Heh...

Surely this all goes back to Samantha and Endora and the vast world shortage of Eye of Newt.

:)

Hey, hey, hey! I'm trying to come up with a top ten, and you're using up all the good references!

I wish the liberals and Democrats would make up their friggin' minds: "We lost because of all those Republican Jesus freaks in Jesusland!" OR "We lost because of all those Republican witches and their mystical powers of evil!"

Have they all collectively gone completely insane?! Do we have enough straightjackets to confine them all? Wouldn't it be "socially progressive" to put them all in rubber padded rooms where they can't hurt themselves or anybody else?

I guess we should pray to Jesus for the answer to these questions, as we sacrifice a monkey at the next Republican meeting of our coven.

How about the complete boycot in the press about the sudden, unexplained shortage of aluminum foil in Blue states man? I mean, let's be honest, how are we going to fight the mind control rays from the Scottish Rite lodges without foil?

One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"Halloween was October 31. The election was Nov. 2. You do the math."

Another One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"Wasn't the YOUTH vote supposed to make all the difference? Isn't Sabrina a TEENAGED witch? There you have it."

Top Ten Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, Liberals Lost the Election

10. Deportation of pixies under Patriot Act

9. Liberal mhite magic no match for Dark Lord Rove's Texan voodoo

8. Bush's enormous belt buckle offers +5 saving throw against bullshit documentaries

7. In a dubious move, Kerry traded cloak of invincibility for the magic hat of Cambodia

6. Republican playbook: The Necronomicon. Democratic playbook: Harry Potter and the Jobless Recovery.

5. Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe laboring under curse from Republican 12th level warlock Newt Gingrich.

4. Despite expectations to the contrary, unicorns cannot use punch ballots.

3. Leperchauns are big Republican fundraisers

2. Tension between the Fraternal Order of Mages and the United Federation of Witches led to crippling infighting and widespread frogs.

1. Elves vote Nader.

Not all of these may be good, and I'm sure the order is wrong, but whatever.

Another One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"That damned meddling Glynda, Witch of the North! And her equally meddling but lesser known sisters,
the witches of the South and the Midwest. Curses! What a world, what a world, ooooo"

Unaccustomed to spiritual matters, the Dems frag the magig words:

"Klatu, Barada, Ni*cough-hruphf-cough!"

Even the dead coming up from their graves couldn't save the Dem vote.

High Priestess Deidre mistakenly put "Eye of Newt Gingrich" instead of "Eye of newt" into the cauldron.

Another One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"The Moon has been stalled in the Republican dominated Sixth House, and Jupiter's proposed alignment with Mars has not been approved by the Republican dominated Senate."

Top 10 Reasons, According to Barbara Streisand, that Liberals Lost:

10. Red States= A Star is Born; Blue States = The Way we Were;

9. Tree Spirits enraged by Kerry's comment that he was for "woodpecker supression" before he was against it;

8. "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and.....dammit Elizabeth! We will never finsih this victory spell if you keep drinking the entire cauldron!";

7. Two Words: Cheney. Mania.;

6. "People who need people" were frightened away from the lonely isolation of the voting booth, and were therefore disenfranchised.;

5. Because in a time of war, "What would Yentl do?" is not slogan that captures national resolve.;

4. Those damn Amish and their mystical, cult like ways trumped the Streisand, Fonda, O'Donnell coven.

3. From the time he was 6 years old, Karl Rove forced Bill Clinton to subsist solely on Cheeseburgers and Fried Peanut Butter Sandwiches, knowing full well that the resulting quadruple bypass would keep America's Most Beloved President from helping Kerry. That evil, evil, genius.

2. W = 21st Level Paladin equipped with the Sword of Damacles (+4)and the Shield of Righteousness (-10 to AC). Kerry = 5th level Bard equipped with the "Magic Hat of Cambodia" (-3 to charisma) and the "lute of seared memories" (+6 to attract wealthy widows).

And the number one reason:

1. Kerry = Academy Awards, Bush = People's choice, and the damn fascist, anti-free-expression Constitution fails to see the wisdom in giving the Academy it's own set of Electoral Votes. It's Ashcroft's fault.

Good ones. Keep 'em coming.

Liberal voters were slaughtered by Balrogs while attending a convention on "root causes of ancient evil" at the Sheraton Moria

I'm just glad America made it's saving throw.

Another One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"Memories, like the corners of our minds, were affected by everyone and their naked brother who has an ounce of Power and no clue about Shielding. . ."

Palm Beach voters find "hippogriff ballot" even more confusing than "butterfly ballot".

Liberal magic users were hamstrung in gathering their spell components by the spotted fairy's endangered species status, while the republican dark lords slaughtered the hapless nymphs for their wings and livers, thus completing their spell of dominion.

Another One of the Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election:

"Until those putzes in the DNC bone up on their Kalifornia Kaballah as I told them to do, we'll always be vulnerable to Bush's personal Golem, Karl Rove."

"Top Ten Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election."

10. The coup in Haiti was just an excuse for Karl Rove to tighten his control of the remaining voodoo houngans.

9. "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trou....shit. I specifically ordered decaf! Jerry, where's the fucking decaf? I swear to Gaia you're going to lose your fucking job!"

