,

Corrected. I had Senator Byrd in the list too, before editing and changing that to Mary Lou Retton. Maybe I just got it all confused.

Maybe I just don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Either/or.

Thanks Ace, although you need to correct "Byrd" a second time in #8 (you namecheck him twice, but only fixed the first one).

All will be forgiven if you, as per my Shatner comment a few posts down, actually go and check out his album Has-Been. It is the manifest fulfillment of the Shatner je ne sais quois.

And here I was, thinking that everytime you mentioned "Mary Lou Retton" you were really meaning "Lou Reed".

Things just havent been the same since you nuked the blog....

Ummmm, can someone introduce me to Betsy?

Just wonderin'

Ummmm, can someone introduce me to Betsy?

What if it's only a package deal? (no pun intended)

What's it with these ultra-p***y disclaimers? You modified it to make it even more wishy-washy than before. YOU'RE THE ACE OF FUCKING SPADES, MAN. You have a death card with skull, crossbones, & a bloody sword as your mascot. Did you go and develop your sensitive on us in secret or something?

I once knew a man who called himself "Ace" before the election. He wasn't afraid to curse like a sailor without any warning whatsoever when the humor demanded it. I don't believe that Ace is dead. I don't WANT to believe that Ace is dead. But I wonder.

Anybody ever read Bloom County back in the day? Ace, these days you're reminding me of Steve Dallas after the aliens flipped his brain over to the 'light side.'

(N.B.: p***y is "pansy," of course. Because we know full well that no decent, red-blooded non-bigoted American would use that other word.)

Keggin:

I think there is a long line for Betsy. I've already offered to give Mademoiselle my place in line. I think it only honorable that you should, too.

Valor before hot sex, you know.

Did you go and develop your sensitive on us in secret or something?

Er..."sensitive SIDE," that is.

Fer cryin' out loud.

Jeff,

It is Good Friday, you know.

Kind of sketchy.

Before anyone starts going off on Pat here, Stop. Think. This man is living the American C-list celebrity dream. What is he supposed to be doing with his time if not roping together threeways and snorting coke off whores' asses, huh? He should be doing PSAs? Really? Organizing celebrity golf events? What is he, Canadian?

No. This guy gets it. Once you attain a certain celebrity-for-being- a-celebrity altitude you begin to see things as they really are, for their true purpose. Nancy O'Dell's face? Of course you lick it. Bare fuckin' minimum. Why else did God put it at tongue level for Christ sakes? No. Pat gets it. And that is so fuckin hott!

Of course you're right as usual.

Pat O'Brien is so fuckin' hot. I just want to go crazy on him. I don't know why I'm acting this way.

Thank you so much KC. How kind of you

(and well...anything that gets me closer to the hot sex)

Jeff B.

I'm lost here. That #1 reason is about the filthiest fucking thing I've read in a long time, and I've read some filthy shit. I read every single message in my Yahoo bulk mail folder, and none of them reach the heights of filth as that.

Any time you see the word "kids" and the other words in that post, you've seen the genius host hit the pinnacle of filthy funny.

Pat O'Brien IS hot. I know it, you know, and now the whole damn world knows it. I still love the ladies, the muscle mountain, rasslin, tie-me-in-a-love-knot ladies, but I'm secure enough in my manhood not to deny the obvious. Pat O'Brien? He's my host of 'Access so-fuckin-hot!'

Any time you see the word "kids" and the other words in that post, you've seen the genius host hit the pinnacle of filthy funny.

I'll admit, I was swayed by this line of argumentation. And by the fact that Betsy was into it, too. God she's a filthy woman.

Oh.

Fuck.

Damn it, Ace. I *AM* a fucking moron.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

P.S. To make up for it-- what would you like?

Stupid college kids hurting each other?

http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=128084

Or David Hasselhoff giving us cheesecake?

http://cheesedip.com/misc/thehoffcalendar05.doc

I will not fail you again.

