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February 10, 2005
Top Ten Comparisons Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill10. Tonto's family totem includes the eagle, bear, and Trickster Coyote; Ward Churchill has no family totem, but his mantle does proudly display a signed photograph of Dick Cavett 9. Tonto rides a chestnut Appaloosa he calls "Scout;" Ward Churchill rides a teal Volvo S40 he calls "deductible business expense" 8. Tonto is an expert tracker with an unerring sense of direction; Ward Churchill knows the locations of all Starbucks in the greater Boulder area 7. Tonto has committed his life to fighting injustice and the villainy of Butch Cavendish; Ward Churchill has committed his life to getting that corner office currently held by a "technocratic cryptofascist" named Samuel Kornbluth, Professor of Ancient Languages 6. Tonto is an expert warrior with the bow and tomahawk; Ward Churchill "gives great memo" 5. Once per year, Tonto ingests a large quantity of peyote and psychoactive mushrooms to execute what he calls a "Vision Quest;" Ward Churchill, the same, except he calls this "every Thursday Night after the faculty meeting" 4. Tonto wears little except a loincloth and warpaint; Ward Churchill favors the "warrior skins" he bought at Banana Republic and Chess King 3. Tonto can tell the time of day, within ten minutes, by simply looking at the sun or stars; Ward Churchill can do the same, except the stars always tell him it's August 27th, 1968 2. Tonto favors the appellation "Kimosabe," meaning "Longtime Friend;" Ward Churchill is fond of "Little Eichmanns," which he now claims means "really nice and cool people who didn't deserve to die at all, and I'm not just saying that to keep my cushy paper-pushing job" ...and the Number One Comparison Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill... 1. There is no evidence that an Indian named Tonto ever existed; the same for the "Indian" Ward Churchill
So his entire career -- and his persona, and his con-artist schtick -- is built on a lie. Sorry I didn't jump on this earlier. Loose Shit Update: I incorrectly called Tonto's horse "Smoke," when of course it was "Scout." I think Butch Cavendish's horse was Smoke. posted by Ace at 11:59 AM
CommentsFunny. Very funny. Posted by: Josh Martin on February 10, 2005 12:02 PM
" Tonto has committed his life to fighting injustice and the villainy of Butch Cavendish." Nice. Did you have the record when you were a kid, too? Posted by: CraigCc on February 10, 2005 12:19 PM
No, but I always wanted the action figures I saw in the Sears catalogue. Posted by: ace on February 10, 2005 12:26 PM
But you've got Tonto riding the wrong horse! Smoke was Butch Cavendish's horse. Tonto rode Scout! http://www.virtualtoychest.com/loneranger/loneranger.html Posted by: David C on February 10, 2005 01:07 PM
damn, I knew I should have confirmed that! Posted by: ace on February 10, 2005 01:14 PM
I started to smile when I read the title of this top ten list... outstanding job as usual. Posted by: Man of Substance on February 10, 2005 01:30 PM
Ace, the top ten is amusing, and I enjoyed it. But the real story here is Churchill's history of academic fraud, and how come he's still employed as a professor. I'm chasing this one hard, because I really care about it. Various links can be found at PirateBallerina.com. Posted by: Dianna on February 10, 2005 01:43 PM
re: reason # 5: I thought it was BEFORE the faculty meetings. That would make more sense. Posted by: Carlos on February 10, 2005 05:09 PM
Churchill's story is that he was once married to an Indian, right? That's pretty thin beer. Posted by: J Mann on February 10, 2005 05:11 PM
My adopted sister is an Indian. (Mostly Menominee, some Cherokee, according to my parents). Guess that makes me one too. Then why the hell did I have to play the cowboy part all the time? I want my goddamn feathers. Posted by: Andrea Harris on February 10, 2005 06:22 PM
A security guard at an Indian casino kicked my ass and told me was going to "make me his bitch"-- does that make me an Indian? little tip- Dont start calling the pit boss an indian giver when he tells you your comps coupon is invalid. Also dont go into a 'rain dance' when you get a blackjack. Posted by: Sitting Amish on February 10, 2005 06:52 PM
I have read many frightening, indeed terrifying, things on the Net, but the news that Chess King still lives makes me want to cower under my blankie. Posted by: pinky on February 12, 2005 01:44 PM
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| The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines
"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source" Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held. Basil the Great
"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.
Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing. Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult. Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending. (((Dan Hodges))) Nick Lowles
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98. Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years. Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45 Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%. I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens. REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs. Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.
Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:
![]() That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time. I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"
Hamas is Humiliating Trump's 'Board of Peace'
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Democrat Congresswoman Sara Jacobs cites Me-Again Kelly, Cavernous Nostrils, Alex Jones and Tuq'r Qarlson as proof that concerns about Trump's mental health are "bipartisan"
As Bonchie from Red State says: Know the op when you see it.
Leftists who have been drawing Frankendistricts for decades are suddenly upset about Republican line-drawing
Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.
Big Bonus! Under the new Florida congressional map, Debbie Wasserman Schultz will probably lose her seat
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