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December 17, 2004

In Case You Missed It: How Jay Mohr Pretty Much Saved My Life

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had to run an errand that could improve my life a little. It did. Some of you wanted to know the big secret; I was torn between spilling and keeping it to myself. Since I teased it, I'll tell it. Maybe it will help someone else out there.

This isn't political, and if you don't have anything similar to anxiety or panic attacks, it's probably not worth your time to read.

(Piece pushed ahead in queue.)

For a long time now I've suffered from what I had been calling "anxiety attacks." I'd get them for no real reason. It's not as if I had a particular reason to have anxiety. Sure, at a job interview or the like, I'd get them, and sometimes badly. But often I'd get them for no reason at all-- like just going to the movies.

Or just getting in a car for a road trip.

Or just going out to dinner.

Or just going to the Gap.

The Gap, of all places. Is there anywhere on earth more calming to a surburban blue-collar white kid?

The symptoms were always the same, but varied in intensity. My heart would race; my hands would shake; I would drip cold sweat; my brain would be frazzled to the point where I sometimes thought I would pass out. And, going to some movie a while ago, I actually did have to drop down to the street -- just lay on the street, like an invalid -- for fear that I was about fall unconscious and crack my head wide open.

And then once in a while I'd feel numbness in my feet and legs that stomping around just wouldn't fix. I became convinced I had a brain tumor, and that basically my entire brain and nervous system were being eaten by cancer.

Not fun. Not fun at all.

A couple of doctors tried to diagnose me. Futilely. Blood tests were done. I had my urine examined a bunch of times, including one 24-hour-collection where I had to drink nothing but water and eat no food and collect all my urnine in a big jug. Boy, was it fun taking that package over the hospital.

Everything was ruled out. I wasn't diabetic, I wasn't having heart attacks. You'd think that would be reassuring, but it wasn't. If I wasn't diabetic, if I didn't have a heart condition-- then what the hell was wrong with me?

Why was I unable to ride the subway without feeling shaking and trembling and feeling as if were I not to get out of the train right now -- moving or not -- that I would either pass out or die right there?

I began feeling a lot of resentment towards normal people. Why was it they could just ride the subway without losing it? They just sat there, reading newspapers or bad thrillers. Why couldn't I? Why did I have to strain to "meditate" to try to calm myself down -- which only seemed to make it worse?

The "anxiety" -- let's call it that for now -- had no real cause. Friends and doctors would ask, "Well what is it that's making you anxious?" And it was frustrating, because the answer was Nothing. There was no specific reason I was panicking. Going to see the Lord of the Rings should not be a panic-inducing event, even if you're really rooting for Smeagol. Going to a friend's house to play poker should not be a cause for dread, and it shouldn't cause a person to feel shaky and and queasy.

Friends eventually stop calling. You can only tell them you don't want to hang out so many times before they give up. They think you just don't like them, or are a homebody, or are just slothful. The real reason you're not going to see them is that the idea of moving more than six blocks from home or work fills you with dread and fear. And that even when you get to their place, you're going to feel incredibly uncomfortable for at least two hours until you drink enough (and too much) so that you finally start to settle down a little. Until that point, you're going to barely be able to follow a conversation, almost as if people are speaking a foreign language, because even as you nod and pretend to understand what's being said all that's going through your mind is Maintain. Just maintain. Don't pass out. And don't give it away that you're about to jump out of your skin from irrational anxiety.

People start to think you're either grumpy or aloof or just some sort of spaced-out loner. Or a coke-head-- because you have to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom a little too frequently. And you do that so you can just be alone for five minutes, without the stress of having to maintain a pleasant conversation with people you've known for years, and so you can splash water on your face, dry your sweating forehead and neck, and look at yourself in the mirror and say "You can handle this," even though you really don't think you can at all.

And then when it comes to a genuinely stressful situation-- forget about it. On several job interviews I became so anxious I could not even speak. I would say nothing but "uh" and "um" as I desperately tried to recall what the hell we had just been talking about. What was the last word she said to me? What was this question about? I just couldn't remember, because my brain was redlining beyond the capacity for coherent thought.

And still no doctor knew what the hell was wrong with me. Because the anxiety had caused me to desperately hate going more than six blocks past a familiar "safe place," one suggested I was agoraphobic, and maybe needed a few months session on a psychiatrist's couch. Perhaps a year of "desensitization exercises."

I wanted to scream: This is not psychological, damnit! I have no deep-seeded fear of the outdoors! There is something physically, medically wrong with me, and I just need it fixed for God's sake!

Eventually I convinced a doctor to prescribe Xanax to me, having read on line it was used to treat anxiety. I picked up the pills, hopeful for the future. This would cure me. My disease had a name -- anxiety -- and it also had a cure, Xanax.

Popped one before I even left the pharmacist's office. On the bus home-- the same panic. It did absolutely nothing for me at all.

I took Xanax for a while. It never relieved my symptoms once, except perhaps in the most trivial way-- instead of having major anxiety attacks, I had just-less-than-major ones. I figured that I was incurable and doomed and that was just the way it was. I would just have to adjust to living my life as a recluse.