8. That object under the President's jacket in the first election was a +4 Backplate of Nuance-Protection.

7. Moving the DNC up a month wasn't quite enough time for Barbra to get her nose wiggling. Next election, they're going to hold the Convention in February so she can get a good running start.

6. Great Red Eye of the Dark Lord Karl Rove is more powerful than the Weepy Black and White Eye of CBS.

5. The Republicans kept making their saving rolls vs. Media Bias.

4. In a tragic bit of confusion involving Demcorat voodoo dolls, four-thousand chimps were found dead on November 3.

3. Next time Dems run a zombie as a candidate, they're going to teach him more than three phrases.

2. In the house of R'yleh, Dead Clinton lies sleeping.

1. "Klaatu, Baraata, Necktie? Nictate? Dammit..what were those magic words?"

Here you go Ace
From the Pagan Community:

What wasn't expected was that once I filtered out all that background noise, I started hearing a calm, resonable, and powerful head-voice saying things like "Kerry doesn't have the experience we need in these troubled times." and "Give Bush a chance to make it better."

Anyone who knows me KNOWS these are not my thoughts!

And besides, I voted last week. No, there's no way in Hades these are my thoughts.

(I don't think they're kidding)

"Three More Reasons, According to Barbra Streisand, That Liberals Lost the Election, Because We All Know that 13 Is a Mystical Number."

3. She sensed a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of souls cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced...well...wait. Nope. They're still crying out.

2. That's the last time the Democrats leave election strategy to Madmartigan and two pixies who sound like Lenny and Squiggy.

1. "Hey, come on. Ace's readership goes up. He starts posting photos of Kim Richards. The Republicans rally and win. Hello? Witch Mountain? Do I have to draw you a freaking picture?"

Ace--

I sent you an email on this subject (Bahbwa, not the Top Ten list).

Cheers,
Dave

Ewige Rovenkraft!!

Reasons Liberals lost the election according to Barbara
- She forgot that Gandalf is a "gun-totin', Bible-believin', gay hatin' bigot."
- The Dems relied to heavily on the magic in Kerry's magic hat. Instead of winning the election, when they placed it on his head, "he began to dance around."
- Kerry forgot that Bush was "his father" or "his daddy", however you like it.
- The famed "hobbit turnout" didn't materialize, even though 50% of the hobbits are unemployed (they really don't do much but smoke and eat), they are too short to punch the ballot.
- All I have to say is "Did you see Buddy the wonderdog on the campaign trail?" No you did not. Do I have to say any more?
- The Youth vote really doesn't turn out to vote for a Zombie, they've seen the movies, they know the routine and they "ain't down with that!"
- Who knew that Kerry sucked all the Red Sox curse into him when he said he would rather be president than see the Sox's win the World Series?
- Unfortunately, Kerry ran out of the "Great Closer" spell at just the wrong moment.
- The downside to having James Carville, your advisor, work at CNN is that he can't get home to the Bayou to work any voodoo spells.
- Zombies, while they may bring people out to the movies, do not bring people out to the polls.

According to Streisand....

"It's those darned Charmed girls"

"Because I didn't get a speaking invite to the convention"

"Laura Bush is a witch...and her little dog buddy too"

and the number one reason...
"John's a commie and Teresa is a bitch" (oops that's my reason)

-Can't we put at least some of the blame on the Gilmore Girls? Puhleeeze???

-And Practical Magic seems to only work for practical political parties...

-JFK is in the thrall of Teresa's billions. You need stronger magic against THAT kind of power.

Top ten reasons dems lost the election (according to Streisand.)

10. Karl Rove, also known as "The One We Do Not Name" attached himself to the back of poor Profesor McAuliffe's head and proceeded to terrorize the DNC.

9. Too much Kool-Aid in the witches broth at Wiccan Get Out the Vote efforts.

8. In an astounding display of metamagic, Ashcroft destroyed all the DNC necromancers hired to rally the zombie vote in Ohio.

7. The summoning of Bin Laden from the dead to endorse Kerry at the last minute.

6. With surprisingly strong Ki, the celibate monks of the order of Blogos destroyed the wizards tower at Blackrock before they could conjure more authentic looking documents.

5. Through the darkest wizardry, the normally svelte, suave, and sophisticated Michael Moore was transformed into a braying unshaved jackass.

4. Subliminal chants, broadcast through fox's coverage of the world series, implanted a deep distrust of any Vietnam veterans who had worked with the communists to bring down american foreign policy.

3. By breaking the curse of the Bambino, the Boston Red Sox unleashed a gaping hellmouth beneath John Edwards who was prevented from delivering a single state for Kerry.

2. Though a miscast of Greater Owl's wisdom, Teresa was accidentally cursed with Wandering Widow, a curse that breaks down the filter between brain and mouth, exposing the mental weaknesses of an individual to her enemies attacks.

And the number one reason why John Kerry lost according to Barbara Streisand...

The failure of the youth vote to show up at the polls was discovered to be caused by an apathy causing weed inhaled through wizard shaped bongs.

