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June 21, 2004

First Bill Clinton Award for Insufferable Narcissism as Regards an Important National Issue

Since Andrew Sullivan is quite clearly in a steep decline, I'll take it upon myself to begin giving out various awards for stupidity in public life.

My first award is the Bill Clinton Award. I will give this award to public figures who obnoxiously and solipsistically cast life-and-death, or at least extraodinarily important, public policy issues in terms of how those issues might affect them personally. This award is nicknamed "It's All About Me" prize.

Envolope please...? Ah. A surprise. The first winner of the Bill Clinton Award for Insufferable Narcissism as Regards an Important National Issue is...

Andrew Sullivan.

How fitting.

Andrew Sullivan wins this award for stopping in mid-thought to explain to us how extraordinarily courageous he is, and how much additional "heart-ache" he will suffer for that courage. Here's a little clip of his award-winning statement:

Time reports on the deepening mystery of what really happened at Abu Ghraib. We are getting information that electrocution of genitals, rape and murder are also part of the "coercive interrogation techniques" allowed at Saddam's former torture-palace. All the more reason to find out if these methods were approved by higher-ups, all the way to the secretary of defense. I will be harangued for continuing to write about this. But it is a huge deal if torture has been sanctioned by this administration in secret and on the authority of only the president, against U.S. and international law.

Emphasis added, of course.

But I'm giving out a second award tonight. The second award is the Howard Dean Award for the Most Credulous Repetition of an Inflammatory and Patently Ludicrous Anti-Bush Allegation.

And the winner is...

Why, look at this! It's Andrew Sullivan again, winning his second award tonight, and for the very same post.

That Time article Andrew places such stock in? That Time article with unskeptically repeats uncorroborated and utterly ridiculous charges from an anonymous terrorist?

Check out this key charge. The charge that Andy vaguely reports as "rape":

One plaintiff, identified only as Neisef, claims that after he was taken from his home on the outskirts of Baghdad last November and sent to Abu Ghraib, Americans made him disrobe and attached electrical wires to his genitals. He claims he was shocked three times. Although a vein in his penis ruptured and he had blood in his urine, he says, he was refused medical attention. In another session, Neisef claims, he was held down by two men while a uniformed woman forced him to have sex with her. "I was crying," said Neisef, 28. "I felt like my whole manhood was gone."

Hmmmm... two men forced this poor man down, while a woman forced him to have sex with her.

This is a Penthouse Forum fantasy, not a credible fucking charge. This is the sort of fantasy concocted by a sexually-repressed Islamoretard who believes such things are possible in the decadent US

We should be so lucky.

Dear Penthouse Forum,

My name is Neisef, and I am a student at a large Middle-Eastern university. I never thought these letters were real, until something happened to me to make me believe all these stories were true.

I had been unjustly taken prisoner for attempting to give chocolates and flowers to an infidel occupier. On my third day of captivity, a woman interrogator demanded I strip off my clothes and begin caressing her breasts. She called herself "Sasha," and she seemed to be a Jew kaffir. Although she was the degenerate offspring of pigs and apes, Allah have mercy, she also had the juiciest 38DD Kasabah melons and an ass like a two-year-old colt donkey...

Riiiiiiight.

How many forcible genital rapes of men -- by women -- occur each year?

How about each fucking decade?

How about in all of recorded human history?

Woman occasionally, but rarely, commit sex offenses at all. They commit statutory rape on rare occasions. On even rarer occasions, they might sodomize another person -- male or female -- with a digit or object.

But forcing a man to have actual genital-to-genital sex-- against his will? How many women are so hard-up they need to rape a dirty, filthy terrorist prisoner?

Let me get this straight: This woman couldn't get voluntary sex from a man... in the United States Armed Forces.

Talk about not being able to get laid in women's prison with a fistful of pardons. Talk about not being able to get your leg humped in a kennel with your pockets filled with lunchmeat and chew-toys.

If it's true that this woman couldn't manage to get voluntary sex from 135,000 horny, sexually-deprived soldiers and therfore raped a dirty, stinking prisoner, then I'd say right there is your reason why we can't allow any additional gay men in the military.

Why, look at the tragic results! If only one man stationed in Iraq had been attracted to the female sex, all of this ugliness might have been avoided.

And how the hell does the man maintain an erection during this "violation"?

I don't say this is impossible. I will say it is so unlikely to be laugh-out-loud ludicrous, especially without serious corroborating evidence.

But I'm not surprised that the very objective Time magazine reports this, nor that the very independent, still-deciding-between-Bush-and-Kerry Randy Andy cites this article as a damning indictment.