And I'd have to adjust to having a different personality too. I had always been kinda confident -- well, both shy and confident, but I think that's pretty common, actually -- but more and more I found myself mumbling. Talking into my hand. Turning away from people as I spoke. Touching my face nervously, for no good reason, except, I guess, to determine that it was still in fact connected to my skull in the fashion I'd come to expect and rely upon. Too scared out of my wits to contribute anything except the occasional "That's interesting" to a normal, friendly conversation. And hoping that no one asked me what I found interesting, because, in all likelihood, I hadn't caught it the first time and I was just pretending I knew what the hell was going on.

And always, always walking with my head down. It just became a habit-- I just naturally let my head hang as I walked.

Until.

Before going away for Thanksgiving I went to the bookstore to pick up a book that a friend had mentioned in passing. It was Jay Mohr's book about his two years on Saturday Night Live. It's called Gasping for Airtime, and it seemed sorta funny in the bookstore. He started out by dissing Al Franken, which is always a good sign.

He also started out by talking how freaked out and tense he was to be working at SNL. I thought he was just overdoing it a bit, trying to convey what a great thing it was, how shocked he'd been chosen as a Featured Performer at the age of 20.

But as I kept reading -- in between some funny dishing about SNL -- I noticed that he kept talking about being freaked out. Overly tense. Thinking he was going to have heart attack, just sitting around watching high school basketball with head writer Jim Downey. Having to run all the way home just to get the hell away from work. Home, where he felt safe.

It began to dawn on me that he had the same symptoms I did.

I became convinced when he said he had begun to resent "normal" people, because they could just ride the subway and go to work and go to parties without feeling as if they had to escape at any given moment.

He'd kept his problems to himself, mostly, figuring there was no cure and that he was just fucked up for life, which is pretty much what I did. He kept it secret, thinking, I'm guessing, that it would make him even more anxious if people knew he was a half-psychotic freak.

But then he spoke to Sarah Silverman about it-- and she told him that she had the same thing, and that, get this, there was cure.

And then he wrote a sentence that made me more hopeful than I'd been in a long time:

And then I met the doctor who saved my life.

I was thrilled to know that this was, apparently, not some rare and exotic syndrome, but that it had a name, it was diagnosable, and, best of all, it was treatable.

Mohr explained how he began talking to the doctor about his childhood and stuff like that. She seemed dismissive of his psychological profile, and just declared that he had Basic Panic Disorder, and to treat it, he wouldn't have to explain how he felt about his mother and father. I wouldn't ask an asthmatic to talk about his family and feelings, she said. I'd just prescribe and inhaler, which is pretty much what I'm doing for you. You have a medical condition; there is a cure. And here's the prescription.

Mohr popped a Klonopin tab before he left the pharmacist, just I had so long ago done with Xanax. Except, in his case, the pill actually worked.

Mohr had panic disorder-- not anxiety. The difference is that anxiety is about something -- usually something real, and something inherently stressful, whereas panic is an unreasoning fear about nothing at all. Except, perhaps, for the fear of a coming potential panic attack. It's the fear of fear itself.

All those frustrating questions about "What's causing this?" -- now answered. Nothing's causing this, except a condition called panic disorder. There doesn't have to be any external stressor at all, except for the stressor that you fear -- or know -- you're about to have a horrible panic attack.

Through Thanksgiving weekend, I continued to be stressed out and agitated. But I was hopeful now-- come Monday, I would diagnose myself for my doctor, using Jay Mohr's book as a medical treatise. I made the call; I convinced her to just prescribe the stupid pill without having to arrange to see me in three weeks. I could not go another three weeks wondering if I could be cured; I had to know now. She relented, and prescribed a half-mil of Klonopin a day. A little less generous than Jay Mohr's doctor, who prescribed a full mil, but I'd take it.

Again I went to the pharmacy, and again I popped a tab before I was through the check-out.

Only this time, it was different. Riding back on the bus (I'd had to cross the river to NJ, since my doctor could only prescribe Klonopin in NJ) I felt no stress whatsoever. No panic. No need to get off the bus at the next stop just to get some fresh air.

I closed my eyes. Not to mediate this time; not to try to calm myself down. But just to close my eyes and try to nap a little, because I was bored and tired.

I got off the bus and walked to the subway. I was walking through throngs of New York pedestrians without becoming nervous.

And I noticed something odd-- I was holding my head up high without even concentrating on it.

I jumped on a subway-- actually hoping it would be packed and claustrophobic, just to really test this bad boy out. It wasn't very packed at all, but still, I took my seat and nearly dozed on the ride.

And I looked around and I saw a lot of other normal people doing the same.

And I, it seemed, was one of them now. Normal.

The drug isn't a panacea. It has the side-effect, they say, of reducing muscular coordination, and once in a while I feel that I have to provide my legs and feet with more managerial supervision than I had been previously accustomed. But then, I figure the odds of my making the cut at cornerback for the New York Giants are pretty low, and I've come to terms with that.

And the stress and tension haven't completely gone away, either. Even as I was writing this post, I became jittery and anxious for no good reason. Maybe it's just kismet. But then I popped an extra pill, and I'm feeling calmer as it gets into my blood.

So now I'm actually looking for challenges lately. Now, these aren't the sort of things other people would call "challenges." I'm just riding the subways, going to bookstores for long periods of time (Yeahp, I used to get panicky just browsing the shelves at Barnes and Noble) and making an effort to go to meet-ups and the like. If someone calls to ask to go out, my first reaction is to say "Yes," even if I actually don't feel like it, just to see if I can just go out and be normal. And not mumble. And not talk into my hand. And not touch my face like a mental patient. And to follow conversations rather easily, even working in the occasional witty remark.