Samantha Stevens, Uncle Arthur, and Endora no longer alive to counter the evil Christospell cast upon the unwitting Redstaters by those wascally witers Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins.

Witches and liberals have big, hooked, pimply noses while Georgy McCokespoon's nose has that noble Roman aquiline quality.

Ever since James Brolin channeled Reagan, she's been under the spell of his "great communicator."

Teraysa Heinz-Scarey DID weigh as much as a duck.

"It's a fair cop!"

The "bird-flu chicken cull" in Thailand was actually a mass pagan sacrificial rite orchestrated by the military/frozen entre complex.

Geez, I can't come up with 10 off the top of my head...

-- Neocon, Neopagan...What's the difference?

-- Satan came to both parties with a deal, and the Democrats didn't have any souls to trade.

-- I don't believe this magic stuff. I mean, don't you think that, instead of charming 59 million people, it would have been easier to just magically force the DNC into running the worst candidate possible? You know, someone worse than John Kerry, someone like...like...uh oh.

-- Barbra Streisand calling someone ELSE a witch? Er, I think the pot just got bludgeoned unconscious by its own blackness.

-- Gosh, I would have rolled a saving throw, but the last time Babs was over I think she snorted up my Crown Royal dice bag during a moving rendition of "Memory". And she still hit all the high notes.*

*DnD reference thrown in just because I used to play.

Later,
bbeck

Hillary Clinton's campaign appearances had to be cut short after Dorothy's house landed on her.

Even better - Streisand Dowdified Jefferson.

I call BS!

Because in 1692, authorities in Massachusetts stopped for negotiations.

Rove's evil eye for the metrosexual guy.

The witches triple-hexed him with 666, the well-known ”mark of the least.”

Top 10 reasons liberals lost the election, according to Barbara Streisand:

1. Kerry insisted on choosing panty-waist John Edwards for running-mate, instead of Reagan-esque James Brolin.

2. Streisand death grip herniated Bill Clinton so Big Dog could not rally Demo forces to victory.

3. Pint-sized and testy former Streisand lyricist Paul Williams refused to collaborate on new Kerry theme music, "Let's Retreat, Baby, Let's Surrender."

4. Gen'l George Washington and the peculiar Jews, of course.

5. Bush twins engaged in pre-emptive and hot Black Sabbath menage a trois with their dark lord, Satan.

6. Since death, a hologramic image of Ronald Reagan advises Bush of all Democratic plans beforehand.

7. Barbara Bush has not one, but two, evil eyes.

8. It was foretold by both Nostradamus and William Shakespeare in their famous collaborative drama, Great Caesar's Ghost.

....

Uh, Babs,

Jefferson was complaining about the passage of the Aliens and Sedition Acts, which, unlike the Patriot Act provided that those who criticized the Congress or the President could be jailed. Over a dozen anti-administration journalists were jailed under the Acts.

Lucky for Dan Rather this wasn't included in the Patriot Act.

But, other than a complete non sequitor, it was a great quote from Babs. Historical shit and all. Whatta brainy broad.

--We needed to be more new agey.

--Last week I found a secret, hidden message in an old Donovan album about the season of the witch.

--JoBu did not answer my chickenbone prayer. Fuck JoBu.

--Our message wasn't simple enough.

Because defying the Curse of the Bambino summoned the Children of the Corn.

Top Ten reasons Barbara Streisand Believes Liberals Lost The Election:

10) Democrats prevented from introducing “spectral evidence”.

9) Bush knew the first rule when you’re up against a zombie--go upstairs, and then destroy the staircase!

8) Carville and Golum: have they ever been photographed together?

7) Snake-handling Charismatics are just "Big Juju!"

6) Maybe instead of John “The Breck Girl” Edwards, Dems should have put John “Passing Over” Edwards on the ticket.

5) Mary Cheney: “She never sleeps, Rachel…don’t you know that?”

4) Simple: we’re the Devil’s concubines—there, I said it!

3) Coors’ campaign owned all rights to “Silver Bullet”.

2) Dick Cheney discovered a power that allows him to walk in full sunlight.

1) “Dogs and cats, living together…mass hysteria!”

OK, the REAL :) top 5 reasons, according to BS, that Bush won:

1. Frodo only thought he had the one true ring! Actually, Bush had it all along! Sneaky, no?
2. Darth Cheney and Chacellor Bush are Sith Lords! (Run, Babs, run)
3. Dems are no match for Donny Rumsfeld, aka the 20th level mage of power!
4. Rummy is really Voldemort! Bwa ha ha ha!
5. Dems not expecting the Spanish Inquisition!! ("cardinal fang, fetch the comfy chair")

Karl Rove flooded heavily Democratic counties in Ohio with invisible ballots, so voters couldn't see how to punch a hole next to Kerry's name.

Smeagle is a Republican operative and he gave the ring to Karl Rove.

Karl Rove cast a spell over TV viewers. Whenever Kerry went on TV to say, "I will work for a stronger, safer America", viewers actually heard a Wally Cox voice saying, "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!".

We still haven't found the Triangle of Xenthar.

http://www.southparkstuff.com/scripts/scr112.shtml