I realize you were going for the gumshoe thing, but real Moore craziness has CAPS LOCK WORDS on EVERYTHING IMPORTANT. Apparently EVERY OTHER SENTENCE he writes has IMPORTANT STUFF in it.

I capitilized "BK." That's VERY IMPORTANT to Michael Moore.

Well, you got me there.

That "Time" line is genius. I'm still laughing.

I like Mapes' measurements...32-31-41
Pretty funny little details all through the thing.

Pretty good effort, ACE! Liked the "filet o fish" pat-down. Hope you can continue it someday and introduce America's greatest asset, and NOC, betrayed by the evil genius Karl Rove, Valerie Plame, into Michael Moore's noble effort to find the Truth.

BTW, Noticed CBS was all over that Plame Affair, inc. faithfully running every groundless speculation as their lead news for weeks because it looked damaging to Bush. Sorta like Abu Ghraib. Not sorta like the 60 charges the Swifties made against Kerry that still stand, but the MSM except Fox, always intro's when forced to report on the damage they are doing to Kerry as the "mostly discredited allegations" of the SwiftVets - never deigning to have a single one of the 240 SwiftVets appear on air to chalenge the MSM's assertion that the SwiftVets are "discredited"

Of course the Left might well be served, if they ever had a sense of humor, by running a similar spoof like "Doug Feith, Eternal Optimist, Zionist, and WMD Hunter".
****************************

It was a dry sandy day, squalor everywhere, as I would suspect in any land not blessed with people with the brains to make the desert bloom. The welcoming rose petals the Iraqis threw at my feet were already dry, crunching beneath my LL Bean boots.

But I digress.

I am here to find what others lacking my intelligence failed to find.

The mass stockpiles of WMD.

I have not been discouraged by Dr. Kay, Iraqis, and US soldiers laughing at me when I ask "Where's the anthrax factory? I have not deigned to reply to people bringing up the Gen. Tommy Franks quote that I am the "stupidest fucking guy on the planet". After all, I know that I advised Netanyahu himself to abandon the ME peace process, and got Bush to believe that the post-war was going to be a cakewalk. How stupid is that?

So I know that if I was to argue with the Iraqis, US soldiers, weapons inspectors - that I could win any argument - so why bother? People always nod after I talk with them, and back away slowly, still facing me. I am a genius, and have the academic credentials and law practices in the USA and Israel that have made me very rich to prove it.

But I couldn't resist warning the soldiers that they should still be in full Chem-Bio suits, since the Iraqis that buried the WMDs may find the vast stockpiles before I do, and use it against our people. Just as I expected, they smiled funny, nodded their heads, and backed away slowly, leaving the two Iraqis with them standing confused - likely because they couldn't grasp the wisdom of my caution, as our troops did. Another argument won!

I have to admit, flush from my triumph over the Army, Navy, or Marine guys, whatever they were, I'm only a Pentagon civilian leader, not a mere grunt who has to know the difference....that I felt I had to win over those two Iraqis - no doubt desperate for democracy - and friendship with the Israelis they should like, but don't, out of typical Arab ignorance.

So I asked them if they knew if Iraq was as big as California. One mistook that as an offer from me to send him to California. He went down on the ground and hugged my legs.

"No", I cried, "You stay! I you Iraqis will soon have made this place as good as California in a year, especially if you let a Zionist or two tell you how to run things."

The Iraqi got up with a very offended look on his face. I was tempted to debate this further, that I never offered to get them to California, but I had to keep on message, on track....

"The point of saying that Iraq is as big as California proves mass stockpiles must exist, and the secret anthrax factory is out there..." I gestured vaguely at the sand dunes, "because after a year and a half of finding nothing, all that proves is the vastness of this country hides well-concealed WMD".

The second Iraqi then said if California is as big as Iraq, then surely Saddam could have hidden his vast stockpiles and factories secretly in California.

I admit his remark stopped me in my tracks. California. California? How insidiously clever of Saddam if he hid them all in California, concealed in that state's vastness. And Alaska is even bigger than California!!! Maybe later we should look there, even Alaska....but common sense told me that we should look in Iraq first. It's only been a year and a half. It may take 10 years, 20 years to find the stuff.....and the other thing was I knew I was in a race against death. Any day, the insurgents and terrorists might wake up and remember where they buried the stuff, and use it against those Marine, Army, Navy - whatever guys they were that I just talked to.

So I shook my head at the Iraqi. I sternly demanded to know what they knew about the secret anthrax factory. Slipped them 2 C-notes. As a neocon who has dealt with Congress, if I know one thing, it's that it's all about the Benjamins. Sure enough, the two Iraqis huddled and came back saying they were sure they saw 7-8 tanker trucks labelled "Deadly Spores Inside - Do Not Loot", in Arabic, going into a warehouse right before the war ended, in a city just over the sand dunes to my left.

Now we were getting somewhere. One Iraqi drew a sketch of the warehouse location and told me the secret password that would assure the cooperation of the local security forces - "Mazel Tov" - and that I should say I was a huge friend of Israel, which the second Iraqi said was very, very important in this town of Fallujah, where Israelis are particularly admired for standing up to the Despotic Dictator Saddam.

I thanked them and turned to start on my walk into this town of Fallujah to hopefully finally solve the mystery of the missing anthrax factory. Both Iraqis laughed and patted me lightly on the shoulders with their shoes, something that seemed to be the Iraqi version of wishing good luck. Sort of like, "break a leg". Trudging forward, alert for the succulent flightless snipe birds the US troops said I'd find in abundance and could literally scoop up in my travel bag for a fabulous authentic Iraqi game meal later - I smiled and waved back. Both Iraqis waved at me, jumping up and down with what looked like glee that I, Doug Feith, was poised to rid Iraq of one of the worst of it's many WMD menaces, and both extended a index finger and circled their necks.

Funny, I wasn't wearing a necklace.

Must be another Iraqi good luck gesture!!

Bush is a fucking idiot!

W, you are new here, and you don't understand the game.

I AM THE THREAD KILLER.
And nobody will tell you any different.

You fucknuggetsucking toejam-eating CUTE pointy-headed TROLL you!!!

You're as cute as a brand new penny. I'd put you in my pocket, but you smell.