And maybe to make up for a little lost time.

The confidence isn't quite back yet, but right now I'll just settle for normal.. I don't have to be the center of attention; I just don't want to be the guy standing in the corner fidgeting with his fingers in order to dissipate nervous energy.

So, there's the big secret. Not really the biggest secret, but then I think part of the problem with getting help for this condition is that it's shameful. You feel cowardly about it; what the hell is wrong with you, after all, that you go all to pieces just meeting some friends out for a drink?

If you've got symptoms like this, and Xanax or other anxiety treatments aren't working, suggest to your doctor you've got panic disorder. It turns out that it's one of the worst conditions someone can face, but also, thank God, one of the most easily curable. 90% of all cases can be cured with pills. If Klonopin doesn't work for your particular brain-chemistry, maybe Wellbutin or something else will.

Last point about Jay Mohr. I found his website and emailed him to ask his doctor's name. In the interim, I badgered my own doctor to prescribe Klonopin, but he did get back to me, told me his doctor's name, and wished me good luck. Good news, he told me. "You don't have a brain tumor and you're not going to die." I thanked him and told him the Klonopin seemed to be working for me. "Welcome back into the fold," he said, and I liked him very much for that.

The Christopher Walken impression was enough, really. But giving me back some semblance of a normal life was just terrific.

Here's a bit more on the disease, written, presumably, by people who have a little more medical training than Jay Mohr and Ace of Spades. And this is the best one, in my opinion, the one that convinced me that I had the disorder and could be cured.

I don't know if any readers suffer from these symptoms. If you do-- see your doctor and you tell him what you have. It gets misdiagnosed an awful lot-- living with the disease for too long and being perpetually frustrated by clueless doctors is a common problem.

And… one more thing. They say not to take Klonopin with alcohol. I don't know what the hell they say silly shit like that for. Let me just say you take a Klonopin with a vodka-and-diet-coke chaser and you become joyously blissed out. Drink less, get buzzed more-- and a very pleasant, "everything's going to be okay" buzz, too.

Thanks, Jay. I even forgive you for dicking over Jerry Maguire now. It wasn't your fault-- you were just living with an untreated panic condition. And, you know, you were a bit of an asshole.

The Placebo Effect? On the other hand, I just can't shake the suspicion that my clueless doctor prescribed sugar-pills to me, so convinced she was that this was an entirely psychosomatic condition.

Here's my evidence:

1) The notes and cautions that accompanied the drug are lareded up with a lot more quotation marks than I'm comfortable with. For example, it says right here Do not take this "medication" when operating heavy machinery; "Klonopin" and other "psychoactive drugs" can cause drowsiness, or even "drowsiness."

2) As far as cautions about intereactions with other drugs, it simply reads: You can take this "medication" with anything else you fucking well please, Sport. Have a party-- Retard.

3) The "Klonopin" came in a little tin box clearly marked "Honey-Lemon Altoids," and my breath's never been more Alpine-fresh.

Then again, it does seem to work, so who am I to argue?

Update One-- Ignore that Crack About Mixing Klonopin and Alcohol It was just meant as throwaway line (even if it is, you know, true), but another blogger tells me that the drug hits the same part of the brain as alcohol, so mixing is probably not a good idea.

He also tells me -- as do others -- that the drug is addictive, and that the impulse to just pop one when you're feeling less than comfortable must be resisted at all costs.

Update Two-- Densensitization: Although I'd prefer a miracle cure, I should say something about desensitization exercises.

About a year ago, I tried to to force myself out, doing things that could cause panic. No doctor prescribed this; it just seemed like common sense. If you're panicking on the subways, ride the damn subways, even if you think you could die.

And I also started going to, get this, right-wing meet-up type things, just to force myself into uncomfortable situations, alone, with no one really to talk to, surrounded by strangers. I thought it was good step, because we shared a common interest, so how bad could it be?

I was never quite comfortable doing those things -- these desensitization exercises did not cure me, not by a long shot -- but they did greatly reduce the intensity of the panics, over time. Rather than thinking I might have a heart attack and die, I instead merely felt extraodinarily uncomfortable. Instead of having to run out the door to be alone, I could kind of fake it and pretend to be involved in conversation.

Not really a solution-- but also helpful.

And, just to bring this story around full-circle, it was at one of these meet-up type things I met a girl who told me, off-handedly, that I could read about such-and-such on her blog. This struck me as a curious thing, because I had always assumed bloggers were either tech-heads or, I don't know, just "other people" generally, and not the sort of people who you could just meet at a bar.

And about two weeks later -- after being annoyed once again that Oliver Willis was getting some undeserved attention on the internet, and then reading a story in a newspaper about how easy it was to start a blog thanks to services like Blogspot -- I started this stupid moronblog.

Desensitization didn't quite cure me, but it did help, and less than a year later, this idiot blog somehow got voted as one of the top 100 blogs on the Internet, and now here I am writing about this horrible condition, and I just found out that one of my oldest and most prized readers -- I mean, this person has been reading since day three -- might just have had an undiagnosed panic disorder for years and that this post might wind up helping the reader.

Kind of cool.

