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« Register to Vote, Now | Main | The Lessons of Samarra »
October 05, 2004

Top Ten John Edwards Debate-Prep Secrets

10. To appear less like a callow ambulance-chaser and more like a man of action, he's lightened his hair and wearing a white tunic to look more like Mark Hamill in Star Wars

9. He'll also note that we could have spent that $87 billion to "go to Tashya Station" to buy some wicked "power converters"

8. James Carville is making sure he gets at least 8 hours of sleep every night; new rule: no spooky stories after 9pm (they keep him up all night!)

7. He's been studying his briefing book like a madman, because Bob Shrum says that if he wins the debate, Shrum will buy him a pony

6. He plans on naming the pony either "Princess Prettyprance" or "Dumpling"

5 Under absolutely no circumstances will he fall for any of Dick Cheney's wily rhetorical tricks, like the old "Douchebag says 'what'?"

4. Old John Edwards Mood-Enhancer: Diet Coke
New John Edwards Mood-Enhancer: Institutional-strength Ritalin

3. In order to boost his "gravitas," he's radically cut down on the number of mentions he makes of Trading Spaces and Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition; he's learned to avoid saying things like "I think matching pillows could really bring Fallujah together" or "What Baghdad really needs now is a 'pop' of color in Sadr City"

2. IN: American flag pin on lapel
OUT: Ocean Pacific t-shirt showing a man surfing on a dolphin

... and the Number One John Edwards Debate-Prep Secret...

1. Has memorized an extensive list of economic talking-points by making up a mnemonic song to the tune of Clay Aiken's If I Was Invisible

Update:


"Do I seem soft to you?" -- John Edwards, in an interview with Judy Woodruff

I don't know quite how to answer that, John.


posted by Ace at 02:52 PM
Comments



hehehehe Princess Prettyprance hahaha

sounds like a bad porn film

Posted by: Jennifer on October 5, 2004 03:13 PM

Did Barry Manilow help him with lyrics?

Posted by: Ari on October 5, 2004 03:28 PM

Someone should ask Edwards if he can do that without showing his teeth...

Posted by: Philip McKreviss on October 5, 2004 04:07 PM

hey man- i think it was Bob Woodruff-not Judy Woodruff. I also think Bob said something like"yes you do seem soft, at least compared to Cheney". It was the most honest thing ive heard a reporter say in a while. Rush actually played this part of the interview on his show. does anybody have a transcript?

Posted by: atomic_amish on October 5, 2004 05:37 PM

Hell, he seems soft compared to my 7 year old daughter, let alone Cheney.

Posted by: michael dennis on October 5, 2004 06:59 PM

According to Jimmy Carter's latest novel, no... he was not soft.

Posted by: Chrees on October 5, 2004 07:38 PM

Maybe he should share his ritalin with Kerry.

Posted by: Jane on October 5, 2004 07:47 PM

what is the circle pin on edwards lapel? my pre-teen asked if it meant Edwards supported cherrios.

Posted by: len on October 6, 2004 12:40 PM

Edwards appears to be pointing at both of his soft spots.

Posted by: Tongue Boy on October 6, 2004 02:04 PM
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That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of the Swalwell campaign. UPDATE: No it wasn't, it was just Swalwell one-cheek-sneaking out a fart on camera
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thanks to weft-cut loop.
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In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
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