PS: While I was away at the beatuiful Mount Airy Lodge, I was abducted and chain-raped by a gang of buxom Catholic high-school cheerleaders.

And yes, I know I will be harrangued for continuing to write about my violation.

But I won't let that stop me. I will soldier on bravely, and see if I can't interest Cinemax in filming my sordid story, which I've tentatively titled Man-Handled: The Greatest Fucking Thing That Ever Fucking Happened to Me In My Entire Fucking Life.

The Next Story Andrew Sullivan Will Trumpet: Since Andrew's taken to reporting wildly-implausible hot woman-on-man rape tales, I'm sure he'll be interested in this Ace of Spades HQ flashback, The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!

Content warning. But what isn't on this site lately? Like Leopold "Butters" Scotch, I've really got to get my behavior under control.

posted by Ace at 01:44 AM

Comments

Now I want to know what you've got against buxom Catholic high school girls, subjecting them to such torture.

Posted by: Simon on June 21, 2004 02:06 AM

You're ignoring the obvious - they didn't electrocute his "tiny tot", they slipped him a Viagra mickey. And even though she wasn't "his type" (being a two-legged homo sapiens female) she was then able to "force herself upon his personage".

And while trying to stop the insanity, he blew a vein. Ipso fatso, Amerikkka=Bad.

This trenchant analysis, of course, still fails to answer the question of HER motivation. Perhaps she's a masochist. Either that, or none of it ever happened at all.

And, as you said, in any event, it's enough to make anyone except Time and Sullivan herniate whatever muscle one uses to raise an eyebrow.

Posted by: Patton on June 21, 2004 02:28 AM

I haven't read the story carefully, but I do wonder about the mechanics of getting it on *after a flippin vein in your cock has blown up*. Jesus Christ. I'm fuzzy on the anatomy, but I'm almost positive I'd be in no mood to do anything after having my dick internally combust.

That said. I have a friend who is a therapist. And she tells me things about her patients she probably shouldn't. I have heard stories about women forcing men. They're rare, but they happen. But there is a significant difference in them.

When a woman is raped, she is overpowered physically. Turned on or not, she's forced into it and it can be, and usually is, extremely painful for her.

With women on men, it's a bit different. The guy's body usually gives in. (And really, outside of humiliation involving a stick shoved up the rectum, it's the only way it's happening).

The violations are purely on a psychological level probably familiar mostly to Catholics. "Damn. I didn't *want* to have sex with her. I just got kinda horny, and my body was beyond my control, but oh the shame involved!"

Given the Arab psychopathy involving the evils of the vagina, you can see how being being beaten by the lure of puntang is a deep, abiding psychological blow to their manhood. So to speak. Hell, if a woman beats these people at chess, they enter a homicidal rage of inadequacy that can only be quenched by blowing up a Pizza Hut.

I'd say consider the source, but that's really asking too much of most media.

As a gay man, I actually like Andrew Sullivan. Sorta. The past year, not so much. He's all over the place. I can't decide if his flagellation is a disguise for masturbation. Either way, it's not something I'm terribly keen on watching.

Posted by: Rob on June 21, 2004 03:37 AM

Andrew Sullivan, harping on Abby Grabby? I can't believe it!

Oh, wait.... he's not harping. He's fantasizing.

When my newspaper of record is off romping in the Poconos I have a difficult time of it.

Posted by: Sailor Kenshin on June 21, 2004 08:49 AM

If that story were true, there would be mobs of discontented Arabs at the gates of Abu Ghraib. Discontented because they had not yet suffered "torture" at the hands, or should we say vagina, of the infidels.

Posted by: Mark on June 21, 2004 09:16 AM

"..and an ass like a two-year-old colt donkey."

You deserve an award for this one, Ace.

Posted by: Golden Boy on June 21, 2004 09:46 AM

Rob, I can most certainly understand a woman feeling guilt over being raped, but unless you're straight and Catholic, you really should cut out the stereotyping. You've got to be dysfunctional in so many other ways to react the way you describe. Most Catholic men I know would be racing to the confessional to share that one with their confessor. And most of them don't usually bother with confession.

(There's something seriously wrong with this comment, coming so close after my last one....)

Posted by: The Black Republican on June 21, 2004 10:36 AM

If that story is true, expect millions of young, needy western males to convert into Islam and join the Jihad in Iraq.
I'm booking the flight as we speak. As-Salaam-Alaikum.

Posted by: madne0 on June 21, 2004 12:06 PM

I just thought the post was really funny, particularly the letter to Penthouse forum.