Maybe it's kismet, or maybe it's just another victory for not only free expression, but a broad franchise of free expression.

posted by Ace at 10:09 AM

Comments

Check your e-mail Ace. This time it's important, and not my usual shitty jokes and links.

Thanks.

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on December 14, 2004 05:18 PM

Ace,

Would've never figured you were dealing with a major problem. You were in fact dealing.

Such coping skills bode well for continued high functioning.

Glad you got the right meds.

Although the Xanax explains the "wuss-Ace" of late, no?

Posted by: hobgoblin on December 14, 2004 05:25 PM

No, the wuss-Ace was partly due to trying to appease advertisers, who seem unappeasable, plus the lack of a good target.

My kind of attack humor relies upon a news-hook, and when I don't have the hook, I can't get going on a really meanspirited attack.

Arnold's "Let's be honest" was a great hook I could riff on, but lately I haven't seen a gem like that.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 05:30 PM

most psych docs would recommend using klonopin as a bridge and SSRIs or effexor as a long term treatment. Your body will become physically dependent on klonopin - just like when you first started out drinking, 1 beer will give you a buzz, but after a while one can knock down a 12 pack and still be rock steady

Posted by: temujim on December 14, 2004 05:36 PM

Good call getting that book. Glad Jay Mohr was able to help you out. Now, where's the funny at??

Posted by: Ari on December 14, 2004 05:38 PM

Congratulations on not having a brain tumor. I used to have a similar problem with occaisonal panic attacks, but more just an inability to sleep. Lack of sleep made me a little aggressive too. I'd toss and turn worrying about stupid stuff. Occasionally I'd freak out at weird times like at work or the grocery store. I had this one fear that people would discover that I didn't know what I was doing (even though I really did) or that they'd think I was crazy. My doctor prescribed Prozac, which I took for about 3 months until my wife mentioned she missed my emotional side. I'd become about as emotional as the Terminator. Anyway, I stopped taking them and still felt better years later. If they ever come back, I'll remember your advice. Thanks.

Posted by: michael dennis on December 14, 2004 05:42 PM

Good to have you back in the saddle again Ace, now I can ride your ass and not feel guilty about it!

Where's Joe's kolonpin?

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on December 14, 2004 05:44 PM

Odd reactions from a lot of you. Kind of disturbing actually.

In any case Ace, thanks for sharing that - that's some pretty serious shit that I wouldn't expect to hear from an anonymous blogger.

Don't know what to say besides I'm happy that you're happy. That might sound faggy, but I've got friends who've been in the same types of situations and life is just no good with stuff like that going on.

Take it easy and keep up the good work man.

-Murphy

Posted by: fat kid on December 14, 2004 05:52 PM

It is a little faggy, and I'm not really comfortable with the confessional style blog, but I did mention it, so I figured I had to explain.

And, seriously, if anyone else has anything like this, it would be really cool to help them out, as Mohr seemed quite happy to help me.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 05:55 PM

What can i say? Don't think i could go on living without my favorite blogger ;)
Well, ass kissing aside, glad to see you're ok Ace.

Posted by: madne0 on December 14, 2004 05:56 PM

This post was funny just because you reminded me of Mohr's Walken impression.
"Skittles... bite sized.. fruit flavor... straw-BERRY... watermelon... LEMON"

Posted by: Tom on December 14, 2004 05:57 PM

But then, I figure the odds of my making the cut at cornerback for the New York Giants are pretty low, and I've come to terms with that.

Ace, the way the Giants have been playing this year, I wouldn't rule out playing corner for them.

Congrats on sorting things out.

Posted by: Steve L. on December 14, 2004 06:01 PM

You're a pretty cool dude....sharing deeply personal stuff to perhaps help someone else. Best regards.

Posted by: The Old Coot on December 14, 2004 06:04 PM

sharing deeply personal stuff to perhaps help someone else. Best regards.

Eh. Slow news day. Needed something to write about. It was either this or Why Kate Winslet Gives Me Boners.

But that to me feels like a "Thursday piece."

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 06:06 PM

Or a piece on Thursday, depending on how you look at it...and your e-mail should be ther now Ace.

(The skull one wasn't the one I meant!) :)

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on December 14, 2004 06:16 PM

Ace,

The Kate Winslet thing sounds great as a photo essay of Kate. Don't ruin it with a "confessional" tone, though. I can live without that much AoS information.

Seriously, though, glad your even-keel now.

And glad you've dumped the idea of whoring for advertisers.

The inverse relationship between respectability and traffic is one of the great mysteries of the "internets." You've a great blog, you did awesome in the awards (#1 is phenomenal, and your readers didn't even cheat for you.) Quality gets noticed on its own. Hopefully you find those few advertisers with boucoup cash and the willingness to suport your unique style.

Like maybe some combination of Perfect 10, D & D Monthly (I'm sure something like that exists), and National Review.

Then the mad blog money will just keep rolling in.

Posted by: hobgoblin on December 14, 2004 06:16 PM

Ace,

Yes, panic disorder with agoraphobia can be quite disabling. It can take time for it be diagnosed and it is quite common.

The isolation and frustration (not to mention despair) that you describe are all quite common while waiting to find out what the fuck is wrong.

And yes, as one of the comments above suggests, Klonopin is one of the anti-panic drugs to which you can become both dependent and tolerant (dependence is when your body becomes physiologically in need of a drug, such that, if taken away, you could experience withdrawl. Tolerance to a drug is when more of the drug is needed for it to have a similar effect.)

