Ace of Spades HQ

« Devolving Standards of Decency | Main | Fake Billboard Funnies »

March 25, 2005

Frank Lautenberg (D-Hyperparitsan Hackery) Demands Investigation into "Talking Points Memo"

Of course, he thinks the "We're just plain evil" memo is quite real.

Top Ten Exposed "Republican Talking Points"
by Ace of Spades and the unofficial staff of Ace of Spades HQ

10. "We hope to build a 'big-tent' coaltion of cretins, morons, and drooling retards to help pass our reckless Social Security schemes and thereby destroy the nation"

9. "It is absolutely untrue that many high-ranking Bush Administration officials are closeted homosexuals; however, at least three of them are 'really into' strangling hobos in their sleep"

8. "To be honest, we're pretty sure there isn't any oil in ANWR, but there are an awful lot of sacred Indian burial grounds we can desecrate by drilling, and we're all really big fans of Poltegeist"

7. "A return to chattel slavery is a long-term goal. Remeber to be patient; let's work on re-instituting Jim Crow before we 'overstep'" [Ayes of Death]

6. "Paul Wellstone? I'm not saying we offed him; but let's just say that every man chooses his own manner of dying, and maybe sometimes a political operative working for an opposing party uses 'substituted judgment' to make that decision on his behalf" [suggested by Rapid Transit]

5. "We'll be sending a man to Mars. First, though, we have to (giggle) send another (chortle) so-called 'mannned mission' (titter) to the Moon (guffaw)... Men on the Moon! What a riot! Jesus, that Nixon was freaking good" [suggested by JackM, as well as by Nina of Just Shoot Me]

4. "Of course we're all in favor of all Americans voting. And we have a simple rule: we will count every legal vote that's invisibly marked with either a Jesus Fish or the top-secret codewords 'Megadittoes' or 'Adelei Stevenson's a total fag'"

3. "When courageous truthtellers like Ward Churchhill and Michael Moore compare Bush to Hitler, never respond 'You say that like it's a bad thing'" [Big E]

2. "Many of you haven't gotten the memo on changes in language regarding Social Security. Remember, our mantra is Saving Social Security for Future Generations, not the less-persuasive Let them eat Soylent Green" [Nick Kronos]

...and the Number One Exposed "Republican Talking Point"...

1. "When smart, principled, and civic-spirited liberals trap you in yet another indefensible lie, remember you always have an out: just smile in a friendly manner and say 'Jesus doesn't like hypothetical questions... Sinner!'"

posted by Ace at 11:19 AM

Comments

I DON'T GET IT. IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

(I'm channeling a major newspaper editorial staff.)

Posted by: Carin on March 25, 2005 12:04 PM

>Frank Lautenberg Demands Investigation into "Talking Points Memo"

What's the ol' geezer got against Josh Marshall?

Posted by: Cynical Nation on March 25, 2005 12:08 PM

Very clever.

Posted by: Dianna on March 25, 2005 12:20 PM

Woo-hoo! Not only am I an "unofficial Ace of Spades HQ staffer", but to top it off I'm linked to Nina from "Just Shoot Me".

It's like I died and went to Heaven. If Heaven were a blog, and I could be convinced there was no chance of running into David Spade, that is.

Posted by: Jack M. on March 25, 2005 12:24 PM

OT: That damn blog ad for 'Lipstick & Dynamite' over there has burrowed it's way into my heart. Look at those two magnificent beasts!

If someone doesn't start posting under the name 'Lipstick Dynamite'- and damn soon - I'm gonna have to. Please don't make me do this.

Posted by: Ray Midge on March 25, 2005 12:26 PM

Please change the (D) to a (F) for Fnnnnngdemocrat. Thank you.

Posted by: wyguy on March 25, 2005 12:55 PM

Man, Soylent Green references just slay me.

Certainly one of the great cheesefests of all time.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on March 25, 2005 01:30 PM

Hi Ray,

Ready for that body slam?

Posted by: Lipstick Dynamite on March 25, 2005 04:13 PM

Lipstick baby,

Ready? I've been ready and waiting - been waiting all my life for a muscle bound, blonde girly mountain like you. This is the start of something good, sugar. Just always remember baby, no holds are barred between us. No. Holds. Barred.

Now take me, you glorious golden mountain!

Posted by: Ray Midge on March 25, 2005 06:35 PM

Oh Ray--

"Just always remember baby, no holds are barred between us. No. Holds. Barred. "

Alright look at you, already trying to make the rules. The first rule is that I make the rules. Isn't that why you love me to begin with?

You don't really want a taste of the Sleeper Hold, do you?

Now drop and give me twenty.

Posted by: Lipstick Dynamite on March 25, 2005 08:08 PM

Lipstick baby,

Right now you got me so hot I could give you 20 without even using my hands. I am yours. Break me where I am soft.

Posted by: Ray Midge on March 25, 2005 08:14 PM

Ummmm... please tell me you're not Lipstick Dynamite, Ray (as I had assumed), and that you're not now flirting with yourself.

Lipstick, who did you used to be?

Posted by: ace on March 25, 2005 08:40 PM

"Right now you got me so hot I could give you 20 without even using my hands. "

Now Ray, I may be a muscular blonde girly mountain , but I'm still a lady.

harumph

One Sleeper Hold, stat!!

Posted by: Lipstick Dynamite on March 25, 2005 08:58 PM

Sorry baby, sorry. You just... I dunno... You've rassled my sense away from me along with my heart. I'm just a man, a crude small gnat in your beefy, callossed, pretty hands. Can't think straight. Gettin... lightheaded. please... don't be gentle with me.

Posted by: on March 25, 2005 09:09 PM

I'm brand new, been reading for a few months and love the site.

Posted by: Lipstick Dynamite on March 25, 2005 09:10 PM

Ray, my little gnat--

My beefy pretty hands wave good night to you.

Ouch, dang, oh, sorry, a callous caught in the peach fuzz on my upper lip...

Anyway...Sleep well, my full-nelson of love.

Posted by: Lipstick Dynamite on March 25, 2005 10:45 PM