Posted by: addison on June 21, 2004 12:39 PM

"In another session, Neisef claims, he was held down by two men while a uniformed woman forced him to have sex with her. "I was crying," said Neisef, 28. "I felt like my whole manhood was gone."

And these fuckers say that American soldiers were paper tigers in Mogadishu? Running away at the first sight of blood? What does it mean when the first sight of a little pussy sends you into a crying fit?

Ace, as always, you're fucking hilarious.

Posted by: The Right Wing Conspirator on June 21, 2004 01:54 PM

America's Secret Weapon Against the Terror-Masters:

Pooter.

Who knew?

Posted by: ace on June 21, 2004 02:02 PM

OK, I now officially declare myself a Muslim radical. Come on Female troopers! Do your duty.

...oooh. Except for that Englund chick. That would be nasty.

Posted by: JimmyPage on June 21, 2004 02:29 PM

Funny post, ace. Nice deconstruction of the sickening faux outrage circulating lately.

Am I the only one who feels like lining up the next blogger to express outrage over Abu Ghraib and blowing his goddamn brains out?

Posted by: Abu What? on June 21, 2004 03:18 PM

Different category, this award; but I believe that Sullivan could be placed in line for a Lifetime Achievement Fisty.

Posted by: Emma on June 21, 2004 03:28 PM

Hey, it's a crime scene now.

Somebody get me a rape kit. Bring tongs!

Posted by: Dave in Texas on June 21, 2004 09:14 PM

Butter's last name is Stotch, not Scotch.

Posted by: McGurk on June 22, 2004 12:12 AM

McGurk,

You know, I realized that as soon as I shut the computer down.

I keep meaning to correct it, but I'm lazy.

Posted by: ace on June 22, 2004 12:42 AM

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What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

Finish the job, Mr. President!
Melanie Phillips lays out the case for the total destruction of the Iranian government and armed forces. [CBD]

TJM acts like he knows anything about John Wick and screenwriting. It's embarrassing, really.

Podcast: Sefton and CBD talk about how would a peace treaty with Iran work, Democrats defending murderers and rapists, The GOP vs. Dem bench for 2028, composting bodies? And more!

Oh, I forgot to mention this quote from Pete Hegseth, reported by Roger Kimball: "We are sharing the ocean with the Iranian Navy. We're giving them the bottom half."

Batman fires The Batman
Batman is disgusted by the Joachim Phoenix version of Joker
Batman tries to fire Superman
Batman is still workshopping his Bat-Voice

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Red Leather Suit and Sweatband Edition
And I was here to please
I'm even on knees
Makin' love to whoever I please
I gotta do it my way
Or no way at all

Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
The only bad part of the trilogy are the Frodo/Sam chapters in The Two Towers. They're repetitive, slow, and mostly about the weather and terrain. But most everything else is good. Weirdly, the Frodo-Sam chapters in Return of the King are exciting and action-packed and among the best in the trilogy. (Though the chapters with everyone else in Return of the King get pretty slow again. Mostly people talking about marching towards war, and then marching towards war.)

Sec. Army recognizes ODU Army ROTC cadets for their bravery and sacrifice in private ceremony
[Hat Tip: Diogenes] [CBD]

TJM gives you a brief tour of his movie collection.

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
One day I'm gonna write a poem in a letter
One day I'm gonna get that faculty together
Remember that everybody has to wait in line
Oh, [Song Title], look out world, oh, you know I've got mine

US decimation of Iran's ICBM forces is due to Space Force's instant detection of launches -- and the launchers' hiding places -- and rapid counter-attack via missiles
AI is doing a lot of the work in analyzing images to find the exact hiding place of the launchers. Counter-strikes are now coming in four hours after a launch, whereas previously it might have taken days for humans to go over the imagery and data.

Robert Mueller, Former Special Counsel Who Probed Trump, Dies

“robert mueller just died,” trump wrote in a truth social post on march 21. “good, i’m glad he’s dead. he can no longer hurt innocent people! president donald j. trump.”

TJM has thoughts on Superheros and Iconography

Canadian School Designates Cafeteria And Lunchroom As "No Food Zones" For Ramadan
Canada and the UK are neck and neck in the race to become the first western country to fall to Islam [CBD]

Chuck Norris, Action Icon and 'Walker Texas Ranger' Star, Dies at 86

Podcast: Sefton and CBD have a short chat about Iran, the disgusting SAVE Act theater, Mamdani's politicizing of St. Patrick's Day, and more!

Official confirmation from the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the Warthog is now strafing Iranian fast attack boats