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August 23, 2004

Six Words Never Before Used Together: Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

John Kerry calls Bob Dole. Bob Dole tells Kerry off. Bob Dole absolutely pins back Kerry's ears with an attack on Kerry's use of surrogates to call Bush a deserter.

Too Hot for Internet Filters Update! It seems that suddenly Ace of Spades HQ is being labeled "objectionable material" by at least one internet filter. I suspect it may be due to the Top Ten list that follows -- two uses of the f-word, plus a couple of other sexual words in close proximity to the f-word.

So I'm putting the Top Ten into the extended entry thingee, in hopes that the filter in question only reads the front page of the site.

I guess I should have supplied an Mature Content warning in the first place.

Then again, this list is about Bob Dole being on fu-- I mean, being on frickin' fire. How dirty could it possibly be?

Top Ten Signs That Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

10. Now spends upwards on four hours a day "workin' on his lats;" public speeches are sprinkled liberally with weightlifting catchphrases, such as "You gotta want it" and "Feel the burn!"

9. Elizabeth Dole appears scared shitless; when asked about her and her husband's love life, stutters incoherent and ominous remark about "The Sessions"

8. Old Bob Dole: Quiet evenings spent watching Matlock re-runs on PAX;
New Bob Dole: Now known as "B.D. Slam," organizes secret spontaneous all-nude "rave" parties featuring gangbangs and coked-up leopards

7. A roughed-up Paul Anka recently declared, "I, and Senator Bob Dole of Kansas, are the only important ones on that stage"

6. Has begun wrestling alligators; also, has begun fucking them

5. Old verbal idiosyncracy: referred to himself in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole" or "Bob Dole will cut your taxes";
New verbal idiosyncracy: refers to his cock in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole's cock" or "Bob Dole's cock will cut your taxes"

4. Stodgy off-the-rack suits have been replaced by bicycle shorts and pimped-out furs

3. Keeps calling whoreblogger Washingtonienne about "getting together for lunch and/or anal"

2. New demand for speaking appearances: must be intro'd by If You Want It (Here It Is, Come and Get It) by Badfinger; always exits to the blaring Theme From the A-Team

...and the Number One Sign that Bob Dole is On Fucking Fire...

1. Old Bob Dole Endorsement: Viagra
New Bob Dole Endorsement: Swingers' clubs

Correction! I mistakenly thought my old Number 7 was funny, or at least passable enough to get on one of these lists. The correct Number 7 should have involved a Paul Anka reference, as Nathan pointed out to me in the comments.

Number 7 has been changed to reflect this better understanding of the facts.

posted by Ace at 04:58 PM

Comments

I can't believe I fucking voted for Clinton.

Posted by: ccwbass on August 23, 2004 05:14 PM

I bet Liddy's going to be slipping him a Viagra tonight after THAT little exchange.

Posted by: Scout on August 23, 2004 05:24 PM

A little penicillin'll put out that fire, sir.

Posted by: ccwbass on August 23, 2004 05:34 PM

Man, this guy slices like a f'in hammer!

Posted by: Nathan on August 23, 2004 05:40 PM

Bob Dole:

Here's some advice, John
Quit whining about the ads
(you damn pansy-ass)

Posted by: Johnny Catbird on August 23, 2004 05:52 PM

That was my first reaction too, Nathan.

The way Bob Dole made Kerry his prison cell bitch, Kerry must feel as pretty as Edwards looks!

Posted by: Brian B on August 23, 2004 06:03 PM

FUCKING

BELIEVABLE.

Bob Dole is on a massive integrity kick right now. I always wondered where the Bob "Tell George Bush [Sr.] to stop lying about my record" Dole went after 1992...now I know.

Posted by: Jeff B. on August 23, 2004 06:08 PM

Perhaps habitual use of Viagra leads to a sustained increase in testosterone levels...Dole is a "one-man wrecking crew".

Posted by: Mark on August 23, 2004 06:16 PM

God that was a funny fucking post.

Posted by: Bill from INDC on August 23, 2004 06:27 PM

I hinted at this earlier, and I'm going to say it flat-out right now: Kerry is too big of a pussy to be the president.

And I can't even say that about Hillary Clinton.

Posted by: Joe R. on August 23, 2004 06:42 PM

Robert Dole, hero
Wish he had shown sack like that
Back in '96

Posted by: zetetic on August 23, 2004 06:44 PM

Also, if Kerry continues to insist on calling men to discuss his feelings, he can expect a call from Jim Greevey telling him to "stop acting like such a homo."

Posted by: Joe R. on August 23, 2004 06:59 PM

Yes! Yes!

Regarding Oliver Willis: you sunk his fattleship!

Posted by: Charles on August 23, 2004 07:16 PM

Thanks for the nice words. A couple of them are phoned in, but I think I fulfilled the quota for genuinely-funny ones (I think at least three have to be actually funny; the rest can just be amusing).

Posted by: ace on August 23, 2004 07:32 PM

Hell, #9 is funny enough all by itself to cancel out two or three MoDo columns. You got no need to be humble.

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on August 23, 2004 07:39 PM

You are the fucking funniest. There is definitely no loose shit going on here.

Posted by: Chaos Overlord on August 23, 2004 08:08 PM

Fucking out fucking-standing.

Posted by: M. Simon on August 23, 2004 09:30 PM

I tell you, it's like waiting for one of Josh Marshall's Big Huge Giant Stories to finally break. You just lie there and wonder, how many more days can this go on?

Posted by: Liddy Dole on August 23, 2004 11:30 PM

#11 - Instead of falling off stage, he now does a half-gainer and is carried away on the outstretched hands of his legions of female fans.

Posted by: David on August 24, 2004 01:56 AM

They didn't call him "The Hatchet Man" for nothing.

Posted by: rdbrewer on August 24, 2004 05:21 PM

#12 Not only did Dole pimp-slap John Kerry, he did it with his right hand.

Posted by: Beck on August 24, 2004 06:45 PM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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Chris
@chriswithans

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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

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