There are other treatments such as SSRI's (Zoloft being one) to which you won't become tolerant or dependent.

In any case, talk your doctor about the many options available (both pharmacologic and non-pharmacologic).

If you need more info, feel free to email me.

Lastly, the website looks great.

Posted by: MeTooThen on December 14, 2004 06:17 PM

I'm a psychiatrist and I have to agree with temujim about the klonipin. It is a benzodiazapine similar to xanax and valium. You don't want to get addicted to any of these drugs. The SSRI's don't work instantly, but they will prevent the development of the panic symptoms entirely, and they aren't addictive. They have side effects that you may not like, so its important to work with a psychiatrist to find the right drug for you. I know you'll want to stay on the klonipin, but you really will need more and more of it as time goes on (although, as benzos go, klonipin is one of the easiest to detox from).

Posted by: Dr. Sanity on December 14, 2004 06:21 PM

Temujim, Me Too Then,

Thanks for the advice, and I guess I'll ask about that at some point.

Right now I'm content with the Klonopin. I've only been on it for, what, three weeks now.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 06:22 PM

They have side effects that you may not like, so its important to work with a psychiatrist to find the right drug for you.

The side effects I wouldn't like would be hair loss, weight gain, or anything having to do with my weiner.

And when someone says "They may have side effects you wouldn't like," that's what I'm thinking is being hinted at.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 06:24 PM

My wife suffers from Panic Disorder. Luckily she was diagnosed early. She's switched meds a few times and now, after several years, only takes a pill when she feels especially anxious. I'm very glad to hear that you're feeling "normal" again. Best, Ace...

Posted by: RapidTransit on December 14, 2004 06:29 PM

It's always good to have yet another reminder of how petty my own bitching and moaning is. Congratulations for finding a solution, and more congratulations for sharing it.

By the way, if you're ever inclined to throw an occasional Sarah Silverman in amongst the Kim Richardses, just to keep your readers on their toes, I won't object. Mind you, I'm not saying you should cut back on the Kim.

Posted by: Guy T. on December 14, 2004 06:32 PM

One of my relatives was having panic attacks, to the point that he was considering not driving any more (he was in his late 30s) because he was terrified he'd have one and wreck. He'd get them at work, and he does physical labor so that's not good. He's a macho kind of guy (in a good way), and the thought of the lack of control was eating at him. His wife talked to me (I'm not a psychology professional, but have studied it), and I tracked down a lot of information on panic attacks for him. It included an article about an NFL player who suffered from them (I think it was Earl Campbell). Just knowing what he had made a huge difference to him, and some of the articles gave exercises for riding them out. It's been several years, and he still has them occasionally, but he's never taken medication and he never has serious ones anymore. He just uses the techniques he found in the articles.

Like any other problem, there are degrees of suffering, so I'm not saying that his solution would work for you. But I also think it's important to know that psychosomatic (or, all in your mind) and amenable to help from non-pharmaceutical means are not the same thing. I would suggest reading up on non-pharmaceutical means of managing panic disorders, for the long term (or going to a therapist specializing in panic disorders).

Congratulations on your perseverance in finding a solution, and I hope you continue to have great success managing it - whatever method you choose. Thank you for telling your story.

Posted by: susanna on December 14, 2004 06:46 PM

I, likewise, am glad you're doing better. How long have you been dealing with this problem? It's starting to look like several people here could have helped if they had known. I myself just learned about this condition (and the common misdiagnoses) in a psychology class last year.

Posted by: Smack on December 14, 2004 07:22 PM

Good luck to you, Ace, and thanks for sharing. A great many people have issues and demons of one sort or another. And the more we share such things, the better our position to deal with them, no matter their particulars. Best of luck to you going forward.

Posted by: Dan on December 14, 2004 07:31 PM

Now that you have found a drug that works for you, your job is to find the right dosage. Only you can tell whether the dosage is correct-your doctor cannot.

If you are not feeling as good as you want to feel, up the dosage. Too many times a doctor will not give you enough medicine to take care of your problem-insist that they do. You can always reduce it.

Be the best you can be.

Posted by: Jake on December 14, 2004 08:06 PM

Glad you found some answers. That sounds awful and scary to muddle through all by yourself. It's very cool of you to share your story for others. Take good care of yourself.

Posted by: Mrs C on December 14, 2004 08:08 PM

I hope I've found the answer, too. It's too early to judge, but it looks pretty good so far.

A depressant like Klonipin might wind up killing my sex drive, but hopefully I'll find that much like the sudden unfashionability of men's hats: once you lose the urge, you wonder whatever possessed you in the first place.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 08:27 PM

I developed the same disorder in 1991. Everyone who gets this has the same symptoms you described. Most have normal pasts/childhoods, so they never consider an emotional problem exists and look for something physical.

I had hyperventilation as the strongest symptom. I would feel my hands go numb in movie theaters and realize I had been hyperventilating without noticing it. It took over 2 years to diagnose, after a wide variety of specialist visits and testing, which cost a bundle. Panic Disorder is actually quite common and is easier to diagnose than it was 10 years ago. Doctors still do not know what causes it. It is considered an emotional disorder, not mental.

