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« And Speaking of Margaret Cho: Best of Ace, #7 | Main | Stingy? Redux »
January 01, 2005

Best of Ace, #6: She Done Found Us Out, Cletus!

This was a fun post.

A very concerned liberal named Kathleen Anderton wrote to her local paper warning us all of the Republican plot to deliberately kill young, strong men in unending warfare so that we pencil-necked geeks could then take over the world (and all the tastiest women, I must assume) in some sort of worldwide Strangelovian sex-conspiracy.

Of course, she was absolutely right in every detail; my problem has always been that she just bitches about our plan for culling the young male population by 25% or more, without offering any constructive criticism as to how we're going to achieve our goals without deliberately murdering young men in senseless wars:

Let's be sensible here. We all know that if the conservative dream of an omnipotent Father-State is to be realized, we need to break up the natural loyalties of human beings, that is, to their families and sexual partners, so that there is no other object of loyalty but the perpetual WarState.

To do that, we're going to have to end all natural sexual reproduction. All humanoids will be artificially conceived and grown in factory birthvats; sex will be prohibited, and natural, "wildbirth" children will be hunted down and killed as enemies of the State.

We all know this. This isn't exactly controversial.

Notable for a couple of things, too. First, a commenter named Paul provided the best joke in the whole piece, which I of course had to move up into the post itself. Only blogs (with comments) can really provide that sort of instantaneous interactivity. "Real media" would have taken a week to get that comment printed as a letter to the editor, and by then the joke would have been long forgotten.

Also-- check the comments. Ms. Anderton, calling herself "The Author," takes me (and the commenters) to task. But she does thank me for helping to get the word out.

Well, no thanks needed, Ms. Anderton.


posted by Ace at 05:47 PM
Comments



This one's my favorite.

--See Dubya

Posted by: see-dubya on January 1, 2005 08:16 PM

If only her hero John Kerry would come forward with his plan to fight a smarter war countless lives would have already been saved. Since he hasn't we must assume he's either holding out because he's mad he didn't get elected, meaning that he doesn't care how many more die needlessly, or he never had a plan to begin with. He also promised to have a health care plan presented to congress by inauguration day that would cover every child in America. Since he isn't busy preparing for inauguration he should have already written the bill and presented it to congress. He hasn't. She has to admit that he's a willing participant in the plan to cull young males or lying scum that didn't mean a word of the lies he told to get elected. Since liberals in general aren't pressuring Kerry to unveil these monumental plans it must mean they either knew it was a bunch of lies from the start or they are willing to let these things pass unfettered as long as there's a republican in the White House, a true showing of liberal compassion either way.

Posted by: bullwinkle on January 1, 2005 08:36 PM

Major newspapers and newsmagazine seem to insist on always giving a voice to the complete lunatics on their “Letters to the Editor” sections.

“Here’s an e-mail from an elementary school teacher in Atlanta who wants more funding for public libraries… a letter from a Humane Society member in Cheyenne who think that racing greyhounds should be treated better… and an e-mail from a Critical Theory professor in Berkeley who thinks we should abolish the family, marriage, private property, and the military and establish in its place a Communist utopia… hey, let’s print this one!”

Posted by: Kazmin on January 1, 2005 09:33 PM

See Dubya,

My favorite post, too. If this year has taught us anything it is that any time you lose a vote you have the right--no, the constitutional duty-- to demand a recount.

There were clearly irregularities. I will be contacting Jesse Jackson and teams of lawyers in an attempt to prevent the certification of the #1 post.

I've heard stories of intimidation, long posting times, and I can personally attest to having difficulties accessing his site several times. "Head over to the old site at blogspot" I would be instructed at times.

The voting was confusing, I went to the wrong website and they wouldn't let me vote for Ace's best posting there, locusts, LOCUSTS....

Posted by: Max Power on January 2, 2005 05:21 PM
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