Dude--you rock! Best blog around!!!

Happy Easter and God Bless Terri!!!

Ace,

Funny.

Really, really, funny.

Fucking hilarious funny.

Really.

MeTooThen,

Thanks. Surreptitiously-recorded audio seems to be my best medium.

Is it just me? Right around 3 min in, after Pat describes in loving detail what she can do to and for Betsy's ass, doesn't he toss out '... and the kids can watch us.' Wha?

That's what I'm hearing. If so, Pat's taking dirty talk to a whole new level. This guy's a Picasso, a fuckin Einstein rewritting what is even possible in dirty talk, changing the way scientists' view the dirty talk universe and mans' place in it. If this worked on the chick, this guy may be a pervert genius.

Nah, I think he says "Jeff" can watch us.

Hmm... maybe. But I listened to it again with earphones and it still sounds '...kids can watch us.' When the transcript arrives, I'll let you know.

Pat, if you did, I doff my cap. In your perversion you have boldly gone where other men dare not even dream. Rehab well, you glorious bastard!

I think this may be an instance where the guys don't get shirts. I'm fairly certain Betsy doesn't get one.

Nah, I think he says "Jeff" can watch us.

My shameful secret finally comes to the fore.

Jeff B:

Go over to Jack M.'s site. Scroll down to "Caption Contest #2."

There's a lovely photo of the day. Here's your chance to expand your voyeuristic pleasures. The opportunities are endless.

Ray, you'd better not be cheating on me with Pat O'Brien!

I WILL kick your ass and then punish you too!

You're MY little gnat. Only MY calloused hands will hold you.

Gottit?

Lipstick, I'd never leave you for a twig like O'Brien, even with his 'wanna go fuckin crazy with you' eyes. See you round the comments, always remember we have somethin' special.

Can't believe you forgot to work in "beat off in your face, heh. "

I don't know, this is new to me...

Oh this is good stuff Ace.

Biggest laugh was courtesy of Ray Midge though.

Nancy O'Dell's face? Of course you lick it. Bare fuckin' minimum. Why else did God put it at tongue level for Christ sakes?

That fucking killed me!

Yeah, Ray has some skills.

Ray Midge's comments are hilarious.

And as for Pat O'Brien, who hasn't done that? I mean, maybe not into an answering machine, but ...

Kind words, guys. Thanks.

Bill, listened to your show. Good stuff. My only beef is you and Jeff sound like you're calling in on cell phones. Homemade cell phones. Half the 'sphere's battle is getting the 'big guys' to take seriously, and that part ain't helpin. Sure it's out of you hands at this point, but if, eventually. you can do something on that, please do. Best of luck though.

And as for Pat O'Brien, who hasn't done that? I mean, maybe not into an answering machine, but ...

You answered your own question.

Dude, you are one funny humor monkey.

Bill, listened to your show. Good stuff. My only beef is you and Jeff sound like you're calling in on cell phones. Homemade cell phones. Half the 'sphere's battle is getting the 'big guys' to take seriously, and that part ain't helpin. Sure it's out of you hands at this point, but if, eventually. you can do something on that, please do. Best of luck though.

Well, the quality is much better than cellphone quality, but if you'd like to help, get about 20,000 more people to listen and they may send us a better class of equipment. Or build us a soundproof studio without dogs barking and UPS deliverymen. Personally, I think it adds to our street cred.

Walking before running,

Bill

Oh PS - a lot of the quality is dependent on the rate it's being streamed over the net, so even the fancy equipment and soundproof studio may not help without a change in that area ...

I learned a while back to NOT click on links where there is such a warning as this. So I didn't.

But here is what I know is sure to be the stupid question of the day. Who is Pat O'Brien?

The first time I heard this, I thought "Oh shit, that bitch told me she deleted those messages!"

Then I found out they think it's some asshole named Pat O'Brien with some gay push-broom mustache. Thank God, Betsy here would never forgive me.