Five years after the diagnosis it was gone completely. Over those five years I worked with an MD that specialized in Panic Disorder. He prescribed a variety of medicines used to treat the disorder at a variety of dosages. Some medicines work better for different people. Paxil at 5mg once per day ended up working best for me.

He told me that therapy helped most people work through the disorder faster. Being a typical male, I wanted none of that, so I said no. I don't know if it would have been cured faster with the therapy, but I don't regret skipping it.

I hope you'll consider finding a specialist in the disorder. They can really help in finding the right medicine and dosage for you, which will keep any side effects such as muscle sluggishness and "head fog" to a minimum. Plus, you're more likely to be cured completely. I've been 100% back to normal with no Paxil since 1998. Good luck!

Posted by: TCain on December 14, 2004 09:07 PM

Eh. Slow news day. Needed something to write about. It was either this or Why Kate Winslet Gives Me Boners.

Hey, she gives me boners, and I'm not even usually inclined towards the opposite sex.

That said, I'm glad you're feeling a lot better. I hope you'll let us know how it goes with your social life (in vague generalities of course). It's hell to be withdrawn from your friends when you really wish you could just be normal around them.

Really glad you shared this on your blog as well. Even if it is serious and confessional, you never know who's out there and who might be helped. A stand up thing to do.

All the best.

Posted by: Rob on December 14, 2004 09:29 PM

Weird. I used to have symptoms like this many years ago, when I was a kid. I don't know what happened, I still get a little freaked out from time to time but nothing like what it used to be.

Posted by: lauraw on December 14, 2004 09:32 PM

Ok, wait. Ace are you going after the Sully demographic here or what? Next you'll be saying "gobsmackingly vile" and mean it!

You start detailed discussions of your stool consistancy and that's it.

If we can't get a Sully slap in, even at the expense of our leaders mental anguish, what are we really?

Posted by: Iblis on December 14, 2004 09:55 PM

If successfully treating a mild mental illness doesn't call for a flaming skull, I dont know what does.

Posted by: Moonbat_One on December 14, 2004 09:59 PM

desensitization helps with phobias, e.g. as you alluded to with the subway - but it is much more gradual. if you have a phobia of dogs, first you look at pictures of dogs, then you watch films of dogs, then you pet a stuffed animal, etc etc; that is you build up to it - this doesn't apply so much to pure panic disorder (except when in conjunction with agoraphobia, which is often the case; or if panic attacks are associated with a specific situation).

Some cognitive-behavioral therapies may help - : relaxation training/exercises, and respiratory training to control hyperventilation.

Posted by: Temujim on December 14, 2004 10:13 PM

Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad you're feeling better. I totally agree with the psychiatrist who responded to you above. You don't want to be addicted to benzodiazapines for the long term. Going forward, I would recommend that you get your meds from a psychiatrist, since their specialty is the workings of these types of drugs.

Take care

Posted by: Zelda on December 14, 2004 10:19 PM

Cheers, Ace! Good news and glad to hear it.

You're not going liberal on us, are you?

Just a joke, of course. Best thing to do with a beast you just killed is to laugh at it.

I do it all the time when I kill a mouse. 'Course, the mice don't care for it too much...

BTDT

Posted by: Squatch on December 14, 2004 10:29 PM

God bless, ace. Glad it's working out. At least now you know, and have options, and that is a very, very good thing.

Posted by: NickS on December 14, 2004 10:39 PM

Very honest posting. I am glad that you appear to have found something that helps you to avoid the hell of 'panic attacks'.
I hope all continues to go well and thanks for being courageous enough to share with us all.

Posted by: dougf on December 14, 2004 10:49 PM

Wait 'till I tell you about the post-traumatic stress disorder I got fighting in Panama alongside Micah Wright.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 10:51 PM

Reading that made my day.

Posted by: CL on December 14, 2004 10:52 PM

During a stressful time in my life, (new kid, new job, and moving to another state) I was driving to visit a friend one last time and all of a sudden my heart starting racing. Went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with panic disorder after ekg etc... ruled out any heart problems. Just reading the description of panic disorder in the pamphlet they gave me stuck the whole thing in my mind and it got worse and worse. I started with Xanax but was really worried about getting addicted. Then a doctor prescribed something called Buspar 5 mg, once or twice a day. It worked great, no panic attacks but no feeling of being drugged. After about 6 months of taking this I quit because I realized I wasn't really going to die any minute. I haven't had a panic attack since, although sometimes I still get THUMP like my heart wants to start racing, but it goes away immediately. Strange stuff.

Posted by: KevinH on December 14, 2004 10:57 PM

I don't say it enough, but thanks so much for the well-wishes.

And for the expert advice/experienced wisdom I've gotten.

And for those of you who've had similar symptoms-- I definitely empathize, and I'm glad you're well now, too.

Posted by: ace on December 14, 2004 11:35 PM

Glad you're doing better and good of you to share your experience. Your site never showed any sign that you weren't 100% (of whatever).

You might want to consider exploring natural remedies as well - generally no side effects or addiction problems.

One site I found (the things we do for you):

http://www.nativeremedies.com/purecalm_for_anxiety.shtml

PS - Please please please never write "glob-smackingly vile" again - it really isn't you - it's you-know-who.

Posted by: max on December 14, 2004 11:48 PM

Good for you, Ace.

I'm a bit iffy on the "shamefulness" of the matter, though - I once watched a friend of mine, a relatively large guy, get onto a relatively small plane and come THIS close to losing it; picture full-blown epileptic Tourette's. Yet, the week before, on the trip out, on the exact same plane, he'd been just fine.

