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« Verbatim Transcript: That Censored ABCNews Half-Report | Main | New Voters Won't Necessarily Help Kerry »
October 29, 2004

A Top Ten List Dianna Should Probably Not Read

Okay, l'affaire O'Reilly is over.

They settled, no one admitted much of anything, an undisclosed amount was paid by an unknown party to an unspecified person, and O'Reilly's ratings have actually risen 30%.

He's golden. No one's going to dethrone him, at least not until someone puts me on at 8 o'clock.

So, it's safe now.

And remember-- all of this stuff is alleged, and it's not even being alleged anymore. This is just silliness. No harm intended.


Top Ten Alleged Bits of Bill O'Reilly Dirty Talk

10. "Counselor, you're on my erect penis, and you're spinning. You're spinnnnning, counselor!"

9. "You say you didn't have an orgasm. I say you had a gigantic, senses-scrambling full-body orgasm. I'm afraid on that point we're going to have agree to disagree. But I'll give you thirty seconds to get in the last word."

8. "Mmmm... oooohhh, you're a dirty, dirty girl... yeahhh, ohh yeahhh... I think I'm going to hold you over past the break."

7. "Seventy percent of the respondents to my special, members-only O'Reilly website poll think we should begin with some light oral, while thirty percent would prefer some playful spanking."

6. "In the Personal Stories segment tonight, a ruggedly-handsome talk show host, his demure but curious assitant, and a world of sensuous ointments and erotic sponges."

5. "On my dresser you'll find twenty dollars for cab fare, as well as a signed copy of Who's Looking Out For You?"

4. "The French maid outfit is cute. But what I'm really jonesing to see you in is plenty of 'Factor Gear.' Put on this O'Reilly Factor baseball cap and then slink around like a rutting panther."

3. "I come with a guarantee of total sexual satisfaction, and I have the deed from my father's house in Levittown to prove it."

2. "On the show tonight is you, Dick Morris, Pat Caddell, Newt Gingrich... wait a minute, where the hell are you going?"

...and the Number One Bit of Alleged Bill O'Reilly Dirty Talk...

1. "To be honest with you, I really could do without you playing around back there with my stinky, because that just... might... be... ridiculous."

posted by Ace at 12:00 AM
Comments



HAHA, you've outdone yourself.

Greatest top ten ever.

Thanks for the laughs.

Posted by: gibs. on October 29, 2004 12:27 AM

Somewhat off-topic but I'm gonna ask anyway. Ace, do you know if Allah has given up for good or just for awhile or what? And do you know why?

Posted by: Kerry Is Unelectable on October 29, 2004 07:55 AM

No falafel references?

Posted by: Scout on October 29, 2004 09:46 AM

Scout,

I saw the left-wingers making falafel references, but I really didn't know what they were talking about. I didn't read the documents carefully enough to pick up on "falafel."

Posted by: ace on October 29, 2004 10:00 AM

He was talking about using a loofa on her in intimate ways, then slipped up and called the loofa a falafel. The image is unfortunately burned into my brain, and I suspect I will never eat a falafel again in my life, at least without not thinking of Bill.

Posted by: George on October 29, 2004 10:18 AM

I read it, I laughed. Cool.

I still think the woman's complaint reads like a script from Sex in the City.

Posted by: Dianna on October 29, 2004 12:15 PM

Gross.

Posted by: the UNPOPULIST on November 1, 2004 12:28 AM

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Whoops! I posted about Dan Goldman losing the NY congressional primary. He might do that, but it won't be tonight -- the primary isn't held until June 23.
One race to keep an eye on: the Levi's heir nepo baby and egregious "Designated Liar" Dan Goldman -- one of the Democrats from a safe district Democrats send out to spread their most indefensible lies -- may actually lose his lower Manhattan/Brooklyn set due to, get this, antisemitism in the Democrat primary electorate.
Antisemitism? In the anti-Nazi Democrat Party? Sounds crazy, I know, but apparently the anti-Nazi Party wants to eliminate Jews.
Henry Rosoff
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🚨EXCLUSIVE POLL:

