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« A German Lashes Out At European Cowardice | Main | Um, Okay: Detainees Accuse Female Interrogators of Violating the Geneva Convention Rule Against Lap-Dances »
February 10, 2005

Top Ten Comparisons Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill

10. Tonto's family totem includes the eagle, bear, and Trickster Coyote; Ward Churchill has no family totem, but his mantle does proudly display a signed photograph of Dick Cavett

9. Tonto rides a chestnut Appaloosa he calls "Scout;" Ward Churchill rides a teal Volvo S40 he calls "deductible business expense"

8. Tonto is an expert tracker with an unerring sense of direction; Ward Churchill knows the locations of all Starbucks in the greater Boulder area

7. Tonto has committed his life to fighting injustice and the villainy of Butch Cavendish; Ward Churchill has committed his life to getting that corner office currently held by a "technocratic cryptofascist" named Samuel Kornbluth, Professor of Ancient Languages

6. Tonto is an expert warrior with the bow and tomahawk; Ward Churchill "gives great memo"

5. Once per year, Tonto ingests a large quantity of peyote and psychoactive mushrooms to execute what he calls a "Vision Quest;" Ward Churchill, the same, except he calls this "every Thursday Night after the faculty meeting"

4. Tonto wears little except a loincloth and warpaint; Ward Churchill favors the "warrior skins" he bought at Banana Republic and Chess King

3. Tonto can tell the time of day, within ten minutes, by simply looking at the sun or stars; Ward Churchill can do the same, except the stars always tell him it's August 27th, 1968

2. Tonto favors the appellation "Kimosabe," meaning "Longtime Friend;" Ward Churchill is fond of "Little Eichmanns," which he now claims means "really nice and cool people who didn't deserve to die at all, and I'm not just saying that to keep my cushy paper-pushing job"

...and the Number One Comparison Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill...

1. There is no evidence that an Indian named Tonto ever existed; the same for the "Indian" Ward Churchill


Hat Tip to My Readers: A lot of readers have sent me tips about the fraudulence of Churchill's claims of Indian ancestry. I ignored those tips, figuring that we were just arguing over whether he was one-sixteenth Cherokee or one-thirty-second. Until reading Ann Coulter's column, and catching the remarks of a CU Law Professor on O'Reilly last night, I didn't know that there was absolutely no evidence that Churchill has any Indian heritage whatsoever, and in fact no Indian tribes will recognize him for that reason.

So his entire career -- and his persona, and his con-artist schtick -- is built on a lie.

Sorry I didn't jump on this earlier.

Loose Shit Update: I incorrectly called Tonto's horse "Smoke," when of course it was "Scout." I think Butch Cavendish's horse was Smoke.


posted by Ace at 11:59 AM
Comments



Funny. Very funny.

Posted by: Josh Martin on February 10, 2005 12:02 PM

" Tonto has committed his life to fighting injustice and the villainy of Butch Cavendish."

Nice. Did you have the record when you were a kid, too?

Posted by: CraigCc on February 10, 2005 12:19 PM

No, but I always wanted the action figures I saw in the Sears catalogue.

Posted by: ace on February 10, 2005 12:26 PM

But you've got Tonto riding the wrong horse! Smoke was Butch Cavendish's horse. Tonto rode Scout!

http://www.virtualtoychest.com/loneranger/loneranger.html

Posted by: David C on February 10, 2005 01:07 PM

damn, I knew I should have confirmed that!

Posted by: ace on February 10, 2005 01:14 PM

I started to smile when I read the title of this top ten list... outstanding job as usual.

Posted by: Man of Substance on February 10, 2005 01:30 PM

Ace, the top ten is amusing, and I enjoyed it.

But the real story here is Churchill's history of academic fraud, and how come he's still employed as a professor. I'm chasing this one hard, because I really care about it.

Various links can be found at PirateBallerina.com.

Posted by: Dianna on February 10, 2005 01:43 PM

re: reason # 5: I thought it was BEFORE the faculty meetings. That would make more sense.

Posted by: Carlos on February 10, 2005 05:09 PM

Churchill's story is that he was once married to an Indian, right? That's pretty thin beer.

Posted by: J Mann on February 10, 2005 05:11 PM

My adopted sister is an Indian. (Mostly Menominee, some Cherokee, according to my parents). Guess that makes me one too. Then why the hell did I have to play the cowboy part all the time? I want my goddamn feathers.

Posted by: Andrea Harris on February 10, 2005 06:22 PM

A security guard at an Indian casino kicked my ass and told me was going to "make me his bitch"-- does that make me an Indian?

little tip- Dont start calling the pit boss an indian giver when he tells you your comps coupon is invalid. Also dont go into a 'rain dance' when you get a blackjack.

Posted by: Sitting Amish on February 10, 2005 06:52 PM

I have read many frightening, indeed terrifying, things on the Net, but the news that Chess King still lives makes me want to cower under my blankie.

Posted by: pinky on February 12, 2005 01:44 PM
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-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.
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🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over
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Now they've lost 84%.
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@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

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Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
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🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


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