Neither I nor anyone else thought for an instant that he was anything other than really unfortunate, and it was surely nothing worthy of shame. I feel the same about the situation you've described and beaten.

I'm glad, regardless, to hear that you've found a solution.

Posted by: Patton on December 15, 2004 12:24 AM

Ace, thanks for letting us in on this.

From my experience (not panic-related), once you get off the most obvious stuff clueless doctors are way closer to the norm than we'd like to think.

Posted by: someone on December 15, 2004 01:28 AM

Foreign potentates come to the US for treatment because US medical treatment is the best in the world.....when it's at its best.

Unfortunately, the average level of care is nowhere near this level. There are huge, huge medical conditions out there that are underdiagnosed and undertreated.

As someone I have come to care about through reading this blog, I am overjoyed to find that you have stuck a handle on this problem. You have a diagnosis, and that has provided a variety of tools, and one tool (Klonopin) has bought you a bit of space to figure out a long-term solution. That's the way problems are fixed in the real world.

I have a certain empathy for your situation. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. It had snuck up on me for years, and had reached the point where my life was severely impacted. I had to change doctors before I could get a handle on my problem. Now I'm looking back on wasted years -- but forward to a future with a plan.

Congratulations! You've got a grip on this bastard of a problem. It may have been coming in under the radar, but it's lit up now.

Cheers to a better life ahead!

Posted by: cthulhu on December 15, 2004 03:14 AM

Congratulations, Ace, not only on finding a resolution (if only temporary, judging from some prior comments) to such a perplexing, debilitating condition but also on your persistence and good humor in dealing with it. Your resilience is truly admirable.

/serious mode

Now, let's see if you can overcome your Blog-Tourette's Syndrome. I've seen signs of improvement lately; just use every remaining ounce of your resilience to fight the insane monkey demons threatening you with white hot pokers if you don't drop the F-bomb now. Just don't look them in the eyes and they'll just go away. Really.

Posted by: Tongueboy on December 15, 2004 09:47 AM

Meh, I don't know if you want to keep popping the same crap that Fleetwood Mac was addicted to. That way lies 'Tusk' and playing for Clinton's inaugural ball.

Try to wean yourself off the pills once your nerves get back into shape.

Oh, and this is probably the most important. GET CHECKED FOR LYME DISEASE YOU MANIAC. My father had all your symptoms. It ended up being undiagnosed Lyme, which runs rampant over your nervous system. He'd be sitting at work, and suddenly it was like the lights got dim, he started hyperventilating, and his brain would just lock up on him. He had to take antibiotics for a couple months, and he's fine now.

NJ and NY are the Mecca of Lyme, and yet doctors still don't test for it enough, or they use a test that was outdated 10 years ago. Go get checked. If you have it, the nerve damage will continue apace until it's treated. It's a pernicious, evil disease.

Posted by: on December 15, 2004 11:48 AM

I see someone else beat me to the Lyme Disease recommendation. Lyme beats up your nervous system; a woman I knew started getting auditory hallucinations when it wasn't treated. Since she was a musician, this was serious.

Great that you're feeling better. Now can we get back to the juvenile playground taunting?

Posted by: Dianna on December 15, 2004 12:12 PM

This post took courage.

Ace, I really enjoy your site and your sense of humor. You make me laugh, and it makes me feel sad to know that you have struggled with this. But I salute you, not a lot of people would talk about it in a public forum. It should be clear from reading the comments that your fans appreciate you and wish you well.

Take care of yourself.

Posted by: Colossus on December 15, 2004 12:19 PM

Nice story, Ace.

I think this calls for a top ten.

Posted by: Alan on December 15, 2004 01:36 PM

Ace, You've just done for others what Jay has done for you; saved em.

I too wrestled with panic attacks, I guess a less severe form of what you have. Xanax helped and I no longer even take it. But I recall being at my sons little league game a few years ago and somehow the subject came up with another couple. Well, by then I had learned not to be ashamed if it and explained my situation. The other fella was so incredibly grateful just to hear it as he was experiencing the same thing and thought he was going insane.

Hence my initial comment above.
Great post, very corageous to do so and I wish you the very best.
Regards, Hank

Posted by: Hank on December 15, 2004 01:49 PM

My story is almost exactly the same as yours, except that when I finally had the sense to go to a doctor, he nailed it right off the bat and out me on an SSRI (Trazadone) -- problem solved. BTW: the unexpected side effects? Completely random, rock-hard erections (seriously). I can live with that.

Posted by: someone on December 15, 2004 02:18 PM

Dear Ace: for short-term, natural intervention, try acupuncture.

if longer-term safe and drug-free alternative is needed , pls consider bio-electricity: most well known is called the Alpha Stim , from Mineral Wells TX
see alpha-stim.com web site for a small walkman sized unit --similar to a TENS unit--used by health professionals in a wide variety of disciplines for many body/mind ailments.
Counselors use for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, learning disabilities, post traumatic stress disorder, post accident therapy, chronic illnesses like arthritis, Sx of hormone imbalances etc .

MDs Dentists Sports medicine and Veterinarians [for expensive race horses] use for pain relief, immune support and accelerated healing of injuries and broken bones.
you can buy your own unit--plain or fancy--and give yourself 20 minute sessions as you nap, whenever needed.