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@bradlander: 57%

@danielsgoldman: 23%



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Oh my Totenkopf Tattoo, that is a DRUBBING!
I'm usually very anti-antisemitism but if the Communist Antisemite Jihadists can pull this one off, Go Communist Antisemite Jihadists, Go!
Democrat Senator Rueben Gallego, who served his wife with divorce papers when she was nine months pregnant so that he could marry his side-piece, counsels us that we should not judge Graham Platner for his infidelity because these things are personal matters, Racists:

Sahil Kapur
@sahilkapur

Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz., on Platner: "We know that Graham has lived not your typical political experience. He's been very clear and open with his wife, and they worked through whatever they worked through. At the end of the day, this man has had 60 more town halls than Susan Collins has. He's winning the polls, he's willing to accept that he has grown as a person, and I think we should accept that."

Gallego says the drip-drip of revelations won't harm Platner's campaign.

"I think you guys are all in a bubble here right now. The drip, drip that's actually happening is Americans are really, really hurt the fact that gas is still high, food is still high, they can't buy a home, you can't afford rent. They're not going to care about text messages and everything else like that that happened years ago, especially when it was worked out between spouses."

I like that he says that it's okay that Graham Platner sexted 12 different women within months of marrying the woman to sponge off her because he wasn't then "living a political life" -- the clear meaning being, "We all cheat, we just don't cheat when we're running for office, and he didn't know he was running for office when he was sending dicpics to half the women he ran into."
Except he was running: His own wife turned the sexts over to his campaign.
And obviously Reuben Gallego didn't let his "political life" get in the way of his extramarital dating life:
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Funny -- if you don't mind clicking on TikTok. "Amy.Pranks.22" set up an AI scam-call screener which replies to a foreign scammer trying to get her bank information with Trumpian bluster. This might be fake because I don't see how a program can respond in real time, but it's funny.
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The ULA rocket just launched
Thanks to Joyenz
The rocket's enormous engines are fueled by "the volcanic heterosexual lust between James Talarico and his Neighbor With a Uterus 'girlfriend'"
I hope Amazon's rocket works better than the Amazon Prime app does as far as allowing people to watch the black and white version of "Spider-Noir"
From the CA Post:

Spencer Pratt is now Karen Bass' biggest headache.

A bombshell California Post poll conducted with McLaughlin & Associates shows the reality TV star-turned-mayoral candidate has surged to a statistical tie with the incumbent mayor.

And voters blame homelessness, affordability and the direction of Los Angeles as the reason for turning on Bass.

Pratt now leads the field with 30.1% support, compared with 29.5% for Bass, setting up a razor-thin race heading into next week's primary.

Socialist councilwoman Nithya Raman sits in third place at 23.4%.

Thanks to beckster
Just like "Spartacus" Corey Booker, now that James Talarico is running for a higher office, he unveils his previously-unknown "girlfriend" and hooboy, it just so happens she used to work for him, and, get this, likes to "dance the night away" at gay bars
Gee I wonder where they might have met
Oh and she's a vegan
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But seriously, this James Talarico romance with a Neighbor with a Uterus is a love story for the ages. The passion of their lovemaking is hotter than a blue star with a core of Primordial Sex Atoms created in the Big Bang
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It makes no sense but he has to offer an "alternative" plan to just arresting lawbreakers -- which he absolutely refuses to do, saying we "can't arrest our way out" of rampant crime.
Future Tucker Carlson guest James Talarico:
James Talarico
@jamestalarico

Black Americans in a church.

Mexican Americans in a store.

Asian Americans in a spa.

Radicalized white men are the greatest domestic terrorist threat in our country.

He's referring to three mass attacks committed by white men in, oh, the past six or eight years. There were a huge number of mass shootings and bombings he had to skip over to cherry pick three committed by white men. Which kind of makes me think that "white men" are not the greatest terrorist threat in our country.
No, I doubt he'll be a guest on Tucker Carlson. The only thing that Tucker clings to that he claims makes him "conservative" is a palpable hatred of gays. Any time there's a communist enslaving their population and executing dissenters and conservatives, Tucker praises that dictator by saying "at least he represses the homos!"
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