Posted by: on December 16, 2004 03:47 AM

Glad you feel better. I'd suffered with panic and anxeity attacks that caused agoraphobia. Took years to get over without drugs. Thought I was suffering a relapse one day at the dentists office for a tooth extraction. Seems they give an injection of a synthetic adrenalin which, for me, mimiced a panic attack. If you should find yourself in that situation you may wish to have a pill at the ready.

Posted by: Sioux on December 16, 2004 05:46 AM

Beautifully written, Ace. It's apparent from the comments how many people you have touched and there are more -- many more -- to whom you have given a "so *that's* what it is" moment that you got from reading Jay Mohr.

I continue to be amazed at the number of physicians who are completely utterly unaware of physical conditions that have primarily psychological symptoms. "It's all in your head" often means "in your brain chemistry."

Posted by: Claire on December 16, 2004 12:13 PM

I just found out that one of my oldest and most prized readers -- I mean, this person has been reading since day three -- might just have had an undiagnosed panic disorder for years

...but I don't have any signs of having an undiagnosed panic disorder.

Oh, wait, you didn't mean me, did you?

Posted by: Nathan on December 17, 2004 02:03 PM

Several years ago, I had terrible lower back problems, and Cal Gal recommended acupuncture. I started going weekly. My back was essentially cured, but a great byproduct was a sense of ease and looseness that would last for 2 days after treatment.

Of course, someone sticking needles in your back may cause a panic attack.

Posted by: Jeff Larkin on December 17, 2004 02:05 PM

he nailed it right off the bat and out me on an SSRI (Trazadone) -- problem solved. BTW: the unexpected side effects? Completely random, rock-hard erections (seriously). I can live with that.

Sounds to me like Trazadone is in my future.

Posted by: ace on December 17, 2004 02:41 PM

Fascinating story, Ace, and it's GREAT to hear that you're doing so much better. I'm very happy for you. Congratulations! A close relative had something like that years ago, so I know how debilitating it can be.

And have a great Christmas, and peace in the New Year! Sounds like every day is Christmas for you now. God's Blessings.

Posted by: Jeff Brokaw on December 17, 2004 04:40 PM

Congratulations on finding a diagnosis, Ace.

Regarding SSRIs and their side-effects, look into Lexapro; its side-effect profile is very low to begin with, its side-effects tend to wear off with time, and, to put it delicately, not every side-effect is a bad one, anyway. Also, it may sound cryptic to say, but Celexa is not a substitute.

In the same vein as the general advice about Lyme disease, consider having your serum vitamin D (calcidiol, 25-hydroxyvitamin-D3) checked. One should hope to be between 35 and 55 ng/ml, but you'll almost surely be below 35. If you've been holed up indoors for a couple of years and especially if you were being serious about the problem with overweight, then you're almost certainly deficient in vitamin D. There's a connection to neurochemistry here; you can find out much more at www.cholecalciferol-council.com.

Posted by: "Garth" Doug on December 17, 2004 10:06 PM

I had a girlfriend who suffered from this. It's quite debilitating. At the time, I didn't understand. I thought it was all in her head, which was stupid because she's a very well-balanced and intelligent person who was communicating what was happening with her quite clearly. I wasn't very supportive, which probably cost me the relationship. She went to a psychiatrist who specializes in this and is now doing great. What a life-saver.
I've never posted here before, but I wanted to post now to congratulate you on getting past this. There's an entire world available to you now, isn't there?

Posted by: SJKevin on December 18, 2004 11:21 PM

I am glad you finally got help. I am also concerned that you are adamantly opposed to focused psyhological interventions so that you can wean yourself off of the pharmacological intervention. Benzodiazapenes are highly addictive and, while they work, (if at all possible) they are not something you want to be on long term. Seriously, it can be bad news. There are focused psychological interventions that work, hit me up on email if you want to talk about it. No, I am not a doctor, just finishing up my third year of doctorate in psych.

Posted by: on December 21, 2004 05:33 AM

It is wonderful you have found some relief and care enough to share it with others. I'm so glad you're only "emotional" (you wuss) and not "mental" like me .... Now that you have a diagnosis, it looks like there are a lot of different options if you need or want to move to another drug.

Myself, I have these weird anxiety attacks that only surfaced in the last five years. My doctor offered and then kind of talked me out of prescribing an anti-depressant that can be taken "as needed". Her thought was that they seem to be temporary, in my case, lasting a finite amount of time.

I was kind of upset at myself for declining after I had left and I did a little research on St. Jon's Wort, etc. I didn't like having to take something daily for attacks that were unpredictable and not a daily occurrence.

I found "Kava Kava". It's supposed to be bad for you, but it has worked really well when I take it. And I figure I take it so very seldom now that it beats the alternative - suffering.

I only take it when that familiar weird pulsating blood rush that heralds the start of an episode for me would happen - you probably know what I mean. I have never yet had to take a second dose the same day!! which does amaze me.

Weirdly enough the attacks have also decreased to where I take it less than once a month. Just knowing that a simple pill will make me more levelheaded and less likely to flip out is so so comforting.

This is probably not good advice for true Panic Disorder. I think mine is more of an anxiety thing - but who knows?

Anyway, thought I'd mention it in case anyone reading this experiences, ha ha!, the mental one :)

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